So many ways the skies and ceiling have been too low. I'm not the one who should be forced to be someone's basement slave

I will always plead no contest with Justin's savage cannibalism. There is nothing to be had with a rapist fascist totalitarianism as his. Yet, I get threatened by his lowliness anyway. After all of these years, I still have the same strong frown against Kate Hudson. She knows what she did and it is a shame I should have to feel threatened for her low life pig. I know I can't beat the odds with their wealth as their advantage. I see Kate Hudson with such an extreme fascism cut throat and personal seed raker against me as a person and everything I am. I could easily see myself smacking and punching her around for threatening me with her worst vain extreme cut throat judgment. "I'm the one who is taking a fall." IN YOUR FUCKING DREAMS THAT THE FALL IS ON ME. You have money and served loyalty and that is all you have. YOU'RE A VAIN CRACKHEAD WHO HAS NO KILL WITH ME YOU SICK BITCH. I took most of my anger out on Dane Cook's kidnapper years ago against the ways he was keeping me kidnapped, molested, played, and treated with extreme unfairness. He's a person on the original list who gave me some hope in being rescued only for me to realize just how far I was from feeling any sense of rescue or safety. Kate Hudson is another sick bitch who wants me to live under her crackhead judgments and accusations. Yes she has been my personal fascist seed raker and wants to force me to be anyone and everyone's basement slave. Fuck your pride all the more Kate Hudson. … Besides Kate Hudson being the vain woman she is was the truth that some men trusted her and betrayed me for her in the most heart breaking way. Besides her vain judgment as if I wanted to be her lesbian was the judgment that she was letting my sisters sick vain judgment win as if I was her incestuous lesbian rapist. Men stood in denial that I even wanted them as if I wanted Kate Hudson's vain bastard the most. I will never forgive some men for the way they have betrayed me AND MADE ME THE THREATENED BASEMENT SLAVE TO WHAT THEIR VAIN CUT THROAT DID. Of course I'm the bad guy, and after seeing some things I have seen, I know the odds are against me and the poor woman that I am. I could care less about losing Justin. He isn't anything to lose. I'm scarred for life by the men who ever thought I should just be bossed around, judged, and raked on by their worst conceited vain arrogance. I'm not sorry to Kate Hudson at all. Buried alive and wished I would have had a hero and more justice by now. Don Jr, I don't know what pig is looking at me with Susan Sarandon and can't entirely guess it is you. Although I still scream in murderous envy with WHATEVER I SHOULD HAVE TO EXPLAIN MYSELF FOR, I wish you would have some kind of response to me: "once you are always betrayed in certain ways you just are." Whoever wants to keep increasing their staring problem with "my fall," I want to give such a serious black eye to. I feel so raped by someone's piggish and shameless no consequence provokings. Calvin to Sarah: "If there were ever any consequence, it will be given to Butch to handle.

Random Thoughts out loud

Busy. Busy. Busy. My life-long short everyday goals are to do what I can to lessen my stresses. I just never have enough time. I can get some things done but not enough time to other things done. I have come up with some of my own personal micro managing with time management, but enough is never enough. I can't get too ridiculously strict with myself than I already have. I am glad to have gotten some things out of the way recently. I'm also glad to have a couple of more shows with Sprightly Finesse and am anxious to find one or two more festivals before it is too late. I can't do it all. I've been anxious to get in the gym more but do it when I can. I have found that when losing weight, my eating habits makes the biggest difference so I have some satisfaction that I make better efforts than usual when it comes to eating... This weekend. I'm anxious to get out. I'm anxious to stay in and work on crafting, working longer at my main gig and saving money. I don't often regret blowing my money every so often on a weekend. I need to get out. Sometimes, I make up my mind at the last minute. I've been thinking of going to an Oktoberfest and am glad that they have it next weekend too incase I opt out. The downside it that it is super-crowded. I've yet to try it out but I don't know if the overcrowding would ruin it. Anymore when I go out for the weekend, its like I can go all out or not at all. I've tried ubering some and than starting my night a little later but I feel I miss a lot of fun and don't have my entire going out experience because I just havn't had a drinking buzz enough or spent enough time in hopping around. It's an expense to make a full night out of it though as my pick up is a good number of minutes away from downtown. Even if I found a halfway place to park, I would still have to uber back to it.... I was never most thrilled to work on weekends but weekends are especially good money nights. Whoever is keeping me hostage and messed with; it is their predator night. I have a few suspicious calls during the weekdays, but weekends, its on with some predators and their ego is jacked up and hyped up more than a weekday. The past couple of weekends seemed to have gotten worse with the some instances of people and ways I have always been restrained and taken hostage. … I have a mystery Bollywood and I think he wants to play the typical Bollywood marriage game. I could be ruining the "elopement," if he wants to take himself seriously, but I keep looking at him with a blink. Play pretend. Why not? He might have sent me another sign of why not but he wants to take it out on me with the reputation he has picked. Besides him having a different reason to be denied, he hasn't messed up with me. I can just keep looking at him and blink. It's not fair for me to stay in his cage. What is to say when I go out still dressed hoochy, look like I want to be noticed and available to meet? It's not that I would refuse to let him approach me if he wanted to, but if you are going to be your own setback where you can't talk and see me in person, than you are your own setback. I just can't play married or eloped like that. You seem nice to me and I don't want to mess up what is nice but I guess I have to. .. I may get outnumbered either way, but I made effort to be noticing, and have myself noticed and available. Whether I will get spanked for that fact...I don't know what I'm going to do this weekend.

