Finish Done Finish Done

~Feeling like you want to make nothing but a talker out of me who doesn't mean what she says. ~ I guess you need more closure? David, at this point, you really have made me lose a lot of trust in you. I can't trust who YOU SAY you are or WHOEVER IT IS YOU ARE. I got the message in Travel in Leisure about you giving me the credit of Selma, and that credit was a lose/ lose too. While you may not be cheating on me with YOUR mystery wife that I never knew about; I lose you and you also have a wrong impression of who I am and how I see myself. We just hit too many bumps in the road: whoever you are; your cheats, your backstabs; you leaving me alone and in too much mystery; increased level in suspicion of you wanting to trick, fool, and frame me; the fact that you have a killer disease. I know I have messed up with you too on my end, and it isn't that I'm being entirely one-sided, but I do blame you the most for losing me. I won't lie that I have several other interests that I find very attractive, but in all honesty, I think they would most likely end up to a close same storyline as you if I were to try to seriously continue on more. I don't think it is going to work out for any of my interests being the type of men they are and the type of woman I am. There is a difference in being a swinger and a single slut and I know that I am the latter. I hate when men want to use it against me for being a single slut that I would be willing to be in a swinger or in an open lifestyle. I know I want to be in a serious and committed relationship. I know it has been awhile since I've actually slept with someone but I'm sure men get my slutty vibe. While I know I have my interests and attractions, I'm back to being a single woman who isn't fully stuck on anyone.

Still Mostly Gone

But I have to acknowledge something that does matter. Personally, I still think it is ridiculous how much of an exploitive life and exploitive drama I have. It's not that I ever made the choice for my life to be like that and I'm still mad to this day that I don't have enough things that are personal or private enough. It's not me, it is them on that matter too. (And I still don't know the list of names of who my "them's" are) ... ? .... Anyhoo, if everything is going to be exploitive about my life, I'm glad that I was put out of some pain by getting more of my stalkers and harassers found out about. I'm not surprised that Brandon and Jeremy are the ones who are being looked at. Is it that they would intentionally set you up to lead me on, or you are in on it with them in their juvenile behavior? The media sure doesn't make the news come across that you are "with them." Brandon was my neighbor back in the day and I know how much of an intentional tormentor he was. He was the very first person I swore at and told to "go to hell." While I have a good idea of Brandon and Jeremy and what they could be out to do; I think there are more details that I'd rather not know. How much power and authority were they given over me? I'm already damaged and murderous at the way my life has gone to waste because of the some authorities and what the authorities have already done. Some things are better off not knowing..... While you gear to play it safer with me knowing you aren't out to torment me like Jeremy and Brandon, you're still not safe enough. You may drop it with the testing and the torment in wanting a bisexual open relationship, but I don't trust that you never cheated yourself. I'm not sure how much you could have betrayed me, but I just don't like the cheating game for what it is and I'm still continuing to give up on you. You have your own way of losing your interest in me and seem to not like the type of person I am. I'd rather be rejected than you try to control me. I probably have embarrassed you, but I'm really not sorry. I'm looking out for myself and know I have already had to deal with enough misery and knowing the things that will and won't make me a happy camper. While you seem to let go in some ways, you are shady in your persistence and cheating. I can't tell how much you give up on me or not. You look very persistent in some instances, and although you are persistent, you just don't have me won enough. If you wanted to keep the love alive; there isn't enough love from my end. I know it takes two to tango, and I am mostly walking away.

