I keep working on.
Work that I barely get paid for.
I am a little happy that I did make a few bucks this week. Of course it is not close enough to a regular paid or even minimum wage job. I should be grateful, but the person that would stand up to say: "Things could always be worse," I wonder if the antagonists would ever keep their mouth shut?
There were 2 different events and one consignment and am influenced to seek more consignment shops. Still, it would not be enough to make a living off of. I have my own level of satisfaction in being a crafter, but I hate being poor. Such a pricy investment, but it gives me something to do.
I'm in so much pain waiting to find a job.
In man drama, it could be my oppressive/depressive state of being, or it may never end with how things work.
There is talk with some guys that come and go. Some good, some bad, sometimes feeling misunderstood, sometimes not knowing how to understand others. Sometimes, I think it is just talk, maybe b.s. or false testing that will never happen. Sometimes, maybe I'm just forgotten about or given a rain check.
Michael Ian's book was pretty interesting. It definitely had some vulgar and raunchy things in it. But besides some focuses of raunchiness, I like how he thinks outloud to himself. Maybe it is his own MIA cry against the matrix and his brainstorm is his own personal way of feeling he defeats what the system controls where himself and other people can't. I think esp from where he is from, he probably feels it more compared to a suburb. I like his van idea. Maybe an idea already thought of/ typical/ or cliche, but not everything in life has to be purely, personally invented. I like that common idea we share where it is no big deal to enjoy or take pleasure of something typical. Do I really seek a runaway van? With how my real life is going, it sounds like the closest thing to relieving some of my pain. I feel I deserve a regular, steady job and be treated as a normal person. When actions speak louder than words, people can not argue that it is my fault. I'm usually the scapegoat anyway. I'm not intentionally out to find a married man, nor do I want to be a slut the rest of my life. I really do want to be married and have kids. But when life goes the way it goes, taking some risks that would ordinarily feel pointless or absurd, doesn't seem even a risk at the end of it all. So, joyride for me, not sure if I bust a bubble of the thrill if the thought really was meant to be sincere and literal. Not something I would want to live in the rest of my life. Vancation.
Not sure about Jim. I have a gist that he is competing against me in several ways and making assumptions and I feel misread by Amish Jim. I did tell him I never forced him to love me or do anything. If he really is responsible in the matrix for taking action to harass or attack me, I really don't understand his point. Maybe he's trying to prove something to whoever he is with that he doesn't like me at all.
In other guesses, I guess my Aunt Lisa and Joe are getting together where I am once again being made a major scapegoat for the purpose of having some kind of definition or molding in their relationship: it is based off of hating me. They really can't sing: "you're so vain," to me after already have taken so much action to be arrogant, hateful, piggish, and attacking. I'm not necessarily telling them to break up, I'm simply saying: why should I have to suffer for their sake? Base the relationship off of something other than making me their scapegoat. How could they call that love for each other?
Dane hasn't given me a reason to say anything to him today. I can't see a lot that is going on in his world, but I do what I can to look out for myself. I don't care what some people are going to say with wigger to wigger. After everything has already happened, I really do not care what I look like to other people. Because he does care about his ego, I wouldn't be surprised if he made every effort to look the best he could. Maybe he'll get confused by his own ego with: what really is going to make him look good?
Van or no van, I have no other choice but to keep doing what I do: look for jobs and work at crafts and make effort to keep myself skinny. I do have some level of personal satisfaction/achievement.
Sunday, July 31, 2011
Friday, July 29, 2011
Another Info Overload
There are lists of things that piss me off. I could talk all day about just how many things there are in life that pisses me off. It seems that some people would want to make a living of it.
In one positive light that isn't the most positive thing in the world, are some shows that I watch. I was surprised last night when I saw what some people had to say. Like I said, there will always be some that dump some kind of shit on me, but I really was surprised by what some other people had to say.
On Louie, I am having a little confusion with the capitalism and shares. Does he represent one person, or two? There are only 2 assumptions I have. It was an awkward show. The last show I watched was awkward as well, and if I was connected, I remained anorexic to the connection. But the thing I appreciate, he treats me like a normal human being. I feel like I am being treated like myself even if the painting isn't exactly how I see myself. It makes me feel like the free, independent human being that I should be acknowledged and recognized as, and there are not many people who want to see me as being free or independent. My poor vulnerability is taken to the extreme where some people assume I am to be extremely dependent on them. Sometimes, I think some people want to know some truths and the feeling of release could be compared to accupuncture. Sometimes, the incompetence that some people feel trapped with can be painful and compared to an oil rig. I feel a little bad for the awkwardness and if there is embarassment. I feel a little embarassed. But, even if I don't completely see the entire story in agreement, I think it is handled cooly, and with more normalcy or down to earth.
For the character Louie, in one of my assumptions, I really am confused about his ultimate agenda. I have a hazy memory of one time of him hating me and I question if he is another person who wants me to die, or if in time, has gotten over it and has a whole new mindset or different route in life. As for being in a relationship with how the conversation goes, I would have to say I agree yes and no. I feel a little sorry because I don't know how awkward the straight-forward exploit really makes him feel. It is down to earth, yet isn't because of the fact of it being a catty exploit. I wonder why he calls me Pamela. I feel flattered and think it is nice, but after the simmed feedback, I have confidence in him that he has a lot of fish in the sea and plenty of good opportunities in life.
Wilfred. Nothing too eventful, but I had a couple of laughs in last night's episode.
I really hate answering to people with everything I have in me. For the millionth time, who do some people think they are?
