Random Thoughts

Today was alright.
I got a huge chunk off of my to do list in cleaning and organizing my room. Big project and I'm finishing the rest tomorrow. The atmosphere seems nicer already. There really isn't a whole lot new. It looks like practically every show on TV was made sometime in the fall with so many reruns. I think the today show and regular news channel are the ones that are fresh alerts on a regular basis, but I don't watch the today show currently. I still like you Al Roker, but it will be a good amount of time until I start watching the show again at my leisure.

There are always a lot of people that come and go in my life where it varies if I pay attention to them or how vital they could be. Right now, this is for the sake of communication and clarity.
I have already noticed that I am far from being on Martin O Malley's good side. Some days I wonder when he'll get some kind of hit man to rid me or just simply send someone to poison my food and kill me. It looks as if rather than finding some way to kill me, he is teaming up with a long time ex and major enemy to intimidate me and "attempt to scare me into submission?" pfft. Although Josh really has been a male model, I've always seen him as jealous, insecure, psycho stalker, and desperate. I think O Malley has already made a fool of himself and he is only making things worse when he gangs up with Josh. Rihanna really isn't one of my favorite singers, but I could definitely relate to the song: "You look so dumb right now." While I hate the idea that either of them could arrogantly take the satisfaction that their trash talking of my name has responsibility in job losses and damning me to be poor which wastes some of my time, I would assume that they probably have some responsibility in it. Still not Frieda, I'm Penelope trapped and damned to this fucked up island with a bunch of desperate hateful idiots running around every where. Keep testing me and give yourself credit. Keep lying to yourselves in your arrogant, dumbass, and desperate chauvenism that I think you are the most intelligent and superior gods to be feared to ever exist. Whether or not you remain arrogant, and I'm sure you both do, I am now going back to ignoring you. I have considered myself to be ignoring you, but you most likely are very egocentric and arrogant to think that my world revolves around you. Sometimes I have to clarify or reiterate what I say, but I mean what I say and will most likely remain unmoved and unchallenged.

Seth, hmph. Can't forget the matrix brotherhood connection now can we? Seth, I think you are convinced that I'm not that easy to convince, and I can only say so much to you in frequent times and then just not know what to say. I don't have you figured out yet. Happy Birthday regardless. I'd have to wiki you to see how old you are today. I think it's neat that our birthdays are at the same time. Mine is just in, OMG tomorrow! Ah! I don't like to think about it because sometimes it reminds me of everything that is wrong in life. I hope you are enjoying your day though. If I knew more, I could wish it worse, but I don't know what to think of you. I saw some of your other catty birthday tweets and I don't know how to take the name game or possible hints. You're being mysterious. You did cry to your mother the other day on Fallon. Do I really come across that beastly to you? lol. I'm your bully. Sometimes, I really don't care with other people. With you though, it just sounds funny that I would be your bully.

As the Sarah turns

Not only did I miss a show today, I looked like crap. Some guys are around the least expected times. I don't think I'm always being watched 24/7 by whoever, but still, I wish I was more prepared. I'm already catching onto some things, but I will have to watch the show tmw to catch onto more things.
I am anorexic to all claims that Brian Williams may make. All of the characters with "Williams," as the last name I'm anorexic to. I like Wendy Williams and sometimes feel both awkward and confused of what her real character could be representing. I havn't looked up her real husband yet but I did take note that they have been married for 16 years. Anorexic.
If it is just Seth or the complete show that is being kind and complimenting I don't know, but I appreciated some of the warmth with the little I've picked up on. While people don't literally call me, "Frieda," it is the name that is in between the lines that I sometimes pick up on with different people that I get stranded with. This could be a time where Seth or the show just wants to lie to keep my emotions calm, but either way, I'll acknowledge the approach. I still have nothing against Selma. I think it is neat that Jeniffer Connely named one of her kids "Kai." I left that out in the conversation the other day when I was talking to Seth. It was actually going to be a girl name but I can see how it can be a boy name too. With the girl name it means: deep as the sea, but I'm not sure what it means for the boy name. I know it is a Hawaiian name for a girl, but it could be either Asian or Hawaiian for a boy. I still like the name.
I think Seth could be making his Burlusconi a little more obvious but I also percieve him as still leading me on. I feel the need to step back but at the same time, he still wants me around. I'll keep sticking with what I had said a few days ago that I'm in between leisure and paying attention to him for a reason. There is part of me that doesn't like the idea of being falsely emotionally lead on.
I have also been thinking about the other end of the spectrum of people he could be representing. This is a time where capitalism and snowflakes get difficult. I really hate the idea of comparing guys sometimes. If there is a capitalistic share, I may not feel the same way about one guy as I would another. Right now, I think there is a possibility of 5 or 6 guys that he could have shares with and I will say that I wouldn't have the same emotions for each individual as I would the actual source. I think the effort to connect and have some kind of talk or whatever is still nice, but snowflakes. snowflakes snowflakes snowflakes. With the way I've already connected with some guys, I don't want to write about them and include them in this blog. I would want it to be more personal and less exploitive for me to be one on one with them. I could always go a different leisure route and just might end up writing some things about some people, but right now, I really don't want to elaborate on most of the guys.
There is only one guy that I will. I can already tell he likes the extra attention and being in the spotlight. He is already out there in the digital world and very extroverted. Amish Jim. Besides meeting him over a weekend in person which was actually a couple of years ago, he still makes digital connections. I think he is giving some kind of apology or take back in his own way with the way he has already acted. There was already an acknowledgement about bad timing. I'm not that crazy about him. I may not have seen the full potential of his bad, but the extent I've seen of his bad runs me off. He can be really insulting and offending.
Seth gives me a different impression than Jim. I consider his snowflake to be different than Jim's snowflake. I'm going to stop with anymore comparison, but sometimes, capitalism brings itself on itself.

I wonder who the real source is of the fisherman foodstamp? I have 2 guesses on that and I got a little bit of a laugh out of it.

I can't think of anything else in today's "soap opera." Just a chill day.

Dear Anderson

Of course you know I would like today's show. I think I will always feel a little star struck and a little off the wall when Angelina is around. I am very curious about this movie that she is making. Right now I'm a little confused with some characters and math, but I havn't even seen the movie yet to understand the previews. I'm still not over "Salt," and that movie definitely did look like there would be a sequel. I think there needs to be a book with that one. Back to "Land of Blood and Honey," like I said, it is just something I will have to wait and see. Right now, it doesn't seem like I'm on bad terms with anyone, but I can't help but be a little curious if I am being made out to be the bad man. I already feel a little like I am being connected to one of the characters. And in the entire gist of the reality of countries at war, I feel a little less isolated. I think Shane and Josh may be there. I really don't know all the details of their drama. Although Josh and I were the ones with the crazy relationship, I feel upset for Shane because he seems totally innocent of anything and I don't understand how he got involved in the drama and thrown into the torture. I don't even know what happened to Josh and I don't really care to know about a lot of his details. It was when I think it was Shane's foodstamp of: "We shouldn't have to be slaves to the past." I wonder what did he do? Josh was no more homicidal then I was if he wants to demonize me or have any feud over violence or hate. He probably has committed the most hate crimes and abuse and probably does think his demonizing beats me into being his enslaved victim. Whatever.
I don't take back what I said about Maggie or Megan. Knowing their piggishness, lies, and manipulations, they probably do have a godawful painting of me being the bad guy. I will never be subjected to their judgement. Anderson, if you are wise enough to be two sided and asking my side of the story, I might be cooperative with you. It could be characters that I don't even know about and may not even be in relation to me that much at all.
In a different perspective, it is a creative way to use an imagination with some sort of analogy with the land and drama of "Sarajevo." I really have been given death threats but there have been no literal bullets sent my way. There has been a large variety of intentional torment where I may not be the only one in that boat besides Josh and Shane. Personally, I think it goes back to a mixture of pickiness, legal structure, literary structure, and tyranny, in the laws of communication. Sometimes, the communication is either just expressed or there is some domination game going on. I like how you said something along the lines of how easily people can die by not being able to get a .25 cent vaccine to cure an illness. It isn't the literal idea of how they die, it is the idea of the desperation of the death. You get some of the gist of what I'm trying to say when I think people are being desperate. Of course a disease is different than acts of violence, but still, some people want to desperately kill or damn a person over anything. You seem like you get the gist of what I mean about people being desperate and I hope you do. Being hawkish can be a tormentor, but it goes beyond being just a hawk.

In going on some other trails of thought, I think about the idea of the role of the ambassador with other nations as a whole. I still stick with my snowflake philosophy even on this one and in this instance that it is much different for Angelina or any other celeb to be giving in that way. My honest attitude has been to have some empathy from a distance, but also a little mocking with "someone will always have it worse." I'll admit the times that I make a closer connection with someone less fortunate or just have an up close view where I have more compassion and empathy in my mind or even actions. I can only give small donations. Sometimes though, it is when the wrong person or even a random person says, "someone will always have it worse," that can really make me sick sometimes. Especially when I'm not even close to them and even choose not to disclose how bad my entire life is, it sets me off to how callously ignorant some people can be.
If I was wealthy though, I would most likely be more pressured and more genuinely compassionate. I'm not trying to ruin it for Angelina at all. I've noticed she's been in that work for a long time and I know I'm not the credentialed talk show or newsreporter either. Just opinionated.
It really was nice to see and hear from her on your show. Right now I'm in a rut where I can't remember the other things that I want to say. I can't think right now. Some thoughts may be in my mind later.

