Tormented Thanksgiving

I am recovering from my sickness and only have a few more days of antibiotics left to go. When I'm sick, the thought of drinking is seriously the last thing on my mind, so I haven't had to suffer as a lush too much. However, There are several different things all rolled into one that just make this week so tormentingly awful. I seriously need to take a night out on the town. There are times that I have been able to go out almost every weekend to every other weekend. It has been over a month and possibly 2 months since I have gone out and had myself a good time. In my sickness, the torment just adds on. I lose some hours because I do have some drowsiness. I can never drink coffee in 2 separate times in one day and get away with it: insomnia. But with the drowsiness I have, I have coffee fixes and I am still tired. Besides losing hours, the hours have been slow. In order to get my bonuses I have to have x number of calls. My call numbers aren't high at all and this means I have no other choice than to work the full entire weekend. I lose Thanksgiving work day and have to make up for that. My bills are behind and I have no other choice. I would be more tormented to know the difference of money with the money I would be spending while during that time, the much extra amount I could be earning. It makes a major difference to get a certain number of calls in and reach a certain amount. With Christmas coming and being behind on bills; I just couldn't handle $200+ just flying and disappearing into the air with the difference of going out or working. It would be torment to know the money I would be missing out on. What's more is not only I have had a strong craving to go out on the town, but also a strong craving to shop and it is black Friday weekend. Torment with all the deals and the time I don't have to shop. I will probably let myself make a guilty online purchase or two to relieve some of the pain of the torment. It really makes no sense to buy more clothes after not being able to get out after so long. What is the sense in buying clothes when I never have the time? I've been wanting an Ulta and Victoria's Secret splurge too. With the investment I've made in Victoria's through the years; I've never had boyfriends to wear it for. It used to be for my customers at the night clubs and to let myself feel pretty. Anymore, it is for whatever potential mystery man of the night I could meet (which I haven't done in awhile either). I just don't care to just say it... I'm hoping to have some things get done by January because it is the month where I plan on getting more active in the dating sites and scene. I've known I'm not getting any younger, but there is always other things I want to get done on my checklist before I make it to that check mark of things I have to do. It is just a serious week of torment with timing and not having enough money. There is supposed to be a Jason Mraz concert too that I heard of just today that is happening THIS weekend. I'm so mad with how much I missing out in this week.

Alien in Burmuda: Broken heart over a breaking heart and being a heartbreaker

Before anything, I really mean to speak in a defensive tone because even though I should not feel like the bad guy, I hate the manipulative feeling that I do. It is one of those things where a guy breaks into a person's house, the guy breaks his leg, and the guy breaking in wants to sue the person when he was the one trespassing...ahem... always going to be shaking my head because there are too many things that are just unfair. Like I don't feel like my heart can break in another light. So, I have been in a boat with captain obvious for sometime, and while I don't feel I entirely exploit him, I'm just going to look back at him and blink. He was both possessive and begging for me. He doesn't want me to leave and doesn't want me to die some natural death of a violently breaking heart... I can't and won't entirely leave him out in the cold, but when will he ever listen? I hate that I saw another severely strong sign of him as Jon. He just can't be something he hasn't already been to my face. He could have some personal history, but he is a victim of a cut throat who wants to label him as Jon. Suppose someone could have the potential of proving their cut throat with the most life threatening "told you so," threat where I should always follow them rather than my own instincts... He is a Bollywood. There are already more bullshit tabloids than any real actual drama. I have my own drama and it is said in the separate world that it is. I know I don't know where everything comes from and I don't know how much he understands how blind sided I am... Captain obvious in boat number 1; I feel more than anything you want to only keep me tested and tried and then wonder why. If I cheat, it will be nothing to treat someone else to a quick normalcy and acceptance to my face like you did nothing wrong with me from the start, but this is what I will predict of your revenge when I get burnt out and take the action to cheat. So, you have your own way of making me feel some love, but your god complex is still there. …..Now comes my crush and heartbreak, some other god complex boats are here too. What am I to do or choose with the other boats that have made me come aboard. I'm going to be single and talking alone to myself again because I am at another pointless square one because all you guys breaking in my house whose legs I am breaking will have your abandoning revenge or revenge of some other sort. Boat #2 is a new one and I think he is really sexy. I am definitely in a predicament and dilemma and don't know how to move much of a muscle. He really has me beat with a ballgag right now. I can't help but be a little more attractive to him because he has a more practical factor to him. Boat #1 you really could have done something to make yourself more practical. You could have stopped your nonsense to keep me tried tested and alone and came off your snobby self, but IT'S SUPPOSEDLY MY FAULT YOU WERE LIKE THAT AND LEFT ME ALONE. IT'S MY FAULT THAT YOU WOULD LET YOUR DOUBT, DECEPTION, AND FEAR RULE YOUR CHOICE. Boat #2 isn't entirely the most practical and I don't even know if he would make himself anymore practical than where he is now. It would be too impulsive of me to let boat #2 just win hands down. I just can't impulsively make him my most choice man like that. …. Boat #3 Here he comes again and is carried away with me for some reason. I think he is jealous where he deserves to be called my Gerald the most. He has the biggest advantage where it is most commonly accepted that the biggest breadwinner gets the biggest choice. Yeah, he has some history but come on boat 3 you know our history is not the greatest. To say anything for you, you still have my respect in some way because I still fear you in some several ways.....My heart is breaking. My heart is breaking because I feel like I can be breaking hearts to an extent. My heart breaks because I'm still in Bermuda and am still anxious as ever. I have a thing for them all but there can only be one and while I am being forced to play the game right now I would bet I am still in the most negative odds with them playing. I'll always have more sad stories to tell because enough will never be enough and like I already sang with Pink, I'm not feeling any better, I'm only feeling more ill with whatever quick fix some come along and go away boats the guys want to be with me...……. burst my bubbles

