What a Week

I keep working on.
Work that I barely get paid for.
I am a little happy that I did make a few bucks this week. Of course it is not close enough to a regular paid or even minimum wage job. I should be grateful, but the person that would stand up to say: "Things could always be worse," I wonder if the antagonists would ever keep their mouth shut?
There were 2 different events and one consignment and am influenced to seek more consignment shops. Still, it would not be enough to make a living off of. I have my own level of satisfaction in being a crafter, but I hate being poor. Such a pricy investment, but it gives me something to do.
I'm in so much pain waiting to find a job.
In man drama, it could be my oppressive/depressive state of being, or it may never end with how things work.
There is talk with some guys that come and go. Some good, some bad, sometimes feeling misunderstood, sometimes not knowing how to understand others. Sometimes, I think it is just talk, maybe b.s. or false testing that will never happen. Sometimes, maybe I'm just forgotten about or given a rain check.
Michael Ian's book was pretty interesting. It definitely had some vulgar and raunchy things in it. But besides some focuses of raunchiness, I like how he thinks outloud to himself. Maybe it is his own MIA cry against the matrix and his brainstorm is his own personal way of feeling he defeats what the system controls where himself and other people can't. I think esp from where he is from, he probably feels it more compared to a suburb. I like his van idea. Maybe an idea already thought of/ typical/ or cliche, but not everything in life has to be purely, personally invented. I like that common idea we share where it is no big deal to enjoy or take pleasure of something typical. Do I really seek a runaway van? With how my real life is going, it sounds like the closest thing to relieving some of my pain. I feel I deserve a regular, steady job and be treated as a normal person. When actions speak louder than words, people can not argue that it is my fault. I'm usually the scapegoat anyway. I'm not intentionally out to find a married man, nor do I want to be a slut the rest of my life. I really do want to be married and have kids. But when life goes the way it goes, taking some risks that would ordinarily feel pointless or absurd, doesn't seem even a risk at the end of it all. So, joyride for me, not sure if I bust a bubble of the thrill if the thought really was meant to be sincere and literal. Not something I would want to live in the rest of my life. Vancation.

Not sure about Jim. I have a gist that he is competing against me in several ways and making assumptions and I feel misread by Amish Jim. I did tell him I never forced him to love me or do anything. If he really is responsible in the matrix for taking action to harass or attack me, I really don't understand his point. Maybe he's trying to prove something to whoever he is with that he doesn't like me at all.

In other guesses, I guess my Aunt Lisa and Joe are getting together where I am once again being made a major scapegoat for the purpose of having some kind of definition or molding in their relationship: it is based off of hating me. They really can't sing: "you're so vain," to me after already have taken so much action to be arrogant, hateful, piggish, and attacking. I'm not necessarily telling them to break up, I'm simply saying: why should I have to suffer for their sake? Base the relationship off of something other than making me their scapegoat. How could they call that love for each other?

Dane hasn't given me a reason to say anything to him today. I can't see a lot that is going on in his world, but I do what I can to look out for myself. I don't care what some people are going to say with wigger to wigger. After everything has already happened, I really do not care what I look like to other people. Because he does care about his ego, I wouldn't be surprised if he made every effort to look the best he could. Maybe he'll get confused by his own ego with: what really is going to make him look good?

Van or no van, I have no other choice but to keep doing what I do: look for jobs and work at crafts and make effort to keep myself skinny. I do have some level of personal satisfaction/achievement.