Hi David

Just got through the second season of "Californication." It was sad to see the rocker dude die. He reminds me of Chris Cornell a little and a little like Justin the DJ too. lol. No. I got through the first half of "Twin Peaks." At first I wasn't sure if I got the right movie, but I guess you will be in the second DVD. So, the movie was done in the 90s and not intended to make a pass to me at the time. But since you do have some of your made up roles, why not have used that to keep me baited more? lol ha. I still don't completely understand the whole transvestite thing. Most of the time I have taken it as playfulness. I even took it as playfulness when I was hanging out with Jimmy Fallon at the time. But, there were things he was offensive over, disagreements we had, and his moments of being a mysterious creeper. However, there have been times where I was made to take a sick beating and where it was meant as an offensive insult. You have me convinced that you are baiting me with a playful compliment of being my number 1 fan. lol. It really is hard to believe that you would be so gungho sold on me. ...... I'm seeing more arbitrage and a probable and impossible gossip. Maybe your ex wants you back or you have some more women after you, or other people are confused with who is talking to who. .. Dillon, TJ, and Amelia. I was really creeped out the other night at work. I am assuming that TJ is being the biggest loyal dog for Amelia, and I don't appreciate his creepiness and probable crackhead threats. Whatever they are full of is whatever they are full of. It isn't my fault that they would keep themselves fucked in their own capitalism and shares the way they do. I'm not sorry for one thing I've said against Stacy. I was never close to Amelia and really never cared to make any kind of connection. I have no apology to TJ or Dillon with whatever bad guy they want me to be. Dillon. It really doesn't look like he is going in the direction of wanting to make the bad guy of me. He is another who has an AIDs label on him. I know I don't know that truth either and I'm not sure what to say with the baby pass. Well, I guess if it was him who was wanting to walk the tight rope from one tower to another, Dillon won't make it on my tight rope. I'm still the most interested in you. If Dillon does want to win with me and have my baby he has to be a better convincer and use the stairs. .... I really don't like it when there is a lot of gossip in the dark, when I don't know what to believe, and when I am especially defenselessly forced into making a choice when I know I am unsure of information. In my social world, it is always better to ask than assume. People do make the mistake of terrible judgments, assumptions, and gossip and the most terrible have no shame and expect everything to be a cake walk regardless of their foul mouth. ... I am so glad I have your emotional support against Dillon. It did come from Rob too. He is just as guilty in the arbitrage. I know I don't care about Rob like that though. I'm glad you care to continue to score more points with me. Although I have my hesitancies with how much of a wanted ladies man you are; I can only force myself to stay confident for you. My other main hesitancy is with the HIV virus. I am getting a physical soon. I can't help but stay attracted and clingy with you but am I in the right mind to continue to lead you on back in any which way when it comes to being in a relationship? Am I in the right mind to play with our sexual fire? I don't know how to slap myself in the face and wouldn't trust a person who thinks they could do it in the right way for several reasons. My Mecca has always been too hard for anyone to control. I have Skype now. Just recently got it and have never used it before. I don't know if you would be comfortable in having a private conversation over the web, but if you ever did want to make a better connection... Don Drapers Don Drapers, will or can they ever see or beat the social barrier challenge? Why do some Don Drapers lead on or try to go for it?

3000, Man who takes his time/ Man of mystery......