I also blame vices

I think there are many reasons I get depressed and have misery. Vices are another form of dominance that is a reason for such depression and misery. I am a constant victim of mind control and being told what to think and feel about people. I can cry over the Taylor Swift song "Romeo and Juliet." It is another issue that hasn't stopped because rather than have some greater communication and communication proof, there is always some distant, restraining, and isolating gossip. People just don't understand how they make me feel. "The last one was supposedly another serial rapist and there are more likely more serial rapists next in line," so the vices say. If I had an arbitrage interrupter than I did, but to want to let someone be in control of an actual real life identity in my life is wrong. I FUCKING HATE FUCKING SEAGULLS. I FUCKING HATE WHEN PEOPLE WON'T STOP WANTING REGULATION, CONTROL, MY LIFE UP FOR GRABS, AND FORCED TO BE VULNERABLE TO WHATEVER BUTCH GOSSIP IS GOING AROUND. I want to get over him, but when some Butch asshole wants to come along and make my timeline into one serial rapist after another it makes me so mad to be forced into a box or putting up with a Butch like that. Besides someone wanting to have control, they want to corner me into making me look so much more naïve and incapable to keep having their worst regulation and control AND I HAVE BEEN SO SICKENED BY THE CONTROL PEOPLE WANT. MORE BUTCHES NEED TO FEEL LIKE THERE IS SO MUCH MORE WRONG WITH THEM. Besides one breed of a Butch are other breeds of Butch's that I have seen where they won't stop with having to have some kinds of dominance or harassment over my life. They will always want to have a certain way with me. There is just no end to some people and the way they will never stop. FUCK THEIR WILL TO THINK THEY ARE SO RIGHT AGAINST ME. FUCK THEIR PREJUDICE JUDGMENT. ...FUCK ALL THE LIES LIKE I WAS GIVING ANYONE ELSE ANY CREDIT WITH THE ONE I WAS WITH. FUCK DANE. FUCK WHATEVER VICING ARBITRAGE IT WAS.

New Years Shnew Years

Today was a bad day and a worse one for someone else. I got into my 3rd car accident in my entire life and it was such a serious scare. I was at a stop sign and was stopped and had looked both ways. I crossed the intersection and was T-boned. I think it was like a 25mph speed limit, and this guy sure seemed like he was going faster and I don't think this guy even slammed on his breaks. I don't mean to insinuate too much by that statement but he must not have been alert enough. While it made my car do a 180; the only damage done to my car was that the left passenger's side was banged up at the bottom. His front end was damaged and looked like it could have been totaled. All he said was his own cut throat "it is what it is." He showed that he was upset about it, but I would rather hear that than him cuss at me or want to get into some kind of violent argument with me. (He was a big guy wearing some kind of muscle shirt). I hate hearing "it is what it is" from anyone. It is a person wanting to make the most dominate and definite statement of something is what it is. I had a very quiet way of telling him that he looked like he was going fast and that I was stopped and looked both ways, but all he said was "it is what it is." I'll leave it to my insurance guy is where I will leave it. We were both fortunate to not have suffered any injuries but I was extremely shaken and had to grab my knees when I got out of the car. I thought for sure that my car could have been totaled when I did the 180 and heard the loud crash. It was the sound of the other guy's car. My car was drivable and I spent the rest of the day working as I had originally planned. ………….. I just got home not long ago and had a couple of other trip ups to my day. I hate how the parental settings are set with my daughter's kindle. It is kind of like an all or nothing capability. What is the point in putting the settings on when she can hardly do anything with the settings on? With them off she continues to buy videos and video games which she told me earlier everything was "free." I look in my email and bank account later and realize that everything wasn't free and will probably blame her cousin tomorrow when I yell at her over it. This isn't the first incident. …. I'm not liking the signs online today with my birthday fling I had over the weekend. Someone wants to make it look like he wants to threaten me with him having a moment of gayness which looks recent. We were sending a few texts earlier so if he is an enemy, he'd be a two-faced one. If I do get too bad of a feeling or hunch, than I will, but until then everything is still in the air with how much of a one night stand or potential relationship he is. He still wants to wine and dine me. I won't talk about it much further and leave it in the air. …. 35. I can't get over that in 5 more years I will be 40 years old. I don't think I can handle being 40. I just won't be able to handle it and the fear of being that old will seep in. Besides the middle age and fear of death; it is so much more different for a woman than a man. It will always be easier for men to have the younger women and better luck at relationships at that age. While I still struggle with having some desperation; I can only be forced into more desperation as years go by. My singleness has already kept me damaged and scarred in its own ways. ….. The new years eve night wasn't so bad. Other than my daughter throwing a bad tantrum for some of the night; I was so happy that my niece and nephew were over and got to get together and do things as a family. It was mostly a good new years eve. It sucked that it rained but at least it wasn't extremely cold. Pittsburgh had a very nice display downtown. I loved to get them out. Hopefully tomorrow will be a much better day.