The world was always too corrupt

My ears are being made to burn again today. I can tell I'm being talked about in several different ways, and I'm not surprised with the way my name is being trashed. The thought of the victimization games and violence begets violence with judgement makes me cringe more. It is typical though. While I have always looked into the dark unknown and unknown social circles and societies, I still see myself above the rules and laws in so many different ways. Words cannot describe just how far some corruption, lies, and cheap inferior judgement goes with some people. I've never stopped screaming at some of the bondages some people expect me to be in. Periods of living in terror to several different extents over corruption come and go. I can tell that some real life cops want to look at me and I am once again the victim of poor judgement and arbitrage corruption. It is always going to be the most seriously disorganized situation with some cops, and social circles of people..... When dealing with corruption, there have always been too many unstable fragments to be forced to be scatter brained and in question with. It is what I know I can't see; I know something comes from somewhere, but where, and what are some people entirely talking about? In my sickest hates and death threats I feel there are military men and people from atk that I've never met that are the most responsible for the most crippling and defenseless sexual assaults and harassments being made in the sickest most severe ways. When I believe such a sick sexual assault comes from such a source, there isn't much in the world to trust or have some kind of security or protection in. I'm a victim who has suffered a serious crime where there should be no excuse or justification. I don't trust the right information is always networked in the right or truthful ways from source to source in social groups and random groups of authority. I have a permanent anger to live with in knowing the gang rape I've already experienced. I know some would expect me to commit suicide, but they can only murder me for thinking they are right in keeping me in terror, harassed, and sexually assaulted. Yes, I will live in my anguished resilience, to see more days, to talk about that and the ways I know I have much more of a life than that. Yes, there are certain people, rules, and laws that I will always see myself as being above. I know the most chauvinistic will always be in the most jealousy and rage with who was I ever to not be beat in submission in certain ways? Who was I ever to stay too confident or confident at all? I march on. The world has always been too corrupt; I already feel this conversation is it's own pointless talk because when some people don't want to understand their levels of corruption or wrongs, it's nothing but yelling at each other back and forth. While there are always consequences and periods of violence begets violence, I'd rather succumb to my fear of being called a coward or willing inferior. While too many people have never known how to take me in too many ways, I can't stand being misjudged and cheaply judged in such sick minded and hateful ways. I don't always respond to the world's sadisms and hate, but however I'm being stared at now is pretty loud.

From the Prisoner of War

The situation has grown more complicated. I feel brave in continuing to write about it. It isn't a fair situation in the arbitrage and how some supernatural phenomena works. Although I'm not literally robbed, there is a share I'm forced to have with Kim K anyway. My responses to the situation aren't the same either. I'm still upset about the happening and it hurt me to have been threatened like that. I'm too brave of a rat, but I use everything against Zack for the way he wants to put on a friendly pose. Zack wants to act like a friend or try to befriend me. He still isn't playing it safe enough, especially after the red flags have been out. I think there might have been a moment last night he was trying to make a straight forward insinuation about something, but he leaves me guessing with just how much of an intentional liar he is. ... Speaking of, and in another subject, I would still conclude him as being bisexual. I could have wanted to guess him as being gay, but he stays a serious flirt with a number of women including myself. He mustn't want to be identified as gay for having put on such a front of interest with some women. Unless he is not playing a juvenile or sociopathic game, he looks as if he wants to see how many people he can make a fool out of. Like I'm not watching you Zack. Like you don't lead me to believe several entirely and contradicting different things with you at once. Zack stays brave with me, but not brave enough. I can only be forced to ask for it: whatever real way it is he wants to come down on me. Zack I do think you're attractive, but I don't like the way you're being identified as David, or wanting to give yourself that much of a credit with how much of a relationship I've had with you as I've had with David. David was still a sick joke of a relationship, but do you really mean to give yourself that much of a credit? I'm lost with you Zack, and you're keeping me lost. Just try me. Say whatever it really is you want to say. I bet you'll keep playing your blinding game and wanting to make me guess. I think you know there is a way I don't want you to take advantage of me, but you want to trick me to take advantage of me anyway..........(in a terrible unladylike raunchy way, I'm saved by the rag this weekend).

Did I get what I wanted?

.........I think if there is one strong mean jab I feel, it is: "be careful what you wish for." ..... I do feel pretty punched though. I'm upset at the couple of serious violent attacks there were. You say: "you made me mad." Suppose it was all just your anger. ..Did I push your limits too much? Is it more of your ego, or do you have an emotional care for me? Are you loyal for another? Is it normal for you to act like that when you're mad or did I really push your limits beyond your comprehension? I'm still in some shock and I don't know what to say. If there is something other than one main obvious thing you want, what is it you want from me or are expecting? I know my innocence with something, and your manipulative blackmail doesn't have me beat. You did Stockholm me right to my face and you looked like both Jack and David and who I would presume was the "bad cop." You look a lot like Zack too. I'm not sure who I'm talking to anymore. It seems a combination of you and Zack but someone IS playing tricks with my mind and I know I'm being watched by someone that I know I'm too blind-sided for. Don't overestimate how much I do know you. I don't know what you want. Please don't be violent anymore with me. mercy