"Not about making out in the backseat." lol ....... I really feel left to guess more than anything. You could have your mind made up or you could be playing the game. Credibility, credibility. At first, you could have seemed to be in the Senate for Jon or Shawn. Some other possible men at some other random times. ..... Maybe you are out to get your ex wife back, or showing more seriousness for your "2nd" one. ... I don't want Jon back in the most extreme, indefinite NO way. Shawn may not be as bad as Jon, but I know he can be a totalitarian and has his own way of getting sick and murderous. Shawn has just fucked things up way too much and any chances of us ever being in a relationship are beyond repair. I think he is one to be more scared of for the obvious local reason. We may have more of a likeliness of happening to bump into the other while out at the market, but it's not like he would publicly make a big move to jump me or anything. ...... I wonder a little how much you could be included in some of my history. I know I don't know your personal timeline. I'm sorry if you have and I missed out on you and was totally clueless. It's not that you would never have been attractive enough. If I don't see a guy on my radar; I just don't. If you did have a past issue with me, I'm not really sure what your issues are. I know I've used the term through "hell or highwater" before, but it is a phrase anyone could use really. I'm not sure what all gossip was going on. It wasn't SNL that was just being the commie either. I'm not too ashamed of the drama queen I was. It was a big deal to have been put on the spot and the center of attention in so many ways. I never knew where the half of it came from or what it all actually even was. I was talked about in several different ways, and I couldn't stand just how possessive people were in manipulations, blackmails, and thinking they had me owned. I just don't get the exploit of it all or how some people could have such a god complex and totalitarian nerve.... In your recent video, it almost looks like you could have been sharing a conversation with Justin and Dillon. Dillon wasn't really around for that long. Justin is a different story. But Dillon seems to be a member of your band. lol. Besides the blow with Rob Lowe, I did see a few other signs, but I just didn't like Dillon's approach. He seemed to be more into 2 or 3 of the other girls and I lost my will to care after awhile...... 3,000 steps... There have been times where I become more impatient and pressuring than other times. When I had my share with MIA "Paper Planes," a lot of it had to do with "500 Days of Summer" and the Stockholm structure. If you had your own way of wanting to court and get to know me, I really think it is sweet. After a certain period of time and living under a certain kind of dominance, it gets the better of me. Why don't I ever see this man in person? Why don't I ever go on any real dates? I'm sorry to say I'm no virgin to the Stockholm structured courtship, but I have been in a lot of relationships like that where I have never seriously not ever met the person that I had been "seeing" for a long period of time. It is why I have extra pressure. Some men have their own extents of being chauvinistic; strict with their own social rules; double standards; cheaters. Too many men never knew how to have a real conversation or connection and then go ape shit over my gossip or way I had to put my thoughts or ventilations out there. They just didn't get their unfairness, chauvinism, double standards, and prejudices and further expect me not to be mad or upset like it was nothing. ...... I'm not the type to use a reputation against a person too much. I guess you aren't the Hank Moody you could be biased to be. Why did you have to go and say "Daniel Craig," is one of the least attractive James Bonds? Are you really the beauty contest type? lol I do find him to be an attractive man. There is some positivity that you could be getting jealous over me. You have your own cliquishness that I don't know about where you obviously would favor Jon over Bond, but I like Bond better. I think I was an under dog to Daniel Craig at one time but he seems pretty serious about staying faithful to his wife. You make me wonder what that little explosion was. You are my main man and center of attention. I think about you often. The thing you need to worry about is how long your 3,000 steps are going to take and keeping me convinced and attached. Of all the times I had to go along with a structured Stockholm, not one man came across the finish line in having a normal and person in person relationship. Although I had my own drama and issues it was like who was I trying to kid for the last time a long time ago that any of those relationships would ever come to pass?

My Booty Wurk

David, are you really that jealous for me with "Othelo?" Awe. Daniel Craig is married. lol. So, I can't deny the long term fan I've been, that I've had a crush on, and that I've always been a Bond fanatic. lol David, you're funny. So, I won't lie or deny being a Bond fan, but you are still my number 1 man. I did see the Carrie Underwood pass. (I've noticed I'm not the only one who look like her). I have been feeling a little more doubtful lately. I have more jealous suspensions and was getting mad at the signs I saw. 2 commercials to guess Jessica and either Bree Ann or Zoey. I've also had paranoid suspicions with you with Stacy. ...... You should know by now that I have a forever hate against both Stacy and Bree Ann. While I was never around when Jessica was, she probably could have been as much as a problem as Stacy and Bree Ann. I don't personally trust her, and I especially dislike her with the idea of her being another one of your girlfriends. I really am upset about it all. If you are being a serious cheater, is it really that you're at least more sensitive to being a cheater or do you mean to be cruel? I don't know David, good signs and bad signs. Although you could have an unfair double standard where you are out to cheat and play games where you see us as official where there is nothing wrong with you cheating and there is with me.....?....... I'm still really infatuated to care too much or be anxious with you stringing me along. Time may eventually get the better of me if there is no normal relationship and we don't spend actual in person time together like a normal couple would. I'm glad I see some good signs, but I have such doubts with us being in a real relationship. It matters that you care and that you would be jealous if I did have a thing or cheat on you with someone else. But, is it fair for you to continue to keep stringing me along or keeping me on the shelf when you may possibly never come around for a normal relationship?