Hey You....

Personally, I still feel in fear, threatened, and intimidated to talk to you and face you, and I don't like that... I have no other choice than to believe in your Stockholm and I like the thing we have going on, but there is so much that I still don't understand about it and I wish you would give me a better peace of mind. I want to believe I am more than lusted for and cared for and that you would mean to protect me in some way. Sure, you would use your Stockholm to get my attention and make me aware of your existence, but what comes next? Are you always going to be this godlike complex that lives in rewards and punishments according to how much ever I live to please you, I will eventually be rewarded with you? Don't get me wrong Mr. Mucho Swavay, I find you very attractive and I want to believe you care, but so many times, some men will just not recognize the complex they are living in with me at all. I need the normal relationship. Annie Lennox "Talk to Me Like Lovers Do...." Is it that you would think a secret relationship makes any difference when the worlds jealousy rears its ugly head and the way it already has? I need you to understand that I still feel hurt by you where we are still at a distance. I wonder if you fear me screaming "rape," too much and you would ruin whatever we could be because you are in fear of me and being rejected or hurt in some way... It looks like you have already done something to betray me, and I just don't understand why you would be another guy who purposefully throws himself on me after he has betrayed me and either thinking I would beg for him or seeking to humiliate me and be in his own glory? I really don't know what you have done to betray me, but it isn't safe to be a pig with me and I will scream rape if you mean to intentionally hurt me with your self flattery being said in a stockholmed way. I hope you give me a better peace of mind soon and something to believe. Whatever reason you want to keep me intimidated if you want to care about me or want me to care about you...

