You may already be planning to disappoint me in someway. I request before you do that, to give me a breather and show some support for awhile and let me be the one to help you get me. I have been very exhausted lately and havn't been paying a lot of attention to your show. I will eventually be rested up, but in the meantime, I will try to pay attention unless you do get too disappointing.
It is probably obvious with how much I hate my life.
I may not completely understand the conspiracy, matrix, or system of it all yet, but there have been some people I have been taking notes on. Personally, I think it is nothing but a waste of time, and I have such an undescribable anger that someone has been given the entitlement to waste my time. This matrix, system, set up, and rigs was never my choice. Although there are so many people who would want to say I am the one who is the control freak, there is such a long list of things that I am not responsible for whatsoever. Some people do live to make me miserable with how they rape my life.
Not only will the people responsible never be fair, but it isn't fair with how hard I've worked in my life, some of the choices I have already made, and some dreams I have, to have to experience a communist life like this.
There is some partial belief with the whole snitch concept and I must be up against some sort of black market multimillion dollar illegal drug corporation. I also think there has to be something more to it than whatever and however I am being "protected," from some drug thugs.
Some people want to demonize and accuse me to death of dogs and beastiality (which I have thought is nothing other than their jealousy of who I am as a person and their desperate attempts to ruin, slander, and desperately labelize my name).
Some people want me to be gay and be tormented by women and put it on me that I'm the one who is the "pervert."
Some people take the politcal stigma extremely seriously and I get caught up in extremist groups and unintelligable pigeon-holing when those extremist people are making judgement about me. Some people who are extreme in gay support would say that they believe they are supreme because they are bisexual and say that I must be closed-minded and inferior because I want to be straight. I never had any sort of supremacy battle over couple preference in the first place.
There are also endless lists of political issues where people fail to see me in my down to earth world and have extremely unreasonable expectations and judgement over who I am as a person.
It really does disgust me that some people really think they deserve to be so communistic and make so many calls over my life. It disgusts me how desperate people are with tormenting me by always being told what to do by someone. It is like people live to condescend me constantly and tell me what to do. They hatefully are in such serious denial with their own personal problems and I will always be the scapegoat where "I am the one who is incapable of being independent or incapable of doing anything at all." People will always be desperate to say that.
I don't understand the matrix. But in the system, I've learned how many hateful and desperate psychos there are in the world. So many enemies and sadists. I just don't get it. I don't get it at all.
I do not understand why my life is the way it is.
Wednesday, August 31, 2011
Sunday, August 28, 2011
I'm literally, locally, famous
LOL. ~laughing~ There were a few people calling me a celeb today. I did get an interview yesterday at the festival, but I wasn't expecting front page. I also laughed to myself at some belittlement: "Yes, aren't I Little Miss Popular?" I am officially center of attention: real name, real picture. I have to admit, there is a new pressure there with how I am in the spotlight. Too bad this festival had to end early because of the rain, but there were only a couple of hours left by the time it rained.
I'm definitely planning on working some overtime with my crafts for another festival in a couple of weeks. I wish I would have spent more time in getting ready for more winter accessories, but these past couple of weeks have been so exhausting for me.
Burmuda/Australia fame? Nothing really exciting or new. I think people have connected me to Gaga before, and this recent sexual exploit today is a yawn and an unfair and desperate exploit. How dare I be naked in my own bedroom? How dare I? Goodness to heavens, where will I ever be able to get dressed? How dare I ever be naked?
I'm not really clicking on a lot of news. There are some periods of time where I just don't care to know or want to know some things. When I view the media and make my own personal observations of gossip that is either about myself or someone else, I do it at my leisure. Lately, I'm just exhausted and thinking of other things.
Some good news is that I had one interview and another lined up. There is no guarantee, but chances are looking good that I may just get a job. I really can't stand another bubble of hope burst over unemployment anymore. I just can't take it.
I could talk all day about the pains of being poor. My mom has been such a pain lately over the issue. As angry and frustrated as I get myself, I refuse to be a sexual harasser like other people. (And for so many that have their mind in the gutter, just frustrated. Not sexually frustrated. I still want to vomit over how many sick perverts exist in this world).
