random thoughts

Right now, my biggest priority is finding a job. It really gets agonizing with what I've already lived through and having to wait to find one. It is more agonizing to be constantly broke and having so much anxiety, financial problems, and issues because of it. I will acknowledge that some people are backing off a little and being less suffocating that I'm entirely responsible for this mess. Other people, I just ignore their provokings, chokings, and blame. I don't know how much longer I'm going to have to keep living like this on my own.
I am happy with myself with meeting some small goals. I do have some of my own personal achievements.
I still get more than agitated with pigeon-holing, the way people make judgements, gambles, arrogance, and rumors, but that's life with pretty much anyone.
While I have a lot of antagonists and enemies, I have noticed some people who show some support in some particular ways. While I appreciate the support, one of my most simple favorite quotes is: "actions speak louder than words." It is great that some people don't bandwagon or go along with some ridiculousness of others, but when will something more tangible be done about it? Sometimes, I just think there are some things that don't really need more talk over. I think some things should just be simple made decisions. However, I'm dealing with so many difficulties, difficult people. Where it is a common understanding of how hated I am, I guess the entire situation is a complication of it's own where some simple decision to be made has to be complicated because there is so much trifeling, bickering, and negativism.

In other thoughts, it is back to taking things slow. My love life. It is really crappy right now. I hate to feel like such a pushover at times. I have sincere feelings and ways of being about some things and I will always be having to go through manipulations and compromises.
I can't give any definite answers right now. I think I have already won an argument in a more acknowledged way this time. I also feel that there is a little more fairness where I feel more acknowledged with bitchiness/bossiness. It is a few small changes but how is it going to be in the future? Is it just a matter of pressure where it is more centered around an ego, reputation, or vanity, or is it sincerely meant? Is this a one time only negotiation, or when other issues come along, am I going to be ignored and neglected and will have to wait for a long time? Is he going to be an alzheimer about it where the apology means nothing and when he gets pissed off at another time, I'm going to have to face more harassment and fucktard rapist interrogation?

As for the acknowledgement of me liking to be bossy and showing some bossiness, is there going to be more tricks and corruption where I really am ignored and have to keep endlessly jumping through bullshit hoops? Is it going to be me being stuck in a place where there is no point, there will never be a point, the person's mind is made up, and they think they can continue to trick me with bullshit games for the motive of either blindly taking advantage of me or for the motive of bashing my character "that I can't handle rejection," and desperately trying to feed the agenda "that the reason for my homicidal behavior isn't due to me getting fucked with or abused, but in favor of the person's vanity where I can't handle rejection"?
I am tired of being underestimated and people seeing me as being naive.

I continue to dream of having my own business but hate the anxiety of it all with how impossible it seems with my finances. I hate the feeling of knowing my personal accomplishments and how I've already thought outside the box and having to push more for more ideas because I can't come up with anything else. Endurance is easier said than done sometimes. This is a time where I hate any kind of pressures or criticisms. I keep working myself none-the-less but life sometimes feels in such despair because I cannot get a tangible break.