Awful

I'm feeling accomplished actually.
Whether I am neglected or acknowledged, I feel very accomplished.
It was an awful event to have to bring more negativity into the scene. I had to.
I'm sick of the denial.
I'm sick of the neglect.
I have not been to any family event in a couple of years. I may be alienated from my family, but, I at least went to a funeral.
I could have said the same thing just as well in any other setting, but because I have not attended family events holidays or whatever in the past couple of years, it was pretty much the only opportunity I could unleash myself.
I told both my grammy and aunt Lisa off.
The very second my aunt Lisa started competing with me and acting like it was me with the problem (I had shunned her earlier in the day), I told my grammy, "actually I'm pretty happy that they exploited you with Kim Jong Il."
My grandma walked away.
I then had to call my dad Hitler when my parents were aggressing me and then I sat at a different table alone with my back to everyone.
I later called people a bunch of retarded stalkers.
I still have doubts that I will be acknowledged but I'm glad I had the opportunity to make myself a little louder in front of an even larger audience.
I really wasn't trying to be the center of attention.
When it comes to standing and maintaining my ground, I have to do what I have to do.

I don't know if anyone will ever side with me.

I still dream of the day when I have the relief that someone will side with me.

Until then, I have to stand alone........................

Brain Storm

I've skimmed over a few twitter articles today. Typical day.
I thought I'd join in with a brainstorm concerning National Geographic's Scotland energy program.
It's only a brainstorm and I'm not being too literal with the science of it all. It is what makes it complicated though when discussing literalness with sophisticated thoughts during the brain storm.
I really don't know actual statistics of how true it is that Nazi's would have to back up concerning size.
I'm getting more confused signals from Dane wondering if he really is a Nazi.
Before I get into the brain storm, I'd like to sort out a few thoughts about it.
This is a time in life where life doesn't make sense at all.
Others are hasty to push me into something else.
Some sexual offenders would say if I want Dane, I should give head do or die. I already told him the way I was concerning that.
It just doesn't make sense that things seem to be going seemingly hunky dory and all of a sudden he would instantly Jekyl and Hyde into a Nazi?
My reaction to his Nazi is: an angry laid back approach. A hateful barbarous pig with no self control whatsoever. I already acknowledged that I loved him more than he loved me. If he did have a large significant love for me, he would learn to have self control and avoid hurting me. He wouldn't spoil himself and be accepting of my entire being. I already said I loved him more than he loved me. At the same time, whether it be Maggie or some random chick with big boobs, they really don't deserve much satisfaction from me. Thinking out loud: "yay you were born with big boobs, good for you."
I really would rather have to settle for having to be the one to say I love him more than he loves me and would have to live with that I don't have a regular man who I live with and comes home to me every night. A man that I would have to settle with that only visits me on occassion or convenience. I already said to be faithful or have fidelity with him could not be any promise.
I really have no strong attachments for other men. I'm not against the idea of being married to another; I just don't have another who has seriously wanted a commitment. In another perspective, I'm just not that attached to anyone. I could be open minded. If I were to marry someone, I'd want to definitely have passionate feelings, but there just isn't a regular man in my life that has been in it for the long haul who I feel I even know enough.
I'm comfortably single. Even though I discuss relationships, there are times when I'm not really obsessing over them and aggressively figuring out how to be in a serious one.

Back to the idea of Scotland.
I meant what I said that even though people can have "shares," it is shallow to still share the same feelings with that one. I have extents and meanings on how far I go with any particular individual who I may or may not be in agreement with. Just because I may have feelings for one person, does not mean I'll have those same feelings with another just because they may share the same qualities, values, or opinions.
Snowflakes snowflakes snowflakes.
I really do hate how I sometimes feel statistically summed up. It takes away all meaning. I think if people were to use statistics in that fashion, it should be more relevant to a workplace where it is more about business. I'm still not in support of socialism, but in a working environment, I think it would be easier working with people who have similar goals, interests, or directions.
As for relationships, to each his own.
I think it is just plain dumb and wrong to tell people how they should feel just because they may have matching "shares."
I've ranted over the sim world time after time. People are precious lively people who have emotions, feelings, values, personal nature to them. It is so wrong to have such a slave mentality over them. If anything, suggestions or advertising. There is also a difference between that and being exploited. So maybe one was sold on an ad or suggestion of another. That couple shouldn't have to live to please the crowd or always be under the advertiser's gun. If neither is aggressive enough, no big deal, move on with life.