Nonetheless, I am a supermodel
(I know it is blurry and dark, but as a poor model, I can't afford a professional photographer).
I simply bitch at the way she is. She gets to take a complete week's vacation. I havn't been on vacation in the last couple of years. She has a fit every single time I ask for money even if it is as little as 10 or 15 bucks. She bitches all the time about me getting a job, forgetting how active I've been in trying to find one. She acts as if I purposefully want to be her bumb and as if I don't even want to have a job. Just because I won't tolerate some people doesn't mean that I don't want a job. I won't even tolerate my family with some things they do or say. They'll probably test anyway and B.S. and ignorantly talk about me to their own satisfaction. I am painfully poor. Painfully poor. I'm not asking for family counseling either. I'm just wanting a job and enough of an income to get out of here.
I'm definitely planning on working some overtime with my crafts for another festival in a couple of weeks. I wish I would have spent more time in getting ready for more winter accessories, but these past couple of weeks have been so exhausting for me.
Burmuda/Australia fame? Nothing really exciting or new. I think people have connected me to Gaga before, and this recent sexual exploit today is a yawn and an unfair and desperate exploit. How dare I be naked in my own bedroom? How dare I? Goodness to heavens, where will I ever be able to get dressed? How dare I ever be naked?
I'm not really clicking on a lot of news. There are some periods of time where I just don't care to know or want to know some things. When I view the media and make my own personal observations of gossip that is either about myself or someone else, I do it at my leisure. Lately, I'm just exhausted and thinking of other things.
Some good news is that I had one interview and another lined up. There is no guarantee, but chances are looking good that I may just get a job. I really can't stand another bubble of hope burst over unemployment anymore. I just can't take it.
I could talk all day about the pains of being poor. My mom has been such a pain lately over the issue. As angry and frustrated as I get myself, I refuse to be a sexual harasser like other people. (And for so many that have their mind in the gutter, just frustrated. Not sexually frustrated. I still want to vomit over how many sick perverts exist in this world).
Nonetheless, I am a supermodel
(I know it is blurry and dark, but as a poor model, I can't afford a professional photographer).
I simply bitch at the way she is. She gets to take a complete week's vacation. I havn't been on vacation in the last couple of years. She has a fit every single time I ask for money even if it is as little as 10 or 15 bucks. She bitches all the time about me getting a job, forgetting how active I've been in trying to find one. She acts as if I purposefully want to be her bumb and as if I don't even want to have a job. Just because I won't tolerate some people doesn't mean that I don't want a job. I won't even tolerate my family with some things they do or say. They'll probably test anyway and B.S. and ignorantly talk about me to their own satisfaction. I am painfully poor. Painfully poor. I'm not asking for family counseling either. I'm just wanting a job and enough of an income to get out of here.
Thursday, August 25, 2011
Lots of random thoughts
At first, I thought Dane may have been wanting to make another smooth move. But what is it really? An accusation, that when some numbers are decoded, means that I am, "guilty." This is extremely immature. Not only do I seriously deal with sexual abuse, but a dumbass rich person gets to win "judge," with an immature karma battle. This is pathetic. I can't believe NY is being ridiculous like this. Well, actually I can.
Dane has given me the impression that he feels threatened by some people who will take me for my word and give me support, and the only reason that he backs down and is supportive for me, is his lying out of his fear to stay alive.
He is being a Russian in this article to say: "Yes, I still really hate you bitch." (and will probably plot with other wealthy people over some excuse to have me killed.) So, he is not a white knight, he is an immature, lying, dumbass making his own Gadaffi moves.
