This typical blog does get me in trouble, but sometimes I feel I have to talk for my own peace of mind. There are so many things I remain perplexed, upset, and disturbed by. Most of the time, I argue against the idea: there is always someone who has it worse, because I see it as an excuse to be forced to live through hell. It doesn't seem like there are many options right now anyway. But the thought of there being someone who has it worse is somewhat of a comforting thought. I really do not know specific things or reasons as to why I live in such hell and why I am hated in such indescribable ways by some people. I never have imagined that I would live through some of the things I have lived through. I never imagined how awful my life could be and some of the shocking things that have and have yet to register. I don't understand why I am hated in the extreme way I am hated. Besides feeling like the victim, there really are several people that I would love to give such a hard punch in the gut or totally beat up and demolish altogether.
Denny remains a stalking, harassing wigger in corrupt ways. nothing to prove.
Jon is still one in his own way. While I have had actual feelings for Jon, he is no less dehumanizing and a wigger as Denny. One sick thought of an affair I have wondered about is if he has had a gay affair with Denny. Still not 100% sure about my father. His numbers of affairs is so disturbing, shocking, and hateful, it is something that I can't completely process. He is a bigger asshole than Josh would have ever been at this point. Disturbing, crude oil, hateful asshole. Right now, according to the media, he is either having an affair or matrix affair with my sister. The thought isn't surprising. Katie is still full of herself and has never proven anything to me. There are some hunches with Kim K, and I can't stand feeling buried alive once more with more lesbian or overpowering gossip. I hate Kim and mean it with everything in me period. I don't care how wealthy she is, how popular she is, or the number of beaty contests she has won. I DON'T FUCKING GIVE A SHIT. I really could call her a wigger at this point regardless of any title she has. She is not entitled to me at all. If I were ever given a license to kill, I would have her murdered for thinking that she owns me. I couldn't bear to watch Ted with Jon and see it as another disturbing, violent, wigger kill of his whether or not I am ever in regards to him. Life is so tough in such a severe way right now.
As for Joe C (one of the cap brothers). I don't know what he is trying to prove right now. He threatens me and my baby in the worst way and then all of a sudden it is peaches and cream with me and Joe? Where does he get his sense of reality from? What in the world is going on with Joe C?
Where do I stand? Dying alone, or living for a better future. I do not wish to die young. I do hope that my future is better one day and I have more of one. Comforting bubble songs that remain probably for a long time:
In Savages, if Chris had a Senator in it, I really would have a hard time in figuring out the wtf? with Chris. He will always be a dreamboat to me or some kind of faith for a better future. His music is inspirational. I havn't found a personal person who is around his persona to match me, but I like his type of man.
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