today's thoughts

I'm happy that I went shopping
I'm happy that I have an interview tomorrow while going for other job applications

There is always relationship pressure in some way, even in family or even people in the media where it isn't always competition or judgement, it is moreso shoving into coupleship as in Pride and Prejudice. Its really tough to deal with sometimes whether its judgement or arranged relationships.

Anyway despite what other people think, I feel both anxious and content.
I really hate to be tested sometimes, and hate the idea that I may not be tested at all and it has nothing to do with me. Either way, I'm anxious over it. I really do not like neverending double standard games, but won't deny that sometimes I have my own personal crashes. I have not done any hard drugs yet, and depending on who I'm with, I'm careful with judgement.

I just don't want the tormenting ideas or thinking about them, not specifically with drugs but with other ways of crashing.

I have a hard time believing I'm really his underdog. Maybe he has a complicated ego that I will have to get over and deal with, or maybe he is a real schemer and out to really get me in a negative way.

At the same time, even though I sometimes truly hate being alone, I feel content that maybe I'm not ready for any serious or committed relationship. Maybe its better to stay at some distance and be laid back with time will tell. I've trained myself through the years to have a really open mind and know that there are so many possible opportunities in life. (With the communism, sometimes I have serious doubts and think there is no such thing as other paths or opportunities. ).......
Speaking of communism, games people play, I feel sometimes I may be systematically set up to have a more narrow mind. Good guy and bad guy. The way people judge a woman.


.......... I'm going to go to bed and don't want to think about worrying.

North Korea

I really do appreciate some people who creatively use connections to try and reach me. When it comes to North Korea, I am no professional. However, as with any other kind of government I think is wrong, I am in disagreement with the communism and tyranny that North Korea imposes on its people.
In my world, when the connection was made, it was in reference to my grandmother and aunt's. To give some fairness, Kathy Lee had made some connections as well when it relates to family and how family usually acts with each other.
North Korea is straight up abusive when correlating with family members. Even if my grandmother, or any aunts or uncles may get away with their tyranny, it still means nothing to me. I don't care if people say "age before beauty." I will not put up with or tolerate the abuse and numerous counts of irrational and poor judgement that I have already had to live through. Sometimes, my family members may find success in getting a rise or satisfaction out of me. What bothers me is that other surrounding leaders fail to see that my family is still wrong and abusive. So, they may get a rise out of me, does that really make them a good leader because they may get away with their tyranny with sometimes getting satisfaction out of me? No, it just makes them an out of control tyranist who doesn't deserve me.
So, in recall of leadership, I remind surrounding leaders, that the things I have to endure reflects on them when they become aware of my endurances. I am not entertainment. I am not a slave of any sort. Damn the people that think I'm the gladiator. South Park has already made a show that was even recognized on Oprah with the Romanian gymnasts. I would like to see that acknowledged in real life.
I don't literally want my grandma or aunts and uncles to have to die. I simply want their power removed and that they shouldn't really have any glory or influence. I simply do not want to put up with their tyranny. I am tired of their high school belittlement and don't think their perception should be powerful either because I surely do not agree with it. An opinion is an opinion not something to have to literally live by.
I don't think any of my family should have any sort of "lordship" over me. And if they can't recognize and acknowledge me as an adult woman especially with relentless jealous excuses as to why I shouldn't be acknowledged as an adult woman, I continue to push for more separatism and for the surrounding leaders who are aware to have more accountability of their leadership when I am forced to live through their authoritarianism.

