Freedom at 21: Revenge and Venting

I really want to smack Larry upside the head for the way he reacted to me and acted like such an innocent virgin about me asking about him cheating. Larry, forget we met at the strip club, forget the name I had of Pamela after Pamela Anderson, forget that there are married men and coupled men who came into the club all of the time and cheated. Let alone I have seem to have no history, like I've never been violently cheated on to my face several times by several different men. Like cheating has never happened with anyone. While I don't feel cut too deeply by Larry, I still feel cut on and threatened. His virginal responses make me feel like I should believe he is cheating that much more. Yeah right we didn't meet at the strip club Larry. It is like he could have been caught off guard or felt so unexpectedly questioned that he didn't know what to say in the worst way. He was insulted and hit me back with his verbal warfare and cuts. He might as well have just told me he's cheated rather than be such a mean coward. If he is seriously that innocent, he should have never judged me and never made me feel so threatened about my will to care about my respect. I was dumped over his own dating rules. When he chose his rules, he chose his rules, and I told him to just call me "psycho," and that I know I can't win. While I lose him; I won't lose to his rules which become other rules of my own where I can only continue to lose him with the back to back. I told him that if he cared about me enough, his rules wouldn't stand in his way so much and he would have never treated me as being too ridiculous and that was so pathetic of me. Whether or not he was caught off guard with whatever cause to his horrible responses, he lost me with the way he chose to judge and demean me and made me question my ability to trust him that much more. I'm still upset. I'm still not completely over him, but how he handled it himself helped me get over him a little more. ....................... Freedom in the 21st Century

Until Then

Right now, I am coming to some of my senses with my job situation. I have decided my night job is no longer going to be working out. Had I not had to worry about the house fees; I'd probably not worry about it. When babysitting and house fees add up, my breaking even is 80.00, no discretion. Whatever I make after my first 80.00 is what I am really making unless my daughter is at her grandparents where the visits won't be as often much longer. My mother will be finally moving with my dad 6 hours away to VA. So, as far as that goes, my break even will always be at 80.00. Some nights, I make less than that. I am happening to be in a dry spell right now, but most times I do decently. Sadly, this job is no longer a job that pays off. I'm sure I'll find another job where just the babysitting 40.00 break even with the rest I make won't be as bad. I'm sad about it. Until I can find another job, I'm logging back in to flirt for free and will try my luck there. This is a painful wall to hit, but I'll get over it. I'm thinking about Uber delivery, but I already drive enough during my day job. It will be a challenge to find a job where I can get a flexible enough schedule...... I have to keep running. This move to Pittsburgh has been so stressful and there are times where I am so extremely stressed with no time at all that I just want to scream and scream and scream. I have to do what I have to do. I don't know how much longer I will be a dancer for, but my shoes will be hung up back in my closet before too long. Until I find another job, I've got to keep hanging in there..............

When Bollywood meets with the good old normal America

Sometimes, I get a little more quiet when meeting a new man in person.... I have considered some Bollywood men to be more dangerous and usually a little more possessive... I feel the need to talk a little more on this one. Although I gave this guy my number; there still may be odds that he won't call, or that things may not work out. It is too soon to say, but for now, I have a legitimate crush on an American man. This isn't the first American man I've talked to while talking to Mike's Bollywood; it is actually the second. Mike and I have been talking for a little more than half of a year and I have yet to meet him in person. I've noticed the severe degradation with Bollywood men to their women from the start. I've always warned them. It's like they just don't understand the high and mighty dominance they want to protect while wanting to keep their woman around, but I'm not sure how much of their own degradation hits them. It really doesn't seem often that Bollywood and America meet. This new legitimate crush is a little confusing because he looks like Mike a little and I can't help but crush on him, but I give him his own credit- for the record. Maybe Mike is thinking: good riddance. He made me feel he was upset for what could have been for the last time. While we have had a few spats and upsets; IT IS UNFAIR FOR HIM TO HAVE A DOUBLE STANDARD WITH ME NOT PROTECTING OUR LOVE WHEN HE WASN'T PROTECTING OUR LOVE ENOUGH ON HIS END EITHER. How dare he want me to feel the most guilty? I will have a little bit of a crush and care left for Mike, but the relationship is on the rocks that much more and it may fade that much more. I seriously don't mind giving Captain America more of a chance and getting to know him more. He seems someone that is down to earth and that I could feel comfortable with- for the most part. I usually don't talk about my meet in person Captain America's online or in my blogs too much. Not unless something feels necessary or vital. Right now, I have to admit I'm some kind of player, but I'm not out to play too many mind games or bring about too much confusion or mental terror. I don't know the what of the mental terror that some people may never leave me alone with anymore, but I know there have always been endless mind games and some mental/psychological terror out there. I just won't let myself be labeled with that.

