Random Thoughts

Another year of being poor during the holidays. I can't believe Christmas is 2 weeks from now. December is already going by quickly. Although I like to get out of the house and treat myself every once in awhile, I'm glad that plans have changed this year. My parents are not inviting anyone over, so that means I don't have to spend more money to get out of the house. I still will not be at the usual Christmas eve get together. My mother has already mentioned plans for a baby shower from the family and whenever the time comes, I will have to accept an awkward get together.........

Besides that, there are times that I think about the stars. Celebrity stars. I may not know my full history, but I did notice when my paranoia with the stars began. I have been trying to define the connections and the "whys?" with some people. Not all connections are negative and not all are positive. It seems like it is something I can only do on my own and on the other side, something that some people know to themselves from a distance. While I can't deny the differences between celebrities and non-celebrities who may or may not be wealthy, I still would never give a celebrity a god title. I think it varies with celebrities and their own egos with how they see themselves, and I'm not necessarily out to purpose my life to shoot down egos. If I made the effort, the success rate would vary too. It is more difficult in dealing with some conflicts of it all; especially when I'm the one who has the most disadvantages. Even in my more tangible world I still have my own conflicts that I feel helpless with often.
With all the conflicts, right now, I've been thinking about some of the maternal connections. I still can't explain or know for myself how in the world I made connections with some people. I definitely know through the proof of the connections that there is a bigger picture that involves a lot of people where something was seriously at stake or on the line in some way for me to have some of the connections with some people that I have. In the overall perspective of the celebrity connections whether it be maternal or not, sometimes it can be a meaningful connection and other times it makes life feel like some sort of curse in being damned in a way that I don't understand or stuck in a conspiracy or communistic life that nothing can ever be done about. Life feels communistic in a tangible way as well.
Anyway, back to some connections: Selma Hayek, Penelope Cruz, and Angelina Jolie. I wouldn't say the connections are primarily maternal and I think there are more associated connections than that. I do like them all. I love the characters they play in some of the movies. I know they are actors and have a personal life of their own that is its own different thing. My connection with them is a connection that I don't understand all of the time. Other times, I have to be silent or distant for some of the things that I know. There are plently of examples of this comparison of conflict, but this is one example that includes a pet peeve of mine "to be mothered," and some of the things that define mothering. I was very upset at the "Pink," song "Less than Perfect." Sometimes when I look at Penelope, Selma, and Angelina, I would compare it to being vulnerable to other aggressive and domineering women: "If I give you a piece of free candy, everyone is going to want a piece of free candy." Penelope seems more like a friendly association than a maternal one to me. With Selma and Angelina, I see some kind of concern from a distance. Of course their advantages can't be denied and I'm not always in a competitive mode. Sometimes, being awakened to things I am ignorant of can change that. Sometimes, I really hate being competitive and knowing they are the most impossible to be competitive with. I don't know all of their capitalism or connections and I don't feel I should be responsible for the connections they or other top capitalists make with others.
Kathy and Hoda, I think I did compare them as motherly and even friends at one time. I think they took the mother thing way too far. While I am aware of my personal family life and real mother and know there are some things I'll never know and some things where we are on bad terms; I was very upset with some of the things they said. I'm still upset at how in the world my life is the way it is and some of the things that have happened with my family and that I will most likely be the scapegoat of it all for a long time. Life feels confused and psychotically enmeshed with so much dysfunction in it all. I feel they are part of a large block to my survival but there is still a level of emotional attachment there. I'm not going any more deeper into it; my family's life was never meant to be anyone's reality show or talk show to begin with. I could have been an accidental entertainer, but not purposed to entertain or for others to be exploited. I am not responsible for how things began and some of the exploits that were made.
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I'm still going for entreprenuership. The challenge of it all seems to get bigger the more I get into it. It will be years before I take the complete leap. I'm going to stick with crafting for now and looking for work wherever I can. I have new craft ideas and have no other choice but to find and make cheaper stuff to sell and lower prices. Have to do what I have to do. Ebay is killing me with no sales. I'll still come around to making more detailed and challenging crafts, but I'm also set on making money besides creating work to impress.

I don't have a lot of other thoughts right now. I'm in a lazier mode. Another reminder is that I'm anorexic to marriage claims. If it is BS or not is not the complete part of the matter, but the other part is my own free will and life. Too big of a choice to soon and too many gaps.