Random Thoughts

Today was another day of some pampering yet I have a headache. Colored my hair, whitened my teeth, and will paint my toe nails later on.
I also did my usual routine of browsing and crafting.
I am happy to see that one person agress with me in argument. As irritated as I get with how things are taken and arrogance of others, I am glad to see that someone agrees with a philosophical view. He has made himself a little more trustworthy, at the same time, he isn't completely trustworthy. But, I guess when worse comes to worse and I need a person to share thoughts with or who may be of assistance, I have someone I can work a little more with. There are negatives to pretty much everything, and the negative to this would be that if he does, he could fairly consider me a chore or bitchwork. He could fairly say in some ways I really am more inferior in being a vulnerable adult that he has to give help to.
I wouldn't consider many people rightly fair with the complaints that they have against me. Speaking of complaints and an addition, others still having a possessive mentality in telling me what to do, they can still keep their mouth shut.
I've seen a couple of things today where I just brush it off and think whoever the judge is, is still a stupid and unreasonable judge that needs to be replaced. Even when there is a reasonable judge, I still belong to me. I am nobody's possession.
Therefore, I won't even answer or debate with the judgement.

I still have one more episode of Desperate Housewives to watch and a new episode tonight. Depending on how I feel, I'll probably write another blog later about the show.

Nothing else really new.

On to knitting..............

Random Thoughts

Today has been alright. It's nice to have the weekend off.
I'm excited for future craft projects and still anxious at planning and financial problems because I will probably be unemployed once again here pretty soon. So, I'm going to have to work some things out for myself. Wonder about next possible job opportunities and the things that lie ahead........

Anyway, not too much else going on other than that. Even though I was pretty productive it seems like there is not enough time in the day. I still have the entire day on Sunday and who knows how long I will be off until I get a new job. I caught up on some missed episodes of Desperate Housewives and have one more to go until tommorow night's episode. I have had a few laughs though in some of the scenes. the mean cheerleader. bwahahahahahhahaa!!!!!

Thinking of past thoughts of a lot of things. fascism.
http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/fascism
"1. any ideology or movement inspired by Italian Fascism, such as German National Socialism; any right-wing nationalist ideology or movement with an authoritarian and hierarchical structure that is fundamentally opposed to democracy and liberalism "

Anyway, when I think of fascim, I think more in a thought of "the cool people." When it comes to politics, I usually refer to communism, although fascim is a form of communism. Nazi's were fascists.
Anyway......

When I think of fascists, I think of "the cool people." Usually, the uncool people are labeled as dirty poor, nerdy, boring, obnoxious, simply unpopular, uncool.
Obligations. Life gets really difficult sometimes when I see the more obvious characters in my Burmuda. So, in my personal obligations, even if there is something that may not always be heartfelt, my personal choice of following through or commiting to obligations does show some care.
In holding myself accountable, I have already heard criticism from a number of people and am not answering to any particular person.
As much as I like some fashion and things that are popular, sometimes, I think people are dorky to be exacerbating or extremely talkative about any famous brand or materials.

In my personal opinion, appearance can be important. I wouldn't say it is a priority, but a helper.
I'm not the type to date or best friend with someone just for the sake of proving people wrong that I don't care about level of popularity.

If there is an attraction or like I have for someone, I have always kept in my mind, whatever happens happens. I've had to live with numerous control freaks and am aware of the rest of the influence of the rest of the world. So because of some control freaks, things don't always happen. It may happen on another day, or not at all. Or I may run into other people that aren't as influenced by other people and whatever happens happens. Even in a platonic sense. I really do get tired of other's relentless sexual obsessions and testings.

I've been friends with poor and wealthy, but I consider myself on my own most of the time. It just depends on a number of things.
Snowflake pride!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