secrets secrets

can't completely ball gag me Travis, but I'm more quiet than not. There is still a lot to wonder about with you, another "Tell me baby what' your story song." What has been entirely going on with you? Although there is no mystery in some ways, there is still mystery in others. .... While you could be typical in wanting to have some threats in some ways, you really don't seem the psychotically judgmental type. I do see a lot of people as terrible judges of character and savage at that. It was a form of barbarianism and "domination games." I do think Sam is a judgmental psycho and "Me Before you," is in my queue to be watched soon. Can't save it much later for a rainy day anymore, but I would be curious to know what your real outlook is with the role plays and how that story plays in with the rest of your entire story...While you can call me out with being a little defensive and not thinking I can take you, I'm not out for my ego too much or to make a tough man contest out of it. I know I can beat some Don Drapers off me in due time, but it takes a lot of screaming and some trials and tests of time. I've been around the block a bit with my Drapers and understand the ways I can't win. Not only are you a Draper, but you're married with a Utah polygamy label on you. You seem pretty impossible, improbable, and more chanceless compared to other Drapers. I know you've beat me with love in a couple of ways a few times and it's still a little tormenting for you to lead me on in your improbabilities. I seriously think you're nice Travis. I would hope that some savage barbaric judgment of yours is something you don't take seriously, believe in, or think you have me beat with. I think I get where it is you want to go in your barbarianism and it isn't that you use it in the worst way when you do seduce me. You leave me with a paranoia that I could have some knives in my back. You could be wanting to rob me like David and wanting to make a distorted look out of me: I'm not living in my real truth. Besides only time knowing something; I don't have much else to say in my drama. I don't know what else to say right now. I wonder for more of your info but I don't know what to say to you. It's not always the same exact repeat but I don't think we're going anywhere. ..... There is more I could say, but it's mostly silence from me. ...

Is there more than the burn?

Last night came as a surprise to me. I thought you were mostly fading, but it's not over with you. What my main guesses with you are: You are raging horny for me because of: recent provocations; sexual jealousy of wanting to be my master; you wanting to use any and all (even in some unfair ways) of my sexual "transgressions" to condemn me to your sexual lust. It is one excuse of yours. I loudly hear "you know you are a horny perv bitch!" I still claim myself as Jack's slave if I'm going to be any man's slave. It is clear to me that there are some ways I can't save myself from you, and while you have recognized my Pamela, you should also recognize how much I believe in mind over matter. I have some truths about me that won't be stopped. I may not always mean to provoke you or make you burn the way you burn. You shouldn't use my job as a stripper too much against me. I know the other things you want to use... I don't know what else to say to you Travis... I don't know if you mean to make a sexual fling of me, or if you seriously want me to be whatever numbereth of a wife? You want to use my breaking heart against me to force into a baby mama to blackmail into another wife? What are your real intentions Travis? What are you out to do? Are you just over taken by the way I make you burn, or are you out for something else? Talk to me. Is it that your marriage has gone bad? Did your wife become a lesbian? Are you fixated on being primarily taken by me, or am I a burning fling? Travis, what is going on with you? You should tell me more about yourself.

Happy and Sad

My trip has been good thus far. I slept like a baby last night. .... I wish I could have done more today, but the shopping will go for tomorrow while I spend for the party night. The bands I saw at Third Records weren't bad. I think they were a little on the hardcore side for my rock taste but not too bad. I never got to meet Jack White :( I might have seen him upstairs in the sound room, but I never got to personally meet him. Odds are, if I don't meet him at his own record store, I probably won't meet him anywhere else. I'm a little upset. Maybe I did pluck some of his cords with his recent posted song with "City Lights," but I'm not sure about the odds of that either. I'm going to go out and have some fun anyway. There seriously is a restaurant here called "Jack Lives Here," that I will go to on purpose later. I know I've been against structures, codes, and code talking, but sometimes I seriously don't mind the shits and giggles of it all. I sometimes get bothered to this day with over assumptive code talkers but it isn't as bad as it used to be. .... I've listened more to both of my new cds and I'm glad that I can like both of them. "Three Women," was such a cannon blast against my trip, but I still have my sign with the Dead Weather. For the sake of not feeling ignored and for the sake of monogamy and traditional wedding vows. lol Some people have no idea with just how much my will to be in peace of my personal will to live is fucked with and out to be destroyed. "Three Women," was such a terrible song to have run into. Yes Jack, shame on you and you have no right. Lordy Lordy Lord. As long as I'm included anyway. If I weren't included, its whatever they would ACTUALLY let you get away with..... Nashville is such a fun place. I wish I could have gotten out more around Nashville while here, but so little time and so much to have done. I have tomorrow left and I plan on mostly shopping then. Not sure if I'll be arriving at the airport drunk or not, but I plan to finish with more time well spent.