Oh, and I'm pissed of at Martin O Malley's immature move as well. What a hateful man to lie and trash my name like that. You'd think that an actual professional who really is a literal politician would be an actual professional, but he's just another lying dumbass Gadaffi rock thrower.
http://www.nytimes.com/2011/08/26/us/26priests.html?_r=1&smid=tw-nytimes&seid=auto
Besides his Gadaffi move, Dane has played other mind games where he is seducing me. I hate him. I want to kick him. I also think he wants to manipulate me with someone else because I don't give him the attention he demands. He thinks I will either beg or let go because there is once again another woman available to meet needs that I won't yet meet. There is no such thing as getting over it time or any sort of explanation or apology in his world. It sometimes leaves me confused. He comes around the time that I feel most in the desert and most vulnerable where it is a piece of cake for him. He just doesn't care enough to not make things worse. I hate him and I have a hard time dealing with his asshole sometimes. I hate him.
Danica Patrick? Maybe it is the way I am coming across with CNN for the "marketing." I don't know. It is another foodstamp/doll that really doesn't mean as much for me as it does to other commies. I make no money. I'm still unemployed. I'm the one who feels taken advantage of. So the flattery, it just doesn't buy me, even though there is some kind compliments given.
I'm still on edge with getting a job.
I'm still anorexic to a lot of things.
I feel I have been ignoring Maggie for awhile now. I also have a guess that she isn't taking a hint or will not stop stalking me. I meant what I said when I disowned the friendship and don't want to be friends anymore. I meant what I said when I think she is another commie who somehow gets the entitlement to fuck around in the socialist tyranny and communism that I have yet to rid. She needs to take no for an answer. My mind has not changed.
As for the sexual abuse, there still is someone that I really want to murder, or someone to murder them for me. I think it is an ATK interrogator who thinks "they are doing their job." It is Sexual abuse and I want them dead.
Dane has given me the impression that he feels threatened by some people who will take me for my word and give me support, and the only reason that he backs down and is supportive for me, is his lying out of his fear to stay alive.
He is being a Russian in this article to say: "Yes, I still really hate you bitch." (and will probably plot with other wealthy people over some excuse to have me killed.) So, he is not a white knight, he is an immature, lying, dumbass making his own Gadaffi moves.
Oh, and I'm pissed of at Martin O Malley's immature move as well. What a hateful man to lie and trash my name like that. You'd think that an actual professional who really is a literal politician would be an actual professional, but he's just another lying dumbass Gadaffi rock thrower.
http://www.nytimes.com/2011/08/26/us/26priests.html?_r=1&smid=tw-nytimes&seid=auto
Besides his Gadaffi move, Dane has played other mind games where he is seducing me. I hate him. I want to kick him. I also think he wants to manipulate me with someone else because I don't give him the attention he demands. He thinks I will either beg or let go because there is once again another woman available to meet needs that I won't yet meet. There is no such thing as getting over it time or any sort of explanation or apology in his world. It sometimes leaves me confused. He comes around the time that I feel most in the desert and most vulnerable where it is a piece of cake for him. He just doesn't care enough to not make things worse. I hate him and I have a hard time dealing with his asshole sometimes. I hate him.
Danica Patrick? Maybe it is the way I am coming across with CNN for the "marketing." I don't know. It is another foodstamp/doll that really doesn't mean as much for me as it does to other commies. I make no money. I'm still unemployed. I'm the one who feels taken advantage of. So the flattery, it just doesn't buy me, even though there is some kind compliments given.
I'm still on edge with getting a job.
I'm still anorexic to a lot of things.
I feel I have been ignoring Maggie for awhile now. I also have a guess that she isn't taking a hint or will not stop stalking me. I meant what I said when I disowned the friendship and don't want to be friends anymore. I meant what I said when I think she is another commie who somehow gets the entitlement to fuck around in the socialist tyranny and communism that I have yet to rid. She needs to take no for an answer. My mind has not changed.
As for the sexual abuse, there still is someone that I really want to murder, or someone to murder them for me. I think it is an ATK interrogator who thinks "they are doing their job." It is Sexual abuse and I want them dead.
Dear CNN
I really do appreciate what you have been doing recently for me. The Gadaffi news and the reporter you made out of me. While it of course feels unsafe to be appreciative and may sound provoking, I just have to write thank you letters while I can.