The Game and Bonnie and Clydes

I think in modern day dating and relationships, some people are pretty brutal and ruthless with others.
I think of all the things I whine about being unfair, relationships are one of them. And I usually consider taking rejection like a man, and in issues of being unfair. I think it is fair to conclude that if someone was never fair in the first place, that it is fair to say that person never really loved that person in the first place.
THEREFORE
For the person that was unfair, it is continuously unfair for their to be any expectations or demands of the other.
Great. Wonderful. A man found the woman of his dreams and she is his undeniable queen.
This is when it gets into Bonnie and Clydes and imposing one's will on another.
I will not suffer for another woman just because she is the one the man chose to love and I am not. It is back to issue of extent. Wonderful, she's your queen, but that doesn't mean she is my queen as well where I have to be subject to the couple's queen and king mentality.
Keep your lordship mentality to yourself.
I would rather wait for modern day world evolution where king and queen relationships have a more watered down and less extreme regard. I don't think queen and king relationships should be given so much power.
Further harassment is when either man or woman gets harassed and hated for being single. I will never bite the bullet "You're nobody until somebody loves you." I will still have self respect regardless of whatever king or queen I may be confronted with in my life.

So, I roll with Natasha Bedingfield on this one:
Definitely a more modern day perspective
(To remain fair for the sake of being fair, I have cried for a white knight. Natasha has a better dream despite the occassional sadness of being lonely.



And stay true to my territorial roots of my personal relationship with myself:

Laughing Gas

I sense some man drama going on in my atmosphere.
I havn't experienced any extreme hate yet that I can translate.
God man, I really need to figure myself out more before some predators can catch up with me. I laugh and I don't understand why I laugh. I don't understand reactions of some people.
Right now, someone seems to be obsessing over me. I know, I'm going through another angry stage and I think I'm getting manipulated out of my anger with some things. I know my anger is insane and draws attention. But honestly, maybe I'm getting an ego, but sometimes, I take positive attention as an insult. I think some guys and people may be too foreign for me or too beefed up, or I am just an oddball that will never emotionally be understood.
Call me a party pooper. Sometimes, I really don't need or want a party. Other times, it does seem that the atmosphere is a walking death and I wouldn't mind laughing gas. But, I'm poor, I usually don't have the advantage to call the shots. It makes me wonder in my life sometimes. I really consider myself a modest person, but with different occurences, environments, and happenings, sometimes I wonder if there are men who test to see who can make me happy where I am. I wonder if there is a matrix man that really does treat me as a blind science project. I seriously do hate the scientist. I am not a project and can make choices on my own. Whether or not some men believe I want to be a sex object, what really gives me a rest and peace in relationships is commitment. Seriously. Call me old fashioned. I really need a man who is in my life on a regular basis. I'm not saying there is a particular person I want to marry. I'm just saying sometimes, I really do not like the reputation that I have. I don't like the misunderstandings. And seriously, I think the scientist is just another person being a sadist by imposing their will on me with their personal judgement of how to call the shots based on what is really their value and not mine.
Besides some man drama, some people are definitely more obvious than others, but I hate the danger of guessing games.
I did buy a very nice pair of jeans at American Eagle. I had such a refreshing and long due shopping spree today. Love shopping sprees!

So many dark thoughts of politics

Where do I begin?