For the sake of time and my 2 cents: Californication

Before I get into my 2 cents of what I think about "Californication," I plan on staying on top of "As the Sarah Turns." Things have still gone sour with David and I. I want it to stay done and I don't want him to play anymore of his games with me. Whatever he noticed me for, and why ever he would go for me knowing the things he should have known?... It's not worth it to wonder about anymore. It isn't that I could completely reduce him to nothing; he should have been smarter with his own bullshit. Besides his sexuality he still has some personal appeal, but enough isn't enough for me to be able to care. .............. My 2 cents of Californication.. I didn't like the character of Hank at all. He's a lot like Charlie Sheen in 2 and a half men, but with a more severe bad boy rating. He makes Charlie Sheen look like, I don't know, someone more innocent. This is why I would assume that David and Charlie really do have a sad share.... In the beginning of the series, one of the biggest ordeals was "Fucking and Punching," and lasted until the half of all of the seasons. While it was a one time one night stand, and especially after finding out about Mia's real age, what was he thinking when he wrote the novel to begin with? Although she intelligently wrecked the book and the success of the book, how could Hank overlook the serious action that it was in writing the book? This isn't a short story, it is a novel, and a novel that he wanted to publish. How much of a lead on to her was that? How much of his own trap and blackmail was it too? It was a Stockholm in its own right. It was her own sanity to have wanted to take it for her own and want to stay in control. While so many people only noticed the fact that they never had sex again, it seemed most failed to notice how big of an action it was for him to have written the novel and want to publish it. ... Duchovny really does mention in some of his interviews how much he hated "Hank," but what was the real reality of Hank? While he supposedly had an affair with one woman during the time he was officially married, and also identified as a sex addict, how far did David really go in his sex addiction? Is it anything that would ever go away? In so many media messages of past; he really seems to be his own full-fledged "Hank." While David and Hank both seem opinionated in their own right, they're pretty dominate with their opinions and wanting to prove something. I think they're both an emotional disgust who have a sick excuse to act like they care. He is so emotionally insensitive and disrespectful and just doesn't think. Most men do seem to be very egotistical where it has always mattered more to sleep around and "live the life," than to keep their dick in their pants and learn self control. He always did a very poor job in wanting to prove to Karen his love and how serious he was for her. I feel I could have joined their pity party at one time, but I'm not going to go there in wanting to identify. I don't want to identify with Adlon either and feel I cold have been made up for whatever reason. Maybe I was made up just so Jon Stewart could be made fun of in the end for all the times he ripped on me. They made me look like a fellow fascist who still never proved my real points. But if I was being thrown on their bandwagon; who, what, when, where, why would he pick me up and put me on? I'm still not liking the idea of making it look like John A. and I were in a relationship like that either. ..... I almost believed that when David ended his short joy ride with his band and came back to Karen, they would have been more official. He never knew what it meant to wait on her. He never understood that he was still cheating on her anyway. He makes a major choice and doesn't know how to be in it for the long haul. Maybe Karen wouldn't have immediately taken him back when he first knocks on her door, but if he would have stayed persistent, a little bit of a beggar, and a little more emotionally attentive, she might have eventually warmed up to him. I think her embarrassment is the same as mine: there was no mature relationship about it. She says "no" or something doesn't go his way, and then he goes running around looking for whatever easier woman he could find or was available. There was no trying, waiting, or commitment on his end. Like a lot of egotistical men, he seemed to try too hard that he was never going to be pussy whipped for any woman, just a manwhore: he'll fuck whoever he wants, whenever he wants. He was a typical man who tries to be "free" while wanting to act like he is serious about someone the same time. Some people aren't smart enough to try to have a real point to prove. Hank was always going to set himself up to fuck or get fucked in one way or another. Hank was always his own harder worked self enabler. There was no avoidance. There was no thinking that: this could be a situation where one thing could lead to another." The heartlessness was what was "right" for him. Even when it was consensually casual, there was always someone else he could have wanted to be more serious with, or have personally cared for. He always had THE WORST "Fuck any and all consequences," outlook. So, I have a little rant. Some 2 cents in my personal experiences with some men sometimes and my final thoughts and observations of the show......