As the Sarah Turns

Are you really keeping an eye on me with your binoculars Trevor? ....... Yeah, I think I'm still at a square one with you and David, and now much lesser with David. I think you could be just as much as a womanizer as David, but I just don't know you enough Trevor. Some things I just won't know until I do. .... I saw that "Aloha" movie today. I'm sorry if there was a time you could have gotten carried away with me in believing in some kind of made up relationship. I know a different way Aloha could be taken when I was at Virginia Beach..... Anyhoo, I'm still not sure what to think of you. According to some people you don't have a good reputation. I'm still looking at you specifically with rose colored glasses. I am not into Brandon B. and could never see myself with him. He's not my type at all. Bradly Cooper has left a little bit of a juggernaut and fascist impression on me. You really seem to be something other than them. You seem to have a more sincere sexual attraction to me. (I never cared for Brandon's sexual attraction). If you are like the rest of the totalitarian rapist losers, I have been long fed up with them. I'm sick of their gang raping vanity and the way they live to threaten me. Why do some men even care or try to put up a front with me anymore when they know they don't care and are still the same vain wolf? Why won't some men understand the soon to be giveaway they are? Why do they think they win in their childish lies when they know they lose when their identity is discovered? It is so childish to intentionally pursue in their Tom Foolery. They have never had point to prove knowing they won't win in the end. I'm sick of their vain gang rape and THE REAL PEST THEY ARE. Trevor, you haven't strongly convinced me of anything enough. I guess if there were anything I could say don't waste your or my time if you know you are the same vain gang raping wolf the others are.

Is this a clumsy scene?

I remember the local farmer man character and the nightmare that I had that I still don't know how to explain. I cried, we kind of fell for each other and then everything disappeared. He looked like he was into someone else and left a bad and abandoned impression on me really. I guess with you David, I feel frustrated with the arbitrage and credibility issue. Do you give yourself the full credit of the farmer man? Or, are you wanting to pimp me back into the farmer man? Even when it comes to the wealthy, I can't stand the way they want to give themselves any or whatever name they want when they want. When I don't see the story or the story in you, I just don't. I DON'T WANT TO SEE IT IN YOU. If it was, you're just another man on the list who has betrayed me too and cheaply wants to get me back. You're the one who is fucking it up for yourself now. I wasn't out to break your heart with Steve or even with Trevor. If we already have some kind of story, you're going to have to accept that it was done behind my back and I really don't know what was said or what went on with you. The lists of "personal stories" THAT NEVER WERE because people talk way too much and too unfairly and give themselves their own bullshit credit. There is fun and games and playing, and then THERE IS BEING A SERIOUSLY CORRUPT AND UNFAIR PIG. What murderous intent do you have to say to my face? Were you out to make the biggest lesbian out of me because I wasn't ever going to cave into chauvinism and suck it? Are you out to rip on my body or keep me sexually threatened? What betrayer are you and just how easy do you think I am? This is what you get for making me wonder the way you make me wonder.

Trevor, Military Man from Morgantown

I'm pretty sure you told me your name was Trevor. We talked about travel and survival man when I was working at After12 and a creepy Justin look alike was with you. I see you everywhere in the arbitrage. I know I don't really know what is going on with you but I see you everywhere. I see your red flags too. What can I say off of a few things? You have some of my interest and look like you are very interested in me too..... Someone or yourself is calling you "Jim" right now. It isn't good to be called Jim. There is a specific Jim who made himself on my bad side for life. To me, you personally haven't come across as a Jim that I can see. You have come across as a player playing a dangerous game who looks like he is into me. I don't know how you found me out and I don't know how intentional of a man you are to play me with my enemies. I really don't have any expectation of you. I think I look like I am quiet and soft to you and see myself as that and I have no explanation of my quietness and softness. I am mostly interested in David right now and plan on continuing to let the ball roll with him. I don't intentionally set myself up as a player and am not presently out to mean harm with anyone. You know you are a player. I question how much of a player David is. I am single and my sights are mostly focused on David right now. I guess I am repeating a lot of facts back to you but have some kind of feedback. I didn't like the way I felt like I was leaving you in the cold too much, but that is all there really is to say right now on my end. I'm not sure what is down the road a month or several months from now. I live each day as it comes with my own ambitions.

