today's thoughts

Some days of poverty are more grueling than others. Today is one of those days. I go and pick out a magazine and am reminded of the chaos I live in. I'm poor. I'm grueling, painfully poor and to purchase a magazine reminds me of my inability and scant chances of getting out or going anywhere. The materialism in the magazine is going to be even more painful. But, maybe it will give me some ideas anyway.
I did some job hunting. I don't know how its going to work out but hopefully I will eventually get a job.
I think Rubicon is coming after me. I'm mad already at his cheap accusation of the way I am labeled. Yes, I threw a fit last week but he obviously was not really listening to what I said: If there was a term that had no racial connection, I would use it. Sometimes, I feel I have to violently use language to get a point across and hopefully get through to some arrogant and ignorant people who have no clue. I know the world doesn't revolve around me. I've even made a Planet of the Apes comparison. I've heard racial terms before, but not all comparisons are meant to be racist. Heck, I've even used the Truman Show, The Wicker Man, The Panic Room, and several other movies to try to describe how I sometimes feel. He takes Planet of the Apes too personally and out of context with racism.

As the Sarah Turns: I'm seeing a few signs and am happy at a little emotional relief and am in a silent time where I have not made up my mind to build on to my hopes or find ways to guard or fight if I have to. It looks like the motive of his move is done out of his own guarding and wish for safety over me. I don't think the whole world knows my identity and that I may be definitely out in the open but I get confused sometimes in underground or catty networking that I have a hard time coming to a conclusion with. It is obvious but is it honest or promised?
I also don't know what to do next. I talked about being out of reach yesterday and while all possibilities may not be from hell maybe there is some good motive in it in my favor but I hate the out of reachness and feeling some subjectification by not being able to know what may be going on or be able to take any kind of action.

In other thoughts, I see some other guys where I feel I don't know enough to have some kind of say for them. I feel chased in a way, but I just don't know them enough. It feels too rushed. I feel demanded to be decisive where I don't have enough info to make a decision. Maybe some people think everything is B.S. and think to themselves: "what in the world is in a decision?" "there is no such thing as making decisions because its all b.s. and people do what they want whenever they want anyway."
I can say that sometimes, I can change my mind. I think its human to do so. I can say I have the potential to be disappointing. I can even own up to being shady or indecisive. Sometimes, my mind is made up. Other times, it literally takes time. Some choices vary in extent whether or not it is related to other people. But I am talking people in this situation. And right now, time is the major point. How people are going to be or what they are seeking is another point. What I want to make of things, how I'm going to be, and what I'm seeking is another point. Details. Having an idea.

Getting ready to take a hike..............................