Dear Jon

Where do I begin?
I'm still on the first season of Mad Men. I'm getting some kind of idea; but there has been nothing that has really struck out as me as a valid piece of information to get or understand anything.
You continue on with some of your Prince rage. Oh master, how could I let you down with not being antibacterial enough? From now on, I



that I will be more mindful and alert of times that I should have more regard for the values of cleanliness. (I really do see this as a pathetic battle and reason to be stalked and have people breathing down the back of my neck). It is only you that I'm answering to, and while I am at it, I'll tease your mind a little that I may just buy one of those French Maid costumes to wear around the house while I am cleaning after my pregnancy is up.
...............................................
On to other thoughts. I'm getting bothered at how you are wanting to call the shots with rape. I was pretty pissed at some phone conversations I've had with the baby's father. I even asked him when he was talking and being judgemental, if he was directing his conversation at me and sees it as: himself raping me with a "teenager," mentality. He denied that he meant it that way when I asked. I really don't know why he would want me to call it rape. I think if anything, it is another strategy to make me feel insecure both in my sexuality and personality. I really don't know what guy would want to be called a rapist and deny that I was willing? Why?
After the night it happened, which was another typical fling and one night stand for me, I could consider him a social rapist. I already see him in a rage where he has turned my free speech into me being his stalker and predator and the one who is psycho and the bad guy. I think the answer to my previous question of rape and this thought is about a matter of responsibility. Of course it would be easier for him to do anything he could to make me feel insecure and trash talk my name so he wouldn't feel anymore responsible than what he is. I really have been upset at how he has been handling it and I'm sick of his trash talking and victimization.

I know I throw the word "rape" around a lot and have even made jokes out of it. Despite some action, I will not deny that I have moments where I really am very serious about the term of "rape."

Maybe you seriously did plan for me to be pregnant and -the day after pill- I took was a placebo. Maybe you have some kind of plan for me to permanently stay damned to you where it is framed more at my fault to be damned to you. ?

I'm still happy to be pregnant and a mother despite the baby's dad or even you who would want to ruin it for me.
......................................

It matters that you have some extent to being on the same page as me and in my world right now. I'm not understanding all that is going on with you. I can tell we are being pulled closer together right now, and it matters to me that you get me to some extent.
I know a few months ago I was the one who initially had a loud pity party for myself. You or the baby's father could have taken it in a vain and egocentric way and maybe that is the explanation of why you have called it rape. With how he has been and the history I do have with you, there really is an extent of self-pity. However, it isn't just about you, unless you would say and prove in all seriousness that you have been responsible for every ounce of tyranny in my life. I doubt the other John would have that ability or control. As for you, I question how much you are responsible for.
I really don't want to wear my heart on my sleeve, but it was one of those moments where I didn't know how to not breathe. With the experience I've already had in dealing with people lying and telling the truth, I really wanted to get a piece of my honesty out there: that I feel sorry for myself and the baby with how much of a hated person I am and how messed up and screwed over my life situation has been. The Carrie Underwood song is very true. I'm just not out to rub in how true it is. I want the truth out there yet I want to protect myself at the same time. It is just another instance where I can never win.
I'm already sick of how much people trash talk my name and test me and abuse me in the worst way. I'm so sickened of how arrogant people are and some of the testing they've gotten away with. People don't want to be responsible for anything. People do not want to see their tyranny for the truth it is. I have felt ignored and denied for the longest time. I'm sick of how desperate people are for me to be their underdog. I'm also fed up with the other sick and psychotic games people have played with the testing and abuse. Not only am I "the more than willing victim," but I am also more than the blamed victim with the expectation that I'm supposed to have an explanation for people and be their maid over the sake of their trash talk. I hate the China stereotype not just for China, but myself for what the stereotypes have been. I hate how arrogant and sick people are.
I have never lost confidence in my intelligence or judgement. Just because I know I am not the first priority and even am aware that I am hated, means nothing. People have their own illogical fallacies all of the time and it is another example where I am expected to have my emotions and feelings controlled for the irrationalities and irresponsibilities of others and also have to maid and mother people by correcting their fallacies. People will deny that they want me to be the boss, but in the end, it is expected of me to correct someone's irrationalities and irresponsibilities and also to be emotional over it. With some explanation of my feelings, I'm already feeling I'm being forced to suck it for a large number of people that I've already put on my rapist and authoritarian list. This explanation feels so raped out of me right now. It feels disgusting and gross to have to express myself like this.