I wish I could NOW

I jumped into some travel research but then my bubble burst: My mother coincidentally mentioned that on Sat thru Tue (the day I had planned tue or wed) they are going to be going out of town. Those same 4 days. I don't have a babysitter for Mitzi. I'm sure there could be a few different people who could watch her a few different hours but I have no one that I know who could watch her for 4 days. I can be spontaneous, but not always spontaneous like that. I hope you don't hold it against me too much. I still plan on coming to Nashville for a few days. If you're in a rush and on edge, I may be able to mid August sometime. I can definitely push the schedule up. ..... While haven't completing all my homework; I have done a little. I know Allison literally wrote some songs. While she didn't write scripture for scripture of the bible, I know great minds can think alike with worse or better. (I bet she somehow did get some cues or phrases off me). What a big history she has. While a lesbian label could be put on me for being attracted to her identity; it really is like saying: "What nice shoes you have Allison. What nice albums you have with the Dead Weather." Sara Barellis was one I just had to laugh at and with the most. "Buy my car sticker and poster." I especially disowned her at a later time with some songs and identity traits. There has been a certain egocentrism that gets forced into me at times that are coming and going. It scares me with the way I don't understand how it works, where it comes from, why, and how it seems I could matter so much with the people in a big way. With you, I know there is still a story there that could be answered. I know you're in my head and around some. While I could go on some guesses and hunches with who your present love interests are, I would guess Allison would be one of them. I'm glad I can acknowledge you have some kind of crush or thing for me. I discovered that both of your exes have never remarried. Allison is a single one too. While there can be noticeable things; the stress and paranoia of all your other women could ruin a moment or however many brief moments. I don't want to ruin it too much yet. I think some people can sometimes care too much about all of the things to stress over when they should stop and smell the roses more. While being naïve can kill; I think skepticism can kill too. When a person has no choice to be confidently and intelligently skeptical, they just do. I sometimes run in my own opinionated tangents, but I hope you don't mind my conversations and ramblings too much. ...I'm not sure where Icarus is going. I never planned on answering to "Maleficent." Even though it is Angelina Jolie, I didn't like the way I could have been identified with her. Someone is out to trash my maternal name in a mean and far fetched way with Mitzi. Sure I wouldn't mind you being a lifelong friend or more, but that was some pretty terrible trash talk too in regards to my maternity. "This was done on purpose as punishment for blogging in my most severe skepticism of the world." shaking my head. ... I'm sorry I can't see you so soon Jack. I got my own hopes to go out on a spur like that, but I'm just not going to be able to. Until then, goodnight Jack. xo

Not a Whole Lot Going on Really

Well~ Well Jack, someone I thought was a senator of yours continues to give himself too much credit and credit to a she devil who has no credit with me at all. (Koala Bear reference). It was mostly David that I was keeping stared down with Denzel when I was staring at you and him both. I felt a kill the most from him at a time. David is way too shady and unfair. He lies too much. Josh Myron is giving himself a lot of credit off you too. He was most ready to be too vain and take me for what I'm worth with: "I'm not the one letting go." I'm not too surprised with the ones who have already let me down. You yourself, are still shady in some ways. I think I could trust you with the truth more than David at this point. The nerve of Paris and that dude to keep testing me like that after I get angry like that. I hate when people immaturely seek to torment like that. They're not the first people who have tested me or been in denial. He had a slight chance, but I'm not into threesomes or being bisexual either. It's been awhile since I've talked to you. You mostly ran me off one day when you were coaxing me into "sucking it" more for you. It is a situation that you shouldn't have toyed with me with. Even if you were joking; I don't think being told to "suck it," is funny at all. Even when figuratively speaking. If you really wanted, you could count this blog as figuratively sucking it, but I am leisurely coming to you rather than being told. .... David has backed off and left me alone and lonelier in another case some, but I would think he still has a serious and threatening possessiveness of me. Speaking of being lonely, I have a feeling I could be getting isolated and lonely in the worst way soon, and it isn't going to be the only instance I've out survived. Sometimes some isolation can get pretty harsh. I thought I'd have a final say and breath before I had to hold my breath again. ....... I hope you are well Jack.

Sissy Boy Victim

David, I really don't understand why you're staying my clinger. Whatever is going on in David Cameron's arbitrage; I don't even pay attention to. Whichever way I should take "Brexit," I'm sick of the boob obsession and how it has always seemed like the main subject of anything. This is another reason you are the reason of a dumb relationship. You're still too vain and dense to have any comprehension what your death threat against me for Stacy is to me. I'm not taking back my remarks against your's or Stacy's Scottish rites. Who were you ever trying to kid in thinking you could take me on with her? Whatever victim game you want to keep playing where you keep competing to be the bigger victim is not going to work for you in this lifetime. You're a sick predator in disguise as a sissy boy who doesn't want to stop beating me into submission in the worst way. You're your own major turnoff and you should have tried to come up with another strategy by now if you seriously did want to keep me. If you hadn't already majorly fucked up with me; you should have known that you could have me. So far, the only informational homework I have done was you on the today show and the late late show. Whatever share I'm supposed to have with Gillian?! How many times do I have to tell you open relationships won't work with me? Why do you still have the nerve to be my clinger? I can only keep waiting you out.

