My current state

This week there were a lot of things going on. It was definitely busy. I had some times where I just made it a rockin week. Most of it was my normal fav rock bands, but this week the music was just that much more rockin. I know music doesn't fix things or solve problems, but it can be definitely soothing sometimes, and I don't care what ppl think about that. A lot of drama that I either don't care to talk about or simply have nothing to talk about. I still have a lot of violent things that I would like to say but for now, I just keep my thoughts to myself.....
The craft show this weekend worked out well. I made a decent amount of sales and feel even more satisfied as a crafter. Being a crafter still isn't enough for me, but this year was and wasn't satisfying. (Had I been having a regular steady job with a regular income, it would have been satisfying. Knowing my job situation, there were still a lot of pains that didn't disappear.) Everything is up in the air with having a job right now. I'm keeping other thoughts to myself.
I have also made more decisions for the business. I am definitely going to make a few more gourds. I had enough sales to keep making them. I have new things to try this coming up year and some designs to stick with. I'm going to be more easy going with the time as well. Buying and making just a few things at a time. I'm going to keep making some winter things because there is still time left in the season where I will try to sell on etsy and possibly ebay. Maybe the odds with etsy will be better. There can always be next year to sell. I have a little better peace of mind as a crafter with how things have gone.
I am almost finished Christmas shopping. I have several ppl to buy for this year and plan on doing it and keeping it simple. I have too many charities that I have received mail from. I havn't decided how to spend with that yet. Definitely not a lot of money this year, but still, small amounts do add up with some organizations.
Sometimes, I miss the old bullshit blogs or philosophy blogs that I wrote where I just brain stormed with thoughts and ideas or had my own ways of talking or guessing out problems. Because of how things are, a lot of what I think about life will just be written about a little later on. Some adventerous blogs were fun but I don't always feel like being adventerous or a risk-taker. Still spontaneous and leisure at just about anything though.

Dear Jon

I hate to tell you this, but we are back in Burmuda. First off, Apollo still gets to represent himself. Second off, if you see him as your senator, there are still no specifics with the whole cancer thing. I can't help but laugh, but when it comes back to you, it seems we are still at square one. I did get the other text about you and Denny that you are not being homos. Still you guys are still friends which is still rapist and repulsive, and I'm also getting another hint that you are possibly trying to manipulate the arbitrage and give me another jab where you are getting fresh with Katie.
If there is another Apollo out there, you can't ruin it for him.
With you, you have been ruining it for the longest time. You want me to be at your mercy in ways I have to lie. You can't force me to feel a certain way about something. You can't force me to feel inferior to my sister. You've already broken my heart one too many times but a heart break is different than an outlook.
Because you are already too violent, I have no other choice but to compromise myself in acknowledging more of your violence. I feel right now you are probably seeing Paul Ryan as a senator for me and you are coming across where I am playing the role of a man. You think my manliness is that I refuse to be provoked by any ridiculousness whatsoever. Maybe there is more to it and you just hate the way I naturally am when it comes to playing the matador and the bull. Like I said, you can't force me to feel one way or another. Especially when others are included in your sick gang-rape. Sometimes faking it is easier than others when gang rape is involved.

Just short and short

The only thing that was clear last night was bullshit mountain. What is the point in bullshitting more about bullshit and bullshit mountain when it is all nothing but bullshit? What is it you would like to bullshit about? Why do you feel that people deserve the mudslide shitslide of bullshit mountain? What is the purpose of your bullshit wrath over bullshit mountain?
Not sure about the bullshit with the ipad either.

Random Thoughts

Another festival coming up this weekend. Note to self to facebook invite it. I'm upset to have to miss out on the Great Allegany Race Saturday. I was just going to do a 5k, but it is the same day as my festival. So, just have to wait until next year for the marathons. I'm definitely planning on being more ready then and probably going to get a gym membership pretty soon. So much to do so little time...... Priorities, priorities...... I'm getting excited for Christmas. While I'm still considered poor, I will have enough to get Mitzi some presents and already have some planned in my head. Another thing I'm excited with is that Mitzi and I are getting pictures in a few weeks. I already have 2 outfits in mind for her to wear and one dress in mind for me, but am not completely ready.
Back to the festival. I wish I had the time to make more, but feel I have made a significant amount of stuff going from one festival into the next. I wish I had the time to make more cowels and more button bags of varying colors. There were other things I had wanted to make that I am in the process of making but just not enough time. Maybe by the time the bazaar gets here, I will have been able to make a few more cowels and button bags. The rest of luck will be for etsy and ebay and maybe a few flea markets. I still have loads of books and pillows to get rid of. Next year, I'll have that and baby clothes to sell if I havn't already found a job. I'll still probably do that or a yard sale anyway........
Not a lot to say about the media. Arbitrage was not in the local theatres, so I will just have to wait for it to come out on Netflix. I know my thoughts were directed at Jon and will simply make myself a little more clear on this blog. So many things to feel buried alive over..............
Not a lot of jobs in the paper this week. I'll have to check online and have one idea to finish. November will be the month I will probably have more of a day to day effort. I have thought about applying for a state job, but with how things have gone, I have had my doubts. If I ever did save enough money, I would wait for a social work job outside of Cumberland, and if I had even more money saved, probably one outside of Maryland. 50 states to choose from. I don't know how they are about living in the state though. I don't know. Still open to a lot of ideas but actually finding a job is a whole other story.

Random thoughts

Preparation, preparation. Spending some time, but not enough time to spend to be at the organized level I would want to be. With common sense and practicality, it would be better to spend more time in making crafts than having a highly organized inventory. I do give myself credit for organizing this year's inventory though. I wish I had had time to make more of certain crafts. There was a particular hat last year that sold well, and for this particular festival, I do not have a large amount of them to sell. The ones at the shop had already sold it seems as well as some baby hats. So it is good news and bad news with the number of particular products I will have. I only had the time to make 2 pairs of baby ugg boots as well. The next two festivals, I should have time to make a decent amount of more products that have already sold well. Some new hats this year, that I hope do sell well. I am assuming that some of my beret hats have already sold at the MC store because they were not there when I had went to pick up my stuff. My gourds will be there, so I am eager to see how they will sell. Some of them are hanging pots, so during the season, I don't know if the hanging pots will sell. They were meant for the springtime. Whatever season, a sale is a sale so it really doesn't matter too much.
I am happy to see that the weather forecast has changed. Even then, a forecast is only a forecast. Hopefully, the day of will be sunny as predicted.
Other random thoughts...... I've seen BS before about employment. Sometimes I will read, most times I won't. It is nice to see some thumbs up and encouragement, but the fact of employment is the proof is still in the pudding: I will have a job when I have a job. I really don't think too much of times when I get led on with getting a job. Besides so many other lies, it is more cruelty to falsely make me believe something is coming for me when it really isn't.
that's all for now.

