On to you

I know your leaving me guessing. I think I have a couple of other clues but I still don't know what to make of you. Speaking, I need to think of a name for you. Spike fits a little, but in present times, Spike doesn't entirely fit it. I will think of another name to give, but Spike will have to fit for now. Are you crashing into me Spike? It almost looks that way sometimes. Whether or not you see it as a crash, you look liked you've crashed into me a couple of times. I know looks can be deceiving, and you're still the one who knows what your motives/intentions/mission could be. I bet both of your kills so far has been crackhead kills. I'm still a little upset at both. Spare the rod or spoil the child? I can change my mind anytime I want but I'll mostly spare the rod for now, you dog. Besides the one I mentioned that you DID DENY TO MY FACE is another kill where I had nowhere to go. Speaking of handling things, you really weren't handling me well that day. What a mean frisk that was with my innocence. Maybe you have your own way of being a Faulker to cover up your truth, but you're a pretty mean Faulker. I don't know who gave you the power to do that but I was pretty upset about it. You really could be just another Chris Cornell #1 Zero on my list. I don't know if you would be the #1 zero, because I know I have a lot of zeros. There may be a day where I make my own asshole contest with who ranks in zeros. This is why you are impossible Spike. If you want me to talk, I don't have much to work with. I'm guessing that you're just being the vague riddler for now to see which direction I'll go. A little seduced, but not fooled. Am I carefree? Ahhhhaahahahaa........... While you are impossible, am I alone in being tormented by the handling games between us? I get some of the upperhand you could give yourself if I am seriously easy, yet there is still a difference between carefree and easy isn't there? I bet I could find another upperhand with you Faulker, besides just the name Faulker. What is it you are up to.?.?. Besides some handling past, what are you out to do? Something just fun and games, or do you have some sort of seriousness or trick up your sleeve? You leave me with no other choice but to be curious. I know you want me to want you...........

Dear Barilla

XOXOXOXOXO Barilla, you may or may not dislike the things that come along with capitalism. In my world, it looked like to me, there were two men that had a share with you. It seems as if they are still connected so, I have to have a couple of conversations going on at once.... I know I'm not a real hippie, but I know the casino man that I think about when I see your capitalism and symbolism...XOXOXOXOXO With Tom, it looks like he is rolling with being the old man and has his own backlash... With you, it is all in the sky...... I am still going to sign up to win for "30days of Joy," and despite some other signals, I will most likely try your recipes too. Speaking of recipes, I know how some men get their minds' in the gutter with "Mushrooms." Excuse me Mr. Barilla, but you can't take that step although you done did. I'm going to talk to Casino man first. Mr. Casino man, although you broke in my head in such a beautifully, mature, and understanding way (in the wrong place by the way where I almost cried) how could you switch up everything with the "forget what I said" immaturity. While your hook and bait was something unexpected, out of nowhere, and the real piece of heart you took, how could you just kerplunk and ruin it like that? What are you really trying to say to me here Mr. Casino Man? What is it you are getting at? Loving emotional men don't exist and neither does the snowflake theory and all men are going to just lie to degrade me in one way or another no matter what? YOU CAN'T BE A FROG! How could you even think I would think suicide knowing the way you broke in my head knowing the pride and self-worth that I had and have? How could you just do that to me? Maybe it is just the holidays getting to you and you are thinking like a jovial santa clause (I know you're lean) where it is nothing but a mere sexual joke (not a gigantic sick joke assault)? Maybe you took some of Tom's feedback food of the old man and have a share with Tom (I know you are old too) and what Tom's response looks like " ok ok ok I'm an old man, my time is ticking too, now let's just both DO and suck me." I really do hate how capitalism works because not all communication is the same. Casino man, I was still thinking along the lines of "Lady and the Tramp," and you knowing you want to be the chef and make the pasta while I get the dessert and wine. Or whatever your view of hippie sex was having some sort of picnic in a lovely little field. Or in the winter, a cozy cabin in the woods with a fireplace where I knit you a hat and scarf. Whatever happened to "That's amore" ? Whichever man, I know you're old. But, could you accept the fact that I really do think you are attractive and really do want a better approach and mucho swavay moves to happen. Lady and the Tramp. You're making me ask and you ruined it that much more.