Random Thoughts

Had a super busy weekend and wish I could have added additional free time but still worked every day of the week... I know I mostly make decent $$$ with uber, but sometimes it just feels like it never pays off. I simply have too many bills and expenses. I had my fun and will have a couple of past due bills because of it, but the extra expenses were better this time compared to even more stressful random expenses. I am happy because I feel I made some people happy and was glad to see the kids and wish I could have been able to spend more time with them all. Katie and David really didn't start any drama which I was relieved over. It was a simple hum drum and we had some fun together at the Wiz Khalifa and Rae Sremmurd concert. I just thought it was so funny that when Wiz asked the audience how many people were smoking weed in the house, that the majority raised their hands. Any kind of drug bust would be impossible because the cops would have been way outnumbered. This is just one concert. The imagination of 1000 paddy wagons showing up to take people away by the 1000s is just impossible. Wiz Khalifa makes religion out of weed. If weed were legal, I wouldn't mind having a smoke or brownie every once in awhile, but I'm just not taking my chances with a piss test. I see how anal the cops already are with me and sometimes I wonder if they ever are going to arrest me with the drama and death threats that go on in my life. I know I'm not the only criminal nor would even see myself as a main criminal, but I think when anything boils down to it, they will make the worst beauty and sex contest out of it with: which woman is the biggest breadwinner making the most money which should matter the most to the power of the people? It would appear and seem that is what my life depends on, and with the number of times I get dumped, I should be arrested by now because I'm not more valuable than the other "fellow prostitutes," (I know I've never been paid for anything) but there will always be those two wars going on at once: 1)self righteousness against cock sucking and 2)who is the biggest breadwinning MVP and has she ever bit the hand that feeds her? ….. With my wild imagination; the prostitute breadwinning contest is not the most of my worries. What hits me more is that I believe I will be a single mom for the rest of my life and it does matter to me. I find it harder and harder to have any motivation or be attracted to men. They still have more chance than a woman, but having a real ability to be attracted to someone and think the relationship would ever work has been more impossible over time. It makes me sad. I'm hoping I will be able to catch up on bills and have more time to make the time in finding and spending time with someone who could be potentially someone special, but unless I find a rich boyfriend who wants to spoil me with paying my bills and other expenses, I'm not going to have the time for anyone. I have always paid my own bills. Even as a stripper; it was real work. While there are things I would choose to do on my own for a man's attention or time, there are other times where I just cringe at a man's expectations, especially a Bollywood man's expectations and the things they want to put me through and the way they would assume I would be extra Slavic, subservient, easy, and more desperate because I am more poor. I still won't call "no flex zone," with the bollywoods but whatever punishment they would have wanted to keep putting me through, I thought they would just be over it by now, but for whatever reason, the stockholms have never ended. …. In present Bollywood drama, I wouldn't say I have a lot. I did have a little attraction to Marky Mark, but it really was nice of him to burst my bubble and not lead me on any more than that. Maybe he and his wife do have an open relationship because it did look like he was hitting on Erin, but I knew I was meaning to disrespect him with Erin when I bumped into him with Uber. I could brow beat him with a cupcake anytime. I think that Jon guy is married too. I was bummed over him but I saw some signs which were not good and it is probably better to come off of him too. I have gone from mostly single to extra extra really single. I'm ok. It is not always easy to have to go through some drama and feel left for dead. It hasn't been easy with feeling left for dead with Sidney. It is like I have some random mild support but I am single as I were before but single in a more ruined way over Sidney's worst selfish ambitions and womanizing kicks. He is more of a negative situation than a positive one. He made things worse. While I will never believe in Shariah laws or structure, only poor men should be able to be a bitch, be selfish, and make things worse. But, I just won't and refuse to have any set expectations or bias of the rich and famous to the poor and everyday person. On occasion, I might say something in my anger in regards to that, but my beliefs are set in not wanting to believe in any set shariah laws of expectations... ……