Dear Lance

Hey Lance, I'm surprised to see you're still giving me a thumbs up. ha. or are you? Don't take my Adam Lambert or "cross-dressing" too seriously. I simply have my own sense of humor. Maybe you are being bisexual or gay, or maybe I'm just too overassumptive....... If you wanted to be any kind of emotional support; you really aren't winning at whatever you're trying to achieve. You most likely must need a lot of emotional support right now and it's just awful we both need a lot of emotional support at the same time. This isn't me asking to get some bitch's breasts shoved in my face either.
I just may go running today but I don't know with how much time I have. It has been awhile since I've ridden my bike. I don't know how you want to feel some emotional support. With the distance and all, there really can't be a lot of strong feelings of significance but ~I'm with you in spirit with whatever is going in on in your arbitrage and whoever my supposed senator is. ????..........???? um yeah........
If you are being a sincere cockblocker, I appreciate it. While it seems a lot remains unresolved with Jon, he is mostly in the same pattern in his abusive cycles. He wants to tell me how to live and expect me to still live and be around him with how he chooses to live. He has expected me to be subjected to his numbers of women numbers of times. That is one of his most inhumane expectations, but he has other ways of being abusive. I don't know what you hear; how you roll; or who your friends are, but presently, Kim K and I are not friends whatsoever. e-n-e-m-i-e-s. This isn't any kind of lesbian victimization game; this is serious shit coming from both Jon and Kim.
I've blogged before on some of my ideals and the games people play and leading people on. It is like people and even specifically Jon purposefully bullshit and make stories just to be cruel on purpose. I don't get all his games; why he keeps playing them; why he has been so cruel and led me on for a long time. Just don't get it.........
Wouldn't mind a distraction though if you are seriously trying to be one........... It would be cool to meet you in person; I wouldn't mind if you tried a little harder.

Talking and Thinking out loud

This typical blog does get me in trouble, but sometimes I feel I have to talk for my own peace of mind. There are so many things I remain perplexed, upset, and disturbed by. Most of the time, I argue against the idea: there is always someone who has it worse, because I see it as an excuse to be forced to live through hell. It doesn't seem like there are many options right now anyway. But the thought of there being someone who has it worse is somewhat of a comforting thought. I really do not know specific things or reasons as to why I live in such hell and why I am hated in such indescribable ways by some people. I never have imagined that I would live through some of the things I have lived through. I never imagined how awful my life could be and some of the shocking things that have and have yet to register. I don't understand why I am hated in the extreme way I am hated. Besides feeling like the victim, there really are several people that I would love to give such a hard punch in the gut or totally beat up and demolish altogether.
Denny remains a stalking, harassing wigger in corrupt ways. nothing to prove.
Jon is still one in his own way. While I have had actual feelings for Jon, he is no less dehumanizing and a wigger as Denny. One sick thought of an affair I have wondered about is if he has had a gay affair with Denny. Still not 100% sure about my father. His numbers of affairs is so disturbing, shocking, and hateful, it is something that I can't completely process. He is a bigger asshole than Josh would have ever been at this point. Disturbing, crude oil, hateful asshole. Right now, according to the media, he is either having an affair or matrix affair with my sister. The thought isn't surprising. Katie is still full of herself and has never proven anything to me. There are some hunches with Kim K, and I can't stand feeling buried alive once more with more lesbian or overpowering gossip. I hate Kim and mean it with everything in me period. I don't care how wealthy she is, how popular she is, or the number of beaty contests she has won. I DON'T FUCKING GIVE A SHIT. I really could call her a wigger at this point regardless of any title she has. She is not entitled to me at all. If I were ever given a license to kill, I would have her murdered for thinking that she owns me. I couldn't bear to watch Ted with Jon and see it as another disturbing, violent, wigger kill of his whether or not I am ever in regards to him. Life is so tough in such a severe way right now.
As for Joe C (one of the cap brothers). I don't know what he is trying to prove right now. He threatens me and my baby in the worst way and then all of a sudden it is peaches and cream with me and Joe? Where does he get his sense of reality from? What in the world is going on with Joe C?
Where do I stand? Dying alone, or living for a better future. I do not wish to die young. I do hope that my future is better one day and I have more of one. Comforting bubble songs that remain probably for a long time:
In Savages, if Chris had a Senator in it, I really would have a hard time in figuring out the wtf? with Chris. He will always be a dreamboat to me or some kind of faith for a better future. His music is inspirational. I havn't found a personal person who is around his persona to match me, but I like his type of man.

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Random Thoughts

While these past two weeks have been planned with the plans being unexpectantly hectic and a little messed up, I feel a little better for myself in my own way.
This time, the weather wasn't a factor. Well, the weather did have some effect yesterday, but no electrical outage or anything. It was just a totally screwed up day. I should have set my alarm clock a little earlier. I did not make it to the race in time. By that I mean that the minute I arrived, the horn went off and the race started. I grabbed my running number and tried to catch up anyway, but it was still a little embarassing. I was technically about 3 minutes late. I'm still not up to my full running potential quite yet either but I pushed myself a little more anyway. The weather eventually had an effect because I was getting a mild headache during the race and I didn't feel safe when I tried to run. I did finish the race though. The last embarassing thing was when I didn't realize 5k was 5 kilometers and not miles. I hit the 3 mile mark thinking I had two more miles to go and kept going after I had made it to the finish line. I thought something wasn't right, but the 3 mile mark wasn't right either. I thought I must have went down the wrong road and wasn't going to make it to the finish line at all. When I finally did get back I discovered I really did cross the finish line, but just didn't know I had finished. What a day.
.......There is some relief to know the next race I do which is 10k is only 7 miles. I thought it was really going to be 10 miles and was going to do it anyway, but it is only going to be 7. So, hopefully I can make up for myself a little better on the next race......
I'm getting a little more excited with crafting but not too excited. Even though I had a baby, my clock is still ticking. I have to finish off my resume a little more and am going to apply for jobs starting tomorrow. There is always the unknown amount of time with my ~in the meantime~ So, in the meantime, I am excited about my small crafting business. I have an additional festival this year and am thinking about seeking out another one. There still is not enough time in the day. I try to make the most of the time I have, but it always seems there is just not enough time in the day.
Yesterday was Mitzi's official 3rd month birthday. Of course she is still as adorable as can be. So many things to think about to myself with Mitzi. tick tock tick tock. I think I've decided I'm still going to be offended and disturbed by Madonna, but still like her "Hung Up," song anyway. It is detached.