Random Thoughts

Another year of being poor during the holidays. I can't believe Christmas is 2 weeks from now. December is already going by quickly. Although I like to get out of the house and treat myself every once in awhile, I'm glad that plans have changed this year. My parents are not inviting anyone over, so that means I don't have to spend more money to get out of the house. I still will not be at the usual Christmas eve get together. My mother has already mentioned plans for a baby shower from the family and whenever the time comes, I will have to accept an awkward get together.........

Besides that, there are times that I think about the stars. Celebrity stars. I may not know my full history, but I did notice when my paranoia with the stars began. I have been trying to define the connections and the "whys?" with some people. Not all connections are negative and not all are positive. It seems like it is something I can only do on my own and on the other side, something that some people know to themselves from a distance. While I can't deny the differences between celebrities and non-celebrities who may or may not be wealthy, I still would never give a celebrity a god title. I think it varies with celebrities and their own egos with how they see themselves, and I'm not necessarily out to purpose my life to shoot down egos. If I made the effort, the success rate would vary too. It is more difficult in dealing with some conflicts of it all; especially when I'm the one who has the most disadvantages. Even in my more tangible world I still have my own conflicts that I feel helpless with often.
With all the conflicts, right now, I've been thinking about some of the maternal connections. I still can't explain or know for myself how in the world I made connections with some people. I definitely know through the proof of the connections that there is a bigger picture that involves a lot of people where something was seriously at stake or on the line in some way for me to have some of the connections with some people that I have. In the overall perspective of the celebrity connections whether it be maternal or not, sometimes it can be a meaningful connection and other times it makes life feel like some sort of curse in being damned in a way that I don't understand or stuck in a conspiracy or communistic life that nothing can ever be done about. Life feels communistic in a tangible way as well.
Anyway, back to some connections: Selma Hayek, Penelope Cruz, and Angelina Jolie. I wouldn't say the connections are primarily maternal and I think there are more associated connections than that. I do like them all. I love the characters they play in some of the movies. I know they are actors and have a personal life of their own that is its own different thing. My connection with them is a connection that I don't understand all of the time. Other times, I have to be silent or distant for some of the things that I know. There are plently of examples of this comparison of conflict, but this is one example that includes a pet peeve of mine "to be mothered," and some of the things that define mothering. I was very upset at the "Pink," song "Less than Perfect." Sometimes when I look at Penelope, Selma, and Angelina, I would compare it to being vulnerable to other aggressive and domineering women: "If I give you a piece of free candy, everyone is going to want a piece of free candy." Penelope seems more like a friendly association than a maternal one to me. With Selma and Angelina, I see some kind of concern from a distance. Of course their advantages can't be denied and I'm not always in a competitive mode. Sometimes, being awakened to things I am ignorant of can change that. Sometimes, I really hate being competitive and knowing they are the most impossible to be competitive with. I don't know all of their capitalism or connections and I don't feel I should be responsible for the connections they or other top capitalists make with others.
Kathy and Hoda, I think I did compare them as motherly and even friends at one time. I think they took the mother thing way too far. While I am aware of my personal family life and real mother and know there are some things I'll never know and some things where we are on bad terms; I was very upset with some of the things they said. I'm still upset at how in the world my life is the way it is and some of the things that have happened with my family and that I will most likely be the scapegoat of it all for a long time. Life feels confused and psychotically enmeshed with so much dysfunction in it all. I feel they are part of a large block to my survival but there is still a level of emotional attachment there. I'm not going any more deeper into it; my family's life was never meant to be anyone's reality show or talk show to begin with. I could have been an accidental entertainer, but not purposed to entertain or for others to be exploited. I am not responsible for how things began and some of the exploits that were made.
...................................

I'm still going for entreprenuership. The challenge of it all seems to get bigger the more I get into it. It will be years before I take the complete leap. I'm going to stick with crafting for now and looking for work wherever I can. I have new craft ideas and have no other choice but to find and make cheaper stuff to sell and lower prices. Have to do what I have to do. Ebay is killing me with no sales. I'll still come around to making more detailed and challenging crafts, but I'm also set on making money besides creating work to impress.

I don't have a lot of other thoughts right now. I'm in a lazier mode. Another reminder is that I'm anorexic to marriage claims. If it is BS or not is not the complete part of the matter, but the other part is my own free will and life. Too big of a choice to soon and too many gaps.

Dear Seth

Seth
hmmmm. This is a game that is hard to play around with. Most of the time, I get very competively technical, and I don't know how to say what I'm trying to say. I'll just say you bit some shyness in me.......mean vampire....
There are still some thoughts in my head with the complete picture that I will eventually elaborate on where I may not get an answer or come to a conclusion.
There was again some things on the show that I'm not sure of the story or characters. A little confusion.
Stephon. he worded something like "You look like you're the creation of 2 gay scientisists." That was so funny and not in a way where I mean it to offend you in any way. I don't completely get the gist of his character. I don't get the club scenes or what his role is in talking about the people or the clubs or what is being said about Stephon's personality.
Some other random thoughts and questions? Is Stephanie Meyers your sister? In brainstorming other thoughts, do you see me as a blond stereotype? as your sister? a blond that I don't know? or a comparison to Chelsea Handler?
This goes back to the question of Burlusconi and Whitney Houston. You're gaming right now is a little difficult to decipher and I wonder of the option if I am the one being waited on to make up my mind and have it set on something.
I can speak the thoughts on my mind, but I can't say much else at this point.

Random thoughts

Today was another day.
A few good things. Some days are more exhausting than others. Today, I was more productive than I have been. It depends on so much any more and for the most part it is a bunch of trivial small stuff. Another good thing, I have another potential place for sales. Two places actually. I don't know if I will experiment with one or not because even on my poor budget, it is a risky expense.
I still havn't decided what I think with Anderson yet. I like him and I don't like him. He is another person that I don't always know how to take or who is really in control of some flying info. Sometimes, I think Erin and Maggie are around and I hate that he gives the impression that we are on good terms or are friends. He continues to damn me for some reason. I can tell he pays attention to me, but sometimes, I feel I am buried under so much talk and gossip it is difficult to decipher the things that are going on or what it is that someone may be trying to get at. Sometimes it does seem unfair. Other times, I keep thoughts to myself or have nothing to say.
With the anorexia thing today; I have never considered my figurative speech to be any serious joke with anorexia. I will most likely keep using my figurative speech. As for others taking any serious obsession to criticize my fitness or eating habits? I'm anorexic to that too. I couldn't help but wonder about the generalization of it all. It is as if there are some people that have their own secrets of their figurative anorexia and they are there to say they have figurative anorexia too.

Love life. It isn't something that I want to make super public or super exploit. I have a clue that I've made a slutty rep of myself and some days, the pill is harder to swallow than others. I don't think he wants me in much of a frenzy right now, but I can't help but be anxious for myself. He gives some responsiveness while I still consider him dodging a question by making it look like there is a response but still not getting at it. It is obvious that he must not care that much, but it bothers me that he would say that. It is to my offense. He is being impossible and having some close distance at the same time. He isn't fair. If I have to go through so many men and say the same thing time after time; I will. My mind will never change no matter who I'm with. I seriously never have believed in my past times that some men subjecting me or any other woman like that was serious. I have only noticed it in the past couple of years and more fairly in saying it is more often in fame but still corruptly mixed up in the matrix with other people. Concubinism without a literal marriage but with expectation to "look up to" or "answer to" whatever "queen" concubine there is. I think some men intentionally damn me to be single for the rest of my life.

Dear Anderson

NOT much really today. I question how much of a stranger you are. MAybe you know both TAMIKA AND JOSH (WHO IS HE TRYING TO KID WITH THE COLDPLAY LOOK?) GET UNDER MY SKIN AND COMMUNICATE IN OTHER WAYS (THE SHIFT KEY ISN'T WORKING SO I HAVE TO USE CAPS) ANYWAY, IF YOU ARE A STRANGER, I'M ANOREXIC TO THE WHOLE SHOW. IF YOU ARE NOT A STRANGER, THAN WHY? IS IT A FURTHER LANGUAGE WITH GRANDMA AND MIDDLE FINGER? I DON'T KNOW.
WHILE THE WEALTHY CALL THE SHOTS OR WHATEVER RANDOM PERSON CALLS THE SHOTS TO INTENTIONALLY GET UNDER MY SKIN, I REMAIN ANOREXIC TO THE PEOPLE WHO TOSS ME AROUND AND "TAKE ME IN."
AS FOR LEE? I'M STILL CONFUSED WITH THAT WHOLE MIX UP. I REMAIN ANOREXIC TO DESPERATE HOUSEWIVES AS WELL AND STILL SEE BOB AS A STRANGER THAT I MOST LIKELY WILL EVENTUALLY MEET IN PERSON.
I DON'T KNOW A WHOLE LOT OF DRAMA WITH THE BABY'S FATHER THAT MAY BE GOING AROUND. FOR THE MORE REAL PEOPLE IN MY LIFE, AND THE RELATION IN THIS INSTANCE, I'M NOT REALLY OUT TO EXPLOIT OR MAKE THINGS WORSE. I'M NOT NECESSARILY SAYING THAT HE HAS MY LOYALTY. I MAY EVENTUALLY HAVE TO BE EXPLOITIVE IN MY INSTINCTS. IF THERE IS ANY SERIOUS CONVERSATION, IT SHOULD BE BETWEEN ME AND HIM; NOT THE WORLD'S ENTERTAINMENT.
I THINK OTHER TALK SHOW ENTERTAINERS HAVE FREE GIVEAWAYS BUT I CAN'T HELP BUT SMILE A LITTLE WITH IT LOOKS LIKE YOU'RE GOING TO BE THE NEXT OPRAH. HEY MAN, THE DAY YOU GIVE OUT CARS, LET ME KNOW AND I WILL DEFINITELY GET TICKETS TO SEE YOUR SHOW.
STILL CONFUSED IN HOW TO TAKE YOU AND UNCERTAIN IF YOU SHOULD BE ON MY GOOD SIDE. NONE THE LESS, HAVE A HAPPY THANKSGIVING TOMORROW.