I see how life is set up and can be framed for people to be suspicious of the love I had for Dane and how some people could assume I'm going for my sister's husband David. No David. With how socialism goes, I technically should be sorry for you and take it easy on you, but I'm not. Stop being desperate. I get you have a gangster love for my sister, but with the rest of the things I have to put up with, I'm tired of the abuse. I'm anorexic to all accusations and sexual victimization games that you and other dumb ogres are desperate to dump on me. I'm fed up. Dane may have similar characteristics, and I hate that he does, and I've already had my own personal reasons to hate him. BUT when I talk to Dane, I talk to Dane. He represents himself. It is from me to him personally.
Speaking of, I did see one article where a guy shot himself for his girlfriend. In the matrix, I really don't understand how it adds up or gets interpreted in my world. Is it Dane? Did he connect himself to Dominic Cooper and he bites the bullet of the bad man? I could be guessing wrong with who my Jordan is. I will wait for further confirmation. Usually, it isn't loud with men and they would rather be deceptive or lying. It would take time to make my mind up. But, I also remember some other things and I just can't let myself be so forgiving this time around. My predictions are that I will probably have to take a few more hits for my un-nurturing small boobs and be the inadequate one. I've been toughing it out.
There are still some other guys I'm curious about.
As for last night on Fallon, I did pick up on a couple of hints. I'm just not comfortable in going there with one particular guy yet. I'm already agitated enough at how many different forms of hate I have to put up with, including some judgement. I just don't have the patience for what I think he is expecting. I may eventually have a bipolar moment with hands in the air to say, "oh WTF" but right now, my heart really isn't set on letting myself go easy on him.
I don't know who my "Brad," is or how seriously I should take some kind of arranged marriage. I see marriage talk all of the time, but a lot of it is so far away for me to be seriously decisive.
Speaking of, I finished reading Angelina's biography. I thought it was interesting and learned some interesting things about her. While I think it is foolish for a person to place security in knowledge, I do have a little more peace of mind with some of the things I read about. I was bothered when reading about "Salt." I think she gave me an insult that I don't know how to take. Whether she loves or hates me, she's always been a celebrity that I've been a fan of. I think I recently read that her and Brad are officially going to get married in France somewhere. Even though she is extremely wealthy, I still feel inspired in my own world to keep on living through life. She had her own suicidal times and a lot of reasons to be depressed (but still plenty of reasons to be happy). I thought it was interesting to read about her relationships and gave me a little hope in my world, that it really is a diverse world. Sometimes, I feel stuck with so many closed-minded, bigoted, or desperate people, and her story is a reminder that not everyone is closed-minded. I think though the odds are different for me when it comes to actual financial class: not many people are really going to be comparitively fair with me. It is rare for some people to be fair to begin with. Even though I may have very little that could compare me and her, in my own way while reading, I felt a little less alone in the world.
I can't keep up with all media. There is a lot out there and there are various times where there is too much or too little. I also hate how the statement is taken advantage of where people manipulate it into their own slave labor.
I'm looking forward to this weekend. I'm anxious to make some sales and have two days this weekend to sell some of my stuff. I hate that I've been too broke to be making more, but maybe money and time will eventually catch up. Still looking for jobs and hate the feelings of despair.
In one positive light that isn't the most positive thing in the world, are some shows that I watch. I was surprised last night when I saw what some people had to say. Like I said, there will always be some that dump some kind of shit on me, but I really was surprised by what some other people had to say.
On Louie, I am having a little confusion with the capitalism and shares. Does he represent one person, or two? There are only 2 assumptions I have. It was an awkward show. The last show I watched was awkward as well, and if I was connected, I remained anorexic to the connection. But the thing I appreciate, he treats me like a normal human being. I feel like I am being treated like myself even if the painting isn't exactly how I see myself. It makes me feel like the free, independent human being that I should be acknowledged and recognized as, and there are not many people who want to see me as being free or independent. My poor vulnerability is taken to the extreme where some people assume I am to be extremely dependent on them. Sometimes, I think some people want to know some truths and the feeling of release could be compared to accupuncture. Sometimes, the incompetence that some people feel trapped with can be painful and compared to an oil rig. I feel a little bad for the awkwardness and if there is embarassment. I feel a little embarassed. But, even if I don't completely see the entire story in agreement, I think it is handled cooly, and with more normalcy or down to earth.
For the character Louie, in one of my assumptions, I really am confused about his ultimate agenda. I have a hazy memory of one time of him hating me and I question if he is another person who wants me to die, or if in time, has gotten over it and has a whole new mindset or different route in life. As for being in a relationship with how the conversation goes, I would have to say I agree yes and no. I feel a little sorry because I don't know how awkward the straight-forward exploit really makes him feel. It is down to earth, yet isn't because of the fact of it being a catty exploit. I wonder why he calls me Pamela. I feel flattered and think it is nice, but after the simmed feedback, I have confidence in him that he has a lot of fish in the sea and plenty of good opportunities in life.
Wilfred. Nothing too eventful, but I had a couple of laughs in last night's episode.
I really hate answering to people with everything I have in me. For the millionth time, who do some people think they are?
I see how life is set up and can be framed for people to be suspicious of the love I had for Dane and how some people could assume I'm going for my sister's husband David. No David. With how socialism goes, I technically should be sorry for you and take it easy on you, but I'm not. Stop being desperate. I get you have a gangster love for my sister, but with the rest of the things I have to put up with, I'm tired of the abuse. I'm anorexic to all accusations and sexual victimization games that you and other dumb ogres are desperate to dump on me. I'm fed up. Dane may have similar characteristics, and I hate that he does, and I've already had my own personal reasons to hate him. BUT when I talk to Dane, I talk to Dane. He represents himself. It is from me to him personally.