Fuck your dominance Mike

Looks like some more judgemental gang banging dominance is on you. I can only keep hating you harder back. STOP THINKING THAT I WOULD BE SUCH A FOOL TO YOUR LUST. LET'S BE SEX ADDICTS TOGETHER LIKE YOUR AVOIDANCE TACTIC WOULD EVER WORK. FUCK YOUR QUEENS. FUCK YOUR JUDGEMENTAL AND VIOLATING ABUSE. YOU FUCKING DUMB SAVAGE BARBARIAN. KEEP BLACKMAILING ME LIKE YOU'RE NOT THE REASON TO MY PROBLEM. KEEP THINKING THAT I WOULD EVER BE YOUR SECOND BEST CONCUBINE. YOU'RE ANOTHER DUMB RETARD WHO THINKS HE WOULD EVER HAVE MY RESPECT OR LOVE AFTER KEEPING ME SECOND BEST AND SUBJECTED TO A QUEEN. I'LL PUNCH ERIN IN THE MOUTH AND HER HEAD FOR WHATEVER QUEEN SHE THINKS SHE IS AND HOWEVER WORTHY OF A SUPERIOR JUDGE SHE THINKS SHE IS. YOU ARE A SICK SADISTIC RETARD WHO HAS ANOTHER THING COMING TO HIS MENTAL HEALTH FOR WHATEVER SICK PSYCHOTIC PROBLEM YOU ARE IN THINKING YOU ARE WORTHY OF KEEPING ME HARASSED, STALKED, AND JUDGEMENTALLY HOVERED OVER. YOU HAVE THAT MUCH MORE OF A MENTAL HEALTH PROBLEM THAN I EVER WILL ALONG WITH THE OTHER HATEFUL SAVAGELY JUDGEMENTAL AND DESPERATE RETARDS. I WILL ALWAYS KNOW I DESERVE A MAN THAT PUTS ME FIRST. WHATEVER GAME YOU THINK YOU HAVE; YOU ARE A RETARD IN THINKING I WILL BE SUBJECTED TO THAT AND LOSE TO YOUR JUDGEMENTAL WAYS AND CHAUVENISM. FUCK YOUR LUST. FUCK THE JON STEWART AND JACK NICHOLSON GANG RAPE THAT'S IN YOU. FUCK YOU FOR THINKING YOU CAN TRICK ME WITH YOUR LUST AND KNOWING YOU'VE DONE TRASHED ME ANYWAY. YOU OBVIOUSLY DON'T WANT MY BABIES. YES I WILL FIND A MAN WHO PUTS ME FIRST AND WHO WOULD NEVER DARE THREATEN ME WITH ANOTHER QUEEN OR HIS SAVAGE CHAUVENISM. I DESERVE BETTER THAN YOU THAT MUCH HARDER YOU DUMB CHAUVENISTIC RETARD.

