Random Thoughts

I wish I could save myself from my anxiety but it is just impossible. Some weights come off from time to time and other times another 50 lb. weight gets thrown on me amidst constant anxiety and weight on my shoulders. Right now a lot of it is every day life. Once I get my taxes and some bills paid off and caught up, life might not be as rough, but with a car purchase that is up and coming most of my financial situation will be the same. I will still have to be working my butt off all of the time. It is killing me. I get some breaks every now and then and tonight is somewhat of a break. But, the average person works an average work week and still gets to have more of a life. I hardly have a life outside of work. I didn't move to Pittsburgh just for the work, but to make new friends and especially a serious kind of man. I don't have time for my hobbies either. I am intentionally getting an SUV with my crafting as one of my main reasons, but I have yet to be able to work more on my inventory. I am a sad, sad woman. Right now, I have a lot of turmoil and am honestly anxious and in misery. I could find other things in my no-time-for-anything lifestyle to whimper and whine over but I think I will skip some of the details. I can only think of and find ways where I can fight my misery in ways I am capable of. When there are no ways around some things; there are no ways around some things........ Other random updates; I was recently in a car wreck. I have noticed some really stupid threats and stockholms whose worst sense of logic is unnamed and whoever would give them their stupid sense of power? I get dumb threats from time to time, but this could be coming from some perv who wants to continue on with: yeah I deserve to put you in bondage, kidnap, and jail you for this too........ Anyway I was lucky not to be injured. While I am not ready to buy a new car; I'm pretty much forced into buying one anyway. My car was totaled and I am getting a check for it. It is another temporary heavy weight of waiting for the check and in the entire situation. The process went slow. I have found an excellent deal at a dealership but there is still odds where I could miss out on it and I am back to square one with no choice on anything. In my pursuits, I have found that some people are ridiculous and deceptive at cutting me a deal. I hate how much more they overprice the car's final expenses in the financing. I fall through the cracks in some ways but not all ways and am not left with the best options. I am officially that much more of a resident in PA and got my PA license today. It was kind of a big deal. Nothing too exciting over a license. It is a residential thing. I live in PA. I am from PA. I left Merland. I broke under pressure in that office too because I did not bring enough of my info and had to leave and come back twice waiting in a long line for a total of 3 times. I was on the verge of crying because I hated how something so simple took an extra amount of time. They could have communicated to me more on the first trip. ........Man drama... It gets harder and harder to care about things and especially how I've aged and have seemed to age in the worst way with some men. I'm still not driven into being a lesbian or would think of it as something more desirable. I can only be driven into my single pride. That may have been too mean for the most recent man who has come along, but when it looks like more bad signs, it just does. I hate that I can only get older and colder. I can't give up on some kind of hope entirely....