Speaking of, I did see one article where a guy shot himself for his girlfriend. In the matrix, I really don't understand how it adds up or gets interpreted in my world. Is it Dane? Did he connect himself to Dominic Cooper and he bites the bullet of the bad man? I could be guessing wrong with who my Jordan is. I will wait for further confirmation. Usually, it isn't loud with men and they would rather be deceptive or lying. It would take time to make my mind up. But, I also remember some other things and I just can't let myself be so forgiving this time around. My predictions are that I will probably have to take a few more hits for my un-nurturing small boobs and be the inadequate one. I've been toughing it out.
There are still some other guys I'm curious about.
As for last night on Fallon, I did pick up on a couple of hints. I'm just not comfortable in going there with one particular guy yet. I'm already agitated enough at how many different forms of hate I have to put up with, including some judgement. I just don't have the patience for what I think he is expecting. I may eventually have a bipolar moment with hands in the air to say, "oh WTF" but right now, my heart really isn't set on letting myself go easy on him.
I don't know who my "Brad," is or how seriously I should take some kind of arranged marriage. I see marriage talk all of the time, but a lot of it is so far away for me to be seriously decisive.
Speaking of, I finished reading Angelina's biography. I thought it was interesting and learned some interesting things about her. While I think it is foolish for a person to place security in knowledge, I do have a little more peace of mind with some of the things I read about. I was bothered when reading about "Salt." I think she gave me an insult that I don't know how to take. Whether she loves or hates me, she's always been a celebrity that I've been a fan of. I think I recently read that her and Brad are officially going to get married in France somewhere. Even though she is extremely wealthy, I still feel inspired in my own world to keep on living through life. She had her own suicidal times and a lot of reasons to be depressed (but still plenty of reasons to be happy). I thought it was interesting to read about her relationships and gave me a little hope in my world, that it really is a diverse world. Sometimes, I feel stuck with so many closed-minded, bigoted, or desperate people, and her story is a reminder that not everyone is closed-minded. I think though the odds are different for me when it comes to actual financial class: not many people are really going to be comparitively fair with me. It is rare for some people to be fair to begin with. Even though I may have very little that could compare me and her, in my own way while reading, I felt a little less alone in the world.
I can't keep up with all media. There is a lot out there and there are various times where there is too much or too little. I also hate how the statement is taken advantage of where people manipulate it into their own slave labor.
I'm looking forward to this weekend. I'm anxious to make some sales and have two days this weekend to sell some of my stuff. I hate that I've been too broke to be making more, but maybe money and time will eventually catch up. Still looking for jobs and hate the feelings of despair.
Monday, July 25, 2011
Anxiety
Today is a day I hate my figurative blindness.
Some man drama
Some men I don't know how to take
Some men, remind me continuously how much they watch me
I wish I knew more to be more decisive
Back to hate feeling blind
I will say once more, if it is Brandon B., I have seen him as a friend, and sometimes a brother. I'm pretty sure I've cussed him out a few times. If I am accused of being an affairee of his, I deny it. The Brandon at TGI Fridays represented himself in my eyes and was an asshole Jekyl and Hyde.
I'm still pissed with the experience of War of the Worlds with being caught by surprise just how much and not really sure how many people have been watching me.
Moscow? I feel blind. He is another man I have a strong hunch that wants to kill me. I'm not sure how I should take other people who could possibly represent him. I don't know if the man I met even represents himself or if it ends in some kind of capitalist mystery or one specific man. I don't know how to be waitful. I don't know what I should be expecting.
Perm?
I already see some responses for some of my complaints and as much as I hate some past experiences, can't help but feel a little awkward and anxious at how some other people may feel. I also feel uncomfortable over other people possibly being possessive or taking too much control. I will acknowledge that some people are taking action to do the right thing.
Will there be a big revenge or is it a time where nobody even cares to have such feelings?
Some man drama
Some men I don't know how to take
Some men, remind me continuously how much they watch me
I wish I knew more to be more decisive
Back to hate feeling blind
I will say once more, if it is Brandon B., I have seen him as a friend, and sometimes a brother. I'm pretty sure I've cussed him out a few times. If I am accused of being an affairee of his, I deny it. The Brandon at TGI Fridays represented himself in my eyes and was an asshole Jekyl and Hyde.
I'm still pissed with the experience of War of the Worlds with being caught by surprise just how much and not really sure how many people have been watching me.
Moscow? I feel blind. He is another man I have a strong hunch that wants to kill me. I'm not sure how I should take other people who could possibly represent him. I don't know if the man I met even represents himself or if it ends in some kind of capitalist mystery or one specific man. I don't know how to be waitful. I don't know what I should be expecting.
Perm?
I already see some responses for some of my complaints and as much as I hate some past experiences, can't help but feel a little awkward and anxious at how some other people may feel. I also feel uncomfortable over other people possibly being possessive or taking too much control. I will acknowledge that some people are taking action to do the right thing.
Will there be a big revenge or is it a time where nobody even cares to have such feelings?
Dreaming my life away
Although I am only credited as a dreamer, I mean from the bottom of my heart, how much I would cherish and appreciate a James Bond in my life. Yes, I think whole-heartedly I deserve to have a James Bond.
Of course, sometimes, people don't always get what they want in life.
Sometimes, life is not fair, never will be fair.
I've never been the type to use a person objectively against another person.
I've always thought independently.
I have noticed the way people observe my solitude and bicker and obsess relentlessly over it.
My mind has not shifted at all when it comes to using people.
But, if some people really want to take extreme actions and/or make extreme judgements, this is a clue to what I would want if my independence is refused and denied:
Sunday, July 24, 2011
Random Thoughts
Nothing really new this week.
Still waiting for such a long time for some sort of job response. I grow more and more impatient as time goes by.
I did make a totally new craft to experiment with in sales. I'm anxious to see how that will go. Maybe if I make enough small crafts with cheap prices I will at least have some sales and maybe eventually sell the more expensive items. I'm running out of ideas in my desperate wait to get a job.
