But I know myself better than anyone, so I have no choice but to describe myself sometimes.
Right now, the theme seems to be competition and modesty with what would ring in my head the most. I feel a mixture of both approval and unapproval. Only one person's approval matters in this instance.
I have never expected everyone in life to be the same, have the same values, have the same ways of being. In so many double standards, when being pushed to compete, I can get quite livid that not everyone holds their end of the bargain.
I care.
Because I care, I would put up some kind of fight, even when I feel it shouldn't even have to be necessary in the first place. It leads me to one of my values that I've already had to let go of on an occassion or few:
dictionary.com
mod·es·ty /ˈmɒdəsti/ Show Spelled
[mod-uh-stee] Show IPA
–noun, plural -ties.
1. the quality of being modest; freedom from vanity, boastfulness, etc.
2. regard for decency of behavior, speech, dress, etc.
3. simplicity; moderation.
Last time I checked, big boobs weren't out of fashion. While I am still against the ultimatum of being loved based on the size of my breasts, it is some women who would have no regard in thoughts of my own personal competition and could care less that they could be chosen objectively out of breast size and maybe not even care about the issue of being genuinely loved. I've never been a control freak with the matter.
Like I said, I can have my own moments of being immodest.
I've always had issues with chauvenism.
I've had issues with being alone all the time as well.
Throughout time, I have adapted in my own way to either chauvenistic men or men who just don't give a shit and are either there for just conversation or just sex. So, while a riddle of "misery loves company," can be close to being accurate in having any serious kind of judgement over me. I would argue that I'm not a complete hermit. I would also say, I continue to support my own philosophy and beliefs that love is not systematic. Like Shania sings, "there ain't no particular way." In this situation, aside Nazi's and Supremacists that would think I should feel inferior and have no negative emotions of being pushed to feel inferior, I feel like the doormat for having to fight to show I care about someone after shoves of feeling sexual discrimination. While I think if he is being serious and I could say it is his own flaw to have a sexual discrimination, it is just as much example of imperfections.
I'm not an easy person to love. I'm aware that I have my own flaws but I'm also aware of things I love about myself and still have my pride.
I've always let it up for the man to be the ultimate decider. It is his choice of what he does and does not want to value in so many other examples that do not always include body composition or lists of vanities.
Some men even use it against women how experienced in relationships they are. I've been single with flings for a very long time. To make effort in being in a serious relationship could be a challenge on either ends. I don't use my singleness against myself as much as some men would.
I can't say there is any person where people could point the finger at me to say: love the one your with," or sing the "Desperado," song to me. I don't have another random person out there to "love." And while some people could rightfully call me desperate at the present time, while feeling choked to continue to war, I would continue to say my life HAS BEEN rigged. At the same time, my own personal vanity of knowing for myself that I have pride and feel like my life is nothing but communism, I still would want to make an effort to make things work knowing I'm desperate. My life and life set up, communism, everything has not made any sense for a long time. I'm not afraid to find conclusions. I'm not afraid to find more truth in life. I'm not afraid to give myself a chance at a relationship.
I really don't like to have to play the teacher role. I know how people can reverse it to say I'm the control freak and the one demanding people how to live. It is a time where I think self management and words right out of my mouth is necessary after having to have to go through more crap life throws at me.
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