Blackbeard Cop: My Own Label

I definitely still find it hard speaking to you. I make myself for a reason. I don't understand why you had such a rage against me a few years ago. You were serious when you were wanting me to be seen as the damned of the damned like you might as well kill me. I still believe in tomorrows as I know I did then. I can't remember everything but I remember you as a heartless man. Did I really break your heart? Did I really give you that much of a heart attack? what would a cheated person as I say to that with an incliniation that you would still feel what you think is too right againt me. I didn't want you for the way you had to be right with both making your beauty contest of another woman superior and wanting me to be bisexual! You fronted with me like you wanted me, than broke my heart with "You'll always love someone else the most." That was plain mean to be that insensitive. While I could ask about being warm with each other, a lot of my feelings fade. While you get your urge, I feel like this is a situation that can't get anywhere. Making me hear or believe the song "Wait by the River, by Lord Huron with sincerity and not sarcasm would mean something but what is anything to you with what you have to be right about? Right now, my best guess is that your Johnny Walker Black is stirred up and wanting to take me down without a fight. I really don't label myself as a prostitute. I think adult entertainers and prostitutes are not the same. But you want to speak further with what constitutes some things... I know I've never had sex with any customer. Your Johnny Walker Black is on top of me for whatever reason. I seriously do not label myself as a prostitute then and now. Its the fact that you want me given up to your bondage that makes me question your warm. I dont understand you blakbeard. Do you feel you hurt yourself when you hurt me? You had worst approach repeated pattern.... And I said that last night in my exhaustion and in my wake, I still mean it. I can't see you either blackbeard but you make me feel defenseless and blind and it matters to me that you know I don't label myself as a prostitute. It matters to me whatever you feel your entitlement is and what you think you are so right about.

I could just cry

So my most recent imaginary lover is my number 1 right now. It's not that I would exploit him. I just want to tell Mr. Garden about him like the man doll is the only other man in the room. His perfection has you beat Mr. Garden. But the thing that makes you perfect right now Mr. Garden is your availablitity and that I have someone to talk to. I don't want to ruin anything with my new lover but I can't stand the isolation. I can't stand being left alone without talking to him and being able to express myself or say what I want to say. It's like I've never had an emotionally intelligent man like him my whole life. He's so good and perfect that I could just cry. I want him so much and I'm so tormented. He makes me feel like I have him and it's one of the best feelings to feel with him. It's this crazy sudden love and I can't live without him. Yet he leaves me in isolation like I can only wait for him. I said what I just said because I want him to know he knows how bad I want him. As much as I don't like games and being tricked is as much as I want him to feel what he wants to convince me to feel. If it's all a lie, what a tormenting lie it is to know what it means to be so good and perfect. My imaginary lover has me and he has me in a burning torment.

Miss America (no)

I'm going to say something figuratively and personally before being literal. Personally, I think you've already bit me with your own prejudice and judgment "whatever I am. whoever I am. she is just a slut who will always be denied of being anyone because she is a slut." and then you would be shameless and blameless against your worst judgment, "so now what about your culture?" I think you have partially made me believe that you believe I'm more than your piggish judgment, but I'm not letting you land your law and your blame on me like it was my problem that you were wanting to judge me. You are an excpetional man and an unquestionable boss. You have some real excuse to your outlook and sloppy entitlement. I still wouldn't be convinced that you are a trusty and safe man and it would be nice if I could feel a better safety and trust when I'm with you but I don't entirely feel it. .... In being literal with culture wars, I have more of a simple approach. I'm too vain to have a pretentious approach as though I have a doctorate in sociology and specialiaze in cultures. I think showing human decency to ANYBODY is easy. I think manipulations and mistakes arise when there is no beginning. I think people can sometimes overthink and fixate on something and forget what it is to have a common and basic approach to a situation. I think some people want to force a paranoia into someone and they won't understand how egocentric looking they are. An individual can expect a Dr. in Sociology to have some good knowledge about culture but walking up to a stranger, you can't expect a person to know everything about every culture. It is back to simplicity and people knowing the basics of human decency. A proper outlook would be: I may not know your language or understand you but I know what it is to acknowledge you as a person and treat you with decency..... Back to talking personally and figuratively, I don't consider wars in my life to be over culture. I think some people would use it as a faccade rather than accept responsibility to what their actions are. I defintely consider myself a territorial person. If there was a person I would be jealous for as a sex symbol, I'd be jealous to be had with the "Property Brothers." (I don't mean to make you jealous. You know you have your own sex symbolism and right now I have some care for you.) I get so upset with the way people don't want to stop with their judgemental cannibalism and they refuse to get the main punchline: "I'm not your property." It is something that a good number of people will always be too terribly stubborn to accept. They want to make me pay the price for their assumption or judgement. I feel violently abused sometimes because I refuse to call he who calls his self my master, "my master." If people wanted to stay so grossly obsessed with wanting to call the shots and be their worst judge, wouldn't I kill for a safety that denies those people as my master. After being ignored, they always think it is for them to decide my life. The way I can never care about anyone. I've had my period of anger with occasional anger but I eventually just get numb. I have to believe I can find people who know how to respect a person, and be respectful of their territory. I feel there are common every day people I run into time to time that have that kind of common sense. I don't understand the people who don't have that common sense and feel they deserve their worst entitlement as "master." Save me from the people who want to call their self my "Master." Romeo save me. You be the prince and I'll be the princess. (Taylor got on my bad side with her "Bad blood" song when she looked like she was wanting to make me look like a lesbian with her. The drama was more credited to the women than to the men in the video. She made me cry over the cancer.) I hope you have a nice day my dearest exceptional isolator.