I continue to look for life boats and hope to find at least a part time job somewhere in the meantime.
I went to the art walk this weekend. It was ok, but I've enjoyed the other ones better. More stores were open. It doesn't look like many people are into it this year.
Same old obsessive people with the same old obsessions and over analyzing.
waiting and waiting and waiting and waiting
I think I'm going to make this a lazy day and just watch the James Bond Marathon on TV. They usually do play the older movies but I wish there were some older movies that I havn't seen. Casino Royale has a piece of a happy memory of a catty and figurative acknowledgement even though I don't feel the entire story is a perfect match of truth. A figuratively comparitive action when I went to the cops and then the hospital. I'm still the scapegoat and underdog to this day despite attempts of justice in my life.
~Chicago rolls on~ I'm just hoping people will eventually start getting a better picture and better math. I may never be understood, but some people may have a reasonable understanding without being over obsessive or analytical.
Daniel Craig is so hot. Of course Pierce Brosnan is too. Some women would say James Bond is the ultimate or cheesy fantasy. I say James Bond is the cliche fantasy but a fantasy that is still considered a definite fantasy to want to indulge in. I guess on days when I think men are nothing but pigs and dumb ogres I wouldn't be so focused. On a lazy day where I'm too poor to go anywhere or do anything, how could I not let myself dream? All the James Bonds are still hot looking despite my mood swings.
The one dude that has been on AOL, the interior decorator named Carter or something, he kind of looks like Pierce Brosnan. It is funny how he reminds me of him.
Maybe I'll be a geek and do some reading today or come up with some sort of craft with the few materials I have left. I've been procrastinating on getting a website, but I'm too broke for even a website because I don't even have a steady flow of cash for after the free trial. So, I'm just going to have to keep procrastinating.
Still waiting for such a long time for some sort of job response. I grow more and more impatient as time goes by.
I did make a totally new craft to experiment with in sales. I'm anxious to see how that will go. Maybe if I make enough small crafts with cheap prices I will at least have some sales and maybe eventually sell the more expensive items. I'm running out of ideas in my desperate wait to get a job.
I continue to look for life boats and hope to find at least a part time job somewhere in the meantime.
I went to the art walk this weekend. It was ok, but I've enjoyed the other ones better. More stores were open. It doesn't look like many people are into it this year.
Same old obsessive people with the same old obsessions and over analyzing.
waiting and waiting and waiting and waiting
I think I'm going to make this a lazy day and just watch the James Bond Marathon on TV. They usually do play the older movies but I wish there were some older movies that I havn't seen. Casino Royale has a piece of a happy memory of a catty and figurative acknowledgement even though I don't feel the entire story is a perfect match of truth. A figuratively comparitive action when I went to the cops and then the hospital. I'm still the scapegoat and underdog to this day despite attempts of justice in my life.
~Chicago rolls on~ I'm just hoping people will eventually start getting a better picture and better math. I may never be understood, but some people may have a reasonable understanding without being over obsessive or analytical.
Daniel Craig is so hot. Of course Pierce Brosnan is too. Some women would say James Bond is the ultimate or cheesy fantasy. I say James Bond is the cliche fantasy but a fantasy that is still considered a definite fantasy to want to indulge in. I guess on days when I think men are nothing but pigs and dumb ogres I wouldn't be so focused. On a lazy day where I'm too poor to go anywhere or do anything, how could I not let myself dream? All the James Bonds are still hot looking despite my mood swings.
The one dude that has been on AOL, the interior decorator named Carter or something, he kind of looks like Pierce Brosnan. It is funny how he reminds me of him.
Maybe I'll be a geek and do some reading today or come up with some sort of craft with the few materials I have left. I've been procrastinating on getting a website, but I'm too broke for even a website because I don't even have a steady flow of cash for after the free trial. So, I'm just going to have to keep procrastinating.
Thursday, July 21, 2011
Yes, it depends.
So why am I more angry now compared to other times over the same lame issue? Because it depends on what person some things come from.
It does bother me to an extent, but I will never be the victim.
I've been jamming to Timberland pretty much all day for my own personal therapy for my anger.
This is now a more official time for people to seriously quit asking why I have a problem. This is pathetic. Another day where I feel so sorry for myself. Although I don't know where I can go from here, I still have not stopped in seeking to find ways in life. I'm refusing in my entire gut and entire being what is being slammed my way right now.
It is back to the South Park Brittany Spears episode where everybody stalks Brittany to tell her to commit suicide. I looked for the video, but I couldn't find it.
Simply put, life is ridiculous and I'm fed up with desperate haters.
How much longer.........................
I could scream for myself in so many ways. And no, when I relate the lyrics, I'm not making suggestions with other women. The lyrics are meant to match my anger. And another reminder, I say it for the sake of clear and honest communication, not because I feel "at the mercy of another."
so fed up with lies.
Congrats riggers on your oil collections today for you to hear my anger on how pathetic life is
Congrats to you
Good for you
Great
Good for you
It does bother me to an extent, but I will never be the victim.
I've been jamming to Timberland pretty much all day for my own personal therapy for my anger.
This is now a more official time for people to seriously quit asking why I have a problem. This is pathetic. Another day where I feel so sorry for myself. Although I don't know where I can go from here, I still have not stopped in seeking to find ways in life. I'm refusing in my entire gut and entire being what is being slammed my way right now.
It is back to the South Park Brittany Spears episode where everybody stalks Brittany to tell her to commit suicide. I looked for the video, but I couldn't find it.
Simply put, life is ridiculous and I'm fed up with desperate haters.
How much longer.........................
I could scream for myself in so many ways. And no, when I relate the lyrics, I'm not making suggestions with other women. The lyrics are meant to match my anger. And another reminder, I say it for the sake of clear and honest communication, not because I feel "at the mercy of another."
so fed up with lies.