I'm fed up with people playing God.
To be literal in the brainstorm of Scotland's energy is not something that is easy.

Maybe if it is for the sake of a genuine and honest protection. Where the scattering is not done out of another's selfish needs but to protect another. To have secrets that are just between that couple that really aren't shared with another and back to one particular person.
Some people try too hard to be unique, while other people forget the values of uniqueness and are always forced into the matrix man of the sim world's box.

I do value Beauty

But I think even beauty can be over-rated.
I've already been through the whole high school drama of beauty and personality. It isn't really fresh to me.
I laughed at Jordan Knight though. I think it is his way of keeping his pride or sense of reason in his manliness.
I would say my perspective is different in our past that I felt more ganged up on by my past friends who are now my enemies. He never knew me at all. He did it for them. He did it for the crowd. His present compliment is his way of saying: "It is still your fault that I denied you in the past."
I'm simply not the type that likes to live to prove people wrong or play fetch at a challenge. I really did recently do a Free Willy for Dane. It is my way of expressing love for him. I still say he really didn't know me at all before. I would argue that when I first encountered him, he was probably more set on working for and impressing someone else. It has been a complicated drama and story throughout time. Could call it another pride and prejudice person.
I think some may be sincere in saying I'm unattractive or ugly. Beauty is in the eye of the beholder and I know there are other people who are attracted. I question if calling me ugly is really a reverse psychology to get me to march the cat walk and be a stripper. Ha! No. I won't do that.

Presently, I don't want to worry too much about the past. If there are some words or connections that are still in the way or somehow effecting my life in the present, I would want to deal with it so I can have the best present state of time I'm in. I hate feeling underestimated and condescended by some. I'm sick of the childish tormenting games of it all. I'm sick of no breathing room. I know what makes me angry and I think that my present state of time shouldn't be made out to be harder than what it is.

Random end of day thoughts

Yesterday and today have both been seriously depressing.
I'm exhausted.
There are times that I don't know how to make myself happy.
I'm angry for several reasons. One reason is my dogs. Our house stinks so bad. It has been cleaned a few times the past few weeks but the stench is not rid. It adds on to my depression.
I don't want to kill my dogs either to resolve this.
I think some people are lightening up by being a little mean to me or picking on me. Some sincerity after all. Not that the meanness before was totally fake. Some of it was totally fake and bullshit. But there are even various types of snowflakes with types of being mean.
Today's mean seems sincere.
I'm exhausted. I think some people are either on ends where its best to be brutal or avoid hurting me at all. Compared to other hates and crueleties it does seem some people are softening up. I still feel I have a lot of misunderstandings and things I don't know. I can't completely feel comfortable or let loose with some people because of it.
Maybe some things take more time or I will eventually find another way in life.

thinking of Dane............

World coming to an end

With so much going on right now, I can't help but be such a theorist. I think right now the loudest message is "The Good Die Young."
I really don't know if I'm officially going to die soon. It is funny with how much I already feel demonized and labeled to be evil that my death may still be demanded. I feel I may be at a cross road over the issue or I may definitely be doomed to die and there is nothing I can do about it.
Do I want to die a young martyr? If I die, I really want people to know that I would do it for the faith in Christianity.
What if I was given a serious choice at longevity and I had to choose a particular evil to be committed to the rest of my life to share some relation to the rest of the human race that while we are still unique snowflakes I am still the same in that I have to be evil to live. I really don't want to bring glory to lady gaga. This is the issue that I have with communistic people. People telling other people how to live. Pride and Prejudice. People having to be obsessed over, over analyzed, experimented with for security, entertainment, and communistic control.