I have been observant of some feedback today and unfortunately it is not going too well. The Gadaffi reporting does really match how I feel: A bunch of dumbass people who have no point and live to destroy me are constantly going at it with me with their arrogance and personal hate. I am once again being tormented with arrogance today when I read locally, "I am the only one who is hurt." It bothers me that some people just don't care about their reputation. I hate that I get buried alive constantly by ignorance and arrogance. I hate the things I lose to. I hate that I know I am intelligent, capable, and a hardworker, and it never matters. I hate that people will not admit how hated I am and that they really do have some personal issues with who I am as a person and are further expecting me to be damned for their sake. It is the truth with how I am treated.
I've already seen another blame game today where I am being blamed for being fired "with gossiping emails." I am once again losing to some ignorant sore losers who demand that I be at their mercy.
I would say that I am probably being stalked in an imperialist way and that there probably are some particular wealthy people of America who want to sadistically rub it in they will always get their way, even when looking like Gadaffi.
I'm sick of the tyranny. I'm sick of people being arrogant.
Besides how hard it is to find and keep a job, I hate how much people take advantage of me with media, movies, music, a whole list of things. I hate the abuse people expect me to put up with. I really hate the nerve of people to think I should be damned, at their mercy, or their slave.
My workplaces have been unfair and rigged, but inside and outside of the workplace, relationships are damned as well. There is always somebody who wants to treat me like a doll and call the shots with who I date. There seriously are people who want to dictate the relationship. Some people are hardcore into making me be gay. It gets so sick sometimes with relationships as well. It makes me want to vomit how vulnerable and helpless I am with the gossip that goes on.
So, please, you're doing the right thing by showing how little other people's arrogance means. You're doing the right thing in broadcasting the truth of my cockiness. I do appreciate it.
I just hate it when I feel I can never win. The media can only do so much. I just want a job. I feel my life is going to waste because of a long list of communists who want to selfishly run it.
I have been observant of some feedback today and unfortunately it is not going too well. The Gadaffi reporting does really match how I feel: A bunch of dumbass people who have no point and live to destroy me are constantly going at it with me with their arrogance and personal hate. I am once again being tormented with arrogance today when I read locally, "I am the only one who is hurt." It bothers me that some people just don't care about their reputation. I hate that I get buried alive constantly by ignorance and arrogance. I hate the things I lose to. I hate that I know I am intelligent, capable, and a hardworker, and it never matters. I hate that people will not admit how hated I am and that they really do have some personal issues with who I am as a person and are further expecting me to be damned for their sake. It is the truth with how I am treated.
I've already seen another blame game today where I am being blamed for being fired "with gossiping emails." I am once again losing to some ignorant sore losers who demand that I be at their mercy.
I would say that I am probably being stalked in an imperialist way and that there probably are some particular wealthy people of America who want to sadistically rub it in they will always get their way, even when looking like Gadaffi.
I'm sick of the tyranny. I'm sick of people being arrogant.
Besides how hard it is to find and keep a job, I hate how much people take advantage of me with media, movies, music, a whole list of things. I hate the abuse people expect me to put up with. I really hate the nerve of people to think I should be damned, at their mercy, or their slave.
My workplaces have been unfair and rigged, but inside and outside of the workplace, relationships are damned as well. There is always somebody who wants to treat me like a doll and call the shots with who I date. There seriously are people who want to dictate the relationship. Some people are hardcore into making me be gay. It gets so sick sometimes with relationships as well. It makes me want to vomit how vulnerable and helpless I am with the gossip that goes on.
So, please, you're doing the right thing by showing how little other people's arrogance means. You're doing the right thing in broadcasting the truth of my cockiness. I do appreciate it.
I just hate it when I feel I can never win. The media can only do so much. I just want a job. I feel my life is going to waste because of a long list of communists who want to selfishly run it.
Wednesday, August 24, 2011
Thinking thinking thinking
Dane,
What you did yesterday had some meaning to it. It really did. Well, I guess CNN gets the most credit, but for you to share some support, I thought it was nice of you.