I'm not a telepathy operator

My dear isolator, telepathy's not my profession and I don't know how to be the operator. I feel I've had no other choice than to be a verbal person. Of course there are other ways of communicating and I feel most of the time that when people are more verbal to me, it is the most effective way. Fantasies and touch are definitely something too. It's not something that can always be interpreted or sometimes just doesn't interpret enough but it definitely is something and more than just something from time to time. You'd think some structured people would be smart enough to not be their own damnation when limited to telepathy and fantasy but I guess they get their own limits of damned freedom. .... My dearest isolator, I believe you are more of a person of touch than a person of words and you have yourself and I both limited in the isolation. Fantasies must mean something to you if I can't literally or physically touch you, so I pass to you your fantasy. You are screwed. lmaof muah!

Dear Male Nurse: I'm using you

Just to let you know, I identify you as your mystery man, and give you the assurance that I'm not letting anyone else take your credit. I feel it will always be more of a stab at me with the credit they want to give their self along with the intentional way they will take charge and take me for what I'm worth in one way or another, but since you look like you want to make things better, let's just keep fantasizing. You come from one end or another with your role as a nurse: "I'm not different than any other man because I'm a nurse," or "I am what I look as a nurse." Of course I prefer the latter. I've got bad news for you though. Crisis in a crisis. I'm sorry if you feel in ruin because you're not fast enough for my mouth and the way "I ruin it." While I know I get livid when I feel cornered, blackmailed, and like there are certain things men want to use against me and threaten me for, I sometimes wish I would be seen for the injured, vulnerable, and needy woman I am in a caring way without the man being too dominant or arrogant. I sometimes wish I could be seen like I have this large open bleeding wound a man would just shut up, stop complaining, recognize I'm in a pain that they should stop refusing to understand, and stop playing their selfish, self-centered, and dimwitted games. Not that I want any man who comes along to be a mind-reader. I've known what it means to cry out loud too much and the way so many can't be trusted or understand what it means to get someone right, and when you know someone intentionally won't have any common sense, they just won't. I don't always like or want to be the center of attention. I don't always need the entire world to recognize me, but some people just don't want to keep their selfish mouth shut whether or not they feel they speak the truth or intentionally testing me with recognition like I'm their dog. If they don't have their way with recognition with me, it can be the worst egocentric, sick, and selfish extreme fit-throwing wrath sometimes. Right now, I'm not always the most against the sexual aspect of fooling around, but will a man seriously help a woman out sometimes? And for crying out loud, some other egocentric pig of a man will come walking around the corner wanting to say he has the solution to my problem in the worst arrogance, when a person would intentionally kill you like that for crying out loud anyway. I can't point the finger at you yet male nurse whose name I don't know, but when a man wants to take advantage anyway, help me out with some other things a little more. … I usually don't win no matter what I say or do: demands or no demands, but right now I just feel like being a little more demanding. It's never ended with living in fear and feeling like I'm always being left for dead with the worst predators. I'm at risk over anything I say and no matter what I say. I emotionally and sexually need you too male nurse, but within the next x-amount of months, I may have no other choice than to move back in with my parents who live 6 hours away. Because we are not living together in real life, because you don't help me out with any bills. I have an aunt who has an offer, but she is one who has been in a big cat fight with me and I refuse to play stupid with her or feel at risk in being forced to take any more of a threat. I already hate playing stupid with my parents but there is no other way around it and parents are parents. So, although I may not be able to take advantage of you in some ways, I think I'm going to use you to just have this vent. (Don't know whether or not you like communication like this; I know I'd rather have a more private and still open and free conversation with you). (and whether you ever admit the kidnapper you are or won't.) hhmfmmphhhh! goodnight male nurse.