If I were to ask anyone anything right now for guidance, I'd want to talk to Dane or Brad Pitt. I havn't forgotten news pieces of the oil spill. As much as I do value religion and would be a martyr for it before dying for anything else, I'd want other thoughts, answers, beliefs, philosophies to be talked about.
I'm really not in the mood to talk to some sort of priest right now. I've had my share of prayers personally to God as well as sitting through a lot of sermons. I'm not even against the continued message of the word of God Alpha Omega beginning and end.
If people have serious issues with me maintaining my beliefs which really is an American freedom, I really would like to hear what some really are trying to say about me getting along with the rest of the human race. It seems impossible at this point to be a conservative. I'm more passionate for conservatives than I am for socialists.
I still care about discriminatory issues. I see where the next agenda trail is going: Europe. There still are Arabs, Asians, and Africans in Europe. It is not entirely caucasion, but it is known that Europe's majority is Caucasion. I do have some pride in my ethnic heritage. I wouldn't drop it because I know other races could be suffering. I'm not really out to get or cause suffering of other races. I still think the poor countries and minorities deserve to live and have rights as anyone else.
If people are asking about Nathan the baseball player here in town, I don't think he has literally died. I was attracted to him. He just didn't stick. It is the way it is in life. People come and they go; various people have various levels of attachment. There are some people I have a stronger attachment to than others. I've noticed it amongst myself and others that I have respectively stayed quiet with because I understand the right to be alive and the right to be free. If the issue wasn't confronted, I would be open to getting reaquainted with him, but now it would be awkward with the way socialism is going. Back to feel like someone is playing Barbie and Ken with us and playing Sim world games.

That's all thats on my mind now. ...........................

Taking On Oz

I saw just a short video.
While I've already been highly criticized over paranoia, I can't help but believe he is being seriously darkly vague with me.
If I would read in between the lines, he doesn't want men to have a heart for me at all and he wants women to either be hateful or competitive against me.
Maybe it is his personal bitterness of my refusal to be gay and maybe it is some sort of curse for either MIA against the system or that I really don't want to be a lesbian. Right now this is with Oz, but I have another blog I will write on my theories of the good die young.
It really is part of the irony of where I am now. Of course it looks foolish to be a dog or sucker for Dane.
I really would rather be known as a lover than anything.
I think it is his further push to compete against Russia over the issue of patience.
I would rather argue against Disney Land even though it would be nice to have a white knight. Nobody is perfect. Everybody has their faults and flaws. There are different values in relationships that people should have the individual right to choose what characteristics they value and decide over another. So Oz, I'd rather keep bashing and hating on people with communistic thinking that remain persistent in telling people who and how to be in a relationship.
I'm not saying I'm even officially an item with him or whatever. I'm just sick of people messing and ruining my relationships. If I ever get married, I probably will be eloped one day because I am so sick of being criticized over everything and people thinking that they should be the ones making my decisions.
There will be several commies that I probably will seek advice from on some occassions. I already have 2 picked out today that I'll talk to. Right now Dr. Oz, you seem more of the sadistic communist who does not wish me well and wants me to be in pain. I don't trust your leadership right now.

Awful Burmuda Day

I can't always clearly translate everything.

I'll start with Dane. He has now gone into Bruce Almighty or Obi One Canobi mode: may the force be with me. I can't officially reach him anymore but I have a feeling he can still see over me. So, I can reach him somehow without really being direct. This has happened before and I've hated it so much. I really hate the matrix and the system at this time.
Still mixed signals with him. I will have to remain in my beagle turmoil for awhile.