Congrats riggers on your oil collections today for you to hear my anger on how pathetic life is
Congrats to you
Good for you
Great
Good for you
Wednesday, July 20, 2011
Heavy drama
Still lord of the flies
Still psychotic people everywhere
Still numbers of problems some known and some that are not defined. Mysteries for my "Dora," hurricane to solve. lol. cute, but irresolute.
Where am I?
Definitely not with ACC teachers. Still no respect. I havn't taken back a word I've said. I'm tired of their desperation. I'm tired of my Lord of the Fly desperation. I'm tired that people can't see that they desperately need a restraining order.
I'm anorexic to anything that is going on with Dane. I have a feeling that it is he who is the one who is beating the dead horse to death for who knows how long.
Very curious about recent job opportunity.
Martin O Malley. reading in between the lines. of course he would probably have an angry reaction. Most people really do have angry reactions but some would rather write me off as being disabled where there is nothing to take seriously.
I really am upset that he would say that, but I'm being anorexic to his judgement. Nobody was ever a good judge of character to begin with, and if anything, I see it more as feeding an already chosen agenda. Mudslinging is the continued affirmation of his agenda.
I'm still writing to amnesty. I'm still looking for other boats.
Still psychotic people everywhere
Still numbers of problems some known and some that are not defined. Mysteries for my "Dora," hurricane to solve. lol. cute, but irresolute.
Where am I?
Definitely not with ACC teachers. Still no respect. I havn't taken back a word I've said. I'm tired of their desperation. I'm tired of my Lord of the Fly desperation. I'm tired that people can't see that they desperately need a restraining order.
I'm anorexic to anything that is going on with Dane. I have a feeling that it is he who is the one who is beating the dead horse to death for who knows how long.
Very curious about recent job opportunity.
Martin O Malley. reading in between the lines. of course he would probably have an angry reaction. Most people really do have angry reactions but some would rather write me off as being disabled where there is nothing to take seriously.
I really am upset that he would say that, but I'm being anorexic to his judgement. Nobody was ever a good judge of character to begin with, and if anything, I see it more as feeding an already chosen agenda. Mudslinging is the continued affirmation of his agenda.
I'm still writing to amnesty. I'm still looking for other boats.
Tuesday, July 19, 2011
Materialism/Capitalism
Sometimes, the issue is unavoidable.
Complex issue figuratively and literally.
There are so many different qualities to compete over. Some people are ignorant when being mindful of being mindful: closed or open minded. Other people have more mindfulness and will compete, challenge, or be more elaborative with it.
Sex sells. It has been acknowledged for decades and has been a common state of being.
In competing with the quality of being open-minded, is it really fair to discriminate against those who may be conservative or more reserved than others? Of course not.
How about in being in support of being a sex object? Sometimes, there is no judgemental outlook in an atmosphere where it is even thought of. Sometimes, judgement is kept to itself. Sometimes, the atmosphere is more overbalanced where conservativism is more dominate in the atmosphere.
In simplest of ways, it is fair to say the boundaries of conservatives should be respected and those who are sexually motivated can keep their motivation to themselves without bothering anyone.
Of course productivity is important. Work has to be done. But, in the workplace, it would be fair to say it can vary with how high of a priority and how extreme a level of productivity is. It can lead to discriminatory issues.................
So, when sex sells, numerous discriminations and politics are involved that makes life a little difficult.....................
Capitalism. Motivation. I even cry for motivation sometimes when I feel in a slump or in despair. But to turn capitalism and motivation into communism? It really should not be thought of. It is a pity in other countries that it does happen. It is a pity in countries that are corrupt under other labels and disguises that it happens too.
Should all urban and city life be described as having a strong system of sexually motivated capitalism? If the city is complex and structured, I think even the city should have respect for people who choose to be conservative or reserved. Small towns? Same thing, different number.
I think it is closed minded to say that unless a person is sexually driven, sexually motivated, to only be competing amongst sexual objectifications than that person does not deserve to have a job.
I've already encountered a lot of people who would argue in the opposite of the previous statement that conservatives are closed-minded. Conservatives may or may not have had experience or same choices made, but just because a conservative does not decide to operate with sexual capitalism, doesn't necessarily mean that they are closed-minded.
I wish I could remember the name of a song that paints a picture of capitalism.
nevermind I can't find it. Its wierd to watch anyway but I like how it is graphic to show the grotesquness of materialism.
I deny that I'm a Puritan or Amish or even Anti-materialistic.
I'm in support of a free work environment where there are lines between work and slave labor that goes beyond work. I'm in support of freedom of choice where there are boundaries, and boundaries are respected on both sides of each single one person.
Complex issue figuratively and literally.
There are so many different qualities to compete over. Some people are ignorant when being mindful of being mindful: closed or open minded. Other people have more mindfulness and will compete, challenge, or be more elaborative with it.
Sex sells. It has been acknowledged for decades and has been a common state of being.
In competing with the quality of being open-minded, is it really fair to discriminate against those who may be conservative or more reserved than others? Of course not.
How about in being in support of being a sex object? Sometimes, there is no judgemental outlook in an atmosphere where it is even thought of. Sometimes, judgement is kept to itself. Sometimes, the atmosphere is more overbalanced where conservativism is more dominate in the atmosphere.
In simplest of ways, it is fair to say the boundaries of conservatives should be respected and those who are sexually motivated can keep their motivation to themselves without bothering anyone.
Of course productivity is important. Work has to be done. But, in the workplace, it would be fair to say it can vary with how high of a priority and how extreme a level of productivity is. It can lead to discriminatory issues.................
So, when sex sells, numerous discriminations and politics are involved that makes life a little difficult.....................