Not done screaming

I may be increasing my bravery against you in the next few months as long as everything stays the same. Good signs and bad signs but I'm not satisfied enough yet. I've been freaked out over urban dictionary for awhile. It looks like it could be your creeper there wanting to give me some relief, but it still is not a good thing that you could have been the one who has been giving me the creepy messages all along. So, you, or someone looking out for you, is stating that Paris is a talker and bull shitter full of herself, but I'm not entirely convinced of that. I think you probably did have a thing going on with her and I'm pretty mad because I think you're lying to my face. What were all of the other messages on msn? What were her sim men trying to say? Even though one was dogging her a little in public, guess WHO HE DID GIVE MOST OF HIS COMPANY TO. What part of "the company you keep" didn't you understand? While it looks like Jessica wrote another article (I'm guessing it is Lopez) and while it is worded with "Getty" I didn't like any of those inuendos either. It looks like you could be having the worst white trash "I don't care" attitude against me where you could be trying to further provoke me with whatever several lesbians as me being eye candy for you and her. Jessica could be full of her shit but if you want to disrespect and disown me that violently with your Hank Moody, than you have another thing coming for you. ...... Ebay messages. I didn't like this sign either. It seems to me that it is another pussy footed and watered down comment to "give myself some credit" It's like you wish I would drop my weapon on keeping other's credit denied. It's like any credit could be taken seriously at anytime with not just me but anybody. You're the most carefree polygamist that's too careless to understand anything. Incase you havn't noticed the many different ways I am very complicated in structured socializing. Anything can be made to be believed. Talk is cheap. I did see more wedding pics where we could be getting senatored with each other, and it looks like it is mostly us. I'm still not done screaming. The first picture with Eva Longoria was a little questionable. It looked like it could have been you or Jack, but I'm not sure if there was a strong senatoring there. While it would never be fair for me to be possessive with Jack knowing I've been sticking it out with you, he is still in some trouble with me. I can't let him win yet either. Steve Carrell? I have no idea what his random throwing himself on me is either if that was supposed to be Steve in another article. Denzel is still around keeping an eye on me and I'm glad I have his attention a little. Maybe you do feel manipulated by his presence BUT DON'T YOU DARE PUT YOUR RAPE ON ME IF YOU INTENTIONALLY LIE FOR YOURSELF AND ARE SERIOUSLY NOT INNOCENT. YOU ARE MORE SAFE TO TELL THE TRUTH THAN LIE AND MAKE IT LOOK LIKE I'M THE ONE WHO IS BEING THE RAPIST. Last media issue: WTF IS THE HEALTH AND FITNESS TRYING TO SAY ON MSN? Are you mad that I never kept your suck it of me a secret? Are you meaning to continue to challenge me with someone else's seduction? Are you mad at my 50 shades of grey and the way that I keep myself too innocent and clean for you to be vindictive? How dare I not do things your way to give into your ongoing cheating game or give you an excuse to slap me around? DO YOU WANT TO BLACKMAIL ME AS BEING INSECURE BECAUSE I WON'T PLAY THE GAME OR COMPETE AGAINST PARIS FOR YOU? AM I TOO INSECURE IN MY SMALL BOOBS? OR IS IT THAT I ALREADY OBVIOUSLY HAVE MY OWN DEAD GIVE AWAY OF SELF RESPECT AND DIGNITY THAT YOU WANT TO DENY OR RAPE ME OUT OF BECAUSE YOU WANT TO ALWAYS MAKE ME THE UNDERDOG OR BENEATH YOU IN SOME WAY, ONE WAY OR ANOTHER? It said you had throat cancer either way. I know you sucking it for me is not a lie. It is to your punishment for keeping me played and keeping me raped and forced into an orgasm. David, you really need to care for once about clearing up your truth more. While some men or random people could have their clocks ticking for me, I have my own personal clock where I will time out and get braver against you. I can only wait on you for so long.

But But But: Cut off

what pft huh Ok, I'm smacked around and just need to shut the fuck up. Oh David, you're forcing me to have some kind of hope in you. After watching some of Californication and having an idea to your real life, life history, it is hard to believe that you would have such a serious lust for me. I really could take it as a major compliment, but it isn't that I'm flattering your Californication lifestyle or your bisexual lifestyle either. I'm still afraid to know some things. Maybe you have a seriously good guy in you that you really want to prove, but I brace myself when it comes to discovering you more and the questionable number of people you have recent cheats with. There is a lot of things that don't make a lot of sense to me, and I feel like we're strangers in a lot of ways, but I have no other choice than to mostly just shut up. Do I want to ruin our time in the clouds with more questions about the reality of Californication, my skepticism, or reminders of cheats? Oh David, what even to believe about half of the arbitrage I see of yours and the ways that it doesn't always add up or make sense? While I look at you as the mean, hateful, and predatory fascist, its like you want to scream for your innocence with "Hang on Sloopy." What to really believe about that one? While it is a good sign of a song in some ways, the last time I heard it was from Rahm, who is a man that I know is more gay than straight, and a mean womanizer as well. I have to choose to not put too much bias to the song after it came from Rahm the first time..... I'll just have to be your doll baby for now David. I'm going to have to have some kind of hope and faith in you and it hurts to be forced to make that choice with likely odds that you would let me down again. The thought of being set up for another heartbreak can be terrifying. I'll have to be interrupted and stay your baby doll until you find a way to connect to me and make me believe more about you, where you came from, and what your objectives are.