Next is Trump's roast. I know I am angry. I had a pretty straight face with a few smiles through the whole thing. Dane's foodstamp was obvious, but I can't recall the other person he looks like. I really feel bad when I have to speak out loud like this sometimes, but capitalism is so confusing and if people love it so much, I'm sure they don't mind. He is still a snowflake anyway. Urban capitalist snowflake. Maggie being the usual sadist. And Megan Fox. I still have my issues. I have not forgotten about previous secrets about American Indian Heritage. Not saying I am her mail order bride or groom at all. It was stories told by Jon and that one common ground we both have is that we're wild indians. Her main issues have not really been over ancestry; it is the reason I have been hateful for the issues that are focused on.
In a crazy way, I feel the question is being begged from me concerning capitalism, Trump, and people associated involved with him. He got the roast and it seems like another shifting of punishment is occuring. More pressure. I really would prefer to keep my silence through most of it. The reasons are that I understand things that I don't know. The reasons that even though I have a hate for the breadwinner, there is still some earned respect there that I will hardly ever mention because I know how some people can take advantage and to the extreme of a simple compliment. It is a difficult time of humbleness on all ends. Breadwinners shouldn't be lawless, but at the same time they should still have human rights and protection. As for the poor, they should be calm and not freak out. They should remember that sometimes, it is good to keep some kind of balance of fairness and equality even though they don't make what the breadwinner makes. It would be wrong for the country to be steered into an extremeness of poverty and wealth where there is hardly any middle class. Where it really would be tyranny in the end.
I think there are some people who really want to hate and blame me personally over greed.
I have an understanding of myself. I'm not particularly answering to Megan Fox, but the general public who does have endless bickerings over being serious and having labels of hypocrisy.
I really feel pushed, pulled, and threatened into a lot of things. I feel my life and other people's lives are on the line. While I really do not have the ability to carry the world; I really feel the need to involve myself or say some things sometimes. This is a time where after I've already demanded that people see my reality and down to earth life for what it is; that I want to say it all over again and be seriously demanding to have my reality seen for what it is. I'm not wealthy or a real life celebrity. I've already seen Simon Cowell's pressure of his new singing reality show. No, I'm not a gifted singer at all. But when it comes to some sort of fame or fairness, I still think it is an unfair pressure to have with the issue of credit and Susan Boyle. I see it more as one perspective that is part of the forest but am not convinced of entire reason or story.
I'm so scared for myself right now. I don't think its fair for some people to keep insisting on blame to say that I bring it on myself. I'm doing what I can to survive in this world. Because of knowing who I am and what I've lived through; I have such a hard time giving even the most alpha dog confident leader the responsibility of leadership. I hate having to fear for someone else knowing they are not an encyclopedia or computer that know every detail to my life, the communism I've experienced, and every detail of the world around me. It scares me to death for both myself and having to trust someone with control or responsibility.

Mike Jones is still in the scene somewhere and I don't understand what is going on with him.

As for now, I am observant and quiet. This reminds me of the time I got so afraid that I ended up in the hospital. It isn't over the dog either. It was that I was being threatened so seriously. I get confused with all of the Mikes. I have recieved death threats from some, and don't know how to look at the matrix and seriously believe that every man with the name Mike wants to kill me or despair me enough to commit suicide.

I really wish someone could hold me right now.

Bubble Songs

Music appreciation is part of my personality. I've always loved music. What average person doesn't?
Anyway, I have more discussion concerning some songs. Lady Gaga's newest and most recently popular song is "Born this Way." I don't like the song for religious reasons. I'm not really afraid of scientologists for who they are. I fear scientologists for the potential of being a modern day Hitler who has a different reason. Maybe not an exact Hitler, but a control freak of some sort. I know it is art and she is making art and a story with her imagination, but I really am disturbed by the story at the beginning.
Besides some people being born naturally with abnormalities or different characteristics, she moreso sings about an unnatural birth. I have heard that there is a such thing a some kind of altered genetic birth. I havn't done a whole lot of research as to how far some people go with it. I believe people have the potential to go pretty far. But even if a parent does go far, is it really fair to still be judgemental of a person for being born? Of course not. Natural or scientific people should not have to be cursed or hated for being born and breathing the same air as other people.
I saw one sign today: "Girl's just want to have fun." Fuck that. Be cute all you want; I know my personal truth and what I have lived through. I'm not even answering to them or will explain myself, but I look at them as ignorant spoiled brats who I hope share serious responsibility of China's or some other countries debt. People really need to be a better judge of character. Back to what I said about people being more mindful.
Back on the subject. Lady Gaga. Here is the song I'm sure most have seen by now of what I've talked about.



I really like this song. If there is a close match of harmony, this song would be a better match in dependable times. No, our stories don't match. I'm still my own snowflake, but I definitely get this song. Other times, depending on what the entire circumstance is, I can have a different heart.




This is my present song of harmony. I hate that I cry like a man. I'm going through something major right now. I've already cried this song before. I'm just upset that I have to cry my heart out again and can't find some other kind of solution or problem solve. I don't know how other people completely feel emotionally, but it breaks my heart to have to be this way right now. My heart is really breaking. I have a love for Dane that is hard to describe. I've also lived in confusion for a long time with effort made to settle my mind. I feel like such a fool to share my emotions like this. I feel cheesy. I've been feeling awkard. I know its not part of who I am, but it is how I have to be because I have serious issues with communication and a list of other things.

Dark day

Yes, I still really think a lot of people are arrogant. This is a time where some people's obvious demands to not be ignored and I don't mind releiving myself of being suppressed.