Capitalism. Motivation. I even cry for motivation sometimes when I feel in a slump or in despair. But to turn capitalism and motivation into communism? It really should not be thought of. It is a pity in other countries that it does happen. It is a pity in countries that are corrupt under other labels and disguises that it happens too.
Should all urban and city life be described as having a strong system of sexually motivated capitalism? If the city is complex and structured, I think even the city should have respect for people who choose to be conservative or reserved. Small towns? Same thing, different number.
I think it is closed minded to say that unless a person is sexually driven, sexually motivated, to only be competing amongst sexual objectifications than that person does not deserve to have a job.
I've already encountered a lot of people who would argue in the opposite of the previous statement that conservatives are closed-minded. Conservatives may or may not have had experience or same choices made, but just because a conservative does not decide to operate with sexual capitalism, doesn't necessarily mean that they are closed-minded.
I wish I could remember the name of a song that paints a picture of capitalism.
nevermind I can't find it. Its wierd to watch anyway but I like how it is graphic to show the grotesquness of materialism.
I deny that I'm a Puritan or Amish or even Anti-materialistic.
I'm in support of a free work environment where there are lines between work and slave labor that goes beyond work. I'm in support of freedom of choice where there are boundaries, and boundaries are respected on both sides of each single one person.
Sunday, July 17, 2011
Danger Zone
The beginning of my day:
I was sitting at my tables and being the usual vendor and reading the paper while approached by someone who agrees with me: "Same old shit?" I paused with a smile on my face and just looked at him for a few seconds before a gave a firm: "yes." I bitch all of the time, but sometimes, my emotions are not predictable. I really don't like to be biased or force myself into a box to always believe the same thing, although I grow more and more cynical as days go by. I couldn't help but agree with same old shit even though I wasn't angry enough at the time to have those thoughts come out of me. It was such a definite and unchanging way he said it that I had to pause. Do I consider a simple agreement from one person to another to be my next permanent tattoo of life where nothing will ever be bound to happen? No.
This week, things were a little different. I had a few more conversations with people other than business small talk. Personally, I really prefer to not have full fledged conversations even in a small business flea market. I will only go to some limit before I become closed off, but it always feels awkward with the way I'm pushed to talk to some people. It bothers me that some people have not thought enough that if they want to talk to a person that badly, than why not make a plan to meet in a different kind of setting? I wouldn't be surprised if I were being set up to fail, but since I've been so desperate, at this point it seems like nothing could get worse if I bicker with people just a little bit more.
Amnesty may or may not be responsible for something that recently has happened. I don't know which justice group caused it to happen, but I feel in a little shock to have learned that there have been recent arrests made concerning drugs. I'm sure the main person who I've been yelling at has not been arrested, but through the matrix, it must have had some sort of effect with how things come to a conclusion. I really am afraid for myself in all honesty about the issue of being a "snitch." My complaint really was not directed at drugs but at inhumanity. Some indie news has already come through that the main cause really is a result of some people's drug habits and excuses to keep maintaining their drug habit. It is kind of like a huge car crash with a lot of accidents involved and I'm amongst a huge wreckage of cars.
I hate how some vanities paint me out in their arrogance and perception for me to be a wimp or something, but I really do fear for my life.
I really don't have much to say about some conversations I've had. It is kind of like I've always felt that way and am finally given the breathing room to have a little more of a voice. If anything is resolved, it is most likely another oil collection time.
As the Sarah Turns........................
Dane, I really don't want it to be a long moment of beating a horse to death, but I want to be a little more expressive. I don't know exactly how he is resolving himself: he is either being self centered in his own way, or I have beat him into submission with: "it's not me it's you." I really wouldn't be surprised if his "it's not you, it's me," is meant to be taken as an insult. I just reach certain points where I have no toleration. I hate the idea of giving him satisfaction if he is choosing to be a violent arrogant pig, but I'm upset too that he is the way he is. I really do not know why he has such a degree of hate against me. It comes and goes and I don't understand why he's that way.
I have a few new interests, but with the way communication goes with some people, I have not always had the easiest time in reaching guys or figuring out how to get them to come to me or keep them around. It is back to the old drawing board of how to connect with guys and get to know them. I wonder if anyone will ever just give in and communicate my way? I'm already impatient and I'm not sure how patient I can be after living through some drama. I need more relief in my life. One or two other guys I wonder about and can't help but be a little curious with.
I wish I had a job.
I hate being poor.
I was sitting at my tables and being the usual vendor and reading the paper while approached by someone who agrees with me: "Same old shit?" I paused with a smile on my face and just looked at him for a few seconds before a gave a firm: "yes." I bitch all of the time, but sometimes, my emotions are not predictable. I really don't like to be biased or force myself into a box to always believe the same thing, although I grow more and more cynical as days go by. I couldn't help but agree with same old shit even though I wasn't angry enough at the time to have those thoughts come out of me. It was such a definite and unchanging way he said it that I had to pause. Do I consider a simple agreement from one person to another to be my next permanent tattoo of life where nothing will ever be bound to happen? No.
This week, things were a little different. I had a few more conversations with people other than business small talk. Personally, I really prefer to not have full fledged conversations even in a small business flea market. I will only go to some limit before I become closed off, but it always feels awkward with the way I'm pushed to talk to some people. It bothers me that some people have not thought enough that if they want to talk to a person that badly, than why not make a plan to meet in a different kind of setting? I wouldn't be surprised if I were being set up to fail, but since I've been so desperate, at this point it seems like nothing could get worse if I bicker with people just a little bit more.