Random Blog and some talk

I'm planning on how I'm going to prolong the rest of the winter and next year until my maternity time is up. It is almost over with the flea market which slims my odds of making sales. Black Friday is just in a few days which is another reminder of being painfully poor. I actually havn't been to a black friday in several years. Yes, SEVERAL. I can't even remember the last time that I went to one. For someone known to be a shopper and spender, I really havn't gone to one in that long. I don't think I have the shopping fanatic rep as I have before anyway...........
I am happy that there is a such thing as Etsy, Ebay, and Amazon. It is a new trial to see how my sales will work out. I may eventually throw in some other random things than my crafts and see how that will do.

I caught up on last night's SNL today. I had a few laughs. I actually saw a lot of catty stories within the comic sketches that gives me hints at some things.... There is just a lot that I either don't take seriously or believe. Because of some blindess, things missed, misunderstanding others, and feeling misunderstood, it all adds up to blah sometimes............Anyway, the hints that I can most recall.
It looks like Jon is taking the route of polygamy. I understand why Seth was constantly bringing up New HAMpshire........ Sometimes, it can be easy to be emotionally easy and lenient, but I think I'm going to stay anorexic.
I really didn't get the gist of the family Thanksgiving.
Jason. I still don't understand how the math was done in "Forgetting Sarah Marshall." If there are any present connections, I don't understand how there are any serious connections or how it is even fair for me to be labeled or even subjected to the judgement in that movie.
Seth, in my own wonder woman world, I wonder if you have a share with "Lee," off of Desperate Housewives? Just random wonders.
It looks like there could be drama with some of the social work teachers at ORU. It looks like there are hints but I'm unsure of a lot of things or what they are there for. I guess with the actual things I have to compete with, they are taking the spotlight for it in their own supremacy of the field. Different people in the most different places and settings. It does sound like I could be seriously be taken seriously over with some people that are there. Kind of like "bring it on."

Nothing else is really new today. Nothing much else to say.

Personal Thoughts in my world

Where do I begin?
There is a lot of drama that is too much of a distance for me. My responses to it can vary. Some responses do not mean that I am subjected to whoever is being dramatic or judgemental. I am a person of leisure that responds to people at my own leisure. Yes, I have said it quite a bit already. I know some judgement would say I shouldn't have to say it, but I know I have to say it. People are constantly being arrogant with me. I would remind people every single time at where I stand, if I had to.
Erin and Jon. There is confusion in the capitalism. To whoever the real Jon is, I will remind both Erin and Jon that I refuse to be subjected to anything they think or say. If I get forced into their slave labor, I know for myself that it never has been or will ever be something that I would be willing to do. I just might end up murdering someone for their entitlement. Who knows after I'm being provoked with such an intense hate?
If it is the babies dad, I do have doubts at literal connections. But if it really were true, I was never close enough to be hurt in anyway. The degrading manipulations are not going to work with me even if he were to be gay. (For someone to be gay is never degrading to begin with in a person's individual way. It is when someone tries to control someone else with partner choices.) I am still alright with being single.
Jon Stewart. Last I heard, he was still married. I've already said I'm still upset with past things that he has said and done. So, maybe he is just out to try to humiliate or hate me by using Erin as his safety net. Whatever.
There could be some local connections that I was never close with to begin with. I'm pretty sure one beefhead is already aggressive against me for her, and I don't know what he is really trying to prove?
Kimmel was close to accurate with Feist. Yes, I think like a Canadian in that I'm better than Americans although I'm technically an American. Her musical personality matches me in some ways. But as for timing of tears and accurate reasons of tears, it isn't accurate. I don't like how I am being presented as being the beggar. It isn't accurate. I havn't been manipulated. I don't feel like I've lost myself in anyway although capitalist pigs would frame the drama of my stories in their favor with their points of view or payed off points of view.
Still not on good terms with Dane. I can't help but be violent around him. ~shameless~
Josh? He could be taking Feist too far in symbolism and take it that I'm hitting on him. I still do not want him or to be with him.
..........................................................
This SNL this weekend wasn't that bad. Of course, I couldn't stay awake, but I watched most of the show. Big Cold Play fan. I'm also getting pulled in to be curious.....I don't know if it is a manipulation to keep watching the show or what the real motive is. I don't know how much I will keep watching the show. It is more difficult to be sincerely leisure but there is always the potential to be sincerely leisure. I think me and SNL still have a Russian reputation against each other. One additional thought: One of my top baby names isn't really themed or purposed to be Italian or Tyler Perry. I would like to say that I have nothing against Tyler Perry, but in one of his last movies, "Precious," I have issues in the movie and how it was played and done. Madea is a funny character, but if I were to name my baby "Mitzia," I really don't plan on her taking after Madea. She does have a free will in life to be whatever she wants to be of course. I would never be a communist parent. But, the name isn't purposed to take after an old lady.
.............................................................
From time to time I have random crushes and interests and lusts. It is hard to know what to believe about a lot of men or things people say or want me to believe. I still consider myself single. Because of my snowflake philosophy, it varies with people in how quiet or outgoing I am with others.
In another state of mind, I don't want to overstress myself with man drama.

Random Thoughts

I've had cabin fever for some time now and some time to come. Some days it is boring, dreadful, isolating, and even tormenting for its own term. Other days, it is easy, peaceful, and laid back. I really don't have anywhere to go or anything to do. Being a homebody does have the potential to turn into a nightmare, but it all depends on a lot of things. There are some days that even if I were to magically inherit a large sum of money and remain a homebody I still would want to feel challenged in some way. Of course my wants of being challenged are usually different than how other people want me to be challenged. Right now, I don't feel like being challenged in the transition I am in. If I were to inherit a large sum of money, I would most likely start some business of my own and be challenged off of it itself. Being a poor homebody where I live can be more dreadful at sometimes than others. It shouldn't be so much when the baby gets here. ~thoughts outloud to myself~

~more thoughts outloud to myself~
As secretive as I like to be and quiet as I like to be at times, sometimes, it is difficult to figure out a way to feel ok with myself. Whether I continue to sit quietly to myself or find ways to try to express myself, sometimes it gets impossible to feel ok, especially since I am a more vulnerable adult.

It is probably obvious with a new seduction from a not so new person, and it confuses me in a number of ways. I want to cry. I want to run run run run run. I want to make myself unnoticed, hard, and not a giveaway or obvious all at one time. There is just too much in the past. There were and have been some things that I question, some rumors, and some definite things I have already seen him make choices with and how he chose to treat me amongst so much drama. Painfully poor and vulnerable. In times like these, some thoughts, strategies, or motives seem to make sense in the overall system, but I still hate the system despite it all.
I have some peace to myself in what I've already said for myself. There may be more to discover or things that I am unprepared for, but I have some level of feeling alright with myself for what I've already said.
Breathing breathing breathing I'm going to be ok I'm going to be ok

Gossip with Trump

Mr. Trump,

You must like my mudpies. lol. Looks like Hunter Jon wants to throw mud on me as well. Pizza pizza pizza. ~eye roll~ desperate pervert that doesn't know how to give a restless, stalked woman that had been messed with way too much a break from people intentionally wanting to drive her insane..............
He spells out "a-s-s-h-o-l-e" one too many times.
As for racism? With so much ridicule and forms of comedy, sometimes, it really is hard to tell with Jon not only how to take him but how serious he is being. I have given a lot of political talk and thoughts a break in my world. Sometimes I pay attention, but if I pay too much attention, I get bored or even sick. But back to the main point, Herman Cain and Jon's racism. I think with some topics with some politicians, some comments and insinuations are bound to be made. Some people still havn't given up on Obama's birth certificate and questioning his religion. I think you were one of them but I could be wrong. I take Jon mostly with humor and not that serious. I don't think he is seriously racist with his proof of life already with associations he has and people he works with. Maybe some people have a higher tolerance of putting up with other people which includes racism, but then again it is another thing to prove racism wrong with obvious tolerance. My lack of tolerance is something that I would not see myself as being racist over.
Maybe this is about the "Skinhead," mentioned yesterday in the news that looks a little like Jr. I think the transformation is great. I really do. I hate to say that I would believe he was a skinhead. But I wonder if this is some kind of self righteous competition going on between your son Jr and Jon. I could see Jon as being racist when it comes to women and even a nazi with specific women that don't meet his racial requirements. Stupid idiot that obviously can't even cover his tracks. But if your son isn't a Nazi anymore and there is a self righteous competition, I suggest you switch your targeting and aim. I think taking aim at Jon being racist more towards women than black men would probably have better grounding. Not just for how they physically look but for feminist qualities and women who are not conformists or easy to boss around.
Personally, I hate any kind of self-righteous competitions. I hate that my life gets lied about and turned into a Picasso with lists of things that people choose to be self-righteous with me. You have been one of those people with a few different things that I have noticed and I'm still mad that I went down without a fight over what the accusations were. I really don't want to bicker or cry over spilled perfume. Sometimes, I do want justice or revenge. Other times, I'm fed up with desperation to ruin my name and how much I get damned over what people say.