thoughts

I have many thoughts to keep to myself and nothing to say. However, there are a few thoughts to put out there. With Jon, it is still the same impossible story. Impossible in every direction. There is definitely a lot of terrible and negative things going on with him and even with the up to dates of this week, but it remains in an impossible stand still or "stalemate." None the less, I pick and choose to chat over some things he mentions..... In putting aside the number of shares and the bickering and arguing that comes with it, is the gist of the idea he has stayed insistent on: being a performer and entertainer. Jon, I thought about flirting a little with the idea of: Well, what would happen if I made an agreeing confession: "yes, I am a performer/entertainer." The answer could be that the milk or perfume or whatever expression has already been spilled. In it's own way, the worst has happened in a way where there is no question and there is no answer. Some could call it the best, but I would use the word "worst," to cut to the chase of a possible threat. Besides your insistance Jon, it is just a subject of matter that I havn't put much thought to either worrying or bickering about. Ok, I take it back because there have been times where I have felt taken advantage of with the idea of entertainment and the media, but the idea of being a performer or entertainer is shown in a different light than what you are trying to say. I also picked up on a further suggestion and it is another thing that I don't care to bicker about. It is another example where I feel misjudged, but Jon, when everything is impossible with you anyway, what is the point in arguing over anything? ------------------------------------------------------ Penelope Cruz. I feel I should have to do some research with Meryl Streep. Sandra Bullock kissed her as well. If there is more to a story and I am supposed to be aware or paranoid, I should try to figure it out with some people. I can already tell Jon hates the Penelope in me and I'm not exactly or necessarily provoking him with the thought of her. She has some scenes that are the more accurate and inevitable thing of happening. I'm directing this to the Pirate's movie. As for the new movie she is coming out with, I'm only curious to see what the talk is for now. Maybe it is just a movie for movie's and entertainment's sake, or maybe someone has serious gossip or a serious point of view with their own perceived shot calling. Usually I do ignore someone when they refer to me as a hooker. Because I like the actress, I'm just curious to see what it is about. Even though she says there is no judgement, I would still definitely deny the title of a hooker. ------------------------------------------------------------------- As for Selma, I could barely hear the tv last night because Mitzi was sleeping, but it was definitely a violent and disturbing episode of Jay Leno. It isn't something I would look forward to in going back to watch the episode. With so many different ways of symbolism, I hate my own confusion and even possible forced perception with symbolism which involves a hairstyle in this instance. A hairstyle is a hairstyle that anyone could have even without symbolistic meaning. Some people purposefully are symbolistic but sometimes, my own paranoia bothers me when I think people are going to even read into my hairstyle. I'm bothered enough about obsessive symbolism and assumptions. I usually ignore and let people assume and guess anyway. I hate it when they are taken seriously and know I'm being lied about. Back to Selma. If I were to read into it and symbolism was serious, she breaks my heart that she would have a share with Megan. It isn't that I'm telling her what to do, I see how the picture is being presented and when it is presented, she is actually the one who is taking "ownership," "possession," or being responsible for a domination game. I simply hate Megan period. I am curious to see both of their new movies though. It is what fans do. I may not be a fan of Selma's much longer though. Oh papillon, oh pappilon. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Besides having a load to say, there still isn't a load I havn't said. I'll just leave it at that.

Dear Jon

Hey Jon I'm not really in a talkative mood today. I did want to say though, you had a nice Brawny man moment the other night with the turtle bash. You forced me to laugh, so I took it as: you better trust me. So many mixed signals in 2 consecutive days on "As the Jon Turns." I still don't think you're much to lean on, but you still have instances where you can be something to lean on. Still confused with a lot of things about you. I feel like there is so much gossip with some other people I should catch up on, but there are times I think it would be simply useless or just don't care. It isn't that I want to be a hermit the rest of my life, and sometimes I really do hate feeling so alone. I don't know. I have other focuses right now that aren't much about a lot of people. I don't know if it will ever get anywhere with what I'm doing, but it keeps me from being bored. I'm definitely a tired and busy mom and definitely have a focus on her. I guess I'm trying to say if you want me to do more homework or pay attention to some people, I don't know what any of your specifics are or even what you would still want right now. I'll be watching your shows anyway......

Dear Jon

Short and Short I really don't have a lot to say to you. Life is really complicating and I just don't have much to say. In the show last night, there was really nothing new. I didn't mind the script writing and story telling. As long as it is not too much of a threat to my rep where ppl take you seriously to want to damn me, I don't care. I think you knew the Hitler/nazi thing was more B.S too, but if you are seriously even wondering, no Jon, I am not a nazi nor am I coming up with any plots of nazi's killing you. While you may not have the beliefs of a nazi, you have the actions of one. So basically, I think you're a hypocrit anyway when it comes to talk of nazis'. But outside of my personal snowflake world in more literal titles, of course I would be on the side of a Jew before the side of a nazi. You can count on my said loyalty for that. As for other things, I really don't have a lot to say. If you seriously wanted to talk about anything at all, you know I'm around. Sometimes you have to be a little more stressing or emphasizing about something if you want me to take you seriously and I'm sure you may have caught onto that by now.