Tom Tom Tom

hhmmmmmmmmm.......... not putting me out of my misery enough. I see your mixed signals. The best way of calming me down that you have given me yet is letting me win with "Lily." That was something of relief to hear. I will not be compared to Tabitha, Becky, or other Lily's. My snowflake war has a strong connection to my name of Lily. Karma is the weakest and most pitiful connection to never make. So, you're my Joel and I'm your Victoria? hmmmmm. I know I can't deny I want to be your sexual pleasure.......Well, she may not be connected to Victoria's Secrets, but I can only guess that that is probably where your mind is. If it is connected to the church, maybe you see me as a serious "effective teammate" in somehow be a life provider/inspiration with you. Whatever way you are thinking, it is what you only know. Back to wanting to sexually please you..... You really do appear to not be the most slave laboring when it has come to other men who do believe in slavery. Nothing has yet to happen and that is why I don't take you seriously. If you were to keep rolling and taking yourself seriously, you look like a man of polygamy who may not be making a slave out of me, but you are a man of polygamy and that is that. I may not be your most favorite wife or have the most favorite body, but you won't necessarily make me your reject either......... I am not out of my misery enough. I'm just not. The day you seriously want to sleep with me and/or pay me money may happen. But what happens when I want the real marriage of fidelity and faithfulness that I want? What happens if I do have a satisfying amount of money and I just leave you at that? Am I still going to be your captive feeling locked in for the rest of my life and knowing life will never get any better? Are you really ever going to give me money, or let me go after I've been satisfied? While I'm not completely possessive, there would just be sometimes where I couldn't handle the polygamy more than others. Maybe you will take the main threats away where you will not only let me be "Lily" but you would accept the fact that I will always be queen of my own world. Who knows. I am thinking ahead though. If you are going to keep leading me on and me seeing the hints you give bad and good, you have some idea of how I know I am thinking ahead. I'm not taking our "marriage," too seriously~~~ I see us still as carefree playmates until you make me cry or bleed in some way to manipulate into needing each other because you want to keep me around and I am the meat for not being strong enough to take the rejection by not being upset in some way (even if I am innocently upset). I'm just not put out of my misery enough.

Lots of Thoughts

Busy busy day. The day is not over yet and plenty of things to do. A lot of anxiety right now that I can only wait out. I just filed for unemployment and have to wait out the process once again. Another period where I have to suffer more financial and life lack of security. How will I ever get out of this town when I'll always be challenged by impossible and inferior totalitarianism? ...... I am just starting on a new Netflix TV series, "Lie to Me." While I know what my real outlook is, the TV series probably is just a temporary "trap" for me to view "watch while we rape you more." The TV series of "Lie to Me," is just something I will have to find out about............ Thinking out loud........ Tom really isn't on my good side. I guess if anything, we are each others willing and carefree playmates for now. I still want Barilla the most. I don't know what his real name is. Two different possible backgrounds he could come from to be connected to with me: 1. The real actual Catherine Zeta Jones is doing something nice for me to meet a past friend of hers. 2. This is a terrorist story from Stacy and my dad (Dr. Who is one of my dad's fav shows): watch us screw your ignorance more by hooking you up with a bisexual/ possibly orgy friend or just gay mate of my fathers. How terrible it would be if this is just another Jon Stewart arbitrage where he keeps burying me alive with his lies. I'm really hoping the 1. is the real truth. ........................................... Well, I can spend my time getting ready for the next last 2 craft shows. The misery is knowing it doesn't even compare to a regular part time income. At least it is some way to try to make money. I had a lot of ideas I didn't get to this year, but it was supposed to be for a good reason............. A lot of frustration and anxiety. I really don't know how to reach Barilla. Tom really just looks like the same repetitive story that isn't going to get anywhere. Anxiety and time time time time to wait out.

gripped

You are an impossible cougar that I don't completely understand. I really don't have much to say now. I feel mostly listless and like I want to be quietly alone. I can tell you are still leading me on and leading another on, or keeping on leading several women on at once. You definitely seem like a swinger/ confusing Berlusconi guy. You seem like you could have no jealousy at all, and maybe do believe in orgies or swinging. I'm really not comfortable with it at all. Maybe you really are questioning me.... Am I guilty of being a mistress of Chris, the leading man of Coldplay? Maybe I'm off on the blond woman and it isn't Gwyneth (don't know how to spell) Paltrow. I really do hate the judgement or accusation of being seen as some sort of dominate homewrecker or mistress with several men.... I don't see myself that way at all. Maybe some guys do have crushes on me sometimes, but I've never seen myself as going all the way or making it happen. I think he did say something terrible to me at his concert, but it was one of those hits that I can't remember what was even said. He did seem to come on to me a little with Sarah Palin, but the terrible thing was said after he talked about Sarah. Of course I would have a little bit of a crush on Chris too, but the idea of some kind of relationship wasn't something I would dream possible to carry through...... While you keep playing the game and have me gripped, it seems you are putting the whole subjective thing aside to say: "well look at the obvious gesture and choice I have now." Maybe it is that way; or you are either deceptive or avoidant. I just don't have much to say right now... quiet and listless.

