Hey You....

Personally, I still feel in fear, threatened, and intimidated to talk to you and face you, and I don't like that... I have no other choice than to believe in your Stockholm and I like the thing we have going on, but there is so much that I still don't understand about it and I wish you would give me a better peace of mind. I want to believe I am more than lusted for and cared for and that you would mean to protect me in some way. Sure, you would use your Stockholm to get my attention and make me aware of your existence, but what comes next? Are you always going to be this godlike complex that lives in rewards and punishments according to how much ever I live to please you, I will eventually be rewarded with you? Don't get me wrong Mr. Mucho Swavay, I find you very attractive and I want to believe you care, but so many times, some men will just not recognize the complex they are living in with me at all. I need the normal relationship. Annie Lennox "Talk to Me Like Lovers Do...." Is it that you would think a secret relationship makes any difference when the worlds jealousy rears its ugly head and the way it already has? I need you to understand that I still feel hurt by you where we are still at a distance. I wonder if you fear me screaming "rape," too much and you would ruin whatever we could be because you are in fear of me and being rejected or hurt in some way... It looks like you have already done something to betray me, and I just don't understand why you would be another guy who purposefully throws himself on me after he has betrayed me and either thinking I would beg for him or seeking to humiliate me and be in his own glory? I really don't know what you have done to betray me, but it isn't safe to be a pig with me and I will scream rape if you mean to intentionally hurt me with your self flattery being said in a stockholmed way. I hope you give me a better peace of mind soon and something to believe. Whatever reason you want to keep me intimidated if you want to care about me or want me to care about you...

Random Thoughts

Had a super busy weekend and wish I could have added additional free time but still worked every day of the week... I know I mostly make decent $$$ with uber, but sometimes it just feels like it never pays off. I simply have too many bills and expenses. I had my fun and will have a couple of past due bills because of it, but the extra expenses were better this time compared to even more stressful random expenses. I am happy because I feel I made some people happy and was glad to see the kids and wish I could have been able to spend more time with them all. Katie and David really didn't start any drama which I was relieved over. It was a simple hum drum and we had some fun together at the Wiz Khalifa and Rae Sremmurd concert. I just thought it was so funny that when Wiz asked the audience how many people were smoking weed in the house, that the majority raised their hands. Any kind of drug bust would be impossible because the cops would have been way outnumbered. This is just one concert. The imagination of 1000 paddy wagons showing up to take people away by the 1000s is just impossible. Wiz Khalifa makes religion out of weed. If weed were legal, I wouldn't mind having a smoke or brownie every once in awhile, but I'm just not taking my chances with a piss test. I see how anal the cops already are with me and sometimes I wonder if they ever are going to arrest me with the drama and death threats that go on in my life. I know I'm not the only criminal nor would even see myself as a main criminal, but I think when anything boils down to it, they will make the worst beauty and sex contest out of it with: which woman is the biggest breadwinner making the most money which should matter the most to the power of the people? It would appear and seem that is what my life depends on, and with the number of times I get dumped, I should be arrested by now because I'm not more valuable than the other "fellow prostitutes," (I know I've never been paid for anything) but there will always be those two wars going on at once: 1)self righteousness against cock sucking and 2)who is the biggest breadwinning MVP and has she ever bit the hand that feeds her? ….. With my wild imagination; the prostitute breadwinning contest is not the most of my worries. What hits me more is that I believe I will be a single mom for the rest of my life and it does matter to me. I find it harder and harder to have any motivation or be attracted to men. They still have more chance than a woman, but having a real ability to be attracted to someone and think the relationship would ever work has been more impossible over time. It makes me sad. I'm hoping I will be able to catch up on bills and have more time to make the time in finding and spending time with someone who could be potentially someone special, but unless I find a rich boyfriend who wants to spoil me with paying my bills and other expenses, I'm not going to have the time for anyone. I have always paid my own bills. Even as a stripper; it was real work. While there are things I would choose to do on my own for a man's attention or time, there are other times where I just cringe at a man's expectations, especially a Bollywood man's expectations and the things they want to put me through and the way they would assume I would be extra Slavic, subservient, easy, and more desperate because I am more poor. I still won't call "no flex zone," with the bollywoods but whatever punishment they would have wanted to keep putting me through, I thought they would just be over it by now, but for whatever reason, the stockholms have never ended. …. In present Bollywood drama, I wouldn't say I have a lot. I did have a little attraction to Marky Mark, but it really was nice of him to burst my bubble and not lead me on any more than that. Maybe he and his wife do have an open relationship because it did look like he was hitting on Erin, but I knew I was meaning to disrespect him with Erin when I bumped into him with Uber. I could brow beat him with a cupcake anytime. I think that Jon guy is married too. I was bummed over him but I saw some signs which were not good and it is probably better to come off of him too. I have gone from mostly single to extra extra really single. I'm ok. It is not always easy to have to go through some drama and feel left for dead. It hasn't been easy with feeling left for dead with Sidney. It is like I have some random mild support but I am single as I were before but single in a more ruined way over Sidney's worst selfish ambitions and womanizing kicks. He is more of a negative situation than a positive one. He made things worse. While I will never believe in Shariah laws or structure, only poor men should be able to be a bitch, be selfish, and make things worse. But, I just won't and refuse to have any set expectations or bias of the rich and famous to the poor and everyday person. On occasion, I might say something in my anger in regards to that, but my beliefs are set in not wanting to believe in any set shariah laws of expectations... ……