When will I ever have a truly sunny day?

I think I'm taking myself on a picnic tomorrow. I'd like to go to the beach, but tomorrow just isn't a good day for the beach. A hike and picnic is a better idea. I don't know where I'll go to see the fire works. I usually watch from the parking garage, but maybe I'll go to the levy this year as I did in so many other years. I don't know.
I'm happy and not happy in my new business ventures. I hate the timing where I have to be a b.s.er at some things. I have to B.S. anyway.
..................................
Right now, life's pressures are so repulsive. Violently repulsive. Unbearably repulsive. Impossible to resolve.
It is another reason to be angry in life. If I were to continue to gather and seek more; I just might figure out my puzzle and world better. I'm so sick and tired of being the scapegoat over every detail. It does feel like slave labor to solve my life. It isn't fair that I should be hindered because I am so clueless with things. At the same time, an awareness grows, but not a complete or detailed picture. Hints, clues, guesses.
~breathing~
~breathing~
~breathing~

It isn't fair for my life to be so effected by some stories and happenings that I hardly know anything about. It isn't fair for my life to be so screwed over the way it is. It's not fair. It's not right. It's not just. It's not fair.
~Breathing~
~breathing~
~breathing~

As the Sarah Turns. More drama of course. I'm not asking for specific relationship help. I did ask for amnesty help for a few specific causes. It is embarassing that it could deal with actual relationship but I will never have respect for anyone who tells me how to live or how to be in a relationship. It will always be strictly be between the guy and me. Little red riding hood from endless cycles to cycles to cycles I would do before I would be ever told how to be in a relationship. If the big bad wolf wants to be a list of hate, tyranny, corruption, and crudeness, I will eventually resolve it all on my own one day. It is my business. Just because so many people have already gotten away with Sim worlds and Barbie doll games, does not mean that I have ever signed a contract; made a promise; made a choice to sell myself out just because other people have tendencies to be obsessed with me.

~breathing~
~breathing~
~breathing~

I really don't know who is definitely supposed to somehow be in my life and surprise me tomorrow for the 4th. It isn't safe right now. It would be ruined anyway because of so many things I don't know and sick of people taking short cuts and cheap manipulations to get me. I don't have the heart or patience for it.
Another independence day of true indepedence. solitude. but at least I still have my independence.