Dear Jon and The Today Show

Despite your asshole "Rent," remark, I'm going to sit down and talk anyway. I did catch up on the clips of the Today Show. Of course I did not watch every clip but the ones with Palin.....What I really think..... In continuing to push Brian Williams aside, I think the show itself as a show looks more committed than anything. Of course not in marriage terms, but they seem to have some kind of commitment. I don't take them at face value and see it more as a front where there could be several hidden agendas: They may want to be the ones to say where I can't handle the truth (I don't know if that is the only agenda they are out to prove). In a less cynical view, they could value me as a person and want to make the effort and work in trying to get along with me, wanting to mend the abstract relationship, and forget about everything and be friends again. I did and didn't entirely get the concept of the wolf trap. It is even a more abstract relationship at this point where they may be wanting to have the same agenda again. I really do not know what is going on with the today show and why you and they are making efforts for me to pay attention to again.
I know the worst has happened with you and you have the potential to break my heart more; but as I've said so many times, I'm not an objective thing. Just because I may make connections with you again doesn't mean I'm going to be that way with everyone. Not just you and the Today Show, but everyone. It is indescribable with and in the ways I've been offended and I still have yet to make sense of everything. I'm sure some of the same issues of being taken advantage of, control issues, and jobs of tyranny are going to come up again. I just don't want my life to be like it was those couple of years. I'm sick of financial instability. In the Today Show, although they have many great skills and quality that even involves relationships with people, I still am at odds against the socialist structure and control. I have wanted my life to be different.
Of course you know I still don't get everything. I did think it was nice of them to come off as nice and kind. I really don't know what the deal is with Matt Lauer and why he would be provoking me with "permission." I would assume it could be an eye for an eye, but besides the idea is the reality that I'm not even the one who is controlling Palin. It could be more seen as words being put in my mouth just so people can be BSing around with more gossip about me. Speaking of putting words in my mouth, I really don't know who it is this time. Maybe despite the things I've said to Brian, he is the one who is writing the script to try to keep me alive and being the bigger person. I really don't know how the system works.
Another instance was with Tori Spelling. I really don't know who she could be representing. With the high school pictures of 90201 I think she looks like Jade a little. I was never close to her but we went to church together and were in different high schools. Because of the Brie cheese, she could be Bree Ann M. but I really don't know who Tori could be in my world. Maybe she is just representing herself in her real stardom. So, I do have my guesses. With Jade, it is ok to be making friendly efforts with me. I've never had anything against her, I don't know if she has ever seriously done anything against me, and I think it is simply kind to want to make efforts of friendship. As for Bree Ann, she is one of the women that I think you could be with and that I still don't know and especially don't trust well. I may eventually find more info on her and have a later say; I did have a hunch she could be one of your crackhead gangster fellows, but we're all trying to be professional right now aren't we? Besides putting words in my mouth on my end, I'm not on good terms and I don't want the friendship. I also see how I'm made to be provoking with her when condescending her with "my long experienced motherhood of having 5 children from 4 to 23." Not only do I hate the provoking set up, but I also hate that someone is already putting my motherhood into competition. You've already been rude enough with Mitzi and I don't need your rudeness anymore. You take your slaving too far when you constantly make me the ball to your ball games. You're an asshole that is ridiculously and far out demanding. I don't know. Like I said, I don't get the system and when it comes to responsibility, I could be off on my assumptions. I only have so much to work with when trying to figure out a picture.

Thoughts

What a week. exhausted. not a whole lot to say. short and whatever.
My last Dr's appt upped my anxiety to be off the charts. My nest is officially ready. There will always be something more to do for the baby, but my nest is ready. What I was saying though is that the Dr said the baby could come any day now. It is in the grey area of the due date which is 2 weeks prior and past of the due date. It was scary and surprising to hear I am already in the zone of it being normal for my water to break at any time. I definitely feel I could bust sometimes, but it is just surprising. I also had news that my regular Dr wasn't going to be there and is going out of town but the office has a couple of other Dr's that I have been acquainted with. I'm having a hard time understanding why she would bail at the last minute but I'm sure I'll be ok with the other Dr's.
Besides already feeling busy and exhausted, I feel like I'm going to go through a book reading mode again. There are just sometimes that I feel like reading more than others and this is one of those times. just random talk. I'll probably be too busy but eventually get around to it.
I can't interpret or decipher what is completely going through social media right now. There is a lot of confusion and I'm not sure what to believe. If there was a hunch I was supposed to believe; it is another piece of info that is shocking and difficult to get through to myself. I don't want to know but then there is the pressure to believe something which puts me in a position where I should be embarassed. I really am lost and am not getting or understanding anything.

Nothing much else. Typical weekend with typical things I do that is alright.

thoughts

There is so much that makes no sense right now. I don't get anything. I don't understand anything. I know I've said it before, but today is a day to say it anyway.
There are some thoughts that I keep to myself and other thoughts where a said response is just going to be delayed for the time...
Besides foggy drama is other stuff in life. I finished one of my bags that I was working on and it has made the rest of my day crappy. It is a flop, a failure. It was a summer market bag gone aqua seaweed pile. Perfect yarn on sale that still was pricey. With a bag like that, I should have used a cheaper, experimental yarn. I have had this artist frustration before when something doesn't turn out right. I just hate the waste that it is and with life already crappy enough, me having to deal with a small fail. I think I'm going to try again. I had already caught on to one mistake I had made, but besides just that mistake, I think I am going to make my own revisions to design the bag. It may be another flop and fail but this time I will be using a cheaper, experimental yarn. I am so upset though that this did not work out, especially with that yarn.
I am of some relief that I got a lot done on my to do list. Some tasks still stressful in themselves and if the specific stalker in mind I'm thinking of covers that too, I am afraid of his consequences. I just don't know how to not do or say some of the stuff I do. There are still a lot of things that aren't very clear right now.
The weather has been crazy this season and season coming up. I turned on the air conditioner twice today and another negative part to the day was discovering that the car's air conditioner isn't even working. I am already dreading the summer and not sure what Mitzie and I are going to have to do without an air conditioner. Maybe my parents will pay to get it fixed. I hope they do. There were a few odd ball random days in the winter too that were warm. Today felt like a summer day though.
So much to think about that it isn't funny.............going back to quiet mode.....

