today's thoughts

I'm happy that I went shopping
I'm happy that I have an interview tomorrow while going for other job applications

There is always relationship pressure in some way, even in family or even people in the media where it isn't always competition or judgement, it is moreso shoving into coupleship as in Pride and Prejudice. Its really tough to deal with sometimes whether its judgement or arranged relationships.

Anyway despite what other people think, I feel both anxious and content.
I really hate to be tested sometimes, and hate the idea that I may not be tested at all and it has nothing to do with me. Either way, I'm anxious over it. I really do not like neverending double standard games, but won't deny that sometimes I have my own personal crashes. I have not done any hard drugs yet, and depending on who I'm with, I'm careful with judgement.

I just don't want the tormenting ideas or thinking about them, not specifically with drugs but with other ways of crashing.

I have a hard time believing I'm really his underdog. Maybe he has a complicated ego that I will have to get over and deal with, or maybe he is a real schemer and out to really get me in a negative way.

At the same time, even though I sometimes truly hate being alone, I feel content that maybe I'm not ready for any serious or committed relationship. Maybe its better to stay at some distance and be laid back with time will tell. I've trained myself through the years to have a really open mind and know that there are so many possible opportunities in life. (With the communism, sometimes I have serious doubts and think there is no such thing as other paths or opportunities. ).......
Speaking of communism, games people play, I feel sometimes I may be systematically set up to have a more narrow mind. Good guy and bad guy. The way people judge a woman.


.......... I'm going to go to bed and don't want to think about worrying.