Yay for mudpie

Random Thoughts

Life is hell. I actually have somebody I can vent over my problems with but I don't know how long it will last until I feel even more hopeless than I am now. I still can't see the architect's, what people are really up to, what people are trying to prove when they use and abuse me without my consent. I did catch on that Jon had some satire with the matrix, but I'm not really sure what he is really trying to say in his satire. He can ridicule all he wants; I know I'm not full of shit. He keeps his tracks covered in the worst of ways when he puts his abuse at my expense. I don't really have a lot to say about Mindy. I feel like people are trying to bribe me off again. I don't know what the bribe is really about? They don't want me to be angry? They don't like the way I stare at them? They want to bribe me into their conformity? Who knows. The media, Hollywood, whatever the system is really called doesn't do it for me. It obviously hasn't and the bribers are not giving up on their bribery. They are not accepting that I think they do nothing but waste my time. I did give some small credit that the media does have its benefits. Overall, I am not satisfied. It is not what I'm asking for. It is not what I want. I still don't get the system or the purpose of why I'm getting taken advantage of the way I'm getting taken advantage of. I can already tell the bribers fear me having a real job. I already see their insecurity with their tyranny and communism. I've seen it for awhile. Who is it that I need to break? Who is it that I need to expose or exploit? Who is it that really needs me to make them get it? Jon is part of the media and entertainment, but he isn't all of it. He can only have partial blame for the shared communism.
Heck, I was even harassed by a telemarketer today who was being judgemental with me over the phone. Of all the employment rules I've had to live by while being employed, I just can't get over that people like him still have jobs over their entitlement to go from telephone operator to supreme judge. Of all the things I've been fired for and hated for, it sickens me to no end how hated I am and how corrupt and unfair life is.
I can't see who is responsible or how many are responsible for wanting to sicken me like that.

Steve, I don't think you fully comprehend my hate or views with communism and commies but this video clip with people paying their time is so hilarious. In a down to earth way, of course it isn't funny at all. But, in a different point of view, it was a good laugh. You give Russia some good competition at cruelty and hate. I wouldn't necessarily say I'm on good terms with you or Jon. I'm keeping it at being leisure with leisure talk.

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Random Thoughts

There is not a whole lot new right now other than my pregnancy. I'm already on my second trimester and even time ticks by fast while being pregnant. It is a wonderful feeling that women usually say it is to be pregnant. I have a reason to be happy. Besides that though, I'm still sick of the life I have to deal with. Still fed up. Because of some things coming up, I'm not going to spend as much time on a job hunt this week but will get back into it.
Surprise surprise more judgement coming my way: harassment over the fact that I drink. Of course I'm not drinking while pregnant. I don't even know who is judging me right now or where or why it is coming from. It is obviously coming from desperate ppl who want to trash talk my name. More than half the stuff I barely read over. It is mostly glancing or skimming through. I have been sick of the desperation in so many ways. I still remain unchallenged by what people say or think about me. They can just shove it. A lot of Britney Spears songs match what I think and most of the time, people won't get a piece of me anyway. I'm sick of how endless and desperate people are to keep vulturing over me and wanting to take advantage.

I think Dane may be giving me a catcall. It isn't that I am out of touch with the side of me that is lenient and giving in. I could easily say "awe, how sweet." Actually, it wouldn't be easy at all. I'm still too fed up and mad at the things he has already said and done. Fed up with his games. Fed up with his domination games. Fed up with how he plays the game and has already been a sore loser with his verbal and sexual abuse. No grace or forgiveness. I'm going to have to haul and heeve on my single aloneness. He did make effort. I don't want to try to work anything out. I don't want it to work out at all with the way he has been. It is an insult for him to think I would be naive like that. With some sexual harassment and abuse, I still want him and people who make the same actions dead as well. Fucked up, crackhead, desperate judgement and desperate attempts to make me feel insecure.
If he isn't giving me a catcall than "I must not be winning," because only a schiz would be delusional or put words in Dane's mouth.

~Diamonds are a girl's best friend~

Names symbolism literalness

I have no choice but to make a daring move right now. The specifics are obvious. How insane of an idea it is for me to deny a life and say that it is all staged....is it really insanity? With how I've seen some of the media go, there are several ways to be perplexed.
I've already crossed a bridge like this before...... I deny that I am in any gang. I deny being responsible for some sort of serial killer's kill.
If there is no serial killer, and the media is making a social conformity of people's minds, there is still the question of how serious the corruption is.
Is it a serial killer by the freemason's?
Does this person make the choice to take their name so seriously and so literally that the death will have some seriously profound meaning? They seriously represent their name and would be killed for their own symbolism?
It is nothing but staged and made up? ................................

I did see and do recommend people seeing the movie "Namesake." It does get emotional. In my personal opinion, I don't think names should be taken with such serious symbolism. My baby's name will have meaning but it does not mean that it lives as a symbol. I deny that I am a symbol with anyone. There are people who connect me with other people, but that does not mean I live as a symbol or even for them personally. Some people get way too obsessed in their stalkings. I am so satisfied with the baby names I have chosen to decide from.

I think one tactic is for me to keep watching "Two and a Half Men." I'll be leisurely about it as I usually am.
Right now I am more withdrawn from everyone compared to usual. TV not only gets damning but boring as well. I get damned from so many places. Anyway, there is not a whole lot new. People still talk. Some people have the same harassments, aggressions, and ridicule. I remain unmoved and unchanged. People may eventually get over themselves or may have a contest of stamina and consider themselves winners. The fight is no longer about the subject or accuracy, it is just competition of stamina. When with lord of the flies, competition will always be ridiculous and illogical. Waiting to be rescued or for people to get over themselves. I really don't want to even challenge with accuracy because it is another excuse for a person to feel entitled to be possessive.

Random Thoughts

This week has already had some times and events.
In adjusting to my present life and the future life for me and the baby, I have so many new thoughts to think of................
I have already stated that I am a person of leisure. I have also already stated that I am subjected to nobody. There have still been dozens of psycho paths to test me and provoke me. I remain numb to their gossip and judgement. I also remain blameless to various sorts of victimization which includes forcing me into another person's agenda to say I am one way or the other when the test is so invalid, unintelligable, and intentionally rapist. Even if I were to be intelligently tested with people actually asking questions and me giving elaborate answers, they still would not deserve me for the sake of their agenda. But, back to another previous but still different statement, I talk and elaborate at my own leisure and will. I will still most likely be tested and provoked by a list of psychos and haters and angry and stupid people. Nonetheless, the statement is out there. It is a shame when someone gives themself the credit or a dictator lets another person have credit for trying to rob me of that statement, but that statement will always be no matter what. It is nothing but games of provoking, victimization and dominion. There are just simply times that I am too impatient and I have to just say some things for myself because I'm not always strong or patient enough to ignore people.
Speaking of, with the way things are looking, I am going to have to keep on expanding for myself and the way I am as a person. I'm upset for both me and the baby that I am such a hated and harassed person. I hate the vulnerability I presently have to deal with. I'm upset for how hard it will be. I'm also upset that some people will most likely carry on more hatred by suggesting other options to do.

People have so many ways of acting and reacting and dealing with the hatred they have to experience in their life. While there are moments that I feel raped that is not always necessarily in a sexual way, I still choose to not let hate be the ruler of my life.
If people are reasonable within my judgement, I can work with reason. When boundaries are not respected, assumptions made, lies told, people demanding me to answer to their harassment and aggressiveness, I have to work with my own ways in dealing with various people and various problems and various reasons which to this day, I still do not always know about.
I am going to make every effort to make it known how leisurely I am amongst the hatred. I am only aware of things to a certain extent. It does not mean that I am an ostrich with its head in the sand; it means I am a person who will not be subjected to the hatred I have to experience in my life. I have my own sensible awareness which is kept in pride. I know for myself how big the world's population is and the troubles it has. I know life can be overwhelming. I also know that I have a life of my own where I do live for myself. I plan on making every effort for my baby to have a happy and TRULY free life no matter what anyone says or does.