Dear Jon

Where do I begin?
I went to Niner's today. The food was pretty good. It was mostly a burger joint and while it isn't a huge franchise or anything, I could compare it to a Red Robin. One of the burgers did have an egg with it. The other burgers were more creative and out of the box compared to other burger joints. I kind of just smiled at the manager who I recognized when the place was a bar in a smaller building. Some matrix people, I just don't know how to really look at them. The other new place, "Uncle Jacks," is pretty good too. They have burgers, but their plus is a larger menu. I've already tried a lot of things that were on the menu because it is in a connection to another local restaurant. Still good. The new Niners building looks like a place you can dance which I won't be out doing for awhile. Long live Jersey Shore! ahahhaahhaha Another hunch I have is that you like role playing a few of the characters. I originally thought it was Vinny and "The Situation," that you had shares with, but I'm not too sure about the role play. I should have let loose more and been a little more aggressive with the farmer guys that were in the matrix a couple of years ago.

I also watched the movie "Hugo," yesterday. Is the toymaker supposed to be a model of Putin? I still don't understand why you and Sacha went psycho over it. I don't understand what the psychotic rage was all about. ~If I were to have a boy and name him Hugo, than I would have been dead and without a story immediately after the baby was born.~ I really don't remember what else was said. Probably more mean criticism about my small boobs. I really do like the name Hugo though. After that movie, I don't know if I should feel personally threatened if what would happen if I gave a boy baby the name "Hugo." The movie was ok. Not one of my favorites.

Gossip with my mom........ I take what you said about her more about the gist of how she is more than the topic she was talking about. There are times where I have been immunely cold and other times where I'm upset with my family situation as a whole. It is embarassing with my mom to be like that and I'm actually surprised that she watches your show on a regular basis. I really havn't been paying a lot of attention to my mom or dad in the matrix. I write them off often. Maybe my mom has actually been upset for me with the drama that has happened with you and I and that is why she is acting like that. She usually does undermine. Maybe you purposefully scapegoat me with a lot of underminding from people because my mom may possibly be harassing you. I can't see the entire picture to the drama, I can just tell that you're bothered with my mom. Do I agree with my mom that you are the devil that she makes you out to be? Yes, but my personality is much different than my moms.
I can't tell if you're being seriously agreeable that I'm your slave or if you are mocking me. With the way you present it, of course it is funny and gets a laugh out of me. There are sometimes where it isn't funny at all. But I really do see you and some other people as real tyrants who damn my life.
There were other times on your show this week where I didn't really know how to take you. You make comments about people and things where I feel I have to know them and their detailed information to catch on to what you may be trying to say. Besides a few laughs last night, most of this week really has been tough and painful. I still think you're being too severe.
I've seen a few other signs about marriage and proposals and I don't take it seriously or believe you seriously want to marry me. If you were serious; I really wouldn't understand you or how you would want it to work? I'm not even going to brainstorm because I don't take it seriously.
I'm also confused with you in the matrix again because you make it sound like you are responsible for knocking me up. You are either speaking for the father, or running away with your imagination in a way that I don't get.
Pill Bill. Pastor Bill S. from Oklahoma? Yes and no. It really was all figurative speech and amongst the rest of the list of people who get possessive and take too much control, he is on there with them. Besides being possessive and controlling, I remember him being violent. From a biker church next to an indian reservation it could be expected. Bad memories and good memories. I just don't want to deal with any more possessiveness and controllingness from him or anyone.
In your case, I'm trying to be your whipped slave as best as I can because of how things are going now. I know I'm coming off as friendly in this letter, but some things really don't make sense to me.

Dear Jon

Where do I begin?
I'm still on the first season of Mad Men. I'm getting some kind of idea; but there has been nothing that has really struck out as me as a valid piece of information to get or understand anything.
You continue on with some of your Prince rage. Oh master, how could I let you down with not being antibacterial enough? From now on, I



that I will be more mindful and alert of times that I should have more regard for the values of cleanliness. (I really do see this as a pathetic battle and reason to be stalked and have people breathing down the back of my neck). It is only you that I'm answering to, and while I am at it, I'll tease your mind a little that I may just buy one of those French Maid costumes to wear around the house while I am cleaning after my pregnancy is up.
...............................................
On to other thoughts. I'm getting bothered at how you are wanting to call the shots with rape. I was pretty pissed at some phone conversations I've had with the baby's father. I even asked him when he was talking and being judgemental, if he was directing his conversation at me and sees it as: himself raping me with a "teenager," mentality. He denied that he meant it that way when I asked. I really don't know why he would want me to call it rape. I think if anything, it is another strategy to make me feel insecure both in my sexuality and personality. I really don't know what guy would want to be called a rapist and deny that I was willing? Why?
After the night it happened, which was another typical fling and one night stand for me, I could consider him a social rapist. I already see him in a rage where he has turned my free speech into me being his stalker and predator and the one who is psycho and the bad guy. I think the answer to my previous question of rape and this thought is about a matter of responsibility. Of course it would be easier for him to do anything he could to make me feel insecure and trash talk my name so he wouldn't feel anymore responsible than what he is. I really have been upset at how he has been handling it and I'm sick of his trash talking and victimization.

I know I throw the word "rape" around a lot and have even made jokes out of it. Despite some action, I will not deny that I have moments where I really am very serious about the term of "rape."

Maybe you seriously did plan for me to be pregnant and -the day after pill- I took was a placebo. Maybe you have some kind of plan for me to permanently stay damned to you where it is framed more at my fault to be damned to you. ?

I'm still happy to be pregnant and a mother despite the baby's dad or even you who would want to ruin it for me.
......................................