I hate how some people can misunderstand me with the entire picture of it all. I have hated the socialist system this entire time along with all of its rigs. With jobs, I have seriously hated the things people have gotten away with, choices made, and with the way people choose to take and manipulate my words. While you may not entirely be responsible for me not being able to have a job, I still have serious issues with how the socialism is set up. I will never be a slave. Even though you may get by now that I am a headstrong stubborn woman; it breaks my heart that people really would seriously let me die because I refuse to be a slave or feel inferior to another. There is a little pressure there with you if you really had a very serious consideration for me. But I think the biggest awakening of mine is that nobody really gives a shit or has even had any sense of who I really am and the real actions that I am taking.
I understand with what is supposed to be a literal job with a literal boss, that they are the boss. It is the extent of socialism and its rigs where I will always be forced to lose. I think if people had a better understanding of both boundaries and how to take me, life really shouldn't be too hard. I still have a strong hunch that there have been several workplaces that you are responsible for.
It isn't always workplaces that I feel hated and harassed. There is a larger picture to my world other than where I may be working at the time. I still hate that some people have the nerve to think I should have to have toleration for them and that what their real actions are will be manipulated into me being at fault for my own sort of "crime," because I should be guilty for not tolerating it.
Dane, while you constantly play games, confuse me, and seek to destroy me, I couldn't help but be a little more vulnerable with the little bit of breathing room/leeway you give me. This really is an instance where I really don't want to be bullshitted with anymore. I know you have your own Sufi group that is strong in mysticism. But right now, life is tough enough, and your mysticism and game playing over the issue is just going to add on with me feeling chronically fatigued. Maybe you want it that way. You have your own strategy of making me extremely tired and weary. Just don't. Not right now. I think there is so much where my mind is made up, I feel you are the one who needs to be real with me and say more about yourself or what you want. If you are wanting something, I just have nothing more to say or do.
I can't respect you in a private way yet. It is out there on Twitter.
What you did yesterday had some meaning to it. It really did. Well, I guess CNN gets the most credit, but for you to share some support, I thought it was nice of you.
I hate how some people can misunderstand me with the entire picture of it all. I have hated the socialist system this entire time along with all of its rigs. With jobs, I have seriously hated the things people have gotten away with, choices made, and with the way people choose to take and manipulate my words. While you may not entirely be responsible for me not being able to have a job, I still have serious issues with how the socialism is set up. I will never be a slave. Even though you may get by now that I am a headstrong stubborn woman; it breaks my heart that people really would seriously let me die because I refuse to be a slave or feel inferior to another. There is a little pressure there with you if you really had a very serious consideration for me. But I think the biggest awakening of mine is that nobody really gives a shit or has even had any sense of who I really am and the real actions that I am taking.
I understand with what is supposed to be a literal job with a literal boss, that they are the boss. It is the extent of socialism and its rigs where I will always be forced to lose. I think if people had a better understanding of both boundaries and how to take me, life really shouldn't be too hard. I still have a strong hunch that there have been several workplaces that you are responsible for.
It isn't always workplaces that I feel hated and harassed. There is a larger picture to my world other than where I may be working at the time. I still hate that some people have the nerve to think I should have to have toleration for them and that what their real actions are will be manipulated into me being at fault for my own sort of "crime," because I should be guilty for not tolerating it.
Dane, while you constantly play games, confuse me, and seek to destroy me, I couldn't help but be a little more vulnerable with the little bit of breathing room/leeway you give me. This really is an instance where I really don't want to be bullshitted with anymore. I know you have your own Sufi group that is strong in mysticism. But right now, life is tough enough, and your mysticism and game playing over the issue is just going to add on with me feeling chronically fatigued. Maybe you want it that way. You have your own strategy of making me extremely tired and weary. Just don't. Not right now. I think there is so much where my mind is made up, I feel you are the one who needs to be real with me and say more about yourself or what you want. If you are wanting something, I just have nothing more to say or do.
I can't respect you in a private way yet. It is out there on Twitter.
Subscribe to:
Comments (Atom)