Such a nice stockholm

Last night, your Stockholm was so nice Sidney. It was so nice and comforting in a lot of ways. Despite a lot of your terror and a terror I am yet to know that I know with you being more straight or gay, don't hate me for my pur. It's like you have mixed emotions that I pur, but I am from Venus and I prefer to make love and not war and while you were the lovemaker, it's like you're more frustrated that I just didn't want to keep competing or challenging you and cozied up to your comfort. I still think your Bollywood is asking too much and unfair and "you know, you know, you are still being a Bollywood," but you nudge and somewhat demand me into being more serious with you and here is where it gets more freaky: I have to have another pretend relationship with someone who still isn't there..... I'm not entirely closed-minded. We could both be in some kind of witness protection program where our own agents would be looking at us in the worst way and label us both as still being out of our minds and too psychotic to be together in any which way. Other people in the know too. It just isn't right for us not to be each other's bollywoods but it was never right Sidney. Last night was so nice Sidney and in any other instance you show some kind of kindness or lead me on, I just look at you and think: I know he is going to give me such a serious reason to be upset and dump him all over again one or two days from now. I don't feel too much of a gay hate with you wishing I was a man, but another vibe I feel is where you confuse yourself with love and lust. Admit it Sidney, you have already messed with my emotions in some way and seriously had some emotions with me last night too. Yet, you whisper and grab me and call me "sex object." Don't get me wrong Sidney, I know I can be a ho, but I think you hate the responsibility of making your mind up most of all. It wasn't that you or anyone else had to have their mind instantly made up, but you look like you have your own mixed emotions with me with love and lust and you would use it as your loophole as a cheap excuse where you miss the mark with me. Sidney, I know I know about some things, but other times I feel like you have so many knives in my back or are intentionally trying to communicate with me where it is not a strong enough network and I don't get the codes or am even awake. I am quite the sleeper to some socialism anymore when I have my other every day focuses but sometimes there just doesn't feel like there is a strong enough message and people have their own dumb stalking obsessions and just bullshit. ….. A part of me rests on you, while the other part isn't sold. I can only play a pretend relationship for so long until I just can't wait anymore. One of the things that comforted me the most last night was when you had the view point "All women are control freaks in some way or another; I just wasn't the control freak you wanted me to be." I felt more loved than rejected because it is like you are giving up on some of your forcefulness in me wanting to be a certain way or play a fascist game. I just never hear the end of other men's forcefulness, control, judgement, and me being forced to do things their way or in a certain way. I just never hear the end of it. It was such a serious relief and it was so nice of you to look past it.... I don't always remember the half of everything in my slumber, but last night was something to me. You led me on a lot last night Sidney, but I'm still very skeptical of you. It's like you have a sincere possessiveness and understand that I've been out of a relationship so long, I'm just not looking faithful enough. You keep leading me on and pulling me in and I don't know if you will admit it or recognize it in yourself. You were a terrible Travolta Greacer from the start and you have already taken a scream from me that can't be surprised at the time you cheat, keep me denied, or have too much of an ego to admit the way you act. I just quietly walk way from you when I feel like I am most likely being cheated on or let down. You stay here, say you can't leave me alone, and look confused with your love and lust after you've already messed with my emotions. I've already ran out of my impatience and feel I can only have a most passive approach with you.... I'm not entirely won and don't know what to believe about you in a lot of ways. I was going to stay mostly quiet, but I thought I would tell you that I really am "wowed and wooed" by you for once and I hope you make your mind up soon.

Money Money Money: There goes my summer

This week has been such a serious ship wreck. I had just started with the regular Uber compared to the delivery uber after getting my air conditioner fixed twice AND MY AIR CONDITIONER BREAKS AGAIN with me to discover that it is the most expensive part of all. Maybe the mechanics feel it better to tell me each time, part by part, the total cost and don't have it in them to tell me my whole air conditioning system is busted and that it will be over 1,000.00 to get it all fixed in one analysis??? It's still a shipwreck either way but I'm still getting hit with load after load with chunks of money. I also had to get all four of my tires recently replaced in this week too. I am behind on bills and not anywhere near affording the air. So what else does this mean? I have to resort back to uber deliveries in the 80 and 90 degree weather with no air. Yeah right I'll be taking customers around in a car with no air. While I still make decent money with it, I liked the available time I had so much more with regular uber. Most often, I would have a high enough frequency of calls where I could make it a shorter 9 to 5 like time of it. I have to wait until the early part of lunch time to start with uber eats and don't get home until later in the day. I'll be lucky to afford a new air conditioner by the end of June and will be sweaty and miserable. Toughing it out with everything else going on is getting tougher by the minute. I have to keep overtiming my work hours with no real overtime and most likely won't have any decent vacation at all. I am being punched so hard in the wallet. Not only am I being punched hard in the wallet, I'm still in the world of bad relationships that never ceases to end. It is like someone intentionally picks and/or seduces the same wrong types of people to throw themselves on me and me live in the worst terror because of the way some of the same terror repeats itself. I hate someone's gang-banging terrorisms with my life in such a serious way. It is like Sidney is another gang banging tool, but Sidney mostly seems to represent just himself, but I could ridicule him as a tool. Sidney was mostly a stranger to me had I not known oh him through fame before I met him in Bollywood but I just don't understand why he would want me to continue to feel raped the way I do? It comes from some gangster fellowship. While I have such a harsh skepticism from what I saw was what I got, I know I believe he had some attraction to me but I have done ratted him too much. I've felt betrayed by him for the longest time and he probably does feel betrayed by me by now. This is a gossip blog that will most likely damn the relationship that much more where I briefly repeat everything I've already gone over with him. He has my betrayal much harder. The bollywoods just never break out of their Stockholm and Bollywood. It will always be the same type of cruel and mean relationship. I know I still fear him. I'm not entirely flamboyant and still hold back on some other thoughts I could say or even be more detailed with. I'm so upset and I know this is another bad relationship to pass through but how many more times am I going to get ganged up on in the same similar ways? Where is such a sick madness coming from? Why does it never stop?