It matters that you have some extent to being on the same page as me and in my world right now. I'm not understanding all that is going on with you. I can tell we are being pulled closer together right now, and it matters to me that you get me to some extent.
I know a few months ago I was the one who initially had a loud pity party for myself. You or the baby's father could have taken it in a vain and egocentric way and maybe that is the explanation of why you have called it rape. With how he has been and the history I do have with you, there really is an extent of self-pity. However, it isn't just about you, unless you would say and prove in all seriousness that you have been responsible for every ounce of tyranny in my life. I doubt the other John would have that ability or control. As for you, I question how much you are responsible for.
I really don't want to wear my heart on my sleeve, but it was one of those moments where I didn't know how to not breathe. With the experience I've already had in dealing with people lying and telling the truth, I really wanted to get a piece of my honesty out there: that I feel sorry for myself and the baby with how much of a hated person I am and how messed up and screwed over my life situation has been. The Carrie Underwood song is very true. I'm just not out to rub in how true it is. I want the truth out there yet I want to protect myself at the same time. It is just another instance where I can never win.
I'm already sick of how much people trash talk my name and test me and abuse me in the worst way. I'm so sickened of how arrogant people are and some of the testing they've gotten away with. People don't want to be responsible for anything. People do not want to see their tyranny for the truth it is. I have felt ignored and denied for the longest time. I'm sick of how desperate people are for me to be their underdog. I'm also fed up with the other sick and psychotic games people have played with the testing and abuse. Not only am I "the more than willing victim," but I am also more than the blamed victim with the expectation that I'm supposed to have an explanation for people and be their maid over the sake of their trash talk. I hate the China stereotype not just for China, but myself for what the stereotypes have been. I hate how arrogant and sick people are.
I have never lost confidence in my intelligence or judgement. Just because I know I am not the first priority and even am aware that I am hated, means nothing. People have their own illogical fallacies all of the time and it is another example where I am expected to have my emotions and feelings controlled for the irrationalities and irresponsibilities of others and also have to maid and mother people by correcting their fallacies. People will deny that they want me to be the boss, but in the end, it is expected of me to correct someone's irrationalities and irresponsibilities and also to be emotional over it. With some explanation of my feelings, I'm already feeling I'm being forced to suck it for a large number of people that I've already put on my rapist and authoritarian list. This explanation feels so raped out of me right now. It feels disgusting and gross to have to express myself like this.

I'm still offended that people have yet to silence Maggie, my sister, and a few other women for their sick arrogance and accusations. I do take serious offense that they havn't backed down and nobody is standing in their way and that people still think they deserve to be above me. I'm still very offended by their arrogance and trash talking and how everything has been dealt with. It isn't anything new; it is the same old bullshit.

I have already told you that I do not know how to not breathe. I do not know how to reduce more violence in my life. I do not know how to lie in some instances. There are some people who are out of control and I just don't know how to handle some people. It does bother me when I have to feel responsible of not being experienced enough or "respectable" or "dominate" enough when people are out of my control. This is another instance where I hate feeling scapegoated. It isn't fair for me to be so damned or for people to feel entitled to waste my time. I don't care over the fact that I am poor. I'm sick of people using my class of wealth against me and being biased and prejudiced over it where it is ok for them to waste my time and it is ok for me to have to be subjected to whatever they think.
I'm not going to go much further with that. I'll just say an in intentional fake way: "how dare I express myself like that." I'll keep catching up on "Mad Men," and talking through it. I don't have much commentary now, but I may eventually have more comments and stuff to say. Maybe you would like my silence the most.

thoughts

I had to keep the baby blog separate. I just might look back and read all of my blogs one day. I already hate that I have so many ideas crammed into one blog sometimes, but that is just how I do it......
I am ok. I am ok.
I think someone might have been making a pass at me earlier. Right now there are just 2 main hunches, but I really don't know which guy I should be paranoid with. I can tell I'm in several stockholms right now. It is quiet and I am supposed to be the paranoid person that I am. I just don't know what it really is that I need to pick up on. Sometimes, I think there is more to it than just a couple minutes of company. I don't know what to say right now in regards to the stockholms. I'm just going to stay quiet with it.

As for other thoughts.... I was very surprised when I learned that I am getting a significant tax refund. It still isn't a whole lot of money, but in this brokeness that I've been living in, it is a good chunk of money for now. I could use a little relief. I don't have to spend one of my savings bonds now or yet. Yay for me. It is another good thing besides having knit some of the baby attire.
I was grateful for the charity of the free tax service. I could already tell I was somehow being stared at in the matrix and some continued things of obsessions over me. I just ignored it and did what I was there to do: get my taxes filed. People overassume and read into everything all of the time, but I hate that I got paranoid over a simple remark of: "thank you for your free services." There really are a lot of places that would reference themself as a service. I guess I'm just so used to being around stalkers who constantly have their mind in the gutter and sometimes say their own assumptions out loud. I'm not going to be too desperate about it. It was nice of the free tax service but it wasn't nice to know I was being stared at and even obsessed over in an indirect and blinded way.
I think I have my mind officially made up though to join a local marathon team. I'll probably also try to save a chunck of that money to invest in taking a vacation. I havn't been on vacation in years. YEARS. I don't know if I want to save for a larger one when Mitzia is around 4 or 5 or if I want to give myself some kind of break now. I really need to get away. I've listened to Lenny Kravitz song enough times to be ready for a getaway at any time.

I think there is some other stockholmed light comedy going on now with several people which is something like "The Secret Police." hmph. It could give some answers but I don't think it is going to explain anything. Maybe some kind of mental vacation or just joking and messing around because people are bored and looking for something to do. Sock puppets. God, I have been reminded of an earlier blinded stockholm. While I have some slight embarassment over my isolated goofiness; I'm still mad to know that someone was possessively watching me and even wants to intentionally further ridicule and embarass me. yada yada yada

I don't have much else to say right now. Too many aches. I'm not going to talk about all of my health problems. I think I'm just going to stop typing now.

Someone just say something

I have already been compromising. I have been sincerely and consciously compromising myself. I may not have compromised my entire being, but I have made some compromises. I've already said that I do not know how to not breathe......
I know with this transition in my life, job seeking is not the easiest thing to do or even available thing to do at this time. Maybe the big dogs, the big princes, the head honchos of the number of stockholmers really want me to be a stripper. Besides feeling the push, I just can't take so much inhumane treatment in workplaces. I can't handle the rigs; I can't handle the unfairness; I can't handle the way I am lied about; the arrogant and harassing people I've had to put up with; and above all else, I hate that people deny the entire reality and constantly reduce me to nothing. I just can't take it anymore.
I can easily see how hated of a person I am, but I can't see all of the architects or what their mentality or reasoning really is and what it could be trying to say. I'm probably already getting under someone's skin, but I've already said that I do not know how to not breathe. If someone is expecting me to say something; I really need a script because I do not know what I am expected to say. Say nothing and just be a stripper in about a year's time? I really don't know what is expected of me.
I do need the people who do know that they have the control to be more direct and straight-forward. If my entire being is once again denied as it has been, I would assume the answer is they want me to commit suicide or for me to find ways to play along with "their undeniable truth," that their architect mind has said about my being and undeniable definition of it.
I've already felt choked and suffocated and with how this isolation is right now; I just can't take it. I've already said mercy to a few people; I just don't know what it is that anyone wants. I really don't know.