As the Sarah Turns: On being Dickwhipped

David, "Georgia on my mind," was a friendly and romantic gesture. (Then there's another philanderer, Ray Charles)... What a quick and big win you give yourself with this one: http://www.msn.com/en-us/lifestyle/family-relationships/10-things-that-actually-turn-men-off/ss-BBslxbg ..... Maybe you could be pussy whipped for me in the most backwards way and wouldn't it be funny of me to take it too far as if it was you being more pussy whipped where you don't mean to insult me in another kind of way. haha. While I'm more focused on my own main focus of drama, I'll finish this trail off... Maybe dressing up and putting a lot of makeup on is too much for you. Maybe you like just the polished look and just that. lol. My work clothes must really do it for you. lol. What I wear to my other job is what I wear to my other job and I usually do wear the extra makeup for my own stripper sake. I like to look and feel like the stripper I am while being a stripper. I guess it could be a relief to you in some ways where you wouldn't have to be jealous or worry too much over other men. As for the other demands, I'm not going to remember them all. When I yell and throw my fits; I just do. And, usually when I yell and throw my fits, I'm not caring too much in being a turn off to you. When I can't win the way I want to win, I would mean to run you off. And Speaking of my focused drama........... "Georgia," was a nice gesture David, but it's not enough to make me your fool. I am your submissive and in being submissive, the dickwhipped expectations of love are not always the same or synonymous in being submissive. I'm still pretty angry, and you know what I really think during the times I give into you in masterbating when I'm not just in a submissive time but a violently care free time? 'I know I'm not winning. Tomorrow or the next 5 minutes, he's going to be playing, mind fucking, or actually fucking another woman. I am another used victim. A monogamous relationship is on my mind, and I am not ever going to be convinced of monogamy. I'm not over your terrible and sexually harassing foul mouthed comments. I'm not over your other love affairs. Your bad boy impression is still there and you are not the type of man whose love or relationship I could ever take seriously. I'm another pawn or playmate. I'm still here though in some way because I really can't take or stand your abuse and violence. If I were to cheat on you; I'd see it as dangerous and I'd only have a cheapshot of running away from you when going out and picking some random dude. I don't have enough jet power. I may eventually give into getting some anger out of my system if I CAN'T TAKE MY OWN RED anymore. And then, I'll just have to take another beating. I think my biggest and BEST rip on you yet is that YOU ARE THE REASON TO YOUR PROBLEM AND DRUG PROBLEM. Yay for me for making serious effort in wanting to be little miss perfect and little miss poster child BECAUSE I DON'T LIKE TO FUCK UP OR BE A FUCK UP. Yay my Canadian. I like myself AND IT IS YOUR PROBLEM IF YOU DON'T WANT TO ACCEPT ME OR MY BODY FOR WHO I AM. YOU ASSHOLE. You do seem to be a pretty serious fascist and are associated with rapacious fascist men: Jim and Jon especially. Jet power for little miss perfect. until then, I really don't know what.

WHATEVER YOU WERE EVER TRYING TO PROVE

hmmmm. I don't know who your other mystery fucked bitch too is, and I'm not surprised at this point. You've already been past the red in keeping me pissed off and past the red of being a cheater and a pig. You're definitely a dumb soap (I don't know why you were never hired for the dumb drama) who's drama keeps me mostly in the red. It just isn't fair WHEN YOU'RE THE ONE WHO GETS VIOLENT ON ME AFTER BEING SUCH A PIG. There are 3 guesses now: Express model, Erin Andrews, or Erin Wyer. Awe, you got another woman to cry over you. While I have nothing on the Express model AND SERIOUSLY DON'T CARE TO MAKE A BISEXUAL AFFAIR OF IT, I WILL KEEP YOU STARED AT IN A DEADLY WAY WITH EITHER ANDREWS OR WYER WITH MY DJANGO EYES. I DARE YOU TO KEEP STOCKHOLMING ME WHILE HAVING EITHER OF THOSE AROUND. It wasn't ok with any of your other women either. You've been in trouble with me and you only keep getting into it deeper. Maybe this is the opportunity FOR YOU TO GET OVER ME ONCE AND FOR ALL AND COMPLETELY FUCK OFF WITH YOUR GANG RAPISTS AND GANG RAPE. Erin is just as bad as Stacy and Bree Ann AND I HOPE ERIN DOES GET FORCED TO SUCK IT IN THE WORST WAY TO MY FACE TO YOUR FACE TOO WITH WHATEVER THE FUCK RIGHTS ANY OF THEM EVER THOUGHT THEY HAD TO BEGIN WITH. You are a DUMB MAN DAVID. WHATEVER YOU WERE EVER TRYING TO PROVE.

