Shut Your Big Kid Up!

This is a kill that I feel inside me right now. I've always felt mostly safe in playing the role of a big kid, but it is: Dora! Big Kid! Shut yourself up!!!! Not all safeties work with everyone, and I'm still too blind to know what it is I am working with. There is a respect between him and I in being serious. He wants to take me serious and especially wants me to take him seriously. The issue with my seriousness is: what page are we on? What serious demand are you talking about with me? There is a speed I can't see. You scare me MAN. ........ I have yelled at Jon in several different ways through the years. I think Jim is another dominate stalker that I keep yelled at and take blind stabs at as well. I believe Jim to be a very dense totalitarian man who is too dense to understand what it means to be a totalitarian. I would believe he is one person who wants to sexually harass, keep me lied against, and harassed in other ways to my death. He is one totalitarian king of murder and corruption. It was never ok with Jim to be controlling like that with me and there are corruptions that I have yet to know about with Jim. But, I would believe that Jim does want to harass me to death. While I am mostly blind sided to Jim and Jon's corruptions and social networking, there could be more people involved that I'm blind sided to as well. They could be in a blind siding cross fire between Jon and Jim vs. Me and there are people that I could have upset along the way. Maybe some men just don't understand the criminal I put on them or have a problem with the criminal I could make of them in the cross fire.................. This is my most summed up guess that is still defined in a broad sense. ... There could be a barbarianism that is still there that is trying to be very defensive, but I'm too shook up in my blindnesses and what I can't see. Cyclops vs. Cyclops..... I've never seen myself as a "one-eyed demon" LOL but -shutting my big kid up- but when I'm seen as a monster too, I just am. I don't think it is fair to be seen as the bad man, but men get controlling and manipulative like that. I've yet to make my own AWOL attempt and couldn't if I tried. I'm the captive again and I'm not over the past guy. It could be for the best that I get over him, but there is still too much I don't know on both ends.......