Jon

~speaking from a laid back and easy going posture and state of mind~

Jon,
Right now, I see you as hard to read more than anything. I see myself more as coming to you in this instance than to try to meet any specific demands. I don't take you and Steve seriously or at face value when playing around. As for you being my Brawny man, you are and you aren't safe. It is a win-lose with some things. I also take you as a multiple texter who has the potential to respond in any kind of way and maybe even in a trapping way. How could life get any riskier?
Anyway, I'm going to try your Brawny man out a little more. Life is usually pretty heavy and tough for me. I think some days are worse than others and the days that are worse are especially more difficult when being alone. I think some media and gossip circuits have been going around a little more. The Penelope Cruz pirate has already been out of the box, but sometimes people get it in different ways with this island that I'm on. I have a down to earth life and media life to juggle where it has never been fair or even with any kind of reasonable structure or life. It is like I feel the weight of being famous without literally being famous or rich, but still have some consequences to deal with anyway. This is a reason why I feel taken advantage of by the media. Of course I'm going to be easier on you for the time, but I don't think you are the only famous and wealthy person responsible.
Something odd is going on at the hospital that I'm not getting. This is a time where I don't get the matrix or networking and I think I'm not the only person who is confused with how things are networked and concluded.
I still feel ignored as a person. I still feel like I am in the middle of some abstract mess where people do nothing but compete to see whose slave I am going to be.
Your other women.........hmph..... Jon, I just feel I'm in an impossible situation with this. While I think some people would deny me, other people could catch on to who I am. In a figurative sense, there really is no breathing room. I can't tell if it is just you that sadistically wants to feel pleasure over the people I have to put up with, or if you have any kind of expectation or demand of me to deny myself and make the best acting job I can that: I am inferior, they are to be feared, I should worship the ground they walk on, their judgement is above mine, they are far better at anything than I will ever be, that I'm a bimbo. I could say I feel that they definitely want me to be their underdog, but with you it seems like it is multiple texting to see how and who will respond to you. If you are expecting me to be their underdog, people's hate is something I obviously can't control, but when it comes to myself, I feel like there is no safe way to work with it. I feel no matter what I do; I can't win. I don't know what it is that you are expecting.
Katie is still at a distance. Although I hate her harassment, accusations, stalking, and desperations of all sorts, I still have a concern for her. This isn't about codependence or domination games. It really is a comment where people win some and lose some and the people that are on my side, she is a danger to herself. It is just one of those things where I have no other choice but to let go and have her learn for herself, but with how it is with my sister and I, everything is impossible between us. I'm still tired of her aggressiveness and hostility that is from her being full of herself. A guess right now could be that her current hostility is about thinking that I'm after David and wanting to wreck them, or it is the usual domination battle where she is desperate to say that I am her inferior.
Katie isn't the only person I have to put up with. I'm just so impatient Jon. I'm so impatient with so many people and I feel like my life is on the line no matter what I do. I'm ignored as a person and people are always going to be catty in playing domination games. I don't know how to help myself. With how your Brawny man is with all of your women; I don't know if you're going to be much to lean on either. I don't know how to find protection. I don't know how to disarm people. I don't know what to expect from you.
I don't know how to not breath.

~Master I love you ~ you know I need you ~ got to have you ~ can't be without you~

As the Sarah Turns

Seth.... You really have me stumped. You still have a piece of my heart but you really have me stumped. I didn't quite hear everything at the beginning of the show, but I will roll with your Arab man player concept. You also give an impression that you are bisexual. I wonder if you want me to wonder if you are a sexaholic or sex addict with the number of people you could be relationally involved with. You just led me on in such an intense way that I can't or don't know how to let you go if you wanted me to let you go.
I also see how the setting is making me look like a player. hmph. I will elaborately explain this one. Macaroni Grill? I don't know who I am on a date with. I'm assuming it could be someone's safety net for me "for the sake of my ego and that looking single would make me unworthy." Well, to describe any kind of relationship is awkward. Single and seeing you? ......I don't know...... Johnny Depp. Jessica, you are and aren't making me jealous. I will always like the techno "WTF" song, but as for the impression he left on me? It wasn't good to compare me to my Aunt Lisa. Some of the shares he may have had with others was awkward. To top it off, he is the one who is symbolically responsible for leaving me stranded and damned to this figurative but real island that I am on.
Seth. You are being smart with reality and who the biggest threat is. Luke. Presently, yes and no. He represents and has a great stance with one particular battle: 4th ammendement and rights to privacy. In the general perspective, it is for the greater good and should always be an acknowledged ammendment. In my world, it is and is not a sense of security. I have already suffered feeling overexploited and violated even in some ways that I do not know how to describe. Instead of sticking with this particular battle, I would rather go to the entire concept of the war: ISSUES OF ENTITLEMENT.
I have some pretty hateful enemies that want to go beyond just exploiting me. They would want to have the entitlement to say they deserve all entitlement and would want to slave laboringly rape the shit out of me in some of the most inhumane ways. This is something that can't always be seen, because as the cheesy quote has already been said: A woman's heart is like an ocean. And, I'm not always wearing my heart of my sleeve.
Entitlement though can go beyond just privacy, exploitation, and even physical nude exploits. No matter how severe a tyranny can be, I will always believe that a person has a heart, mind, and soul of their own despite the lengths a tyranist would go in claiming "ownership," or "possession."
(Luke really knew what he was doing when he chose the battle of the 4th ammendment. However, we are not technically dating. We can digitally have some different kinds of communication from time to time but I havn't seen him and don't consider myself to be in a relationship with him.)
There are so many fallacies amongst people and the tyranist that not everyone will ever understand. There is not only the more tangible issues of communication, but there is also a lot of psychology and grey areas within issues of entitlement.
In this damned island experience that I have already observed, people intentionally test and trigger dominance, possessiveness, and entitlement to either say how much they love wanting to torment me or how much they would hate me. I consider myself ignoring and negligent disregarding any claims any person would have. That is what is going on with my snowflake. It could be a different story with other snowflakes.
Any way, in communication, not everyone is going to have the integrity to make a real acknowledgement. A time investment should not always have to be required but when it varies with importances between either party, sometimes a time investment can't be skipped. Some people purposely lie or intentionally torment a person for the sake of wanting to torment or get under their skin. It just varies with people to people how they take each other and the things they would lie about and what the priorities of their goals are or whatever it is that a person is trying to prove.
Besides this, is so many other subcategories and issues within entitlement. There are differences between class of wealth and even smaller subcategories of codependencies with poor to poor; wealthy to poor; or wealthy to wealthy. It can be broken down into so many fractals from there that it isn't funny. Entitlement is such a severe and dangerous subject that not a lot of people including myself may comprehend in entirety even if they tried. I do give myself some credit that I do have a good extent of comprehension and understanding of the issue of entitlement. It can be frustrating that I don't have everything solved, but I am satisfied and proud in my own intelligence with the things that I comprehend.
While the war of entitlement is the biggest war in my eyes, I have taken note of some other battles. I really do hate when the sexual nazi battle is brought up, but that battle really does exist. People really do have serious and even severe sexual discrimination and issues of all sorts. There are plenty of other battles. There are plenty of other agendas and sometimes it is as simple as being vulnerable to the interests of the wealthy. It doesn't really turn out to be simple but the reason of the battle itself is. I think some of my major issues is how much people are in denial. I may not always have severe hate crimes to my face, but I hate that people would deny that I am hated and purposely set out to be unemployed. There are plenty of strategies to either get me fired or quit, but I even hate when people deny their desperations and riggings and corruptions.
In other random thoughts................Seth, when I wonder about possible shares and connections you remind me of another local. I'll just say his first name is Dave. I really would find it surprising if Dave really had any serious romantic feelings toward me. I like Dave as a person and would see him as a friend. I think it is nice if he were to try to make effort with me, but I just don't have feelings for Dave like that.

