Lots of thoughts

Before I start with my soap opera, I'll focus on other things. Business. I know it is unreasonable to think I could have a steady income off of my craft business but I am so upset that I never made bank this weekend. It rained both days and I had to leave early. It even cost money to set up where I didn't make anything at all. At least I am getting myself out there. It just sucks that I'm having such a crappy start up. I still have to deal with matrix men even at festival events. It is inescapable no matter where I go. Seriously, if someone were paid to find some info on me, why not just have a simple sit down conversation with me rather than wreck the rest of my life, my survival? Why should anyone feel entitled to put my survival on the line for whatever selfish reasons they are pursuing? I hate people. I hate people.
My life feels so depressing now. I'm alone. I can't find a job. I have to ask my parents for money. I remain offended at other sexual harassments of being a sex object or hooker of any sort. Right now, because of so much recklessness among so many people, there is not much I can do about gossip and things people say about me. There is not much I can do about undeserved entitlement that people somehow corruptly can still get away with. I can't do anything in this chaotic world.
I'm still going to go to the Sunday Brick walks and still try to sell my stuff. I feel as though I'm stuck blindly in someone's corruption and I don't know how to solve it. Pressure, feeling time is wasted, limits, I don't know how to save myself.

My anxiousness is coming back again in a way that I didn't want to......

As the Sarah turns..... I have to be open about it right now. There are still many other private moments but some things I have to be more open about.
I still get very confused with both Amish Jim and Dane and wonder how many other people Jim is connected to. With Jim, for some reason, I don't take his sexual harassment in severe offense or too harshly. He seems the type of guy that has 2 motives: to have fun and be a joker (not in a rapist way), as his own expression of manly dominance. I'm bothered with the dad connection, but I don't take Jim seriously with it.
As for one issue that I feel both probably share is that the boobie battle continues on. I said it earlier, I'll say it again: What is it that they are really expecting of me? What do they or other men want? They are the ones who are waging the war and on the attack. I've already used the ultimatum card before and I'll say it again: It isn't that I'm against getting a boob job. It is the fact of the ultimatum. I do not want to be systematically or objectively loved based on the size of my boobs. I am not going to throw some serious rant to give more satisfaction to men for the glory of boobs. It just isn't something that I care to debate with but a number of people are the ones who are responsible for topic of hate and discrimination. I already did write an earlier blog over sexual choice and even sexual correlations in social conversation and in work environment. I'm so upset that there has not been enough time spent in fixing sexual harassment and literal dictatorship in workplaces. Call it socialism or capitalism, I HAVN'T BEEN impressed with it one bit.
As for actual relationships, it is an entirely different world of its own where there should be no stress over it in regards to workplace. In actual relationships, I'm in such an emotional state right now. I hate how I feel like everyone is so out of reach. I hate not knowing definite and specific people. I am getting a clue with some men and I don't think I've ever known how to let someone in or approach me. I get so mad at the unfairness and disadvantage of blindness and being out of reach THAT THOSE OTHER MEN ARE RESPONSIBLE FOR. Seduction isn't everything. And it makes me so mad when I get called impossible when my world is set up to be impossible and out of reach. I hate how I feel I am passively being pushed to be gay by the lack of approach or interaction of some men. Some guys are such assholes. I don't know why they are still around anyway when they wanted to give me the impression of such a harsh passive rejection.
Dane, is playing another dog game. I seriously believe he wants me to be paranoid and not anorexic with him calling me his dog. I do not completely get him yet in entirety of ridicule and comedy. I don't know if he is trying to seduce, have serious harshness, or pure comedy with dog relation. He seems to care about me being "his dog." literal faithfulness or loyalty? or in a more crude sense, bitch slave? I have been thinking about loyalty issues in general terms of relationships over some time now. Some people are so harsh and judgemental against people who are loyal. I'm grey and havn't come to a definite conclusion of what to think of it. Loyalty really is a good character trait but I've seen the antagonist where they think loyalty is the devil. To respond to being a dog for Dane? Yes and no. I could see how he could label me as a male dog but I guess when trying to solve my stockholm survival, I have no choice but to have such an adrenaline rush for myself when in some situations. I think I've gradually been more used to it, but there are still times that I can freeze and not know what to do. Not just him, but other stockholms. I can joke with it, but I would rather be seen as a female bitch. I conclude myself again as yes and no and being a little shady. WIth so many other emotions, I can't yet get a reaction out of myself of being compared to a cute little chihuahua where funny dominance is being expressed over me. I just don't know what to say. It's funny and it's not funny at all. I can't even bite him from here.........