I'm still offended that people have yet to silence Maggie, my sister, and a few other women for their sick arrogance and accusations. I do take serious offense that they havn't backed down and nobody is standing in their way and that people still think they deserve to be above me. I'm still very offended by their arrogance and trash talking and how everything has been dealt with. It isn't anything new; it is the same old bullshit.

I have already told you that I do not know how to not breathe. I do not know how to reduce more violence in my life. I do not know how to lie in some instances. There are some people who are out of control and I just don't know how to handle some people. It does bother me when I have to feel responsible of not being experienced enough or "respectable" or "dominate" enough when people are out of my control. This is another instance where I hate feeling scapegoated. It isn't fair for me to be so damned or for people to feel entitled to waste my time. I don't care over the fact that I am poor. I'm sick of people using my class of wealth against me and being biased and prejudiced over it where it is ok for them to waste my time and it is ok for me to have to be subjected to whatever they think.
I'm not going to go much further with that. I'll just say an in intentional fake way: "how dare I express myself like that." I'll keep catching up on "Mad Men," and talking through it. I don't have much commentary now, but I may eventually have more comments and stuff to say. Maybe you would like my silence the most.

thoughts

I had to keep the baby blog separate. I just might look back and read all of my blogs one day. I already hate that I have so many ideas crammed into one blog sometimes, but that is just how I do it......
I am ok. I am ok.
I think someone might have been making a pass at me earlier. Right now there are just 2 main hunches, but I really don't know which guy I should be paranoid with. I can tell I'm in several stockholms right now. It is quiet and I am supposed to be the paranoid person that I am. I just don't know what it really is that I need to pick up on. Sometimes, I think there is more to it than just a couple minutes of company. I don't know what to say right now in regards to the stockholms. I'm just going to stay quiet with it.

As for other thoughts.... I was very surprised when I learned that I am getting a significant tax refund. It still isn't a whole lot of money, but in this brokeness that I've been living in, it is a good chunk of money for now. I could use a little relief. I don't have to spend one of my savings bonds now or yet. Yay for me. It is another good thing besides having knit some of the baby attire.
I was grateful for the charity of the free tax service. I could already tell I was somehow being stared at in the matrix and some continued things of obsessions over me. I just ignored it and did what I was there to do: get my taxes filed. People overassume and read into everything all of the time, but I hate that I got paranoid over a simple remark of: "thank you for your free services." There really are a lot of places that would reference themself as a service. I guess I'm just so used to being around stalkers who constantly have their mind in the gutter and sometimes say their own assumptions out loud. I'm not going to be too desperate about it. It was nice of the free tax service but it wasn't nice to know I was being stared at and even obsessed over in an indirect and blinded way.
I think I have my mind officially made up though to join a local marathon team. I'll probably also try to save a chunck of that money to invest in taking a vacation. I havn't been on vacation in years. YEARS. I don't know if I want to save for a larger one when Mitzia is around 4 or 5 or if I want to give myself some kind of break now. I really need to get away. I've listened to Lenny Kravitz song enough times to be ready for a getaway at any time.

I think there is some other stockholmed light comedy going on now with several people which is something like "The Secret Police." hmph. It could give some answers but I don't think it is going to explain anything. Maybe some kind of mental vacation or just joking and messing around because people are bored and looking for something to do. Sock puppets. God, I have been reminded of an earlier blinded stockholm. While I have some slight embarassment over my isolated goofiness; I'm still mad to know that someone was possessively watching me and even wants to intentionally further ridicule and embarass me. yada yada yada

I don't have much else to say right now. Too many aches. I'm not going to talk about all of my health problems. I think I'm just going to stop typing now.