Dear Seth

Once again, I was not able to stay awake during the night hours and watched the show during the day. My routine has varied throughout the past few years. Anyway, a few thoughts.....
Kelly Clarkson. I think she is a very talented singer and she has made some good songs throughout the years. I think it is nice with whoever is coordinating and networking that they would connect me to have a share with her. Again, it isn't that there isn't anything personal against Kelly, I'm just tired of either being bribed off or used for entertainment. Sometimes, when I get emotional, my emotions aren't always meant for the world to know. My reality or drama is not always meant for the world to know. While it isn't my present core emotions, there have been times that I can really relate to some of her lyrics. Maybe the architect sees a larger picture where in their judgement, they think it is best to guess and exploit/foodstamp how they see me with whatever drama may be going on in the big picture. Although I like Kelly, I like the Metric acknowledgement better with: Who is the one who has control over the exploits? Who is the one who is playing Barbies? It varies with how leisurely or lenient I am. While there are no major crimes or serious offenses in this episode, I still am bothered by not understanding the control factor and the things that I can't see. I know the show isn't supposed to be about me, but I have not succumbed to the manipulations of bribery or being taken advantage of with entertainment.
Is that a little more clear or understood? Do you get what it is that I am trying to say?

Thinking around those lines, I see the domination game already coming into play:
New girl scout stripper with the name of "Oatmeal cookie?" I think I know why you are going the route of the namecall of little girl scout:

You want me to call you father or daddy and bend me over don't you?


Guess what? If this competition were to be taken seriously, Anderson is already referring to me as his mommy.............

Seth, in a different page, I seriously wouldn't mind having a person to talk about the idea of being a stripper. I totally think that it is out of character for me to do it. I really would have a difficult time going through with it. While I know for myself I have never taken any literal action of being a stripper or even a hooker, I have been seriously accused and treated like one. I've suffered real degradation in a capitalist way. I think I've lived through the worst it seems. To take the literal action of honestly being a stripper really is a different story. If I can't find a job, I would consider it to be taboo and courageous for me to push myself to go through with it. While it seems you may be already making some sexual jabs at me, I've already known I'm not the most at being: pretty, beautiful, or sexy. I think I am a decent looking chic though and know that some find me attractive. One of my phrases has always been: beauty is in the eye of the beholder. Attractiveness can vary with people.
Because you have led me on and I have a thing for you, I won't be anorexic to this jab for what it is.... I think I've already made jokes about some do-gooder posers when I call them "boy scouts." I wasn't really insinuating anything about any guy's sexuality, it was about Supermen attitudes that some guys have. Who knows, some guys may be another woman's superman one day, but I just wasn't impressed with some guys posing Superman. It looks like a superwoman to you, would save your day by bending over to your chauvenism any time at any demand. A superwoman would be whipped by your Prince attitude and be at the top of the sex object list and a professional at pleasing you. Maybe I could be a little extreme in judgement or maybe you are very sincere at wanting a professional sex object. Seth, I already said you have put a hook in me and while I am having a share with Marilyn Monroe, I would hate for it to turn into Marilyn Manson and have our song as "tainted love." You havn't even seriously been with me and don't look like you are making a serious offense to say I am a pitiful sexual disaster. Who knows, maybe you really do want to seriously try me. Not only could I smack you for using your matrix imagination too much and say you don't even know my real thing, but are you seriously a die-hard chauvenist? In my world, sex and attractiveness matters, but I think it is shallow for it to be the only thing that matters. Yeah, I have flings and such but that doesn't mean that I've never wanted to be more than just a slut. Some guys, I'm fine with that. But in the general perspective, being single isn't always something I want. I live day by day..........

In other thoughts, I think you may be keeping Josh Myron separate from your brother Josh Meyers. You really havn't been clear about your literal brother's role of capitalism and you may not even be out to gang up on me. It looks more like you could possibly be either mediating or people pleasing to diminish any supremacy games between the both of us with neither side being favored and that we are both being picked on. I really don't want any more violence in my life and could have some extent of appreciation. I've already noticed a couple of instances where some guys' ignorance has been called out. I havn't forgotten that people have referred to me as being stupid. I really don't know how the political capitalism and the rest of the entertaining capitalism came about over me, but after all this time, it looks like some of my other enemies or predators are being called ignorant. I don't live for the crowd anyway. I just want all of the damnation to stop. I have some satisfaction with the media, but I would have more satisfaction if more damnation were to stop and if I had more control over my life.

I don't know everything that is going through your head. Did it give you a serious fuss for me to use coinstar instead of a bank on an occassion or two? hahaaha Or do you see it in a different way in the matrix where you're upset that "You're wealth and values," has been devalued? I'm not sure what page you are on or if you have any serious possessiveness of me. You could be thinking in a different context.....