Amnesty may or may not be responsible for something that recently has happened. I don't know which justice group caused it to happen, but I feel in a little shock to have learned that there have been recent arrests made concerning drugs. I'm sure the main person who I've been yelling at has not been arrested, but through the matrix, it must have had some sort of effect with how things come to a conclusion. I really am afraid for myself in all honesty about the issue of being a "snitch." My complaint really was not directed at drugs but at inhumanity. Some indie news has already come through that the main cause really is a result of some people's drug habits and excuses to keep maintaining their drug habit. It is kind of like a huge car crash with a lot of accidents involved and I'm amongst a huge wreckage of cars.
I hate how some vanities paint me out in their arrogance and perception for me to be a wimp or something, but I really do fear for my life.
I really don't have much to say about some conversations I've had. It is kind of like I've always felt that way and am finally given the breathing room to have a little more of a voice. If anything is resolved, it is most likely another oil collection time.
As the Sarah Turns........................
Dane, I really don't want it to be a long moment of beating a horse to death, but I want to be a little more expressive. I don't know exactly how he is resolving himself: he is either being self centered in his own way, or I have beat him into submission with: "it's not me it's you." I really wouldn't be surprised if his "it's not you, it's me," is meant to be taken as an insult. I just reach certain points where I have no toleration. I hate the idea of giving him satisfaction if he is choosing to be a violent arrogant pig, but I'm upset too that he is the way he is. I really do not know why he has such a degree of hate against me. It comes and goes and I don't understand why he's that way.
I have a few new interests, but with the way communication goes with some people, I have not always had the easiest time in reaching guys or figuring out how to get them to come to me or keep them around. It is back to the old drawing board of how to connect with guys and get to know them. I wonder if anyone will ever just give in and communicate my way? I'm already impatient and I'm not sure how patient I can be after living through some drama. I need more relief in my life. One or two other guys I wonder about and can't help but be a little curious with.
I wish I had a job.
I hate being poor.
Tuesday, July 12, 2011
random thoughts
Right now, my biggest priority is finding a job. It really gets agonizing with what I've already lived through and having to wait to find one. It is more agonizing to be constantly broke and having so much anxiety, financial problems, and issues because of it. I will acknowledge that some people are backing off a little and being less suffocating that I'm entirely responsible for this mess. Other people, I just ignore their provokings, chokings, and blame. I don't know how much longer I'm going to have to keep living like this on my own.
I am happy with myself with meeting some small goals. I do have some of my own personal achievements.
I still get more than agitated with pigeon-holing, the way people make judgements, gambles, arrogance, and rumors, but that's life with pretty much anyone.
While I have a lot of antagonists and enemies, I have noticed some people who show some support in some particular ways. While I appreciate the support, one of my most simple favorite quotes is: "actions speak louder than words." It is great that some people don't bandwagon or go along with some ridiculousness of others, but when will something more tangible be done about it? Sometimes, I just think there are some things that don't really need more talk over. I think some things should just be simple made decisions. However, I'm dealing with so many difficulties, difficult people. Where it is a common understanding of how hated I am, I guess the entire situation is a complication of it's own where some simple decision to be made has to be complicated because there is so much trifeling, bickering, and negativism.
In other thoughts, it is back to taking things slow. My love life. It is really crappy right now. I hate to feel like such a pushover at times. I have sincere feelings and ways of being about some things and I will always be having to go through manipulations and compromises.
I can't give any definite answers right now. I think I have already won an argument in a more acknowledged way this time. I also feel that there is a little more fairness where I feel more acknowledged with bitchiness/bossiness. It is a few small changes but how is it going to be in the future? Is it just a matter of pressure where it is more centered around an ego, reputation, or vanity, or is it sincerely meant? Is this a one time only negotiation, or when other issues come along, am I going to be ignored and neglected and will have to wait for a long time? Is he going to be an alzheimer about it where the apology means nothing and when he gets pissed off at another time, I'm going to have to face more harassment and fucktard rapist interrogation?
As for the acknowledgement of me liking to be bossy and showing some bossiness, is there going to be more tricks and corruption where I really am ignored and have to keep endlessly jumping through bullshit hoops? Is it going to be me being stuck in a place where there is no point, there will never be a point, the person's mind is made up, and they think they can continue to trick me with bullshit games for the motive of either blindly taking advantage of me or for the motive of bashing my character "that I can't handle rejection," and desperately trying to feed the agenda "that the reason for my homicidal behavior isn't due to me getting fucked with or abused, but in favor of the person's vanity where I can't handle rejection"?
I am tired of being underestimated and people seeing me as being naive.
I continue to dream of having my own business but hate the anxiety of it all with how impossible it seems with my finances. I hate the feeling of knowing my personal accomplishments and how I've already thought outside the box and having to push more for more ideas because I can't come up with anything else. Endurance is easier said than done sometimes. This is a time where I hate any kind of pressures or criticisms. I keep working myself none-the-less but life sometimes feels in such despair because I cannot get a tangible break.
I am happy with myself with meeting some small goals. I do have some of my own personal achievements.
I still get more than agitated with pigeon-holing, the way people make judgements, gambles, arrogance, and rumors, but that's life with pretty much anyone.
While I have a lot of antagonists and enemies, I have noticed some people who show some support in some particular ways. While I appreciate the support, one of my most simple favorite quotes is: "actions speak louder than words." It is great that some people don't bandwagon or go along with some ridiculousness of others, but when will something more tangible be done about it? Sometimes, I just think there are some things that don't really need more talk over. I think some things should just be simple made decisions. However, I'm dealing with so many difficulties, difficult people. Where it is a common understanding of how hated I am, I guess the entire situation is a complication of it's own where some simple decision to be made has to be complicated because there is so much trifeling, bickering, and negativism.
In other thoughts, it is back to taking things slow. My love life. It is really crappy right now. I hate to feel like such a pushover at times. I have sincere feelings and ways of being about some things and I will always be having to go through manipulations and compromises.