Thinking of you

I feel so trapped I could cry. Maybe you want to keep me guessing if you were out to get me. If I get led on by a number of famous people why not be led on by you? Why not hop back on the horse and believe that someone like you would be serious about me and serious about being in a relationship? Unless you had an instant way to put me out of my misery, I guess I could let myself try to have my own way of sticking with you. Sometimes, it really feels good to have someone to love and in this case I'm stunned at just how ideal of a man to love you are.... I've had my fits, embarrassments, and made some enemies. Did you love me from the start? If so, do you feel you have an evolution of feelings? Would I ever actually fit in with you and your fellow minions? Your literal class of wealth? How much do I belong? ............ I'm not always the best in the arbitrage, mine or others radar, and believing when something is real when my mind is messed with or ppl get in my head. If you are in my head, I'm shy to say or ask if what I think I'm seeing or feeling is real? I could really see myself making passionate love to you. The arbitrage.. A mind game where we are married divorced and I'm both the divorcee and the mistress. (Ben, Jennifer, and Jennifer)I don't like my head being messed with too much. I don't always know who likes to mess with my head either. Media games, eh oy ick; very questionable and unbelievable. .... I did watch "Minions," today with Mitzi. We had a good time. It was cute and funny. I havn't seen Despicable Me 2 yet and will have to add that to my queue. Were you really hiding in plain sight? Is this the first time I am a fool to this trick that I've never been so fooled with? I know Shawn isn't the real character you are. Are you really out to get me?...... I remember my past manager and I seriously don't think you are being evil with giving him your credit. I remember some said things and that there was a serious way he was chasing me. I know I have him rejected (it could still be possible he was speaking for someone else and he wasn't being serious about giving me the credit), but I'm not sold into believing you seriously are being that serious with me. I will say that I feel led on, and I'm not sure what it is you really want. You're the center of attention of my radar now....

Random Thoughts

Busy Busy Busy. and too much rain. I'm so upset at how much it has been raining. Even on the 4th it will be raining. I know summer is not over, but is seems like it has rained and will rain in a one month total of time. No swimming, playground or other random outdoorsy stuff. Too much cabin fever for Mitzi and I. Today may be a day of no rain. ...... Not too much talk about drama for now. I have been trying out a website to make more money off of stripping and ran into another first with something. I had a little bit of a difficult time in reacting to it, but then when I was made to guess at someone, I became so upset. I'm still not 100% sure who I got flashed with. It was all fun and games until someone wanted to be serious about putting a name to a mystery person's faceless face. I don't care, I'm going to keep using the website anyway. .... Last night was a different night with my usual job. We all went to another strip club where a huge party was being thrown. Some girls from DC came in. They had an interesting show. Last summer our club usually had one feature per month and this is the first time in a long time that a club brought a feature in. I like being around a club when it is busy. ....... Other than that, there is not a whole lot going on.

Summertime Heat

I remember the first name of the heart Dr. but not the last. While some could know or find out who he is, I need to think of a nickname anyway. ... I'll call him Dr. M for now I suppose. I have only seen him one time. If I ran into him in public, I might not recognize him. It is the next major thought I'm pondering: am I actually going to ever see him in person again? Usually when a guy breaks into my head, it is just a Stockholm all talk kind of thing. Sometimes a seemingly chastised arranged marriage or relationship. How can some people sometimes expect to keep the other person hooked? Anyway, I don't think he is thinking along the lines of chastity. Although he could have a major share with Barilla, he keeps me guessing with who he could really be. My best guess right now is that other men have noticed he is into me, and either want to embarrass him or put him under another kind of different pressure. I know it is Dr. M I am looking at and giving the credit to. While he could have a very open sexuality, I know I don't know what he is real life style choices are. In some ways he seems like he is really moving in on me, and I feel weak and imprisoned to him. I am very seduced and if he wanted to have me he could. I know he has a meanness that I don't completely understand. I haven't completely caught onto him yet. I'm available, but I don't know entirely what to make of him or how long I will stay hooked. I'm not the stalking type and if he wanted to meet me, he would have to come find me or try to connect to meet me.