Right now, I think the biggest issue is that I think a lot of people are baffled over the fact that I havn't committed suicide.
I don't think people will ever understand the real pain of that last statement.

In all honesty, despite the feeling of the pain, it is also a shocker. The U.S. does have some commonly know stereotypes: A nation of supposed freedoms of all sorts. A nation of independence. A nation that supposedly supports a number of rights including women's rights. Also a nation with a large rate of arrogance and obesity. What a dangerous potential of causing its own collapse even among actual citizens of the nation.

Some people have agreed there are a number of people that are being a pig with me. It is nice to have agreements. Beyond the agreements others still have the continued nerve to say I should still commit suicide over them. No wonder my life feels continuously cursed.

Extent has always been my key word. Right now extent really isn't relevant to other people. Even though I have self worth, some die to say "fuck women's rights and independence," and:



This is the crux of other's wanting for me to commit suicide: I should kill myself because somebody should have loved me by now. Because I am not loved by others, all independence and autonomy is forgotten. Because I am not loved by others and nobody gives a rat's ass at what I have had to suffer. Why should I have any human rights because nobody loves me? I really do not intend to turn this into a sermon because I also believe in freedom of religion and any person of any religion should not be told that they are a nobody because nobody loves them.

So, where from now?
I believe there still may be possibilities from a number of men where it hasn't happened yet whom I may have never met yet. Maybe it's moreso directed at the rich or those in power where if a man loved me, he would have saved me by now. Some of those men are probably the same men who could have the potential to bring out my MIA from the cause of their own structure. I won't deny my flirtation or stockhom love. It seems though, there are even rules to stockholm love. The oddities of the stockholm love where I am meant to be known as the mistress.



I won't deny the love I've had for some. But in my circumstance, I would be blamed for any possibility because I am realistically more poor and vulnerable in honest comparison. But I think I'm learning there are even systematic rules for mistresses where there are still strict guidelines for how the mistress should act.
Its funny, I've never really laid any of the TV men. Of course I've been a tease in the stockholm. I've even teased a double jeopardy over it.
So is it moreso the wealthy taking advantage of a vulnerable women where it is obvious she can never win?

Forget the rest of the male population. If she were loved by now, someone would have loved her the right way.

OMG I was in my early twenties! Age really is a complicated variable that I don't really want to argue with.

But, I think that there are some who still seriously think I should commit suicide that I will both resent and loathe.
There are others who may not learn about me for years to come who I may resent when they have to meet the rest of the crowd and feel embarassed once again when the crowd asks a potential lover: "Why weren't you there for her? Why didn't you think? How could you say you love her? Or, in my low end: "How could you love her?" Or enemies who have lists from their action of outsourcing to say why that man shouldn't love me.
I really don't know possibilities of the future.
Other atheists and mysogynists who I've already called an asshole would say I should be gay, or be a real stripper and suck dick to get a man's attention.
They have no reason of patience. They have no reason of self control. They would fight to the death with either mysogyny and sadism or statistics.

I am honestly hurt with the way I have to unveil myself sometimes. There are so many arrogant people in this world where I feel ignored and that people really are clueless and stupified of who I am.
Yes, it does hurt when I have to ask certain questions or say certain comments. Yes, it really hurts with the list of other reasons that I hurt.
I will not beg. I will not live to suffer for another outside of my free will. I will not live for another whatsoever outside of my freewill.
I would rather be embarassed and hurt. I would deal with and be tortured by a dictator before I would abandon my free will and live a lie. There have been times of spontaneity where I have been self sacrificing by making choices in my own free will to do something or be something. That is who I am. That is some of what I have been trying to say in both words and actions.


So, I still do not know what the future holds for me. It would be a major challenge to continue enduring through time to live in the U.S. I seriously have thought about moving to another country but do not yet have enough money.

So, I choose not to commit suicide and remain unresolved.

Random Thoughts

Today was another productive day with crafts. I finished another jewelry box and learned a new hat. The hat is cuter handmade in sight than it is in the book. I'm so happy to be learning another hat style. I'm also almost finished my bag.

I think my mom is jealous of Dane Cook. I wrote him a letter and gave him a little more satisfaction over my finances. Well, later on in the day, my mom comes to nag me about student loans. It really is normal for her to nag me. This time, she went out of her way to nag me. I told her that she's not God either.