Church Church

While I still plan on trying out other churches; I'm not sure what to think of this church. The pastor really had some good soul food, but was he giving me a hint that he already wanted to kick me out, or was it that he had no control over Denny's horror show of a stalker? While he didn't point the finger at anyone over anything, he did bring up isolating others and there is no rod I will ever take over Denny. Denny probably does still play victim from time to time, but it is a furthered black mail that people would believe in his lies of me being his willing mail order bride? I don't know who keeps continuing Denny's terrorism. While he is a weapon, he is not always the holder and shooter of the gross and insulting weapon that he is. I seriously shame the people who use Denny as their tool in any which way possible. I'm always losing to a murderously hateful unseen judge somewhere who has no sense of sophistication at all. Denny will always play deaf or a liar. Whoever else wants to keep me harassed or corrected with him is sick, hateful, and most likely jealous. While I've said it a million times and in no way am showing a white flag to the person who wants to keep throwing the worst judgemental hits: I've been stalked, stockholmed, and harassed from the start. While I obviously keep myself flattered in some ways with some of my resilience's, or flattered in whatever way, there is nothing the same about Denny and I. I am a person who lives in my own personal freedom; Denny is a person who means to stalk, harass, control, stockholm, and judge a person. It is like a horror story of a mail order bride where it's more of a blow up doll story. He throws himself on me, besides his most usual assault of a weapon, he always wants to start something with me and blackmail, manipulate, and force me to get into it with him. I've never given Denny a chance and someone should have seen him as the dead giveaway of a sick stalker a long time ago and put a restraining order on him. I do not know who is responsible for keeping me in terror with Denny and whatever sick mind thinks they can teach me any kind of lesson with Denny. I see Denny's terrorism of "Two becoming one," all of the time as if we were the same and very comparative. It's not that I even argue a case for him; I mean to rat and exploit him. He is an egocentric man who will always lie and reframe "The Two Becomes One," in whatever way he pleases. He won't stop thinking I will be foolish to his manipulations and lies. He has never been done in giving himself credit...... I think people are sick for keeping my life threatened and in terror over Denny..... I feel sorry for the pastor whether he intended Denny's stalker to be there or not. ......... This land is your land, this land is my land from California to the New York Islands ~~~~ Some people just don't get the egocentrisms and totalitarianism that exists in some arbitrages. What's to say of a person who can never seem to save their self from the isolation? Sometimes it is that person's own free will to be a snob; sometimes a murderous sick dominance is there that means to be too dominate and suffocate a person. Denny will never be done in wanting to harass me to death for the dominate compliment of a snob I give myself. He does want to play and be God. Whatever this land is my land Denny wants to sing along with: he is a dead give away of a stalker and I'm not afraid to defend myself and give another death threat.