Someone just say something

I have already been compromising. I have been sincerely and consciously compromising myself. I may not have compromised my entire being, but I have made some compromises. I've already said that I do not know how to not breathe......
I know with this transition in my life, job seeking is not the easiest thing to do or even available thing to do at this time. Maybe the big dogs, the big princes, the head honchos of the number of stockholmers really want me to be a stripper. Besides feeling the push, I just can't take so much inhumane treatment in workplaces. I can't handle the rigs; I can't handle the unfairness; I can't handle the way I am lied about; the arrogant and harassing people I've had to put up with; and above all else, I hate that people deny the entire reality and constantly reduce me to nothing. I just can't take it anymore.
I can easily see how hated of a person I am, but I can't see all of the architects or what their mentality or reasoning really is and what it could be trying to say. I'm probably already getting under someone's skin, but I've already said that I do not know how to not breathe. If someone is expecting me to say something; I really need a script because I do not know what I am expected to say. Say nothing and just be a stripper in about a year's time? I really don't know what is expected of me.
I do need the people who do know that they have the control to be more direct and straight-forward. If my entire being is once again denied as it has been, I would assume the answer is they want me to commit suicide or for me to find ways to play along with "their undeniable truth," that their architect mind has said about my being and undeniable definition of it.
I've already felt choked and suffocated and with how this isolation is right now; I just can't take it. I've already said mercy to a few people; I just don't know what it is that anyone wants. I really don't know.

Jon

~speaking from a laid back and easy going posture and state of mind~

Jon,
Right now, I see you as hard to read more than anything. I see myself more as coming to you in this instance than to try to meet any specific demands. I don't take you and Steve seriously or at face value when playing around. As for you being my Brawny man, you are and you aren't safe. It is a win-lose with some things. I also take you as a multiple texter who has the potential to respond in any kind of way and maybe even in a trapping way. How could life get any riskier?
Anyway, I'm going to try your Brawny man out a little more. Life is usually pretty heavy and tough for me. I think some days are worse than others and the days that are worse are especially more difficult when being alone. I think some media and gossip circuits have been going around a little more. The Penelope Cruz pirate has already been out of the box, but sometimes people get it in different ways with this island that I'm on. I have a down to earth life and media life to juggle where it has never been fair or even with any kind of reasonable structure or life. It is like I feel the weight of being famous without literally being famous or rich, but still have some consequences to deal with anyway. This is a reason why I feel taken advantage of by the media. Of course I'm going to be easier on you for the time, but I don't think you are the only famous and wealthy person responsible.
Something odd is going on at the hospital that I'm not getting. This is a time where I don't get the matrix or networking and I think I'm not the only person who is confused with how things are networked and concluded.
I still feel ignored as a person. I still feel like I am in the middle of some abstract mess where people do nothing but compete to see whose slave I am going to be.
Your other women.........hmph..... Jon, I just feel I'm in an impossible situation with this. While I think some people would deny me, other people could catch on to who I am. In a figurative sense, there really is no breathing room. I can't tell if it is just you that sadistically wants to feel pleasure over the people I have to put up with, or if you have any kind of expectation or demand of me to deny myself and make the best acting job I can that: I am inferior, they are to be feared, I should worship the ground they walk on, their judgement is above mine, they are far better at anything than I will ever be, that I'm a bimbo. I could say I feel that they definitely want me to be their underdog, but with you it seems like it is multiple texting to see how and who will respond to you. If you are expecting me to be their underdog, people's hate is something I obviously can't control, but when it comes to myself, I feel like there is no safe way to work with it. I feel no matter what I do; I can't win. I don't know what it is that you are expecting.
Katie is still at a distance. Although I hate her harassment, accusations, stalking, and desperations of all sorts, I still have a concern for her. This isn't about codependence or domination games. It really is a comment where people win some and lose some and the people that are on my side, she is a danger to herself. It is just one of those things where I have no other choice but to let go and have her learn for herself, but with how it is with my sister and I, everything is impossible between us. I'm still tired of her aggressiveness and hostility that is from her being full of herself. A guess right now could be that her current hostility is about thinking that I'm after David and wanting to wreck them, or it is the usual domination battle where she is desperate to say that I am her inferior.
Katie isn't the only person I have to put up with. I'm just so impatient Jon. I'm so impatient with so many people and I feel like my life is on the line no matter what I do. I'm ignored as a person and people are always going to be catty in playing domination games. I don't know how to help myself. With how your Brawny man is with all of your women; I don't know if you're going to be much to lean on either. I don't know how to find protection. I don't know how to disarm people. I don't know what to expect from you.
I don't know how to not breath.

~Master I love you ~ you know I need you ~ got to have you ~ can't be without you~