In a negative thought, I had my ass handed back to me today.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UPwaeaGOOUE&feature=youtube_gdata

But, I'm really not torn up with it. Yes and No. No, because I hate feeling like I'm being taken advantage of. Yes, because I have agreed before in terms of reality, but its more of a karma game to me where the asshole is bouncing off to say its not them it's that, "I'm the capitalist who makes the abnormal things happen and responsible for "shifting" it somehow." No, because it could be another manipulation over an issue of marxist supremacy. Yes, because I've agreed over issues of responsibility and that a lot of bad things that have happened not really relevant to supremacy, happen that I feel I shouldn't be responsible for.

Even some in fame wish against fame:



I've sang along to the song myself. Burmuda gets tough. However, years have gone by since hitting the reality and I have to continue to make adjustments and adaptions to what happens and wonder if I'll ever get a break or anything I really want. Burmuda continues on.

I can't think of much else right now. Tomorrow is a great excuse to go bar hopping. IT'S FOR A CHARITY!!!!!!!!!!! Cumberland's Hooley Plunge. Also part of St. Patricks. I think later on there is an official Irish pub crawl, but I'm not sure if I remember it is the same event or if there is a separate one in the month. I havn't made up my mind yet if I'll be going home with anyone. I think I already sense a predator, but who knows how the night will go. Maybe I'll make a new friend or something surprising will happen.

Random Thoughts

I watched "Takers," today. It was one movie to catch up on. Even though I used it as a name call, there was no strong paranoia. It was strictly an action movie about the bad guys. The takers. It was interesting. I wouldn't say it was the best action. The guys take the money, live self indulgently and in the end, justice is served. .....

Harry Connick Jr. He's being a playful cat with my language. Well, whoever's halo is in my personal life this time. I'm not the type that always immediately rings all the bells and whistles all the time. It depends, and right now, he is more of a foreigner. I can tell he has some of my info. Besides the language, I found another cat: http://economix.blogs.nytimes.com/2011/03/03/inequality-and-political-power/?smid=tw-nytimes&seid=auto
And Dane's principal character looks like him too. So if its not Dane, somebody somewhere in the world loves me right now.
The recent language I picked up on was Jasmine. At ORU, sometimes we would play the stupidest games, and Disney Drama was one of them. I said if I'm going to be any Disney character, I'm princess Jasmine, I'm too good for you! Well, last night Harry said, "No, I'm Princess Jasmine." Later he mentioned he was from Connecticut which in another translation UConn. (Con man). The oxymoron kills it. But someone looks like they are up to something serious. The halo really scares me sometimes, because I really can develop some sort of relationship out of it, but I also remember, I could not be guessing correctly.

Speaking of Dane, I'm not sure if he is victimizing me by calling me a nobody in a backwards way with a recent quote. I'll remind him I really do have haters. I guess with some of the people he focuses on and his own competitive nature, he could forget my enemies (and forget his own ways of being a predator). God man, I even went through the list of fresh reasons people would want to kill me. I'm not trying to be boastful with the fact that I have haters, but he does me an injustice when he tries to say that I'm an average every day nobody that denies credit despite obviousness. He forgets his own hatefulness and predatory ways of the attacks he is trying to say to me.
I really don't want a lot of enemies. I think when it comes to judging people, its not always fair when checking another's macrosystem to see who is and isn't an enemy or friend.
I could be reading him the wrong way and he may not be attacking me at all. Maybe he is desperate to say I'm an average nobody. He is starting to express dominance in his own way by saying I can only get any credit from him, but I give myself a pat on the back all of the time regardless of who it is.
Right now, I obviously care about him, but I've known how things go. I know I'm being really negative. I guess when some sort of seriousness is in the air, it's my way of being protective of myself. Like I said, I don't want a broken heart, but I don't want him to feel obligated to lie. This is the typical pattern of how I've adjusted to see it: I can vary the names of As the world turns, with how the Dane turns. Looks like its his turn right now to see How the Dane Turns:

Take advantage of my adoration while you can

Oh another bossy role. If you weren't an actor you'd definetely be a boss somewhere in the world.
I'm not paranoid with any characters yet.
I did see the name of Josh mentioned and I don't know if I should assume anything about that. But, if you want me to trust you or think about having an ally at any war or battle in life, if Josh is on your side, its pretty much impossible for me to be your ally.
I've always had a dislike for the stereotype of France, esp after Josh and learning about France itself. Brought out Sienna (GI JOE) and Precious and made me have psycho and outrageous emotions.
Still, even Frenchmen are snowflakes. I may not have a preference for the French, but I definitely like you better than Josh.
And if you are directing a high school belittlement at me, I brush it off. Ignore it.
!~ANOREXIA~!

