Random Thoughts

I've had cabin fever for some time now and some time to come. Some days it is boring, dreadful, isolating, and even tormenting for its own term. Other days, it is easy, peaceful, and laid back. I really don't have anywhere to go or anything to do. Being a homebody does have the potential to turn into a nightmare, but it all depends on a lot of things. There are some days that even if I were to magically inherit a large sum of money and remain a homebody I still would want to feel challenged in some way. Of course my wants of being challenged are usually different than how other people want me to be challenged. Right now, I don't feel like being challenged in the transition I am in. If I were to inherit a large sum of money, I would most likely start some business of my own and be challenged off of it itself. Being a poor homebody where I live can be more dreadful at sometimes than others. It shouldn't be so much when the baby gets here. ~thoughts outloud to myself~

~more thoughts outloud to myself~
As secretive as I like to be and quiet as I like to be at times, sometimes, it is difficult to figure out a way to feel ok with myself. Whether I continue to sit quietly to myself or find ways to try to express myself, sometimes it gets impossible to feel ok, especially since I am a more vulnerable adult.

It is probably obvious with a new seduction from a not so new person, and it confuses me in a number of ways. I want to cry. I want to run run run run run. I want to make myself unnoticed, hard, and not a giveaway or obvious all at one time. There is just too much in the past. There were and have been some things that I question, some rumors, and some definite things I have already seen him make choices with and how he chose to treat me amongst so much drama. Painfully poor and vulnerable. In times like these, some thoughts, strategies, or motives seem to make sense in the overall system, but I still hate the system despite it all.
I have some peace to myself in what I've already said for myself. There may be more to discover or things that I am unprepared for, but I have some level of feeling alright with myself for what I've already said.
Breathing breathing breathing I'm going to be ok I'm going to be ok