Random Thoughts and Frustrations

This month has been one frustrating month. I'm still not in the regular routine of things, so it is a good and bad thing to know I'm not in my most normal daily routine way of life. It matters to me the way my time is spent. I am already frustrated today because I've hardly had any time to spend. I'm grateful I have a job and can get my hours in, but it's just frustrating to not have enough free time and be constantly busy and on the go. I'm still not completely moved in. I thought I would have the time to at least construct an end table together tonight, but I just don't think I'll have the patience or time for it. I think I'll knit instead after writing this blog. I won't feel like shit as much this week because I finally was able to do something with Mitzi yesterday. We went to this complex's pool for the first time on the first day of the next month after the move in. This is the second time since the move so far that we've been able to do a simple thing as swimming. I will probably plan to do something with her Friday too. The other thing I don't have time for is exercise. There are a couple of ways I feel a little gross, but the fact that I havn't had the time to exercise makes me feel grosser. When I don't have the time; I just don't, but I feel like crap anyway........ The only thing I'm going to say with my drama right now is that I'm just too scatter-brained to get anything. Why is it always such a threat to be or feel "cornered," when all a person has to do is make a choice and mean it without being a control freak? Why has the art of the perfection been lost? I know I have some hard opinions with some men and a hard and painful experience and bias of the truth of their objective, but why can't I get a break? Why won't the most dead giveaway of a controlling totalitarian man get smacked around and jack-hammered? I guess I am going back into "fight night," but it is still kind of expired with Mike. He should have known how much I've hated the stockholmings, harassments, and controlfreaks that I've experienced and UNDERSTOOD THAT NOBODY HAS EVER WON WITH THEIR TOTALITARIANISM BUT IT IS LIKE I'VE ALWAYS BEEN THE MOST WILLING LOSER TO ANYONE. FUCKING DUMB AND DEAF GANGBANGERS. I can't help that Mike was being guilty by association with Ashton, Brandon, Bree Ann, and Stacy. I know not all lies were put on him. Well there is your fight night Mike, you want to duke out the dumb and deaf gangbanger I think you are, I might need a little more fighting Viagra to care and literally put up my Dukes and get into it with you. Thinking about serious lustful thoughts with you one minute and letting myself lose it the next minute. Being so scatter-brained, uncertain, AND A LITTLE OVER-TESTED KNOWING YOU'RE NOT FORMALLY LETTING ME IN IS SOME KIND OF CLUE TO ME. YOU MAKE ME KEEP BANGING ON YOUR WALLS MIKE.

As the Sarah Turns

I think I will save the Mike for last. While A-Rod obviously has a girlfriend, I wonder if he is making a real pass at me or has some crazy share with James Comey. While A-Rod has never personally been violent with me; sometimes it is the thought that counts, but actions speak louder than words. A-Rod, I will make some crazy basement slave rape out of you with an addition of date rape if you don't step back. With Comey, crime and punishment is what he lived for. He can't put a hooker label on me but he can put a partial adultery label on. I still don't know what to say to him....... I have noticed Jared around in some ways. I think he was the one who "bought the Flintstone house." In a figurative way and however it is supposed to be taken? Although Jared has already failed me in a few ways, I would believe him to be the most protective and just might care about keeping something about my truth protected...... Mike and the Pens..... I seriously don't know Mike or the others enough to know how to take them. I really don't know how to take them. I think I see a sign or two with them or outside of them, but still have some uncertainties. Because there is still a shadiness to Mike, I have to have my times of quietness or hesitance. As much as I enjoy the fantasies and affection of him, I still put myself before him. Yes Mike, I am putting my pussy on the pedastool in a lot of ways. I am paranoid of some gossip, but just don't know what all of the talk is or what any of it could be getting at. Mike seriously could be doing his every day/year routine with the hockey camp, but I wonder if he is making a pass: "I love kids." I have a little but of a laugh, but he doesn't let me in enough. Mike is still not here and neither are the rest. I know that it is still Mike and the Pens looking at me and me looking at the Pens, but I am made to stay in wonder more. I may eventually have more of my own two cents and gossip, but for now, I keep my pussy on a pedastool. ..............