Dear Anderson

Right now, you are one of the closest people that are capable of making a connection with me although you are associated with people I seriously have issues with. You have made a couple of good scores recently and I don't understand why you would make some bad ones at the same time. I think in some ways you are just trying to have a sense of humor to calm all sides, but I remain tired of the entertainment industry.
I continue to burn to have a job.
Anyway, you may have already been informed of what is happening in my life. I will eventually talk more about the near future, but I will remain vague in conversing with the media over it. While I am still a dreamer and want happiness in my life, my mind is mostly set in a sincerely cynical way with relating to Beyonce's character in "Obsessed." No, I am not married or in a relationship. Just because I am single does not mean I deserve to be denied of human rights or that it would be wrong for me to fight for my boundaries and against feeling violated and invaded.
I have a long list of people I would relate to being my Ali Larter. Some people I am blind to. There are communists that I can't see. There are architects (Matrix reference) that I can't see. Aside from the communists and architects are the list of people I do have a strong belief that are responsible for the communism in my life.
It seems my anger in relation to relating to Beyonce in "Obsessed," has been around a long time. There are people I have already screamed and complained about over feeling violated and victimized with. I will say it again regardless of how many times I have been ignored or will continue to be ignored. There will probably be people that I will forget to mention. But there are people I have been serious with who sometimes really do still provoke me or desperately continue to make me victim to communistic control. Sometimes, they aren't as aggressive and are desperate in a different path to say that it is I who is the "psycho." They cannot handle the truth of their guilt and do not take any responsibility. I am a scapegoat in so many different ways. I have been left without a voice and wrongly lied about and assumed about on many occassions as well.
Anyway the names of Ali:
Denny Williamson
Erin Wyer
Maggie Bell
Cindy and the rest of the ACC teachers
My sister Katie- who is always desperately at war with me in so many dysfunctional and desperate ways. We are not always aggressive. She does not know how to take no for an answer. She wants to call me the control freak and deny what my voice really is.
Stacy Adams (who may have a different last name)
Jim (?)
The Kardashians
Dane Cook
Kate Hudson
The Today Show.-Although there have been some positive times we have; they still denied my personal boundaries. They will want to use the past times we shared with each other against me to say that I am willing and that they still deserve to invade and violate my boundaries after I have said no.
A list of capitalists that I can't see.
A list of communists that I can't see.
My aunt Lisa.
My grandmother.
It is hard to say with the rest of my extended family. I do not think they understand me as a person and I also think that they do not understand how to comprehend my neverending battle of ending "Obsessed."
It is distant and dysfunctional with my parents but they financially support me.

A Couple of Thoughts

Last night, it could have been a spur of the moment rescue by Ashton Kutcher with his ability to be in the know; or it could have been a coincidence. The name Bridget which (Bridget Jones Diary) I presently and in the past have felt relatable feelings with. Of course we have different stories and backgrounds.
Anyway, I did not watch the full show. With the way some things have been and some things I've noticed, I've kept my distance. If I were to guess at his character, I would guess he would be representing Josh. He could be representing other people, and if I guess again or even with Josh, the answer is no. I do laugh at some of the comedy, but it is not meant to be taken the wrong way. My perspective of Josh is all in his motive. I don't take it with sincerity at all. I would look at it as his attempts to have pity on me. While the scene does not portray me as the underdog, he has his own way of shifting the picture to make it look like he is desperate for me to say he wants his influence to show he feels I am worthy and other people should feel the same. It isn't that he loves me, it is part of his own pride as a man. He does like to feel like a white knight sometimes or heroic. He can't stand the way some people would look at me or the things people would say, so out of his pity, he would paint a lie. It is codependency if he were to expect something from me in his attempts to popularize me or personally treasure me. He could also just want something that is severely impossible in a very personal way between him and I. He is after the challenge, the conquest, in what is really a backwards way with the way he disguises his true motives.

I will say this one more time. I have already made several complaints about sexual correlation and the way people take me. I am not as gay or bisexual some people make me out to be. My focus has always been on men. I feel right now, my words are neglected and battered by aggression, chauvenism, and hatred by barbarians who are unwilling to let go of what they want and what they want to believe. They either hate how their aggression reflects on them, or they hate that they do not have the dominance that they want. I see it as an extremely violent argument. I do not think it is necessary to be gay for world peace.
That being said, with the way people take me in talking to men and women, guys, I am not sexually minded the way you are. I take conversation as conversation. I've already seen so many instances where guys have my conversations framed in the gutter of their own mind. It is times like these where I am driven as the cunt and prude. I really can be sexual, but most people go way too far with sexual correlations and how people take me and frame me besides just being arrogant.
Just because I agree, have something in common, or carry on a conversation with someone, does not mean that there is a sexual agenda to it. Because of the relentlessness of the aggression and disputes of others, I do feel sexually repressed sometimes because I get angry and turned off by assumptions made. Also, because of the way people gossip and talk, it makes it more difficult for me to naturally hook up with someone and show interest because I am aware of the way people assume about me and drown my voice at the same time. I really hate it when people do get away with some of their aggressions. They are not winners. There is no worth in their words.

Yay more pest control

~making things clear on my end, whether or not I will ever have a voice in this world, due to me being poor~

I know how some drama has gone recently. Because some people may be so stuck on themselves and egocentric, what seems clear to them, is Burmuda and abstract to me....

First off, I remain comfortably single. Despite sexual harassment, violent pigeon-holing, and obsessions of others, I still remain single. I may eventually find someone to have a crush on, until then, I'm very single.

I have been picking up on a few things. There has always been the regular harassments and sadism. One of these days, it just may click with the people who are too full of themselves.

Right now, the main hateful disputes deal with arrogant bisexuality and being fertile.

In the matrix, it does get confusing. I will only talk about the people I have the biggest hunch with: Stacy that (WAS IN A CHURCH YOUTH GROUP YEARS AGO), the Kardashians mainly Kim and Kourtney, and my ORU roommate Serena. It really does disgust me that Stacy has been arrogantly stalking me this whole time. I hate her. I hate her arrogance and "queen," mentality the most. I have been getting a lot of that sadism from her. Good for you that you made the popular list. Like you should have learned in high school, being pretty isn't everything, and just because you are pretty doesn't mean everyone wants to do you OR THAT YOU'RE ENTITLED TO FUCK WHOEVER YOU WANT. I AM NOWHERE NEAR WANTING TO HAVE ANY BISEXUAL RELATIONSHIP WITH YOUR ARROGANT ASS. None of them on the matrix list. I'm fed up with the arrogance, the provoking, the harassment of it all. I'm sure there are plenty of other people who would want to do you though, so no worries.
As for Serena, she was just a friend. If she got any other impression, it was never meant to be further than a friend. I think she is beautiful. But like I said, just because a person is attractive, it means just that. I hate how desperate some people are. Some men are simply perverts and it is only what they want.
There are very few women in the world I would even want to be bisexual with. I know people have been so obsessed with it over me. I would say I am 85% straight and 15% bisexual. I want a man. A man has been all I've ever wanted. Men do sexually harass, but women have been guilty of sexual abuse and harassment just as well. I do stay single when there is obviously no one interested in me and no one that I am interested in. Some systems would accuse me of rape, while I say I am being lied about and desperately hated on. I stay to myself. Often, I really do like keeping to myself. There has been so much hatefulness and sexual abuse and harassment lately, I am not desiring anyone. I desire myself, fuck you very much.
Next is the baby issue. If I'm not good enough to mother a man's baby, it is his choice. At the same time, nothing will break my stride (not meant to be catty towards one specific person)(phrase of expression) even though he has been in on some gossip (burmuda and still want him to get shot). That doesn't mean I plan on raping him or choose to not take "no," for an answer either. I keep a lot of baby thoughts to myself. When I'm ready, I'm ready. I am the only person supporting me right now. I'm even open minded to go to a fertility clinic or adoption. If I run into a man who does, than it is something that is personally and privately discussed between us. When I make my choice is when I make my choice.
I really hate that I have to have this discussion like this out in the open. I never planned for my life to be overexploited so much, to have to endure so much hate, and to have to deal with whatever comes my way in my time and my own decisive way.

More of my side of the story

Dear Anderson,

I thought the mattress and sleeping commercial and competition was funny. I want to let you know that while I may come across as extremely frigid, I really do not live to bicker, provoke, and ridiculously have an argument be neverending. It is the fact that I am aware of my communist environment and helplessness. Why would I choose a top dog like you over anyone more down to earth and local? Because I have already lost faith and hope and them, and their actions have not changed and still have not proven anything to me. I just know I can't win with them. I know them for the judgemental and impossible people they are. While they may not consider themselves as either religiously or self-righteously judgemental, they are still judgemental people who do believe they are supreme over me. They are also violently demanding that I be subjected to them.
I only know so much about some people and have picked up on some things with some people. I do not know who holds the most responsibility. It sickens me that these people claim how much they know me when they don't know me at all.
Right now, one of the first people I would be most suspicious of and be nauseated with the most is Joe. I have problems with 2 that I know of: the local Joe, who I am pretty sure is the ultimate source of Caporelli and Joe Flacco the Ravens football player. I do experience a lot of hate and discrimination and judgement from both of them. I do not consider either of them intelligent judges' of character. My hunch with Flacco is that he is a die hard for a few of the matrix Megan's, esp Megan Fox. They want me to feel inferior to her, and while I may not have the exact body of her's, they want me to be her want-to-be. They are very closed-minded in accepting that I want a normal job. I think they want me to be in the stripping or porn industry, or be a sex object of some sort. When I ignore or reject them, it is when they get violently vulgar and have violent verbal abuse and discrimination against my body. Not only am I not worthy of a normal job after their extreme systematic tyranny, I wouldn't be worthy of being a stripper either. They want me to suffer the most. They want me to feel "like a little girl" and "immature" because I won't be a stripper or hooker to survive. They really have their own judgement and persecution against me for being a conservative. They are extreme in judgement in pidgeon-holing and really are upset that they truly do not have control over my life, although people get away with lying all of the time. They hate Shania Twain's song: "She's not just a pretty face," and are especially desperate to argue against it when that song is in relation to me. I think the local Joe probably stalks me more than the football player Joe. While both may want to make my life miserable, Joe Flacco is too egocentric and selfish in his own career and wealth to have any idea of who I really am as a person. The local Joe makes every effort he can to dehumanize, degrade, downgrade anything and everything about myself. He also speaks badly of me. I think him and his buddies who I was introduced to right after I graduated and moved back to Maryland: Rich, Sid, and I can't remember the other names, are all loyal with my sister. They want to ruin and hurt me for the sake of my sister. I really hate that it has to be such a depth of hate with back to back with me and my sister. With how my reality is, I have no other choice than to have to fight her the way I do. They are extremely and disgustingly arrogant to a high degree with me. They are impossibly hateful.
Erin Wyer. I have not talked to her in such a long time. She would most likely present herself as both the good guy and a tough person. She has kept her distance. However, even as she would like to paint herself as the "good guy," she does subject me to her and treat me like an inferior. She may have it made better and have a higher education, but the price to pay of having any sort of dependence or help on her is asking way too much and too expensive. She does expect me to explain myself. She does expect me to be dependent and under her. She does expect me to put up with her abuse and judgement and be subjected to her judgement. She may offer to hear my voice, but my voice really doesn't have much acknowledgement. She is another person who uses Dane to gang up on me.
For some reason, Dane does gang up on me with a lot of women. There has obvioulsy been a lot of gossip and hate against me, and he has usually chosen various women to gang up against me with. Some of it is lesbian victimization games where I do want to violently slap whatever women are being arrogant. Some of it is just desperate and random talk to have excuses to hate and gang up one me for whatever reason? Recently, Dane obviously doesn't have my loyalty, but I just don't have much to say to him right now.
I could talk all day about some enemies. Right now, these have been my main targets of what I believe causes the oppression and communism that I am forced to deal with.