Random Thoughts

It has been both a good week and a bad week. I have a new job that I will be working very soon. It is a major big deal for me. I am mostly looking forward to it. I'm guessing it was a good thing that I have had no management experience in the past as I will be doing a 1 to 2 year training course in management. My new job will be with a consulting company where business has been my career interest for quite some time. While I won't talk about all of the few setbacks that there are, I have some things to whine about either way. This is a serious type of new job. One positive thing about the professionalism is dressing up and I like to wear more dressy attire when I work. Maybe it is the thrill of fashion although I can't afford to go all out in fashion. I like to dress up though. Anyway, about the serious type of job: taking time off. I won't be able to take anytime off for a good long time. The job is broken down into training segments where it is straight constant work all of the way through. I can personally live without having any vacation, but poor little Mitzi will not be happy about it. We will have to have occasional one day splurges as I work 6 days per week. I work a lot of hours now, but the flexibility of the time factor is not the same at all. I will be making more as I get going but won't be off with the most wealthiest start. I'm still going to have to work around the clock when I start out. ..... I get to get a severance pay from my last job which is a good thing. It's not a seriously large cut check but it is a serious plus. I'm not happy to be losing my insurance again, but will have to work something out independently with the state...... Parenting problems.. for my sake of venting and bitching..... I don't tell my child "no," over every demand, neither do I never say "no." I do not overindulge or keep my child extremely spoiled at all. Yet, she has these most raging, screaming, and out of control fits when things don't go her way. It's like no one has ever told her "no." You'd think someone got shot to her face or something, but she is throwing her worst tantrum in having to get her way. Not only can she be a spoiled brat, but I hate to have to say she is my Pamela Jr. She picks fights with me and provokes me on purpose for whatever her reasons are. She just doesn't quit with me sometimes. She wants to fight; she wants me to play the bad guy while she continues of with her childish, mean, and unfair manipulations. She has given me a lot of reasons to be upset but she has been such a disobedient and disrespectful tantrum throwing child. .......vent done. next vent: I wish I had a husband and father to help me out a little bit. It is not always easy to be a single mom; it's just not easy. Sometimes it is simply: I haven't had the time, I haven't found the right one and although I've never been married to be divorced and never officially divorced through all of the Bollywood bullshit, it hurts me to know I know I'm still not loved or cared for enough. Why would any of the bollywoods have ever led me on some of the ways that they do and just not be in it for the long haul? I'm very all or nothing sometimes and while some would argue that some love is better than no love at all, I'm still left with knowing enough was never enough with some men. I'm not always the one who has only been rejected and know I've rejected too. I had no other choice to be rejecting with the unfairness and terrible chances some men gave. How could some men expect so much from me with what their actual give and takes are? I never meant to go into so much of a dramatic rant over parenting and men. I need a man who knows what it means to be serious with me. I need a man who knows what it means to make me his foremost focus. I still have a thing for Travis, and I don't mean to make him feel too trashed, but I think he is going to stay just another Bollywood. I don't have a backwards proposal; I guess I mean to run him off unless he is more convincing that he could ever be anything more than just another Bollywood. I don't want to be reminded of the way enough is never enough.

Random Thoughts

I wish I could save myself from my anxiety but it is just impossible. Some weights come off from time to time and other times another 50 lb. weight gets thrown on me amidst constant anxiety and weight on my shoulders. Right now a lot of it is every day life. Once I get my taxes and some bills paid off and caught up, life might not be as rough, but with a car purchase that is up and coming most of my financial situation will be the same. I will still have to be working my butt off all of the time. It is killing me. I get some breaks every now and then and tonight is somewhat of a break. But, the average person works an average work week and still gets to have more of a life. I hardly have a life outside of work. I didn't move to Pittsburgh just for the work, but to make new friends and especially a serious kind of man. I don't have time for my hobbies either. I am intentionally getting an SUV with my crafting as one of my main reasons, but I have yet to be able to work more on my inventory. I am a sad, sad woman. Right now, I have a lot of turmoil and am honestly anxious and in misery. I could find other things in my no-time-for-anything lifestyle to whimper and whine over but I think I will skip some of the details. I can only think of and find ways where I can fight my misery in ways I am capable of. When there are no ways around some things; there are no ways around some things........ Other random updates; I was recently in a car wreck. I have noticed some really stupid threats and stockholms whose worst sense of logic is unnamed and whoever would give them their stupid sense of power? I get dumb threats from time to time, but this could be coming from some perv who wants to continue on with: yeah I deserve to put you in bondage, kidnap, and jail you for this too........ Anyway I was lucky not to be injured. While I am not ready to buy a new car; I'm pretty much forced into buying one anyway. My car was totaled and I am getting a check for it. It is another temporary heavy weight of waiting for the check and in the entire situation. The process went slow. I have found an excellent deal at a dealership but there is still odds where I could miss out on it and I am back to square one with no choice on anything. In my pursuits, I have found that some people are ridiculous and deceptive at cutting me a deal. I hate how much more they overprice the car's final expenses in the financing. I fall through the cracks in some ways but not all ways and am not left with the best options. I am officially that much more of a resident in PA and got my PA license today. It was kind of a big deal. Nothing too exciting over a license. It is a residential thing. I live in PA. I am from PA. I left Merland. I broke under pressure in that office too because I did not bring enough of my info and had to leave and come back twice waiting in a long line for a total of 3 times. I was on the verge of crying because I hated how something so simple took an extra amount of time. They could have communicated to me more on the first trip. ........Man drama... It gets harder and harder to care about things and especially how I've aged and have seemed to age in the worst way with some men. I'm still not driven into being a lesbian or would think of it as something more desirable. I can only be driven into my single pride. That may have been too mean for the most recent man who has come along, but when it looks like more bad signs, it just does. I hate that I can only get older and colder. I can't give up on some kind of hope entirely....