Danger Zone

The beginning of my day:
I was sitting at my tables and being the usual vendor and reading the paper while approached by someone who agrees with me: "Same old shit?" I paused with a smile on my face and just looked at him for a few seconds before a gave a firm: "yes." I bitch all of the time, but sometimes, my emotions are not predictable. I really don't like to be biased or force myself into a box to always believe the same thing, although I grow more and more cynical as days go by. I couldn't help but agree with same old shit even though I wasn't angry enough at the time to have those thoughts come out of me. It was such a definite and unchanging way he said it that I had to pause. Do I consider a simple agreement from one person to another to be my next permanent tattoo of life where nothing will ever be bound to happen? No.
This week, things were a little different. I had a few more conversations with people other than business small talk. Personally, I really prefer to not have full fledged conversations even in a small business flea market. I will only go to some limit before I become closed off, but it always feels awkward with the way I'm pushed to talk to some people. It bothers me that some people have not thought enough that if they want to talk to a person that badly, than why not make a plan to meet in a different kind of setting? I wouldn't be surprised if I were being set up to fail, but since I've been so desperate, at this point it seems like nothing could get worse if I bicker with people just a little bit more.

Amnesty may or may not be responsible for something that recently has happened. I don't know which justice group caused it to happen, but I feel in a little shock to have learned that there have been recent arrests made concerning drugs. I'm sure the main person who I've been yelling at has not been arrested, but through the matrix, it must have had some sort of effect with how things come to a conclusion. I really am afraid for myself in all honesty about the issue of being a "snitch." My complaint really was not directed at drugs but at inhumanity. Some indie news has already come through that the main cause really is a result of some people's drug habits and excuses to keep maintaining their drug habit. It is kind of like a huge car crash with a lot of accidents involved and I'm amongst a huge wreckage of cars.
I hate how some vanities paint me out in their arrogance and perception for me to be a wimp or something, but I really do fear for my life.

I really don't have much to say about some conversations I've had. It is kind of like I've always felt that way and am finally given the breathing room to have a little more of a voice. If anything is resolved, it is most likely another oil collection time.

As the Sarah Turns........................
Dane, I really don't want it to be a long moment of beating a horse to death, but I want to be a little more expressive. I don't know exactly how he is resolving himself: he is either being self centered in his own way, or I have beat him into submission with: "it's not me it's you." I really wouldn't be surprised if his "it's not you, it's me," is meant to be taken as an insult. I just reach certain points where I have no toleration. I hate the idea of giving him satisfaction if he is choosing to be a violent arrogant pig, but I'm upset too that he is the way he is. I really do not know why he has such a degree of hate against me. It comes and goes and I don't understand why he's that way.

I have a few new interests, but with the way communication goes with some people, I have not always had the easiest time in reaching guys or figuring out how to get them to come to me or keep them around. It is back to the old drawing board of how to connect with guys and get to know them. I wonder if anyone will ever just give in and communicate my way? I'm already impatient and I'm not sure how patient I can be after living through some drama. I need more relief in my life. One or two other guys I wonder about and can't help but be a little curious with.

I wish I had a job.

I hate being poor.