Number of thoughts

Today, I am recieving some kind of positive satisfaction or appreciation......

It is nice to hear but it doesn't change much of anything.

Where do I begin?

I want men to know I really care about being in a relationship. I really do. I think some men get the wrong impression when I don't get aggressive or don't fight, than that means that I don't care.
In the financial realm, when it comes to arguing and bickering over it, I've already had my bitchfests, rants, cries for help, and continue to say I do not blame myself. Ok, I can share a tad blame, but with how things have actually worked out, I do not blame myself entirely in struggles to survive. I think if anything, while I may not clearly see some agenda's, no more satisfaction is deserved over financial matters. I think guys and females with their own selfish motives are being pigs right now and nobody deserves any satisfaction over it. I think there are a lot of sadistic actions, torments, and strategies to keep me poor and rub in that I'm poor for lists of reasons that my enemies and haters have.
I do not blame myself for my financial circumstances. So, I've already said enough on the matter. Too proud to beg and too dumb to steal. In this instance, once again, while men or maybe just one particular man may be demanding of me to blame myself and be the one to crawl, it really is his own personal choice: should he stay or should he go? It is his choice where he wants to go from here. I already feel I've been dessert dry out of luck and if anyone seriously wanted to get anywhere with me, a new fresh person who is willing to literally work with me in finding and keeping a job minus corruption and irrational socialism and capitalism, than that would be the most trustworthy route. But as for the relationship where it should not be enmeshed in a work environment, I still care about being in a relationship. It still matters to me whether or not I get rejected and abandoned for being poor. It matters to me but it does not kill me. I've been single for a long time, I can be stuck being single for a long time. It sucks being single and it sucks to have to wait, but I will continue to try to survive in anyway I can.

I've been thinking of politics a little more. I remember I wrote a lot of essays in college and while I wonder about so many issues and accusations over general matters that isn't always taken with arrogance, I wonder if rather than people personally asking me, I'm being held accountable for some essays or blogs that I wrote a long time ago that may be taken out of context or irrationally taken to the extreme and as a serious decision where it was meant to be an essay or brainstorm or thought where action was never meant to be taken.......

I can't always see who is talking to me. Was it worth it to go to college? My college experience was not the best. I have a lot of resentment and grudges over the lack of control I had and how things went in a number of issues while I was there. I think I get away from my parents and home and seem to feel like I run into more people who want to belittle me and tell me how to live my life. The college experience was not entirely bad. There were some fun times. Had I not been so depressed at how some things went, I wish I would have tried harder and invested more time in having more friends and more solid friendships. I spent a lot of time on my own although I was not always alone at that school and still have things that I do not understand to this day. It was fun to go so far away and be an explorer and discoverer on my own. I like that I can say I independently went out on my own way far out of town and stuck it out and earned my degree. I do have some things I can be proud of although I don't have an official title or higher degree or official fame.

Right now, I'm bothered that some people do not entirely get me. I'm in hoarding mode. While some secrets or dreams may be shared, it does not mean I'm an entire sell out. I'm still protective of myself. I still have dreams and wishes of what lies in my future. There are things I think and know to myself that I just don't feel comfortable sharing in either some situations or blogs. It just doesn't feel comfortable or right. I guess unless on days, Elijah Wood wears his: "make yourself difficult," shirt. .................................