Vacationing and Other Thoughts

I am having my highs and lows this week. Other than spending a lot of personal time with my daughter (where I have my other "mood swings,") my best high was being approved for my first choice apartment. I was mostly expecting it, but I had some anxiety because I have had a little bit of a bumpy financial past. I had 3 main apartments to choose from, but I had to pick this one because it is the most convenient. I really liked the amount of space and interior a little better at the other two apartments, but they didn't have as much of a convenience as the one that I chose. I'm so excited. I have been wanting to get out of Cumberland and my parent's home for a long time. While I have a load of stresses to gain; I have a bigger load of stresses to lose. It is a main goal that I will finally be able to achieve. I will eventually be able to think about getting to my points B,C, and D soon, and I'm sad because I feel I should have made it further in life by now. I probably will have a low key job for the rest of my life, but there is still the thought of stay-at-home online work and possibly owning my own business. I'm sure I will still have more options ahead, and there should especially be more job opportunities in Pittsburgh. I could see myself stay at my merchandising job a year or more and hoping that there will be a full-time opening. If not, I will probably be doing the same work drill. Points B,C, and D will eventually be bridges I can cross. I just found this out today, and can't help but rant more about it and my future a little more. It is such a big deal. I have other moving priorities to work out, but now I have got to chill in the vacation time that I have. I've spent more money than what I wanted to spend, but IT IS VACATION. I got my crab legs and have had a lot of other fun. I'm so upset over the weather though. It was cold today and nobody was even at an outdoor pool and especially not at the beach. There is supposed to be some kind of coastal flood tomorrow where there is a high tide and strong current, so especially no swimming tomorrow. We are leaving Friday, and I'm hoping the current won't be strong that day. I want to swim on the beach anyway (checkout is at 10:00am!) but we won't have the convenience of the hotel when we are done. The boardwalk along the beach at least has a place to spray the sand off, and I'm sure the hotel won't mind if we use their bathroom lobby. I've made sure to not feel like the vacation has felt too wasted. We have done a lot to keep ourselves entertained and I think Mitzi likes the indoor pool better than the outdoor pool and the beach but she probably likes the outdoor pool the best. We could get a hotel to swim in an indoor pool anytime, but we still at least have all the free time to do whatever the hell we damn well please. (Her virgin ears are very covered now). We are on the beach only 2 days of 5 because the weather is that bad. There was a really bad accident along the way that kept traffic jammed for at least an hour. There were definitely injuries and possibly a death. I'm just saying things could always be worse and I hope we have God's protection on the ride home too. She had a blast at the trampoline park today with the foam pit and I think there might be a trampoline park in Pittsburgh too that I have yet to check out, but I'm so glad that Pittsburgh has one too. So many different things racing through my mind right now...........Man drama: not sure about everything that is going on with that either but try to take it easy and always knowing there could be something to stress over. Like there is nothing to stress over now. taking it easy in whatever way I can. Right now, I have a lot of different things going on and distractions that keep my mind off of it some, but do I want to fall through more cracks because I don't have the time or full focus? I could always be better off without another Rae Rae or made to feel like a CoCo Channel, but I still wonder............

As the Sarah Turns: My world is turning more

Signs signs signs. While my imaginary boyfriends are still Pinocchio, I know I saw a few un-imaginary signs tonight. It is NOT all in my head.... I didn't hear the Selena one. I was walking out of the stadium when I heard the name. You want me to be mad! I did take that one very figuratively, and I really don't know why you would want me to. I think the ulterior motive was: you caught me laughing and knowing I'm not mad. You want to keep me don't you? I thought I could buy my way out of slavery, but you have done caught me! Well, I'm sure I got some bondages off and gained some kind of freedom, but I won't be ashamed to admit that I know I'm crushing for you. Mr. Mike Sullivan. The One Republic "It was made for you," song had some kind of insinuation with me didn't it? I just don't believe you Mike. I call your bluff. My bets are that you and Sidney are going to remain the same Pinocchios as do most Don Drapers. While the provocation with your Pinochio becoming "a real boy," is still there, the most basic intention is still there too and only meant to be taken as the most basic intention: If you really want to keep me, you really need to be in my life and in my life in an actual personal way. While I have said I like some companionship of "the long distance relationships," and that it sometimes is better than being alone, it just isn't fair to want to keep me like that. .... I'm starting to want Mike a little more but my heart breaks over Sidney some. I'm not sure if all of the arbitrage adds up with the concussion and hopefully the arbitrage wasn't relevant to the concussion at all. I'm just not getting it. .... Besides original mystery, I'm still in some mystery over several things. I don't know if it is simple meet and greet conversation with these imaginary boyfriends or how long any of this Pinocchio story will last, but I guess I play it by ear...........

