I'm still on the first season of Mad Men. I'm getting some kind of idea; but there has been nothing that has really struck out as me as a valid piece of information to get or understand anything.
You continue on with some of your Prince rage. Oh master, how could I let you down with not being antibacterial enough? From now on, I
that I will be more mindful and alert of times that I should have more regard for the values of cleanliness. (I really do see this as a pathetic battle and reason to be stalked and have people breathing down the back of my neck). It is only you that I'm answering to, and while I am at it, I'll tease your mind a little that I may just buy one of those French Maid costumes to wear around the house while I am cleaning after my pregnancy is up.
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On to other thoughts. I'm getting bothered at how you are wanting to call the shots with rape. I was pretty pissed at some phone conversations I've had with the baby's father. I even asked him when he was talking and being judgemental, if he was directing his conversation at me and sees it as: himself raping me with a "teenager," mentality. He denied that he meant it that way when I asked. I really don't know why he would want me to call it rape. I think if anything, it is another strategy to make me feel insecure both in my sexuality and personality. I really don't know what guy would want to be called a rapist and deny that I was willing? Why?
After the night it happened, which was another typical fling and one night stand for me, I could consider him a social rapist. I already see him in a rage where he has turned my free speech into me being his stalker and predator and the one who is psycho and the bad guy. I think the answer to my previous question of rape and this thought is about a matter of responsibility. Of course it would be easier for him to do anything he could to make me feel insecure and trash talk my name so he wouldn't feel anymore responsible than what he is. I really have been upset at how he has been handling it and I'm sick of his trash talking and victimization.
I know I throw the word "rape" around a lot and have even made jokes out of it. Despite some action, I will not deny that I have moments where I really am very serious about the term of "rape."
Maybe you seriously did plan for me to be pregnant and -the day after pill- I took was a placebo. Maybe you have some kind of plan for me to permanently stay damned to you where it is framed more at my fault to be damned to you. ?
I'm still happy to be pregnant and a mother despite the baby's dad or even you who would want to ruin it for me.
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It matters that you have some extent to being on the same page as me and in my world right now. I'm not understanding all that is going on with you. I can tell we are being pulled closer together right now, and it matters to me that you get me to some extent.
I know a few months ago I was the one who initially had a loud pity party for myself. You or the baby's father could have taken it in a vain and egocentric way and maybe that is the explanation of why you have called it rape. With how he has been and the history I do have with you, there really is an extent of self-pity. However, it isn't just about you, unless you would say and prove in all seriousness that you have been responsible for every ounce of tyranny in my life. I doubt the other John would have that ability or control. As for you, I question how much you are responsible for.
I really don't want to wear my heart on my sleeve, but it was one of those moments where I didn't know how to not breathe. With the experience I've already had in dealing with people lying and telling the truth, I really wanted to get a piece of my honesty out there: that I feel sorry for myself and the baby with how much of a hated person I am and how messed up and screwed over my life situation has been. The Carrie Underwood song is very true. I'm just not out to rub in how true it is. I want the truth out there yet I want to protect myself at the same time. It is just another instance where I can never win.
I'm already sick of how much people trash talk my name and test me and abuse me in the worst way. I'm so sickened of how arrogant people are and some of the testing they've gotten away with. People don't want to be responsible for anything. People do not want to see their tyranny for the truth it is. I have felt ignored and denied for the longest time. I'm sick of how desperate people are for me to be their underdog. I'm also fed up with the other sick and psychotic games people have played with the testing and abuse. Not only am I "the more than willing victim," but I am also more than the blamed victim with the expectation that I'm supposed to have an explanation for people and be their maid over the sake of their trash talk. I hate the China stereotype not just for China, but myself for what the stereotypes have been. I hate how arrogant and sick people are.
I have never lost confidence in my intelligence or judgement. Just because I know I am not the first priority and even am aware that I am hated, means nothing. People have their own illogical fallacies all of the time and it is another example where I am expected to have my emotions and feelings controlled for the irrationalities and irresponsibilities of others and also have to maid and mother people by correcting their fallacies. People will deny that they want me to be the boss, but in the end, it is expected of me to correct someone's irrationalities and irresponsibilities and also to be emotional over it. With some explanation of my feelings, I'm already feeling I'm being forced to suck it for a large number of people that I've already put on my rapist and authoritarian list. This explanation feels so raped out of me right now. It feels disgusting and gross to have to express myself like this.
I'm still offended that people have yet to silence Maggie, my sister, and a few other women for their sick arrogance and accusations. I do take serious offense that they havn't backed down and nobody is standing in their way and that people still think they deserve to be above me. I'm still very offended by their arrogance and trash talking and how everything has been dealt with. It isn't anything new; it is the same old bullshit.
I have already told you that I do not know how to not breathe. I do not know how to reduce more violence in my life. I do not know how to lie in some instances. There are some people who are out of control and I just don't know how to handle some people. It does bother me when I have to feel responsible of not being experienced enough or "respectable" or "dominate" enough when people are out of my control. This is another instance where I hate feeling scapegoated. It isn't fair for me to be so damned or for people to feel entitled to waste my time. I don't care over the fact that I am poor. I'm sick of people using my class of wealth against me and being biased and prejudiced over it where it is ok for them to waste my time and it is ok for me to have to be subjected to whatever they think.
I'm not going to go much further with that. I'll just say an in intentional fake way: "how dare I express myself like that." I'll keep catching up on "Mad Men," and talking through it. I don't have much commentary now, but I may eventually have more comments and stuff to say. Maybe you would like my silence the most.
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