So many ways the skies and ceiling have been too low. I'm not the one who should be forced to be someone's basement slave

I will always plead no contest with Justin's savage cannibalism. There is nothing to be had with a rapist fascist totalitarianism as his. Yet, I get threatened by his lowliness anyway. After all of these years, I still have the same strong frown against Kate Hudson. She knows what she did and it is a shame I should have to feel threatened for her low life pig. I know I can't beat the odds with their wealth as their advantage. I see Kate Hudson with such an extreme fascism cut throat and personal seed raker against me as a person and everything I am. I could easily see myself smacking and punching her around for threatening me with her worst vain extreme cut throat judgment. "I'm the one who is taking a fall." IN YOUR FUCKING DREAMS THAT THE FALL IS ON ME. You have money and served loyalty and that is all you have. YOU'RE A VAIN CRACKHEAD WHO HAS NO KILL WITH ME YOU SICK BITCH. I took most of my anger out on Dane Cook's kidnapper years ago against the ways he was keeping me kidnapped, molested, played, and treated with extreme unfairness. He's a person on the original list who gave me some hope in being rescued only for me to realize just how far I was from feeling any sense of rescue or safety. Kate Hudson is another sick bitch who wants me to live under her crackhead judgments and accusations. Yes she has been my personal fascist seed raker and wants to force me to be anyone and everyone's basement slave. Fuck your pride all the more Kate Hudson. … Besides Kate Hudson being the vain woman she is was the truth that some men trusted her and betrayed me for her in the most heart breaking way. Besides her vain judgment as if I wanted to be her lesbian was the judgment that she was letting my sisters sick vain judgment win as if I was her incestuous lesbian rapist. Men stood in denial that I even wanted them as if I wanted Kate Hudson's vain bastard the most. I will never forgive some men for the way they have betrayed me AND MADE ME THE THREATENED BASEMENT SLAVE TO WHAT THEIR VAIN CUT THROAT DID. Of course I'm the bad guy, and after seeing some things I have seen, I know the odds are against me and the poor woman that I am. I could care less about losing Justin. He isn't anything to lose. I'm scarred for life by the men who ever thought I should just be bossed around, judged, and raked on by their worst conceited vain arrogance. I'm not sorry to Kate Hudson at all. Buried alive and wished I would have had a hero and more justice by now. Don Jr, I don't know what pig is looking at me with Susan Sarandon and can't entirely guess it is you. Although I still scream in murderous envy with WHATEVER I SHOULD HAVE TO EXPLAIN MYSELF FOR, I wish you would have some kind of response to me: "once you are always betrayed in certain ways you just are." Whoever wants to keep increasing their staring problem with "my fall," I want to give such a serious black eye to. I feel so raped by someone's piggish and shameless no consequence provokings. Calvin to Sarah: "If there were ever any consequence, it will be given to Butch to handle.

Random Thoughts out loud

Busy. Busy. Busy. My life-long short everyday goals are to do what I can to lessen my stresses. I just never have enough time. I can get some things done but not enough time to other things done. I have come up with some of my own personal micro managing with time management, but enough is never enough. I can't get too ridiculously strict with myself than I already have. I am glad to have gotten some things out of the way recently. I'm also glad to have a couple of more shows with Sprightly Finesse and am anxious to find one or two more festivals before it is too late. I can't do it all. I've been anxious to get in the gym more but do it when I can. I have found that when losing weight, my eating habits makes the biggest difference so I have some satisfaction that I make better efforts than usual when it comes to eating... This weekend. I'm anxious to get out. I'm anxious to stay in and work on crafting, working longer at my main gig and saving money. I don't often regret blowing my money every so often on a weekend. I need to get out. Sometimes, I make up my mind at the last minute. I've been thinking of going to an Oktoberfest and am glad that they have it next weekend too incase I opt out. The downside it that it is super-crowded. I've yet to try it out but I don't know if the overcrowding would ruin it. Anymore when I go out for the weekend, its like I can go all out or not at all. I've tried ubering some and than starting my night a little later but I feel I miss a lot of fun and don't have my entire going out experience because I just havn't had a drinking buzz enough or spent enough time in hopping around. It's an expense to make a full night out of it though as my pick up is a good number of minutes away from downtown. Even if I found a halfway place to park, I would still have to uber back to it.... I was never most thrilled to work on weekends but weekends are especially good money nights. Whoever is keeping me hostage and messed with; it is their predator night. I have a few suspicious calls during the weekdays, but weekends, its on with some predators and their ego is jacked up and hyped up more than a weekday. The past couple of weekends seemed to have gotten worse with the some instances of people and ways I have always been restrained and taken hostage. … I have a mystery Bollywood and I think he wants to play the typical Bollywood marriage game. I could be ruining the "elopement," if he wants to take himself seriously, but I keep looking at him with a blink. Play pretend. Why not? He might have sent me another sign of why not but he wants to take it out on me with the reputation he has picked. Besides him having a different reason to be denied, he hasn't messed up with me. I can just keep looking at him and blink. It's not fair for me to stay in his cage. What is to say when I go out still dressed hoochy, look like I want to be noticed and available to meet? It's not that I would refuse to let him approach me if he wanted to, but if you are going to be your own setback where you can't talk and see me in person, than you are your own setback. I just can't play married or eloped like that. You seem nice to me and I don't want to mess up what is nice but I guess I have to. .. I may get outnumbered either way, but I made effort to be noticing, and have myself noticed and available. Whether I will get spanked for that fact...I don't know what I'm going to do this weekend.