Random Thoughts

So much is going on in my crafting world and I remain excited. I'm getting a new canopy today and it is such a convenient pop up. The assembled ones are such a bitch and take that much longer in getting my display set up. Not only that, but I found a serious deal where it costs the same as an assembled one. I can't wait to pick out my new business card designs and banner yet either. Some of my secretarial work is fun. There is still not enough time in the day and I remain frustrated by that. I havn't been able to even watch a Netflix movie for awhile and still might not have the time today even when staying home. Today is Mitzi's actual birthday. Her party went well and I was glad that it all worked out. I spent more money on the party and presents than I had planned, but I'm not going to stress too much over it. I forgot my camera and had to resort to the camera on my phone which is just not the same or has as much of a pixel quality. I was so mad at myself. I was almost late because I had spent more time at the market beforehand than I realized and then had to do an extremely quick slop job of wrapping her present. It all went well..... I'm a little more on the brink of stressing my love life the way I typically do, but my busy life keeps me distracted. I'm not sure what I'm going to do about the couple of guys in my life right now. I just got a new recent pass with a random guy, but he reminds me of Giovanni a little. I havn't completely lost interest in Giovanni either, but there were some questionably creepy things where he was just being weird in the arbitrage. While this other random guy doesn't look like he is being in the senate too much for Vonny, he reminds me of him a little. I hope he doesn't mean to mess with my mind with Vonny and only wants to represent himself. I don't like some of the arbitrage mind games and credibility. I don't have a strong interest in this dude yet, but life is so busy and I'm so distracted by numbers of things. I'm still mad that Hockey season is almost over. (I still feel a sense of company with someone and that story seems to remain the same. good and bad.). I was wanting to go to a baseball game too, but I'd feel some guilt in going to one and not having gone to any hockey games. Maybe it may turn out to not stress over it too much. I wouldn't have the time to go to a baseball game in the next two months or so anyway. ..... getting back to getting things done..............

Sorry for the way you're being tagged

"Sessions" is the look-alike with you and Denny. I bet it's Jon who wants to photoshop you, but I really don't know who is photo shopping you. Denny is a gross old pig who has always had the same gross entitlement and is another who lives to stalk me to tell me to "suck it." ... It is an unchallenging dead giveaway of totalitarianism. "I have you won, I call you a Russian, therefore I deserve to have whatever bastardly interrogating way I want to have with you." I'm really not sure how much credit you give yourself in thinking you have me won, Vonny. Maybe it is Seth who is photo-shopping you and wants to compete with you. Honestly Seth, you earned your pistol pulling "rite" (lol) in some way, but you proved yourself to the wrong person. I hate being forced to prove myself too, but if you did want to prove something against Jon, you would have done that by now. It isn't just Jon, but I guess with you it specifically is. You've done made one too many episodes of the family guy. You may want some revenge and threaten to distort my truth or just plain lie against me and feed me to Denny's gross sick pig. I wish you guys would care more about your reputation in being such a sick savage sore loser, but some people just don't care what other people think a little too much. I think if you had any sincere or genuine care for me Seth, you would care more to not be seen as such a sore loser. .... Vonny, I know I refuse to be touched by the real Denny. But, if you are threatening me with Denny's grossness, you leave me no other choice to keep you under-estimated for the dead-giveaway totalitarian comment it was. I will explain to you in the most simplistic way: It is my freedom and truth to think of people the way I think of them, and say what I say. You cannot change the belittling and hateful views I have against some of the most specific people. It has always been worth it to me to keep going alone and being independent than to ever change the way I think. When some people never cared to have me won, it was their right too, but it was never ok for them to keep stalking me and forcing theirself on me. It was never ok to continue on with their totalitarianism. I will wait until some people are good enough for my respect. (It's not that I have to be close or friends with anyone or everyone I encounter either) Until then, I know I'm the one who still has the most unbeatable integrity and I am not the least bit challenged by the numbers of control freaks I have had to put up with.

Shut Your Big Kid Up!