You're the Boss

Overkilled and torn to pieces. .... I know you're giving me a hint to a jealous episode of yours. I seriously don't think you need any more revenge or wrath. That was a big overkill. If we are done; we are done. I find it to be very disturbing that you would want to keep me "challenged" with Rob Lowe. You really think I would ever beg or compete with that juggernaut? I'm upset that the worst was brought out in you in your own juggernaut overkill... While I won't go into a lengthy competitive detail with who was being more of a bad guy around the time that I had all those VIPs in one night with that Jersey dude; I'm pretty sure you were the one who was cheating on me hard with Gillian at the time. I also took the Jersey dude as someone who could resemble you some, but I didn't think too much over credibility of the issue. I know my grinding truth for what it was and won't go into more detail with the way I was partially making out with him. I never chased him or pursued him to want to be in a relationship with him. ........... Your overkill is too much for me. If we're done, I'm still walking away and waiting for the rest of the relationship to die off. I'm not meaning to work on us too much. I have my own way of making my communications clear. Before I was reminded of the hint of a small cheat, I was going to say something along of the lines: that's what I get for being the sexually jealous and straight type. I think it was too much of an overkill. Your juggernaut approach and recent persistent other threat with Rob Lowe is another severe low blow, and couldn't make me want to do anything other than waiting for the relationship to die off. ...slave slave slave: "that's what I get...," was what I was going to say along those lines yesterday. ... I'm mostly in a continued listlessness. It looks like they (whoever they is today) wants to make Jon your scapegoat. Maybe it was Jon who intentionally led you on to me to keep me gang raped because he knows you're the murderous juggernaut type. It could have been just your jealousy, but you have such a violent wrath in your jealousy and you disgust me to be such an Ike Turner juggernaut like that. I don't know if you have seen those "comedy style" videos of "The JUggarnaut" who is a full fledged abusing and womanizing chauvinist, but they are out there somewhere. I haven't recently looked them up. I know I'm not completely "set free," and know you're still here and around. You seem to be indecisive in being done with the relationship or not. As a captive or slave, I am your captive. You are the boss. I can only wait you out. ......If I were to give myself more of an opinionated voice, I've always seen cheating relationships in their own ruin. I really like the O.A.R. song "hold on true." I think cheating is the devil and ruin in so many ways, yet it is such a common and normalized problem amongst many couples and the issue is overlooked. The thought of having trust in the relationship is such a foiled, trashed, and ruined value that is next to impossible to obtain. It is a big deal to want to be with someone you could trust. I've never wanted to be the doormat or desperate for a man I feel I could never trust. While some women do seriously lower their standard and bar to not care and to remain desperate anyway, I have never been a self-willed and choosing to be that way woman. Modern day relationships are terrible and have yet to be more reasonable, more trusting, and better. With some extreme and vindictive men: "it is what I get" to have been a slut or in becoming a stripper. I'm not denying your vindictiveness, but I know I know better against cheating relationships. And you should especially know that I know you're not clean and innocent. ....... You're the boss, I can only wait you out.

shaking my head

Who's my daddy? Everything is really just all fun and games and there is no harm intended from you in this instance. Ok, I will have to buy the face value statement. ... I'm still not liking the look of things overall. While there is still a lot of negative things and my pessimism, you seem to want to have another fresh approach. ... Do you really feel I have swept you off your feet? Maybe a lot of it is you don't like the fighting and lack of peacefulness either, but reliving the same nightmare and same story isn't going to make things better. It isn't that I want to intentionally cheat and bomb you in a patterned way on my end. I still don't see myself as the number 1 bad man between the both of us. How much of a Hank Moody would you personally consider yourself? I think Pamela is a likeable character and without meaning to trash talk her; I would be suspicious that you and her probably have had a thing going on and could even be presently have something going on. While you may want to come off in a friendly and peaceful way; I really think this could be another trick rolled up your sleeve with your intention to lead me on to hurt me. You know I like Lenny. You've grown to become a gamester terrorist and I am bothered by the way you want to sucker me in to hurt me and just don't want to drop it and leave me alone. It could be that I'm too pessimistic, but you've already given me a lot of reasons as to why I should be more of a pessimist. When there are a lot of negative things that have already gone on and keep going on and my pessimism is still there, it is hard to fuel a fire to a relationship. I want to love and feel loved and return and know that you would want my love, but some cat and mouse games don't always match the criteria. I can't stand the heartache in the cat and mouse game. I'm probably not the only puppy (who is still not entirely a puppy) you have come across, and you probably have other women you still want to play me with. I feel damaged and will probably feel more damaged if I were to sucker myself in and stay. I'm around and here in my own way, but I don't have the strength or emotional want to get my hopes up. I just don't want to get my hopes up and throw myself back in your game. It's painful and I think you're asking too much in wanting me to be your fool. I'm around and here in some ways but I am keeping my stance that I have given up on you. I'm not going to be looking around for other options of men for awhile; you know I refuse to be a lesbian.

So frustrated

Looks like you are going gay on me and what does it matter any more anyway? I'm not ever going to give you the benefit of the doubt again. If you're not a wolf in sheep's clothing one way, you are in another. You have a lot of mixed signals from either being too dense or intentionally sadistic. I'm not ever going to get my hopes up for you again or believe you would ever seriously want me again. You really didn't come off as bad as Jon and I did have a difficult time to comparing you as the same. I know you both wish the day would come where I would feel my violence, anger, and hate was ridiculous. THAT DAY WILL NEVER COME. Besides the way you drive me away, you drive me away that much harder the more you try to change my emotions. Maybe it is out of revenge because I am out to make some ridiculous tyrants feel like the ridiculous tyrants they are, or maybe you guys are just being a shameless pig for me being daring to reject your values or people of value you have. I have serious enemies and also hate the open relationship lifestyle. YES IT IS CHILDISH FOR YOU TO KEEP IGNORING ME IN THE WORST WAY AND CONTINUING TO TEST OR THREATEN ME WITH MORE BETRAYAL THE WAY YOU DO. A bias where the flame is being further fed: the wealthier the man, the more apt they are to have that dense of a vanity. A denial of WTF tyranny or How the fuck could you deny and refuse to embrace my tyranny? Vain dense men. SO DENSE. So controlling and sadistic and it isn't always easy in trying to figure a man out in either a general or emotional sense............. The emotional and social relief that I never had... I can never get what I want in the worst way. I'm either too lied about or too hated and tormented. It looks like it could have been Tom Cruise who had the Tom Foolery on ebay. Still, it doesn't change the fact of your cheats and tests with other women. I hate Tom's mean stalker. It was the fact that I had to raise my voice that violently with Medvedev and using him as my own further proof, that I'll never want Tom again. I'll never want any man that wants me to get a boob job or makes me scream like that. While you seem to have took it back some; I'm not convinced that you take it back much; and the rest of our story is still in too much of a disaster. You want to kiss my neck and not slit it. I'm too smart to take you in the worst way as if you want to commit suicide because of my will to murder you. I don't want to be forced to fight like that to be loved and accepted; I just want to be loved and accepted. I'm not sure what all of the freakish visuals on msn were trying to say today. I don't always understand signs or what the signs are trying to say. I need more of a breast reduction for man boobs? I need implants? The obsession over my breasts was so long ago and people still sickly obsess over them to this day. Dense pigs........ David, I'm not going to have any more hopes in you. If I did have hope and we had a normal relationship; I honestly think finding out anymore about you will do me more harm than good. I think if we had a future, it would be dark and miserable. I don't want to know any more about you and I don't want to be stuck with you or forced to settle with you.