Random Thoughts

I finally got around to buying a deodorant with no anti-perspirant. I don't think the stores have had it on the shelves before, but it is comparitively expensive to deodorants that do have anti perspirant. It is made out of natural ingredients and the major pro to this deodorant is that it is known to be a major preventer of Alzheimer's disease. There is no known cause, but some studies show that it does prevent Alzheimers. But another negative I'm learning, I smell a mixture of the apricot deodorant and my own body odor. I felt like I was getting a little bit of a headache. So, I think I'm going to switch back to what I've been already using most of my years. Between long term expenditures and every day odor, I'll take my chances at various risks of Alzheimers.

In another thought, I'm so happy to be already started and rolling on my new knitting project: A bag/ purse. It does have a name, I don't know if I will stick with it, or make up my own name, or not even have a name at all for it. One design of a knitted purse. I have 2 more upcoming hat projects to learn. Reminds me of some French heartship. I'll live an be ok. I don't know. Thoughts to myself again.

Surprise surprise more family issues. This time, I feel I'm being tested and competed with over the issue of greed. What my family doesn't realize is that I hate authoritarianism and possessiveness period. We can argue about anything and they'd never get it because they would always be judgemental, arrogant, and assume I'm mad at something else when still, at their age, they do not know how to respect differences and boundaries. My aunt Sue twists me a litte, I can respect differences, but there is a difference between verbal abuse and sincere hatred and personal issues compared to actual differences.
After that, some people do keep tabs and get very extreme at judgement and the fact that people have some fickleness throughout the years.

Fickle Pickle!


I think its Wisconsin bringing the cheesiness out of me



I did make a white chocolate Amaretto cheesecake the other day. It tasted very good, but I need to work on the texture. It was too liquidy in the end. I'll have to experiment with more ingrediants.

I think I'm going to go on the offense with Kathy Griffin. I havn't caught up with a lot of the movies yet, but I have watched a few lately. Her cattiness is definitely bold with no hiding in her hooker and sexual predator roles. In an odd way, I have a little more respect for her in Dinner for Shmucks. She has no backing down in her arguments of sexual offenses. In this movie she is hardcore for revenge. She is obviously the bad guy with her psycho trashy slut role. But, if I were to really think, I think she could be screaming maybe for her side of the story to be told. Maybe she really wasn't the first to be the sexual harasser. Maybe she does it for her own revenge and for the women. I really would not be surprised if she was of some Arab or Asian religion with the karma of it all. Maybe she feels she is at her last straw and will pull any stunt or measure for either justice, or her own way of being a hateful lover by using a karma game. I have understood how some stories of some movies go. I wouldn't say they are exact or match every detail of a character. Maybe its a method of gambling. It's just a movie, of course I don't know the full story or if the guy who was the main role in the movie really wronged her. But I wonder if it could be a strategy of exposing someone's truth. He could have told her to suck it at one time, or could have been responsible for sexually degrading her or another, and it was her revenge to wear her hooker outfit and shove his cell phone in her *!@!#&$ and force him to speak to his cell phone while his head was being puppeted to speak to her @!@%$#$ .......
I don't know. She's obviously been screaming for attention lately over sexual harassment and sexual degradation. Maybe she really has something more to say. Maybe she thinks like an Indonesian women and it is her way of her suicide of lighting herself on fire and running through the village.
I really don't like thinking about the suicidal Indonesian women label. I've done crazy shit. I've felt embarassed over particular things. I really don't want to think about it.

In other thoughts, I hate that I'm getting so anxious at my crafting. I feel overwhelmed by all my projects, unfinished projects, and having enough quantities made for the upcoming festivals.

I really am excited over today's interview. I would be so excited if I got the job. I think I'll know by the end of the week.

Not many other thoughts for now. I'm thinking of how I want to spend the rest of my evening.