Dear Anderson

I'll begin with the Gadaffi news piece. There is nothing really new. I havn't noticed any change. Whoever has been dictating my life has been hateful, desperate, and such a dumbass. It seems as if there are so many people involved in networking, it is hard to decipher who is responsible for what. Yes, of course, I'm not the only person who is suffering unemployment. But in adding on to more down to earth reality, not many people have comparably been taken advantage of in the media as I have. I feel like I'm constantly falling through the cracks and the injustice to me is constantly unnoticed while my dictators are desperately looking for more excuses to call me "inadequate," and failing to see how many fallacies, flaws, rigs, and irrelevance they use in their communism/socialism to dictate my life.
Usually, I am bothered by being expected to "answer," to someone. It goes back to how complicated I am and that there are some exceptions that I would work with. I deny that I am loyal to anyone. I understand quietness can be taken as loyalty, but with so many inadequate observers, that judgement is additionally flawed. I consider myself to be very on my own and alone in this world. Yes, there are times that I take action for some things, but I am completely on my own.
In a different state of mind, I think it should be encouraged that there are more askers in the world. I think the world would be a much better place if people would just stop to think to ask people and realize that people have a mind of their own and people aren't always on the same page. Unfortunately, there are very few people who are mature enough to understand differences in how questions are asked. There is a difference between a subjectifying question and a free question. There is also a difference between interrogation (where people really think they are asking and not assuming or pigeon-holing), and personally asking a clear and straight to a point question. There are just a number of things that should be encouraged that a large number of people are not intelligent or mature enough to handle. And another opinion, I don't think people are mature enough to understand the limits of their own emotions and making accurate and sound judgement.

Speaking of emotions, I have been getting so many homicidal emotions this past year. You may be trying to show a friendly or sarcastically friendly guesture with Snooki to keep things calm and break the ice a little. I really like to be taken seriously. You did a better job when you had Sarah the reporter in Libya. While some people would say I deserve more punishment for being homicidal; I say they are such nauseating pigs and I am very unashamedly angry for myself. With the way my survival has been rigged, I do see it as self defense. But of course, since it has been rigged, I will never be seen as defending for myself. I will be seen as the psycho who is "the most guilty," and "inadequate and needs help." I just need help in dealing with corruption, communism, and dictatorship. Whatever dumbass has been taking control of my life, I really would like to see dead. I have been abused in a number of ways in addition to suffering corruption in trying to survive.
I have faced a lot of discrimination in the workplace. Of course even at a CEO level, there should be no discrimination, but even at a minimum wage job: "Oh really? I didn't know I had to have a D cup in order to be qualified to have a job." There is so much corruption and gossip that it is impossible for me to defend myself. Some people are violently demanding in treating me as a "subject." Again, while no personal questions are asked, I do feel people make assumptions and judgement about me and jump to the most extreme conclusions without me even doing anything at all. I feel I am judged and discriminated against for political views, for class of wealth, for having my own personality. I am extremely belittled and underestimated and then thrown at the rocker "Pink," to be further sexually abused, coddled, and nauseated. It is the real truth that I have faced a lot of discrimination and even hate crimes in the workplace.
I am waiting to be found. I am waiting for my stalkers, tyranists, and dictators to be found and have the right person targeted and punished rather than being my stalkers scapegoat. I am waiting for people to accept that I have a mind of my own and waiting for someone to hear what I have to say compared to relying on other people's gossip and the things that they desperately and hatefully say about me.

As for Snooki,...................... It is nice to have a friendly gesture, but I am anorexic. I have actually only watched a few episodes. Not knowing how much I am connected to the show, I have referred to the show as another tabloid. If people are being sincere about Nicole being a codename for being a "hooker," that is denied as well. It isn't that I'm even out to get Snooki. If she enjoys her world and her life and likes herself for who she is, great for her. When the ball is in my court, I see it as another tabloid and strategy of agenda where people may be trying to make exploits about me for whatever purpose it is.
Regardless of how many extreme and desperate people want to control, exploit, and take advantage of me within the media and other places, I WILL NEVER BE SUBJECTED TO IT. Just because some control falls into the wrong hands, it doesn't mean that I see myself as anyone's slave. People may eventually get it. I have remained a person of leisure and to have occasional gossip, comments, and expressions. What is it I want? It was already mentioned in the paragraph right before Snooki. There is a lot of people who need to come down off of their high horse and get a little more real with themselves. I also want to live on my own, have a decent salary and a job, and keep beating some users and abusers off of me.

Dear Anderson

You may already be planning to disappoint me in someway. I request before you do that, to give me a breather and show some support for awhile and let me be the one to help you get me. I have been very exhausted lately and havn't been paying a lot of attention to your show. I will eventually be rested up, but in the meantime, I will try to pay attention unless you do get too disappointing.
It is probably obvious with how much I hate my life.
I may not completely understand the conspiracy, matrix, or system of it all yet, but there have been some people I have been taking notes on. Personally, I think it is nothing but a waste of time, and I have such an undescribable anger that someone has been given the entitlement to waste my time. This matrix, system, set up, and rigs was never my choice. Although there are so many people who would want to say I am the one who is the control freak, there is such a long list of things that I am not responsible for whatsoever. Some people do live to make me miserable with how they rape my life.
Not only will the people responsible never be fair, but it isn't fair with how hard I've worked in my life, some of the choices I have already made, and some dreams I have, to have to experience a communist life like this.
There is some partial belief with the whole snitch concept and I must be up against some sort of black market multimillion dollar illegal drug corporation. I also think there has to be something more to it than whatever and however I am being "protected," from some drug thugs.
Some people want to demonize and accuse me to death of dogs and beastiality (which I have thought is nothing other than their jealousy of who I am as a person and their desperate attempts to ruin, slander, and desperately labelize my name).
Some people want me to be gay and be tormented by women and put it on me that I'm the one who is the "pervert."
Some people take the politcal stigma extremely seriously and I get caught up in extremist groups and unintelligable pigeon-holing when those extremist people are making judgement about me. Some people who are extreme in gay support would say that they believe they are supreme because they are bisexual and say that I must be closed-minded and inferior because I want to be straight. I never had any sort of supremacy battle over couple preference in the first place.
There are also endless lists of political issues where people fail to see me in my down to earth world and have extremely unreasonable expectations and judgement over who I am as a person.
It really does disgust me that some people really think they deserve to be so communistic and make so many calls over my life. It disgusts me how desperate people are with tormenting me by always being told what to do by someone. It is like people live to condescend me constantly and tell me what to do. They hatefully are in such serious denial with their own personal problems and I will always be the scapegoat where "I am the one who is incapable of being independent or incapable of doing anything at all." People will always be desperate to say that.
I don't understand the matrix. But in the system, I've learned how many hateful and desperate psychos there are in the world. So many enemies and sadists. I just don't get it. I don't get it at all.
I do not understand why my life is the way it is.

I'm literally, locally, famous

LOL. ~laughing~ There were a few people calling me a celeb today. I did get an interview yesterday at the festival, but I wasn't expecting front page. I also laughed to myself at some belittlement: "Yes, aren't I Little Miss Popular?" I am officially center of attention: real name, real picture. I have to admit, there is a new pressure there with how I am in the spotlight. Too bad this festival had to end early because of the rain, but there were only a couple of hours left by the time it rained.
I'm definitely planning on working some overtime with my crafts for another festival in a couple of weeks. I wish I would have spent more time in getting ready for more winter accessories, but these past couple of weeks have been so exhausting for me.

Burmuda/Australia fame? Nothing really exciting or new. I think people have connected me to Gaga before, and this recent sexual exploit today is a yawn and an unfair and desperate exploit. How dare I be naked in my own bedroom? How dare I? Goodness to heavens, where will I ever be able to get dressed? How dare I ever be naked?