"Snookie Talk"

Don't know how much of a speak of the devil by speaking to the devil this is with you about Jon. I do believe that Jon is the bigger devil. There is just no breaking through to Jon. He was an extremely vain and prejudiced man where I was at the butt end of everything often. I don't care that I could be betraying his trust. He deserves hell and that much more and I know most of my gossip isn't anywhere near hell or comparable to his hell. .... I saw another sign last night that either Chance wants to reach me through you as a symbol, or someone is telling me you are a lot like Chance. Chance is a pretty unfair guy. While I could say I don't know him, I think I instinctively do. He is VERY chauvinistic, prejudiced, and biased. He is very subjective and thinks there is nothing wrong with it. He is set in his bias and prejudice where his victim is expected to beg or fight for his respect, AKA "sucking it." The reason that I was fired out of a lot of jobs and have the job I have now is because of men and people like him. You made a good impression on me in "Your Highness." I don't like that I have to question you as "Chance." .... I think Jon is nothing but a continued repetitive conquestial act. He can't break himself. There is no breaking through to his mind. A lot of times, I don't like to feel controlled or paranoid by his structure if I sleep with whatever guy I feel like sleeping with. He has so many fallacies and judgment as to what the sex means and makes up his own bullshit of what the "giving yourself up," is. He has a fucked up mind that never ceases to make a person feel harassed or paranoid. I've been lied about with Jon and his other desperately retarded judgmental bitches too much. He tried to own me too much in so many other ways too. He will never comprehend how much he has broken my heart in his sense of hierarchy and subjective slave labor. He has never changed. There is no breaking through to his dominant, one-sided, slave laboring mind. He is nothing but a terrorizing pig. He does have OCD in domination games and who gets the credit for what. He lets a lot of egocentric crackheads win. There is no such thing as doing something out of your own free will and someone else is always the "queen" "king" or "leader." There is someone he always sets to subject you to because GOD FORBID IN THE WORST TOTALITARIAN WAY THAT ANYONE LIVE IN THEIR OWN LIBERTY AND FREEDOM. I really do think Jon Stewart specifically (and in this entire writing) is jealous of me for the extremely mean way he has always been demeaning and controlling to me. He has such a violent prejudice and has never stopped bullying me or challenging me to his self or someone else. Although I'm not a serious narc, Jon will be the reason that I look like the biggest narcissist of anyone. There is no breaking through to him and his rapist rudeness. He has always been subjective like this. He has never stopped threatening me, trying to change or control me. He is the reason that he has always been the hated man that he is of mine. He is my rapist trash heap nigger.

Feel like a Rant

Personally, I don't like to rant/bitch/complain often. I have always thought that ~actions speak louder than words along with accuracy~ is most important. Every once in awhile, I don't mind to self-indulge in my personal rants. I hate pigs. I hate people who forget the basics. I hate people who have no common sense. I hate when a person refuses to be refused and won't accept the rape that it is. I hate that person's further lies to try to protect whatever sick entitlement they have. I hate people who are intentionally provoking of their own violent piggishness or stupidity. I hate people who are too arrogant and/or too vain. I hate crack heads. I hate crack heads who forget the crack heads that they are and when they can't see their paranoia, insecurities, bad judgment, and terrible threats and violence. I hate the nerve some crack heads have, the traps they get themselves stuck in, and the way they expect to be babied. It is tough to decide if I hate pigs more than I hate crack heads. I know pigs can be a crack head too. I think I definitely hate pigs more. While I have expressed my hate for pigs; I have never expressed my hate for crack heads until now. It has been long overdue. I don't know everyone who is a crack head and I mostly will never care to know who all of the crack heads are. Jon Stewart is one specific crack head I can hate on until the cows come home. I don't think he will ever understand the unfortunate man that he is because he is both a pig and a crack head. I don't want to know of any other crack head celebrity pigs or want to be involved with any because I know the ability to be rescued from such mad men are slim to none. I think the president and military have made such a terrible mistake of who's life should be put on the line, and that the bread winners will always be the most protected. Call me jealous; I don't care. I understand the unfairness that it is. I know actual professionals can't always be trusted either. There are too many lies out there where if a professional who had a heart of gold would try to resolve, they would never have the time. A lot of different factoids add up, and nobody likes to feel obsessed over even if someone were willing to help. (I guess some are more egocentric than others where they want that much attention). I just can't stand people who still have never understood their own levels and extents of being judgmental, hypocritical, loyal, and enslaving. While some are not guilty of all of the above, they can still be guilty of a few and have their own severities of guilt. Sometimes, I feel like I am the last person alive who has any sense of fairness or common sense. How could some people just not look themselves in the mirror and realize what their actions are? How could some people feel so deserving or have some of the expectations that they do? How could some people forget the fundamentals and basics? How could some people feel that they are rightful or right? Who are some people trying to kid with their sloppy and desperate judgment? Who are some people trying to kid that they deserve to be in control or have a large extent of control over someone?