Love laughs and oh no no no

Tom, I'm not sure if the American Idol is on your agenda. Of course I trust my own judgement and it matters to me that people recognize that I know I have my own views and confidence in my judgement. Even if I qualify to being a good, sound judge of character in your eyes, American Idol wasn't necessary what I was going for. Don't make me cry if this is your manipulation and I'm still stuck in the same rut of getting nowhere. I have demands and needs that have to be met. If it is you who is intimidating me with your wealth, it is working for the most part, but please don't forget me and what my real circumstances are right now. Please don't forget me. Please don't manipulate me like that while keeping my reality the same. I feel like you're already breaking my heart. If I am completely defenseless to this manipulation, you are breaking my heart. I would feel very taken advantage of and like you are with the rest of people who have no clue with what humanity is. How could you lead me on like that and just forget that even I won't deny my neediness. Please don't say you're heartless like that.

Sugar for Sugar

From a sincere fan's heart, xoxoxoxoxoxoxo Sugar I appreciate the way you light up my life with just who you are and the piece of media today with however the story adds up in our world. I wouldn't be surprised if Kim was punished with the label of Kim Jong il. She'd probably still gloat at whatever power she was credited for. I also appreciate the "missile," phrase that was put into parenthesis. You ease a little of my pain in acknowledging, yes I seriously hate her arrogance. I hate being lied about and there is some significance when I feel like I'm being looked at the right way. While Kim may have some kind of capitalist punishment in her tyranny. I still question how much corruption there is with it all. Does she still get away with other things? Do people still pay attention to actions speak louder than words and are they really keeping a close watch on her actions? It really is Jon who is the biggest nightmare of anyone and everyone for the lies he made to and about me and the way he broke my heart. I should get some kind of restraining order with Kim. With how corruption goes, it feels impossible to get any kind of restraining order with anyone. I still wish the worst thoughts on Jon. I still hate Kim. Jon should get the most credit of being a nightmare. I'm just talking; I'm not expecting you to be a white knight with every enemy I have in my life. I can't help but want to take advantage of the little bit of rest and relief I have found. xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxox I would love to go to one of your upcoming concerts. If you still have concerts going on in the next couple of months and some things are still working well on my end, I just may have to give myself a little bit of vacation to go to your concert. xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo

What a weekend ahead

First, I'll just talk about the talk that I see. Right now, I think it is either Josh or Travis who are saying the most ridiculously terrible things about me. I don't know. I don't know how I made such an enemy of Travis. I'm just keeping it with; I think they are ridiculous. Maybe there is some other reason that they would want my attention. I really don't have much of a clue why they would be that way. With Josh, and the drama we had in the past, maybe he is doing anything he can for revenge and would be willing to have the most ridiculous revenge at that.
This weekend is going to be super busy and I am somewhat excited. I am taking on a new load with the part time job that I found. I am relieved for now. I also have a planned yardsale, so that is another thing to be a little excited for. I may have some other plans, but it is up in the air now.
I think there is a good bit of drama going on in "As the Sarah Turns." I'm sure the media has some motive of bullshitting about me sometimes but, I know there is a lot that I ignore. With the things that are going on in my world, I'm not saying much for now. I feel there is a guessing game going on in someone's arbitrage right now, but the guessing game isn't clear enough. Therefore, there should be no expectations from anyone for me to be making decisions during the mystery game. I'm simply staying at bay for now. Other stories kept to myself.......

Random Thoughts

Whew what a week. Things going on. I'm tired of getting sick. Sick on nothing but Thursdays..... Maybe it is just the seasons changing. Who knows.
I have a new job and it is definitely one of those jobs to tough out. Being a sales person is not a piece of cake. It is another thing that only time will tell......
Another busy time of year for me anyway. Busy and expensive. I can't believe Mitzi is turning 1. While there is celebration for her party; I have to ignore my depression and brink of despair for now. I've got most out of the way. I just need to prepare for her party.
Life has been so busy, I can't believe I have the time to sit down and write a blog. There's been times in my head where I could have plenty to talk about but just don't have a lot of chatter right now.
There is not a lot of drama. There is not a lot of a story. I still have a lot of anger for several different reasons. I wish there was more I could do for myself. I hate the way my life has been out of control and there have been times I have been intentionally reminded of my anger and just burn some more. Of course there are always the arrogant or egocentric people breathing down the back of my neck waiting to be a nigger and lie about the credit, but it is just another thing to outlast. Outsurviving, outliving, and outlasting my anger was much easier in my younger years. It was easier to put things aside and pursue other options or interests. Because stalkers and harassers exist and weigh on me; it has never been as comparitively easy. It isn't that I want to deny having the emotion of anger; it is just that life was easier at another time. If there was a crowd reading this, yes I really am talking to myself. I am not seeking advice or a counseling session about my anger. Yet, harassers may exist.