I can't give any definite answers right now. I think I have already won an argument in a more acknowledged way this time. I also feel that there is a little more fairness where I feel more acknowledged with bitchiness/bossiness. It is a few small changes but how is it going to be in the future? Is it just a matter of pressure where it is more centered around an ego, reputation, or vanity, or is it sincerely meant? Is this a one time only negotiation, or when other issues come along, am I going to be ignored and neglected and will have to wait for a long time? Is he going to be an alzheimer about it where the apology means nothing and when he gets pissed off at another time, I'm going to have to face more harassment and fucktard rapist interrogation?
As for the acknowledgement of me liking to be bossy and showing some bossiness, is there going to be more tricks and corruption where I really am ignored and have to keep endlessly jumping through bullshit hoops? Is it going to be me being stuck in a place where there is no point, there will never be a point, the person's mind is made up, and they think they can continue to trick me with bullshit games for the motive of either blindly taking advantage of me or for the motive of bashing my character "that I can't handle rejection," and desperately trying to feed the agenda "that the reason for my homicidal behavior isn't due to me getting fucked with or abused, but in favor of the person's vanity where I can't handle rejection"?
I am tired of being underestimated and people seeing me as being naive.
I continue to dream of having my own business but hate the anxiety of it all with how impossible it seems with my finances. I hate the feeling of knowing my personal accomplishments and how I've already thought outside the box and having to push more for more ideas because I can't come up with anything else. Endurance is easier said than done sometimes. This is a time where I hate any kind of pressures or criticisms. I keep working myself none-the-less but life sometimes feels in such despair because I cannot get a tangible break.
Sunday, July 3, 2011
When will I ever have a truly sunny day?
I think I'm taking myself on a picnic tomorrow. I'd like to go to the beach, but tomorrow just isn't a good day for the beach. A hike and picnic is a better idea. I don't know where I'll go to see the fire works. I usually watch from the parking garage, but maybe I'll go to the levy this year as I did in so many other years. I don't know.
I'm happy and not happy in my new business ventures. I hate the timing where I have to be a b.s.er at some things. I have to B.S. anyway.
..................................
Right now, life's pressures are so repulsive. Violently repulsive. Unbearably repulsive. Impossible to resolve.
It is another reason to be angry in life. If I were to continue to gather and seek more; I just might figure out my puzzle and world better. I'm so sick and tired of being the scapegoat over every detail. It does feel like slave labor to solve my life. It isn't fair that I should be hindered because I am so clueless with things. At the same time, an awareness grows, but not a complete or detailed picture. Hints, clues, guesses.
~breathing~
~breathing~
~breathing~
It isn't fair for my life to be so effected by some stories and happenings that I hardly know anything about. It isn't fair for my life to be so screwed over the way it is. It's not fair. It's not right. It's not just. It's not fair.
~Breathing~
~breathing~
~breathing~
As the Sarah Turns. More drama of course. I'm not asking for specific relationship help. I did ask for amnesty help for a few specific causes. It is embarassing that it could deal with actual relationship but I will never have respect for anyone who tells me how to live or how to be in a relationship. It will always be strictly be between the guy and me. Little red riding hood from endless cycles to cycles to cycles I would do before I would be ever told how to be in a relationship. If the big bad wolf wants to be a list of hate, tyranny, corruption, and crudeness, I will eventually resolve it all on my own one day. It is my business. Just because so many people have already gotten away with Sim worlds and Barbie doll games, does not mean that I have ever signed a contract; made a promise; made a choice to sell myself out just because other people have tendencies to be obsessed with me.
~breathing~
~breathing~
~breathing~
I really don't know who is definitely supposed to somehow be in my life and surprise me tomorrow for the 4th. It isn't safe right now. It would be ruined anyway because of so many things I don't know and sick of people taking short cuts and cheap manipulations to get me. I don't have the heart or patience for it.
Another independence day of true indepedence. solitude. but at least I still have my independence.
I'm happy and not happy in my new business ventures. I hate the timing where I have to be a b.s.er at some things. I have to B.S. anyway.
..................................
Right now, life's pressures are so repulsive. Violently repulsive. Unbearably repulsive. Impossible to resolve.
It is another reason to be angry in life. If I were to continue to gather and seek more; I just might figure out my puzzle and world better. I'm so sick and tired of being the scapegoat over every detail. It does feel like slave labor to solve my life. It isn't fair that I should be hindered because I am so clueless with things. At the same time, an awareness grows, but not a complete or detailed picture. Hints, clues, guesses.
~breathing~
~breathing~
~breathing~
It isn't fair for my life to be so effected by some stories and happenings that I hardly know anything about. It isn't fair for my life to be so screwed over the way it is. It's not fair. It's not right. It's not just. It's not fair.
~Breathing~
~breathing~
~breathing~
As the Sarah Turns. More drama of course. I'm not asking for specific relationship help. I did ask for amnesty help for a few specific causes. It is embarassing that it could deal with actual relationship but I will never have respect for anyone who tells me how to live or how to be in a relationship. It will always be strictly be between the guy and me. Little red riding hood from endless cycles to cycles to cycles I would do before I would be ever told how to be in a relationship. If the big bad wolf wants to be a list of hate, tyranny, corruption, and crudeness, I will eventually resolve it all on my own one day. It is my business. Just because so many people have already gotten away with Sim worlds and Barbie doll games, does not mean that I have ever signed a contract; made a promise; made a choice to sell myself out just because other people have tendencies to be obsessed with me.
~breathing~
~breathing~
~breathing~
I really don't know who is definitely supposed to somehow be in my life and surprise me tomorrow for the 4th. It isn't safe right now. It would be ruined anyway because of so many things I don't know and sick of people taking short cuts and cheap manipulations to get me. I don't have the heart or patience for it.
Another independence day of true indepedence. solitude. but at least I still have my independence.
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