Giving up on you

First thought? The whole referee ordeal. It isn't that I'm out to have an OCD fit. I'm tight, but I'm not desperately uptight. Although it matters that I have my side of the story and my own judgment calls, my agenda is not always guessed out the right way. I am mostly as simple as having a conversation, and using my instincts and intuition. While some men can be flamboyant chauvinist pigs, other men care to save face. It isn't that men are always being egocentric, and chauvinistic pigs. Some are easier to spot than others. The further complications are the details of the who, where, and what. Whether or not I am working the pole and stripping, and whether or not I care is a factor. I am there for the money and have my own tolerances when it comes to putting up with chauvinistic pigs. I am tight, but not desperately uptight....... Besides all of that; I feel it's time for me to give up on you now. I was just trying to tease and play with you when you mentioned the 50% of men to women ratio the other day, but you take it personally and also seem to make me want to take you as a creeper more seriously. "Controversy and protection of a knee injury." Man Colin, that was pretty raunchy, degrading, and chauvinistic. Is it that you are a part of Medvedev's small boob hater: "suck it or die" gang rape? It seems some men will never understand the severity of the sexual offense and hatred. That was way too harsh and way too severe. I know I can be sexual and a horndog, but I'm not fighting for my survival like that. You're just another trickster predator that was out to get me all along? That was a big blow. It's not my fault that you led me on to begin with. You could have written me off or rejected me in another way. bye.

Colin

Hey hot stuff! Right now I'm a little more down compared to other days, and not all of my negative emotions are meant for you to take personally that I know of. I've been stressed for awhile, and my stress levels are high. Sometimes, I feel like I could just die. I've always had too many creepers, terrorists, and haters to deal with. I missed a typical weeks pay because of the crazy work situation. I have an expensive car repair that is already overdue and yet to be done. My daughter has a birthday coming up, plus there is Easter. Most importantly, is her and I getting out of this house and having a place of our own. That is the biggest burning stressor. I don't even know where I want to go. Is it really worth it to me to move to Morgantown when I don't even know how long I'll be stripping for? I could do it for another year or a little more, but I never planned for Morgantown to be our long-term destination. Cumberland definitely isn't either. It is hard to plan on a move, where the rest of everything else is up in the air. Taking a vacation this summer with Mitzi is really important to me too. Life is tough and although there is a future to try to be hopeful for, I just feel like I could die sometimes.............. You are burning to know about how much of an "old fart," I think you are. haha. No. You know you know you are attractive. By the time you reach 70, you'll probably be the one who wants to go for an even younger woman than me. I'll be 50, and you'll want another 30 or even 20 year old. With your wealth and life savings, you'll be able to afford a prostitute if you can't find someone else. And me? That will be the time I'll just let you dump me and I'll either be a cougar, find someone else my age, or if there is another attractive old fart who wants a younger older, I may go for him. lol. Personally, I don't think it would be too bad to be stuck with an older man compared to being a single mom. It isn't always easy being a single mom. I guess it depends on how controlling of a person you are. I'd hope you wouldn't have a grandpa approach and keep her spoiled too much.(no further comment on my present life's reality). Although my independent lifestyle isn't the best, I'd want her to have and survive one on her own. That is a rough draft of what I think about the whole age issue with you and I. ........ Don't be too hard on yourself and your age. I think I could need you. Have a good day Colin. xo

Cabin Fever

Besides all of my problems and troubles staying the same, this week has been a rough week. My workplace has been closed down due to a water pipe break. While I enjoy some of the time off, it is too much time off, and I hate the pressure of being broke. It sets my plans back even further. I drove the distance last night to check out other clubs and see what they are like but they were closed because of the weather. Even if the pipe was fixed today at my regular club, I wouldn't be able to make it today because of the weather. I've been pretty bummed about the whole thing. The best thing about it is, is spending time with Mitzi. I hate that I can't seem to get out though. It is starting to drive me insane. I'm hoping to be back to work on Friday.