Random Thoughts and More

Where do I start? Frustrating weekend. Snow, forgetfulness, business, and a bunch of random things that add up. I wanted to go to an event this weekend but it totally crossed my mind over making an official reservation. Too late now. At least I reinformed myself to save myself from the forgetful embarassment. A lot of things to do anyway. Some of my crafts are coming along and some I need to make a few tweeks and trying to be patient in figuring out my sewing machine...... My etsy account is already running but going to make a few more additions and advertising over the weekend......
It leads my next thoughts with: As the Sarah Turns..... I have learned to stay calm during specific kinds of abuse over certain people and things, but I remain baffled as to why I am such an ignored and forgotten about person? It seems more that it isn't I'm just being ignored, I'm purposefully and sadistically being ignored over certain issues. Don't people get how much their violent pestering reflects on them???.......
The first guy I won't mention his name. If he is paying attention, he'll know who he is. The good before the bad and the ugly: At least he has some kind of emotional compassion to recognize a hurt and breaking heart. (I've already noticed the bisexual relationship after that anyway; he still has a point to make over it?)  I think he already knows that I have some kind of an attraction to him but that fact only goes so far. It was mostly a certain absolute commercial amongst the arbitrage where I lost total interest. It was the Absolute commercial, which flavor I don't remember, where an Asian woman was singing in the dessert. No offense to Asia, but for me personally, it was a continued, sadistic, morbid, violent, intentionally harassing attack that has been another violent bomb against me. I know I'm not a nobody. Whether I ever share what I think or feel; I still know that I exist. The things that are being intentionally ignored are: that previous statement; me denying several peoples' god complexes, and knowing I have nothing to prove to anyone. Continuously, morbidly, sadistically ignored. I continue to just stare back; what on earth????? How morbid and neverendingly sadistic some people are. I know for myself I took Jon's rejection the first time, but why is it he thinks I should be so sadistically tormented or be killed like that? Not Jon I'm talking about now in this paragraph, but Mr. You know who you are, why would you continue with that specific attack? The attack has been denied from the start. He is an oxymoron anyway for already have given me some kind of acknowledgement over other things. HOWEVER he is bringing it on himself where he is on my rejected list  BECAUSE OF subjecting me for the sake of Kim. He is definitely a Mr. Wrong. I'm obviously a reject of his but he doesn't get it. It isn't just Kim, but any other bitch that any man expects me to be subjected to will always be on my Mr. Wrong loser list. I seriously would rather them acknowledge that and get the message and just be on their way rather than continue to sadistically ignore me like that. I havn't seen all his arbitrage movies yet. If I do watch one, it is only out of curiosity.
No more time wasted.
No more time wasted and on to the next guy.... There are one or two now that I think I'm getting a catcall from. I really don't have much of a comment for now. I am hesitant and don't see myself as giving in to either . Not enough trust or rapport.
Chris Cornell. I know he has let me down before. I'm not completely understanding his arbitrage or what is completely going on presently. His last pick up line a few weeks ago was enough. I don't see a need to give up on his imagination game and will put more effort into being patient or waiting on whatever is coming from him. I do have some curiosity on the movie with Johnny Depp and Angelina Jolie "The Tourist," but not completely sold on the fantasy. If it was directed at me, he must have forgotten about the Ting Tings and the "That's not my name song." For whatever reason, some men still want to refer to me as Lisa anyway. That's just not my name. I saw the offer for Hamilton again and I am definitely not interested in working in that kind of environment again. I still do not understand the purpose of that level of hate to this day and don't plan on spending my life to research and figure out why. If he does have another job offer, I'll just wait for that, but I have no other choice to just stick with what I have now. Chris does have some smoothness in the way he leaves me guessing and recent spontaneity. I know he is another guy where it most likely will never realistically work but he seems pretty harmless right now.
I have reason to grip myself tightly sometimes but there is no reason to break a sweat right now. steady paced and running.