Mad Men: One of the Biggest Interruptions

I have finally finished off the final season of Mad Men. The previous season was supposedly the last, but the producers had made another second ending. When it comes around to the story line, the second ending was so dramatic. ....So what is up with "Mad Men," and the feeling that I get when I get stared back at with "Do not judge lest you be judged"....... Some people really do get into their own self righteous contests and competitions. While I usually do have resistance with self righteous contests and competitions; I have to terribly say I have the most difficult time with my resistance of the competition when it comes to THE THESIS of Mad Men. What has happened in my life has already happened. Time cannot be taken back; corrupt acts cannot be taken back; a real and honest resume cannot be changed. While people can be manipulative, hypocritical, judgmental, and judgmentally unfair with the issues of money; a lot of my issues have to do with the issues of control. I have always been against socialism and the ways authorities want to control, manipulate, and blackmail people with in the workplace. Authorities go way beyond the boundaries of appropriateness and relevantness. Words cannot describe how inappropriately and violently violated in the workplace and in school that I have felt. It is such a disgust and jaw dropper to have understood the way some people would feel they deserve to have control and be right in whatever grotesque right/rite they feel they deserve to have. I couldn't always see where something was coming from or what the terrible totalitarian gossip judgment was. A lot of the interruption revolved right back around Mad Med; and money makes the world go round. It was so disappointing in being forced to understand the rites people felt they deserved to have depending on their wallet size. Buy yourself a name; buy yourself a rite; buy your sense of godship. The characters in Mad Men were of course, not in the same depiction as some of the monsters that I've had to put up with in the real world: while in school, arbitraged jobs, or other structured places where controlling mechanisms and symbols in the social world are. Jon Stewart is the more obvious exception to that statement where he is that much of a monster and more in the real world. I will be forever disturbed and left in some of the most raging anger because of his judgemental and sabotaging terrorist, and juggarnaut monster of a man. The date rape with a slave in the basement KING. I've already had enough of my own rants against Jon, and he can't change the choices he has made through his history along with Don either. While Jon was one of the biggest reasons of connections through the TV series; I acknowledge Don Draper as his own symbol that other men can be tagged with from time to time. I did laugh at his "om" in the end and didn't like the hippie ending to it. While he wanted to make and show a changed man of himself; I thought it was a terrible ending. I know Bree Ann is just one person (with the Coca Cola symbol and label) BUT DID THEY REALLY TRY TO CANDY COAT AND DENY THE TRUTH OF THEIR TYRANNY AND TOTALITARIANISM? DID THEY REALLY TRY TO ERASE THE REAL MARKS IN HISTORY THAT WERE ALREADY THERE AND INSTEAD LOOK AS IF "WE'RE NOTHING BUT A BUNCH OF PEACEFUL HIPPIES WHO HAVE NEVER DONE ANY HARM" ???? Detesting. I know Jon has never and will never own up to anything. It's just all peaches and cream now Don Drapers, it's all hunky dory.

Sarah the Cheetah

ahahahhahaahaha ........ I'm a little lost and not sure what to believe about anything. If anything, ~he~ IS a mouse. I was a little bummed earlier that he was closed and blocked off. I was shy anyway... I bet that HE IS THE MARRIED ONE. :( I did take note that his ring was on his right finger and not his left.... I still don't know how to make sense of a lot of it. It all depends on him, his interests, his aggression, and his own will to be daring. If this is just a crazy crush on my end, I'm upset that it would be a little more awkward at this point. Or, does the "death," mean, that I will never cheat again? Are you making up your script of me? I will never cheat on you again. I'll just nod and agree and possibly nod off and get lost again if you persist in your mousy ways and leave me hanging too much. How much are you going to pick up the receiver and make a believer out of me? I used to dance to that song all the time when I first started dancing, and it is still one of my most favorite dance songs that I dance to every now and then. "Personal Jesus," Depeche Mode ;) wink wink