I'm not really clicking on a lot of news. There are some periods of time where I just don't care to know or want to know some things. When I view the media and make my own personal observations of gossip that is either about myself or someone else, I do it at my leisure. Lately, I'm just exhausted and thinking of other things.

Some good news is that I had one interview and another lined up. There is no guarantee, but chances are looking good that I may just get a job. I really can't stand another bubble of hope burst over unemployment anymore. I just can't take it.
I could talk all day about the pains of being poor. My mom has been such a pain lately over the issue. As angry and frustrated as I get myself, I refuse to be a sexual harasser like other people. (And for so many that have their mind in the gutter, just frustrated. Not sexually frustrated. I still want to vomit over how many sick perverts exist in this world).

Nonetheless, I am a supermodel


(I know it is blurry and dark, but as a poor model, I can't afford a professional photographer).
I simply bitch at the way she is. She gets to take a complete week's vacation. I havn't been on vacation in the last couple of years. She has a fit every single time I ask for money even if it is as little as 10 or 15 bucks. She bitches all the time about me getting a job, forgetting how active I've been in trying to find one. She acts as if I purposefully want to be her bumb and as if I don't even want to have a job. Just because I won't tolerate some people doesn't mean that I don't want a job. I won't even tolerate my family with some things they do or say. They'll probably test anyway and B.S. and ignorantly talk about me to their own satisfaction. I am painfully poor. Painfully poor. I'm not asking for family counseling either. I'm just wanting a job and enough of an income to get out of here.

Lots of random thoughts

At first, I thought Dane may have been wanting to make another smooth move. But what is it really? An accusation, that when some numbers are decoded, means that I am, "guilty." This is extremely immature. Not only do I seriously deal with sexual abuse, but a dumbass rich person gets to win "judge," with an immature karma battle. This is pathetic. I can't believe NY is being ridiculous like this. Well, actually I can.
Dane has given me the impression that he feels threatened by some people who will take me for my word and give me support, and the only reason that he backs down and is supportive for me, is his lying out of his fear to stay alive.
He is being a Russian in this article to say: "Yes, I still really hate you bitch." (and will probably plot with other wealthy people over some excuse to have me killed.) So, he is not a white knight, he is an immature, lying, dumbass making his own Gadaffi moves.
Oh, and I'm pissed of at Martin O Malley's immature move as well. What a hateful man to lie and trash my name like that. You'd think that an actual professional who really is a literal politician would be an actual professional, but he's just another lying dumbass Gadaffi rock thrower.

http://www.nytimes.com/2011/08/26/us/26priests.html?_r=1&smid=tw-nytimes&seid=auto

Besides his Gadaffi move, Dane has played other mind games where he is seducing me. I hate him. I want to kick him. I also think he wants to manipulate me with someone else because I don't give him the attention he demands. He thinks I will either beg or let go because there is once again another woman available to meet needs that I won't yet meet. There is no such thing as getting over it time or any sort of explanation or apology in his world. It sometimes leaves me confused. He comes around the time that I feel most in the desert and most vulnerable where it is a piece of cake for him. He just doesn't care enough to not make things worse. I hate him and I have a hard time dealing with his asshole sometimes. I hate him.

Danica Patrick? Maybe it is the way I am coming across with CNN for the "marketing." I don't know. It is another foodstamp/doll that really doesn't mean as much for me as it does to other commies. I make no money. I'm still unemployed. I'm the one who feels taken advantage of. So the flattery, it just doesn't buy me, even though there is some kind compliments given.

I'm still on edge with getting a job.

I'm still anorexic to a lot of things.

I feel I have been ignoring Maggie for awhile now. I also have a guess that she isn't taking a hint or will not stop stalking me. I meant what I said when I disowned the friendship and don't want to be friends anymore. I meant what I said when I think she is another commie who somehow gets the entitlement to fuck around in the socialist tyranny and communism that I have yet to rid. She needs to take no for an answer. My mind has not changed.

As for the sexual abuse, there still is someone that I really want to murder, or someone to murder them for me. I think it is an ATK interrogator who thinks "they are doing their job." It is Sexual abuse and I want them dead.

Dear CNN

I really do appreciate what you have been doing recently for me. The Gadaffi news and the reporter you made out of me. While it of course feels unsafe to be appreciative and may sound provoking, I just have to write thank you letters while I can.
I have been observant of some feedback today and unfortunately it is not going too well. The Gadaffi reporting does really match how I feel: A bunch of dumbass people who have no point and live to destroy me are constantly going at it with me with their arrogance and personal hate. I am once again being tormented with arrogance today when I read locally, "I am the only one who is hurt." It bothers me that some people just don't care about their reputation. I hate that I get buried alive constantly by ignorance and arrogance. I hate the things I lose to. I hate that I know I am intelligent, capable, and a hardworker, and it never matters. I hate that people will not admit how hated I am and that they really do have some personal issues with who I am as a person and are further expecting me to be damned for their sake. It is the truth with how I am treated.
I've already seen another blame game today where I am being blamed for being fired "with gossiping emails." I am once again losing to some ignorant sore losers who demand that I be at their mercy.
I would say that I am probably being stalked in an imperialist way and that there probably are some particular wealthy people of America who want to sadistically rub it in they will always get their way, even when looking like Gadaffi.
I'm sick of the tyranny. I'm sick of people being arrogant.
Besides how hard it is to find and keep a job, I hate how much people take advantage of me with media, movies, music, a whole list of things. I hate the abuse people expect me to put up with. I really hate the nerve of people to think I should be damned, at their mercy, or their slave.
My workplaces have been unfair and rigged, but inside and outside of the workplace, relationships are damned as well. There is always somebody who wants to treat me like a doll and call the shots with who I date. There seriously are people who want to dictate the relationship. Some people are hardcore into making me be gay. It gets so sick sometimes with relationships as well. It makes me want to vomit how vulnerable and helpless I am with the gossip that goes on.
So, please, you're doing the right thing by showing how little other people's arrogance means. You're doing the right thing in broadcasting the truth of my cockiness. I do appreciate it.
I just hate it when I feel I can never win. The media can only do so much. I just want a job. I feel my life is going to waste because of a long list of communists who want to selfishly run it.

Thinking thinking thinking

Dane,

What you did yesterday had some meaning to it. It really did. Well, I guess CNN gets the most credit, but for you to share some support, I thought it was nice of you.
I hate how some people can misunderstand me with the entire picture of it all. I have hated the socialist system this entire time along with all of its rigs. With jobs, I have seriously hated the things people have gotten away with, choices made, and with the way people choose to take and manipulate my words. While you may not entirely be responsible for me not being able to have a job, I still have serious issues with how the socialism is set up. I will never be a slave. Even though you may get by now that I am a headstrong stubborn woman; it breaks my heart that people really would seriously let me die because I refuse to be a slave or feel inferior to another. There is a little pressure there with you if you really had a very serious consideration for me. But I think the biggest awakening of mine is that nobody really gives a shit or has even had any sense of who I really am and the real actions that I am taking.
I understand with what is supposed to be a literal job with a literal boss, that they are the boss. It is the extent of socialism and its rigs where I will always be forced to lose. I think if people had a better understanding of both boundaries and how to take me, life really shouldn't be too hard. I still have a strong hunch that there have been several workplaces that you are responsible for.
It isn't always workplaces that I feel hated and harassed. There is a larger picture to my world other than where I may be working at the time. I still hate that some people have the nerve to think I should have to have toleration for them and that what their real actions are will be manipulated into me being at fault for my own sort of "crime," because I should be guilty for not tolerating it.
Dane, while you constantly play games, confuse me, and seek to destroy me, I couldn't help but be a little more vulnerable with the little bit of breathing room/leeway you give me. This really is an instance where I really don't want to be bullshitted with anymore. I know you have your own Sufi group that is strong in mysticism. But right now, life is tough enough, and your mysticism and game playing over the issue is just going to add on with me feeling chronically fatigued. Maybe you want it that way. You have your own strategy of making me extremely tired and weary. Just don't. Not right now. I think there is so much where my mind is made up, I feel you are the one who needs to be real with me and say more about yourself or what you want. If you are wanting something, I just have nothing more to say or do.
I can't respect you in a private way yet. It is out there on Twitter.