This is a kill that I feel inside me right now. I've always felt mostly safe in playing the role of a big kid, but it is: Dora! Big Kid! Shut yourself up!!!! Not all safeties work with everyone, and I'm still too blind to know what it is I am working with. There is a respect between him and I in being serious. He wants to take me serious and especially wants me to take him seriously. The issue with my seriousness is: what page are we on? What serious demand are you talking about with me? There is a speed I can't see. You scare me MAN. ........ I have yelled at Jon in several different ways through the years. I think Jim is another dominate stalker that I keep yelled at and take blind stabs at as well. I believe Jim to be a very dense totalitarian man who is too dense to understand what it means to be a totalitarian. I would believe he is one person who wants to sexually harass, keep me lied against, and harassed in other ways to my death. He is one totalitarian king of murder and corruption. It was never ok with Jim to be controlling like that with me and there are corruptions that I have yet to know about with Jim. But, I would believe that Jim does want to harass me to death. While I am mostly blind sided to Jim and Jon's corruptions and social networking, there could be more people involved that I'm blind sided to as well. They could be in a blind siding cross fire between Jon and Jim vs. Me and there are people that I could have upset along the way. Maybe some men just don't understand the criminal I put on them or have a problem with the criminal I could make of them in the cross fire.................. This is my most summed up guess that is still defined in a broad sense. ... There could be a barbarianism that is still there that is trying to be very defensive, but I'm too shook up in my blindnesses and what I can't see. Cyclops vs. Cyclops..... I've never seen myself as a "one-eyed demon" LOL but -shutting my big kid up- but when I'm seen as a monster too, I just am. I don't think it is fair to be seen as the bad man, but men get controlling and manipulative like that. I've yet to make my own AWOL attempt and couldn't if I tried. I'm the captive again and I'm not over the past guy. It could be for the best that I get over him, but there is still too much I don't know on both ends.......

Still Too Blind

You seem to be calm, peaceful, and conversational with me who will take advantage of his trap, but I question myself, am I really making a connection to you? ............... I'm upset with just how blind I am and the number of disadvantages I have. I'm in full stress over the credibility issue. Your trap has to put up with my bitch now. The heart Dr. is on my bad side and I don't like the way he wants to give himself the credit of my Patrick Swayze in "Ghost." It was whoever the mystery cop was. As I was saying, you're still as much of a mystery meat as he is. I obviously had a little more of a connection to him than that. According to some anonymous person on msn, It almost looks like he is already married and I'm "the other woman." Either that, or he does visualize me as being a blond ditz that just doesn't get it enough, but I have a little more belief that it is the former and he is supposedly married and wants to mess around with me anyway. I HATE THE BLINDNESSES AND DISADVANTAGES THAT I HAVE. That is the thing that is driving me the most crazy. Giovanni, I'd be careful in dealing with me, because I am the reason for the trouble I'm in and the trouble that I'm capable of making. I may eventually have a better upperhand with knowledge is power and I'd be nice to me if I were you. I'll show you tricks and torment although I'm not one to lie. I'm too much of a prejudiced Canadian to often give an eye for an eye or beat someone at their own game. I'm just too good for some terribly foolish games. I know the way I run my mouth and at least I won't have to deal with someone's barbaric behavior of treating me like I'm too stupid with them, when I get to have my way with my labels and put the con man on their name. The arbitrage still isn't fully completed in my eyes because you're still some random stranger. I will call some men liars, deceptive, and robbing with the way they take the credibility and feel they deserve any right to give themselves and the right to rule and reign: Barbarians. It wasn't my responsibility that they were going to be way too confident, take themselves way too far, and become way too dominate and controlling. It is on them for being way too confident and giving themselves way too much of a right. I'm starved for someone to understand what it means to take me the right way. I understand you for the Frank you are Giovanni. While I couldn't say that I think you're too arrogant in being able to trap me with the attraction of how I run my mouth; you are giving yourself a right of trapping me. In relieving myself of some blindesses, I have no other common sense choice than to keep watching your show and trying to see my way through. I'm really lost with you and the real Pete I was trying to reach. I don't know his real name...............

Roughneck Pete

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