I think I'll start with politics. Lately, I have been a hardcore conservative and anti-socialist. I really do feel violated. Lot of philosophical ideas sprout:
Value of privacy
Humanitarianism
Meaning of background check
Meaning of motivation which leads to work production.
Speaking of work, I find it difficult to discuss. I see it in every workplace; not just one. I see the communism and socialism. I see the actual plot within the socialism to provoke me to murder in my personal life.
Capitalism is another issue. I'm not the bonified politic. I'm comparitively younger to most. In capitalism, its back to the country's breadwinner mentality.
I still hate both capitalism and socialism and am always confused at who is really to blame. I direct it at the unidentified matrix man who I cannot see the list he networks and collaborates with to get info off of others. Leading to my next point is perspective of it all: Stalking and harassment. Like I've said, job after job after job, I've experienced it. It may be supported by a capitalist fat cat. Like I said, I can't see who is to blame.
Other people call it "welcome to the real world." This is life, this is the outline of what one is meant to put up with. I have such a serious problem with it, and my anti-approach probably does have the potential to develop another kind of communism.
Entitlement has remained the key word of it all. There are so many offenses. Of course I'm offended over sexual harassment. I don't think some people will ever understand my personal defined fear of when I have to be such a fighter sometimes. I really think that there are too many people who have been given delegation to judge, but are so far from any kind of rational or intelligent judgement. The next deep anguish is the reality of financial class. The expected predicted assumption that has even had to be explained to me is how I am percieved by the upper class: When salaries are compared, as well as assets and number of friends and family, who am I to say they suck at judgement? It never matters. Some people make entertainment out of it. I can benefit to some extent of an expressed exploit, but does it ultimately change my real reality? No, it continues to get more complicated and feel more like slave labor with actual give and take.
I do not think a number of people will ever understand why I am the way I am. Some people may have relatable depression amongst themselves, but again, the people with wealth will never blame themselves for people of lesser salaries problem. It disgusts me so much that people really have the nerve of continued entitlement and personal communistic posessiveness over people. How dare a person live their life? How dare a person have a soul? How dare a person have emotions? How dare a person be alive? How dare a person defend themselves? How dare they?
It is what I say to myself in my anger while I mock the commies. Call me a racist, I really do have a sincere hate and very believed perception of communism.
Other mockeries when people have been and still are going too far with stalking and imposing their communism is my own personal interests. Some commies use fear as motivation through many routes of harassment where harassment was discussed in a previous blog. Other motivations involves sexuality and love life. People do stalk those areas too and impose with entitlement. Some really are relentless over the issue of energy and become very gungho and hardcore about socialism. My serious, homicidal rebuttal is the enablement of slave labor. It does go beyond what should be a workplace environment. For the sake of better production, people get stalked and violated. Slave labor simply put. Some people will not deny the enjoyment of some positive motivation. Some people have stronger feelings against being judged for allowing sexual motivation for work productivity. It isn't fair to the people who moreso feel violated. Why should the conservatives have to suffer for the pussies and weaklings who get babified over being judged.
"Wahhhh!!!!!!!!!!! You judged me!"
"Bastard, worthless freak, you sexually harassed me and violated me." (to who whatever matrix man is responsible for sexually motivating a person for better production.)

Love and feelings should never be forced. You can't tell a person how to feel about something. People are entitled to feel how they want to feel. But it isn't fair for someone to have to suffer.
I am anti socialist all the way. I consider it slave labor for the amount of productivity that is expected out of another. And besides that, I've been pissed at THE LIES AND RIGS which have caused me to fail.
My suggestion and alternative is to seriously let go of greed. I think it is sad and sick that some people allow the pressure of competition to overtake them that much where it brings so much communism and slaving on other people. It should never have gotten that far.
There is always some level of pride in competing. But I think when some get obsessed with winning and competition, they really do not realize the consequences that they should be responsible for. I think socialism is sick in so many ways, and I think real winning and pride should have more freedom involved. Do some people really feel like a winner at some of the extremeness, authoritarianism, harassment, slave labor that they bring on others to be the competitive winner.
Do you really feel like a winner after it is all said and done and you get the prize? Do you really feel like a winner?
I seriously think there should be more freedom, breathing room, and more of a laid back atmosphere when it concerns having pride in competition.
I think when people try to define what it means to be a hard worker, or honest worker who has ethics, the judgement is seriously messed up, skewed, aimed at wrong values of what it means to be a good worker.
I only see slave labor, communism, and irrationalism.

I believe I am getting more set in my ways. Therefore, I do not feel guilty at all when I am judgemental. I do not feel guilty when I get homicidal. I don't care what fat cat it is, I will never deny myself my soul or human rights.

I have a lot of other thoughts on my mind right now, but I think I will leave it at that and just make this a political blog.

Short and Sweet

Not a whole lot to say today.

I have always liked to keep myself quietly accepting of some number of compliments.
Today I would say for once, I was given edible compliments that are far from making me sick.

I keep it to myself.

Too much in the day and not enough time for everything. I'll deal with it.