What a Week

I keep working on.
Work that I barely get paid for.
I am a little happy that I did make a few bucks this week. Of course it is not close enough to a regular paid or even minimum wage job. I should be grateful, but the person that would stand up to say: "Things could always be worse," I wonder if the antagonists would ever keep their mouth shut?
There were 2 different events and one consignment and am influenced to seek more consignment shops. Still, it would not be enough to make a living off of. I have my own level of satisfaction in being a crafter, but I hate being poor. Such a pricy investment, but it gives me something to do.
I'm in so much pain waiting to find a job.
In man drama, it could be my oppressive/depressive state of being, or it may never end with how things work.
There is talk with some guys that come and go. Some good, some bad, sometimes feeling misunderstood, sometimes not knowing how to understand others. Sometimes, I think it is just talk, maybe b.s. or false testing that will never happen. Sometimes, maybe I'm just forgotten about or given a rain check.
Michael Ian's book was pretty interesting. It definitely had some vulgar and raunchy things in it. But besides some focuses of raunchiness, I like how he thinks outloud to himself. Maybe it is his own MIA cry against the matrix and his brainstorm is his own personal way of feeling he defeats what the system controls where himself and other people can't. I think esp from where he is from, he probably feels it more compared to a suburb. I like his van idea. Maybe an idea already thought of/ typical/ or cliche, but not everything in life has to be purely, personally invented. I like that common idea we share where it is no big deal to enjoy or take pleasure of something typical. Do I really seek a runaway van? With how my real life is going, it sounds like the closest thing to relieving some of my pain. I feel I deserve a regular, steady job and be treated as a normal person. When actions speak louder than words, people can not argue that it is my fault. I'm usually the scapegoat anyway. I'm not intentionally out to find a married man, nor do I want to be a slut the rest of my life. I really do want to be married and have kids. But when life goes the way it goes, taking some risks that would ordinarily feel pointless or absurd, doesn't seem even a risk at the end of it all. So, joyride for me, not sure if I bust a bubble of the thrill if the thought really was meant to be sincere and literal. Not something I would want to live in the rest of my life. Vancation.

Not sure about Jim. I have a gist that he is competing against me in several ways and making assumptions and I feel misread by Amish Jim. I did tell him I never forced him to love me or do anything. If he really is responsible in the matrix for taking action to harass or attack me, I really don't understand his point. Maybe he's trying to prove something to whoever he is with that he doesn't like me at all.

In other guesses, I guess my Aunt Lisa and Joe are getting together where I am once again being made a major scapegoat for the purpose of having some kind of definition or molding in their relationship: it is based off of hating me. They really can't sing: "you're so vain," to me after already have taken so much action to be arrogant, hateful, piggish, and attacking. I'm not necessarily telling them to break up, I'm simply saying: why should I have to suffer for their sake? Base the relationship off of something other than making me their scapegoat. How could they call that love for each other?

Dane hasn't given me a reason to say anything to him today. I can't see a lot that is going on in his world, but I do what I can to look out for myself. I don't care what some people are going to say with wigger to wigger. After everything has already happened, I really do not care what I look like to other people. Because he does care about his ego, I wouldn't be surprised if he made every effort to look the best he could. Maybe he'll get confused by his own ego with: what really is going to make him look good?

Van or no van, I have no other choice but to keep doing what I do: look for jobs and work at crafts and make effort to keep myself skinny. I do have some level of personal satisfaction/achievement.

Another Info Overload

There are lists of things that piss me off. I could talk all day about just how many things there are in life that pisses me off. It seems that some people would want to make a living of it.
In one positive light that isn't the most positive thing in the world, are some shows that I watch. I was surprised last night when I saw what some people had to say. Like I said, there will always be some that dump some kind of shit on me, but I really was surprised by what some other people had to say.
On Louie, I am having a little confusion with the capitalism and shares. Does he represent one person, or two? There are only 2 assumptions I have. It was an awkward show. The last show I watched was awkward as well, and if I was connected, I remained anorexic to the connection. But the thing I appreciate, he treats me like a normal human being. I feel like I am being treated like myself even if the painting isn't exactly how I see myself. It makes me feel like the free, independent human being that I should be acknowledged and recognized as, and there are not many people who want to see me as being free or independent. My poor vulnerability is taken to the extreme where some people assume I am to be extremely dependent on them. Sometimes, I think some people want to know some truths and the feeling of release could be compared to accupuncture. Sometimes, the incompetence that some people feel trapped with can be painful and compared to an oil rig. I feel a little bad for the awkwardness and if there is embarassment. I feel a little embarassed. But, even if I don't completely see the entire story in agreement, I think it is handled cooly, and with more normalcy or down to earth.
For the character Louie, in one of my assumptions, I really am confused about his ultimate agenda. I have a hazy memory of one time of him hating me and I question if he is another person who wants me to die, or if in time, has gotten over it and has a whole new mindset or different route in life. As for being in a relationship with how the conversation goes, I would have to say I agree yes and no. I feel a little sorry because I don't know how awkward the straight-forward exploit really makes him feel. It is down to earth, yet isn't because of the fact of it being a catty exploit. I wonder why he calls me Pamela. I feel flattered and think it is nice, but after the simmed feedback, I have confidence in him that he has a lot of fish in the sea and plenty of good opportunities in life.

Wilfred. Nothing too eventful, but I had a couple of laughs in last night's episode.

I really hate answering to people with everything I have in me. For the millionth time, who do some people think they are?
I see how life is set up and can be framed for people to be suspicious of the love I had for Dane and how some people could assume I'm going for my sister's husband David. No David. With how socialism goes, I technically should be sorry for you and take it easy on you, but I'm not. Stop being desperate. I get you have a gangster love for my sister, but with the rest of the things I have to put up with, I'm tired of the abuse. I'm anorexic to all accusations and sexual victimization games that you and other dumb ogres are desperate to dump on me. I'm fed up. Dane may have similar characteristics, and I hate that he does, and I've already had my own personal reasons to hate him. BUT when I talk to Dane, I talk to Dane. He represents himself. It is from me to him personally.
Speaking of, I did see one article where a guy shot himself for his girlfriend. In the matrix, I really don't understand how it adds up or gets interpreted in my world. Is it Dane? Did he connect himself to Dominic Cooper and he bites the bullet of the bad man? I could be guessing wrong with who my Jordan is. I will wait for further confirmation. Usually, it isn't loud with men and they would rather be deceptive or lying. It would take time to make my mind up. But, I also remember some other things and I just can't let myself be so forgiving this time around. My predictions are that I will probably have to take a few more hits for my un-nurturing small boobs and be the inadequate one. I've been toughing it out.
There are still some other guys I'm curious about.
As for last night on Fallon, I did pick up on a couple of hints. I'm just not comfortable in going there with one particular guy yet. I'm already agitated enough at how many different forms of hate I have to put up with, including some judgement. I just don't have the patience for what I think he is expecting. I may eventually have a bipolar moment with hands in the air to say, "oh WTF" but right now, my heart really isn't set on letting myself go easy on him.
I don't know who my "Brad," is or how seriously I should take some kind of arranged marriage. I see marriage talk all of the time, but a lot of it is so far away for me to be seriously decisive.
Speaking of, I finished reading Angelina's biography. I thought it was interesting and learned some interesting things about her. While I think it is foolish for a person to place security in knowledge, I do have a little more peace of mind with some of the things I read about. I was bothered when reading about "Salt." I think she gave me an insult that I don't know how to take. Whether she loves or hates me, she's always been a celebrity that I've been a fan of. I think I recently read that her and Brad are officially going to get married in France somewhere. Even though she is extremely wealthy, I still feel inspired in my own world to keep on living through life. She had her own suicidal times and a lot of reasons to be depressed (but still plenty of reasons to be happy). I thought it was interesting to read about her relationships and gave me a little hope in my world, that it really is a diverse world. Sometimes, I feel stuck with so many closed-minded, bigoted, or desperate people, and her story is a reminder that not everyone is closed-minded. I think though the odds are different for me when it comes to actual financial class: not many people are really going to be comparitively fair with me. It is rare for some people to be fair to begin with. Even though I may have very little that could compare me and her, in my own way while reading, I felt a little less alone in the world.

I can't keep up with all media. There is a lot out there and there are various times where there is too much or too little. I also hate how the statement is taken advantage of where people manipulate it into their own slave labor.

I'm looking forward to this weekend. I'm anxious to make some sales and have two days this weekend to sell some of my stuff. I hate that I've been too broke to be making more, but maybe money and time will eventually catch up. Still looking for jobs and hate the feelings of despair.

Anxiety

Today is a day I hate my figurative blindness.

Some man drama
Some men I don't know how to take
Some men, remind me continuously how much they watch me

I wish I knew more to be more decisive
Back to hate feeling blind

I will say once more, if it is Brandon B., I have seen him as a friend, and sometimes a brother. I'm pretty sure I've cussed him out a few times. If I am accused of being an affairee of his, I deny it. The Brandon at TGI Fridays represented himself in my eyes and was an asshole Jekyl and Hyde.
I'm still pissed with the experience of War of the Worlds with being caught by surprise just how much and not really sure how many people have been watching me.

Moscow? I feel blind. He is another man I have a strong hunch that wants to kill me. I'm not sure how I should take other people who could possibly represent him. I don't know if the man I met even represents himself or if it ends in some kind of capitalist mystery or one specific man. I don't know how to be waitful. I don't know what I should be expecting.

Perm?

I already see some responses for some of my complaints and as much as I hate some past experiences, can't help but feel a little awkward and anxious at how some other people may feel. I also feel uncomfortable over other people possibly being possessive or taking too much control. I will acknowledge that some people are taking action to do the right thing.
Will there be a big revenge or is it a time where nobody even cares to have such feelings?

Dreaming my life away

Although I am only credited as a dreamer, I mean from the bottom of my heart, how much I would cherish and appreciate a James Bond in my life. Yes, I think whole-heartedly I deserve to have a James Bond.
Of course, sometimes, people don't always get what they want in life.
Sometimes, life is not fair, never will be fair.

I've never been the type to use a person objectively against another person.
I've always thought independently.
I have noticed the way people observe my solitude and bicker and obsess relentlessly over it.
My mind has not shifted at all when it comes to using people.
But, if some people really want to take extreme actions and/or make extreme judgements, this is a clue to what I would want if my independence is refused and denied: